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Help me find the balls ...


frstr8ted

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Hi,

My gf and I have been seeing each other for over a year now.

We are both in our late 30s and in professional careers. We have also lived together for the past eight months.

Over the past five months, we have had struggles, but after we fight and then calm down, we always talk about what caused the struggles (issues, fights, resentment, etc), but the problem is, nothing is ever resolved and everything repeats again a few weeks later.

The biggest struggle is, and has been for quite a while now is the frequency of being intimate (yes, sex). When we first started seeing each other, it was between two and three times a week. For the past eight months or so, it has barely been once a week. Sometimes, once every three weeks. And, it is always short and to the point. No foreplay, no cuddling, no making out, nothing. And, this is an issue for me.

Sure we have talked about this issue, and have addressed it from both sides. It appears that the issue stems from her not having any desire to be intimate and that she is always tired. She has recently been to a doctor to discuss this and to see what can be done to help. Unfortunately, not much came out of that visit.

She was told to start taking her multi-vitamins again, and to see an Endocrinologist.

 

To be honest ... I am on my last leg with having patience, talking about it, and having the same issue repeat itself week in and week out, without anything changing. The frustration of it all is killing me and making me a very bitter person.

To be brutally honest, I feel that I am at the point where ending this would more than likely be the best thing to do to get out of this "rut", be able to meet someone that has some kind of sex drive and there not be the resentment I feel on a daily basis, which puts me in a bad mood daily.

 

My problem is ... I think all of this, and I talk myself into ending things, but I do not have the balls to do anything about it.

 

Any suggestions?

 

*No, no kids are involved.

 

ARGH!!!!

 

-Lost

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Hello, I've been in this situation before. It seems that one or both of you have something going on and because are too afraid of ending things and/or working on whatever it is that is really going on, the sex life is also being affected.

 

It's only going to go on like this continuously until you both end up fighting and/or someone ends up cheating, and then the relationship is damaged beyond repair. If you do love her a lot and want to see things get better, then maybe you should be open to finding out the root of whatever she is going through. It could be anxiety/depression.

 

It could be that the relationship is done and over between you, but you two are both really afraid to end it. Sex could just be an excuse for you to feel like you can end it and have a "reason". Just some things to think about..

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Actually, she did cheat on me, and I found out about it four months ago. I only found out because I was snooping within her email. She openly admitted to it and we broke up for about a week. She had been texting, calling, and seeing her ex for about three months prior to me finding out.

The issue of the lack of sex drive has been going on for almost our entire relationship, so I am not sure that her cheating is the main reason.

Before posting, I attempted to list the pros and the cons about being together, and then the pros and cons I see with her. Not really a surprise, there were more cons, especially on the topic of her and what she brings to the relationship. (For example; she has become a very negative person. She always has something to complain about and when we talk, she sees the negative aspects of things. She is very stubborn. This is something that has either slowly been coming out in our relationship, or it is something that I am just now realizing.

But, yes, the lack of sex drive, the empty promises ("I promise, we will take care of *things* tonight, baby"), is really leading me to this decision. I do not see her putting any effort in to resolving the issue, or helping us resolve the issue.

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You have been together over a year but I gather it is not that much over a year. The two of you have been living together for 8 months, which means you moved in together a mere 4 months or so into dating....right smack in the middle of the honeymoon period of the relationship. Your fights started 5 months ago..about the time that the honeymoon period ends and two people start seeing the real person underneath. I am guessing that you two rushed this relationship, got caught up in the honeymoon period and are now realizing just how incompatible you really are. Also, once the honeymoon period ends, typically sex is not as frequent either. Do the two of you cuddle and have emotionally intimate moments that are not simply a prelude to sex? In other words, cuddling and intimacy should not only be tied in to having sex..perhaps she thinks you only want to cuddle and get intimate if sex is going to be involved.

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Gosh, I could have written that myself a year ago. Relationship between two 30s professionals, initially good, intimacy dwindled over time due to her lack of interest for which no medical solution was forthcoming, a situation which didn't change for any period of time no matter how much it was raised, and some infidelity on her side with an ex which was not admitted to until months later. Almost an exact parallel, and like you, I um'd and ah'd about leaving without really finding the courage to do so for a long time.

 

You know what happened eventually? Eventually I did leave, and it was the one of the best decisions I've ever made. The palpable relief of not having to deal with that daily drama was well worth it. A while later I met someone else who is infinitely better in every way, and I'd never have had that chance if I'd stayed with the ex. Obviously I can't say for sure what will happen to you in the future, but in a situation very similar to yours, I can honestly say that eventually jumping out of the relationship was definitely the right thing to do.

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I think this is pretty clear case where you should leave.

 

She's not interested in sex with you, but she was able to cheat with her ex? I think this is a clear case where she really wanted him, but is 'settling' for you. Perhaps you make more money and she wants a better lifestyle, or perhaps she wants him but he doesn't really want her and won't agree to get back with her.

 

Regardless, you have two huge red flags... she treats sex as a chore, and she's already cheated on you. You've only known her a year, and you've found two things that are dealbreakers.

 

i'd just go ahead and break up. i think she's using 'tired' as an excuse to avoid sex with you, while she was perfectly able to have sex with her ex, so i think it's just an excuse. she's either waiting to see if her ex will take her back, or she's with you because you're a better provider, and that's frankly using you, and not offering a normal sex life either.

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"She's not interested in sex with you, but she was able to cheat with her ex? I think this is a clear case where she really wanted him, but is 'settling' for you."

 

This is a good point. IMO the OP is a moron for not dumping her and finding someone else that's more sexually compatible, not to mention loyal.

 

For guys that do experience their wives/gf's turning off the sex and/or piling on the weight after they've got you "locked in", read this ASAP:

 

link removed

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Being the OP, or "moron", as you put it in your reply, I went to the link that you posted and I have to say, you are a complete idiot and a sexist pig. You probably treat women like they are dirt and they all owe you something. Good luck with that, and I'll be looking for your post out here in a few years when you are complaining about being lonely and not having any friends or a girlfriend.

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Being the OP, or "moron", as you put it in your reply, I went to the link that you posted and I have to say, you are a complete idiot and a sexist pig. You probably treat women like they are dirt and they all owe you something. Good luck with that, and I'll be looking for your post out here in a few years when you are complaining about being lonely and not having any friends or a girlfriend.

 

I've shown you the door. It's up to you to walk through it. Sadly many people would rather continue to live in the delusions of the matrix than escape it and face the cold harsh reality.

 

In other words you can set standards and expectations, and then explain what happens when she doesn't meet them, or you can keep kowtowing to her and walking on eggshells being used, abused, and left hanging while she has her way with you. The choice is yours to stand up for yourself and what you want out of a relationship. Sometimes people aren't a good match, but other times they get complacent or lack the balls to stand up for themselves. When I read your post I see you as more of the latter than of the former. This is commonplace when gf/wives pile on weight or cut off sex after they get their man locked into a relationship.

 

The #1 way of preventing such bait & switch behavior is to not settle in and let them get complacent in the first place. Be a man with options, be alpha, and be in control by leading and having her follow. It's the natural order of things that far too many people have forgotten in this day and age of widespread misandry and emasculation. Evidence of this is in the knee-jerk reaction of link removed used when folks such as myself man up and call a beta male for what he is and show him the path of alpha dominance and leadership. It threatens the OP's world-view and so he lashes out by labeling me a "misogynist". I don't hate women in the slightest, but I do recognized the differences in the gender and the natural order of things. For example, link removed, not some chump that bends to their will and lets them get away with inappropriate behavior. (read the comments in that last link, especially the ones by Rollo Tomassi)

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