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Living your dating life through "self help" books


newwave

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I was reading another thread where someone said they don't ask guys out because of "He's just not that into you". This isn't the first time I've seen comments like that. I've seen it on other forums, and people in real life mention that book. Honestly, life and romance aren't a one size fits all situation. Some people are just shy, some aren't interested, some are, but don't want you to know, etc. Yet people quote these books at truth. This book for example was written by a comedian not a psychologist. Anyone can write a book like this. Reminds me of a few years ago where people were quoting the Rules book. There have been many of these books through the years.

 

You shouldn't be living your life through one of these books. They are only written to make money, not give actual advice. That's like me reading a mystery novel to become a detective.

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Amen. Those authors write books like that just to make money.

 

They are written for money, and people (mostly women) buy into it. I could post so many examples of relationships that people would say "he's just not into you" and the reality was he was interested but had other issues. I'd never buy a book to answer my romance questions.

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That book is the only self-help book I've ever read because it was a present - I never intend to read or buy any others. I don't particularly like the mentality of 'if you just do exactly these things, this will happen!' or the view that people can all be fit into little boxes of behaviour - especially men for some reason.

 

However, I do see why people like 'He's just not that into you' - it's got a less pandering approach to dating and sounds like common sense. I also liked the fact that it was very much about not taking ridiculous excuses from men and letting them have all the control.

 

That said, I agree people should not live their lives by these books. You have to judge every situation individually. Although these books can help you see if you're in that sort of hole, they shouldn't be used as set in stone guidelines to how all men behave.

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I agree about self-help books of this nature, but I have read many books that have helped me in my personal recovery from many different traumas.

 

These aren't "do these things and you'll be ok" books, but more of helping you understand what you are going through and coping mechanisms.

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They are written for money, and people (mostly women) buy into it. I could post so many examples of relationships that people would say "he's just not into you" and the reality was he was interested but had other issues. I'd never buy a book to answer my romance questions.

 

COUGHcosmoCOUGH

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COUGHcosmoCOUGH

 

Cosmo is bad about this too. I have a subscription (mostly for the articles about other things) and I am astounded by what the articles state. When my subscription ends, I am not renewing because of this.

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I read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You but I followed my version of The Rules (pretty close to the book, but not exactly) for a dozen years before it was written and I knew all of the opinions and informaton in HJNTIY for decades. Obviously there are exceptions, individual situations but time and time again I found that men who were sincerely interested in dating me asked me out on dates they planned in advance even if they were very shy. One of those (formerly very shy) men is now my husband. That's just one example of what I found to be generally true. I don't believe in rigidity either but neither do I believe in telling a woman in her 30s or older that she can be as aggressive as she was in getting her career or profession off the ground and successful in her search for a husband/LTR -- because if she does most or even more of the calling, asking, initiating in the beginning of the dating relationship, chances are, with rare exception, that the man will be turned off, feel that something is off or not right, and will stop calling her.

 

This doesn't apply to women who are looking for a man who they can control - a more one sided relationship, or to women who are just looking to date around and meet lots of different people as opposed to finding a long term happy relationship.

 

Maybe it's different for teenagers/young 20s (and of course when you're younger,, and not as concerned, maybe, about finding a man to marry, experimenting by asking men out can be fun/challenging).

 

My personal success with my version of the Rules and similar -- I had a pretty good time dating, I was treated with respect and like a lady in my serious relationships, I was rarely negative or cynical about men despite dating/being single/not being married for almost 25 years of my dating "life". I don't see getting married as the ultimate "success" that "the rules" work when compared to my positive attitude/good experiences, because I don't see the point as a race to find a mate, but rather how the journey is along the way (which in turn makes you more likely to be open to finding a good match and knowing when you find one).

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I hate cosmo. HATE cosmo. Every woman it depicts enjoys happy hour with her co-workers after a long day at the office where her boss is either an overbearing female or flirty male, and at said happy hour they talk about how hot Brad Pitt is and menstrual cycles and how they want to know more sexual positions to please their boyfriends, unless he's cheating, in which there are 20 signs to know if he's cheating in the next edition of Cosmopolitan.

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It's like anything else, and not as bad as Cosmo if you ask me! lol. Cosmo forwards some negative stereotypes about women and has a lot of garbage.

 

The idea behind "he is just not into you" at least has a basic empowering message to it with some common sense ideas in there.

 

The problem with it is not the book itself so much as that a book can only tell and teach a person so much about relating. Relating has to be practiced, tried and learned, see what works by actually engaging yourself and using your own mind.

 

It does bother me too though, slightly (not all that much), to hear people - women - spouting it off like it's the Holy Grail of knowledge and some "new news". It's not, it's a pretty basic idea that a lot of people fail to see and grasp, and if it helps one person start to see their role differently; that's good.

 

But it's just people with low self esteem or who don't want to, or choose not to, think and live out trying for themselves other than by somebody else's idea of what dating and relating is that really get sucked into taking it to the extreme and holding it up as a Grail. And those people will perpetually find something to fill that hole somewhere: better this then than the "sperm dumpster" idea that plenty of people are selling for women.

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I always thought the self help books were self explanatory just by name - these books will help but in the end, it's you yourself that has to assess it and change the book's advice so that it fits you. But that's just me. I would never follow a book's advice word for word, but I could definitely take it into consideration.

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I'll be honest and say I am sad so many people think these self help books are good. Most of the authors aren't psychologists or anything like that. They are people that just decided to write a book. The guy who wrote He's Just Not Into You is a comedian! This is what I mean.

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What make these books bad? Some of them give really good advice.

 

Because anyone can write them. Besides, people need to get advice from other sources besides an author who wrote a book without knowing what it's about. For instance, let's just say someone who never had sex wrote a book about the adult industry and talked about it, would anyone take them serious? Of course not. Same thing with these books.

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The only books where they now what they are talking about are the people with actual experience in whatever they writing about. Not many of these books. The rest are trash (like HJNIY). Still, people need to rely on other things besides books.

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Dating gives you experience about dating...since you actually did it..you called or didn't call, went on the date, had the conversation, kissed, didn't kissed, played games, cheated, etc etc

 

How does getting a root canal give you experience about performing dental procedures? Did it teach you how to remove the cavity yourself? Can you clean my teeth for me? Well if getting a root canal taught you those skills, then, yea, go ahead write that book and make your money!

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