Advice on words for ex-fiancee (epic long)...

[SoulCyclist]

Hello All,

 

New here. Wasn't sure which forum to post this. Since I'm still pretty in love with my ex, and I'd like to be with her again, I figured I'd post here.

 

(Very) Brief Details

• She and I met in 2003. Moved in together in 2004.
  
• She has a major mental illness, and PTSD (that she told me about right after we met).
  
• Engaged for about a year.
  
• Split up in April 2009. She dumped me.
  
• Sounds weird, but she did it out of compassion. She was very sick on-and-off throughout our last 3-years together. She could see that it was killing me and destroying my spirit.
  
• For much of the time in that 3-years, I played the caregiver role, and occasional lover, (when she was able).
  
• We've had intermittent contact throughout the past year, but not much really.
  
• All my friends, that I dropped when with my ex, took me back.
  
• She rebounded twice. I didn't rebound. Hell, I barely had time to eat & sleep, because...
  
• My mom was diagnosed with cancer July 2009.
  
• Mom passed away December 2009.

So, 2009 kinda sucked big time for me. But...

 

In February I re-started: Lots of exercise, meditation, all the hobbies I stopped doing in order to take care of my ex, and then to take care of my mom. Very helpful stuff. I already feel like myself again. Solid, secure, fun, happy.

 

I haven't seen my ex for well over a month. Haven't heard from her for several weeks. I haven't contacted her. Just been taking care of me.

 

She called me one night in early March, crying, because she'd had a nightmare that something "bad" happened to me, and she just wanted to make sure I was ok. Strange. But I spoke to her briefly. We texted a couple times right after that, but that's it.

 

As I said, I'm still in love with this woman. If we were to get back together I don't see why it couldn't work if we did things a bit differently, such as addressing our respective and collective issues in a better way.

 

She's still working on some serious stuff, and she told me a while ago her number one priority is getting healthy and well. This is good! I'm going to continue on my healthy path too.

 

I am at a place where I am getting on with my life regardless. I feel alive again, and excited about life.

 

Through my meditation, there are some things that came into my head that I think I should eventually say to her. I would say this stuff to let her know where I stand, but also so I can get on with my life... Or, it could bring her back to me. I dunno. I'd like it to bring her back. So I may need to change some wording.

 

It's weird. I almost feel that setting her free like this might make her reconsider our relationship. Am I incorrect?

 

A few other things she's told me worth noting

• That she rebounded to get me out of her head, to get over me. She said it didn't work. That I'm still stuck in her head.
  
• She said she is still in love with me.
  
• That there is no replacement for me.
  
• That she is certain she will never meet someone like me again.

Welp, I didn't need a rebound to know that I'm still in love with her, and that she's just gonna be stuck in my head until she's just not, (or until she's back in my arms. haha). And also to know that we are all unique, so I'll never meet another one of her and she'll never meet another me! But I digress...

 

I could meet a woman who is mentally and emotionally more stable than she is. However, I love HER. I can't help it. I just love her. I can't see myself with any other woman. I've got it BAD for this girl!

 

Anyway, here is (approximately) what I'm thinking of saying to her...

 

 

 

Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas? What am I missing? I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

 

Please don't be afraid to slap me upside the head if I'm trippin. haha

 

Oh, and I probably wouldn't say this stuff to her the very next time I see her. Maybe after/if we hang out a couple times or whatever. The next couple times I see her, I will just be chill, fun, light-hearted.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies.

[bungalo]

Your introspection and analysis of your situation, and what you want to say to her seems pretty complete. I noticed at the end of your post you wanted to keep things light with her. If you can handle it...I guess go for it. I have a feeling you might be a little on the "heavy" side. Just a hunch. I take it you two have stayed in touch for pretty much the entire breakup..? what is striking me lately is...you know her best (like I know my ex best)..what do you think? I know this isn't the reply you wanted.

 

I'm only 4 months out of my rel/ship of 5 years..and it's just hitting me..although breakups share some common characteristics...What The Feck? What do complete strangers who've never laid eyes on each other have to offer someone going through the most painful experience of their life other than, I'm sorry? ? It seems like aside from compassion, we're all just p****** in the wind.

 

I have read thousands of posts since Nov '09, a six foot stack of books on relationships, codepency, spirituality, How to be an Alpha Male, How to be her best lover ever, three or four ebooks, sent and read 500 Private Messages, talked for hundreds and hundreds of hours on the phone with people on this site, even flew 2000 miles away to visit an ENA member spent God knows how much money on therapy..in person and over the phone..cried a river of tears....joined Codependents Anonymous (One Month now)...made it 37 days NC..currently 39 days...drank gallons of booze....smoked innumerable cigarettes...skipped way too many meals...Drunk Dialed her a couple of times..sober dialed her a couple of times...sent her poems, song lyrics, told her I'll always love her..pressured her to say "I love you" back to me..cried on the phone to her...emailed...sent a letter..begged God for her to return...went to the old church we used to go to one afternoon and all alone prayed for her to come back on my knees in the darkness...worked out...hit the bars...went to singles dances....and meetup groups.......Slept with someone I didn't love and you know what? She's still gone.

[medtec]

do you want her back?

 

if i was reading that i would think that i would say you really don't care if you get back together with her or not.

 

why is it so long? you should not write a huge email...i just think it's so confusing.

 

of course she dosen't have to tell you...she is an adult and the both of you are single....don't state the obvious cuz if she is over you completely then it could confuse her.

 

i would just start off by trying to be in her life again. if she allows you, she clearly has feelings for you. you can show her how you have changed and see if she has changed. if you get a good feeling about it, then go for it.

 

this email could just really push her away or annoy her. good luck! you guys seem like nice people who could get back together.

[SoulCyclist]

... I have a feeling you might be a little on the "heavy" side. Just a hunch.

Thank you for pointing that out. I can tend toward that sometimes. I'll have to put it in check. I definitely don't want to come accross as too heavy to her.

 

... I take it you two have stayed in touch for pretty much the entire breakup..?

It has only been intermittent contact. Usually there is a span of time (several weeks, a month or more), then she'll text or email me. Or maybe I'll text her.

 

... you know her best (like I know my ex best)..what do you think?

Well. I think she is not entirely sure what she wants. She's the only one who can answer that... So I have been allowing her time and space. However, I don't want to give her too much time and space.

 

... I know this isn't the reply you wanted.

Your reply was great, thank you! I'll take any feedback I can get. If I'm gonna go for this with her again, I'd like to do it right. Though admittedly certain elements are definitely out of my control.

 

 

do you want her back?

Yes, I do.

 

... if i was reading that i would think that i would say you really don't care if you get back together with her or not...

Those words will not be emailed to her. I would only communicate something like what I wrote face-to-face with her. I make it a point to not say much stuff of importance in emails or texts. Too much room for misinterpretation.

 

... of course she dosen't have to tell you...she is an adult and the both of you are single....don't state the obvious cuz if she is over you completely then it could confuse her.

Okay, that makes sense. Point taken, thanks!

 

... i would just start off by trying to be in her life again. if she allows you, she clearly has feelings for you. you can show her how you have changed and see if she has changed. if you get a good feeling about it, then go for it.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

 

... good luck! you guys seem like nice people who could get back together. you, much appreciated!

 

Thanks for the advice, bungalo and medtec. You have given me some good food for thought, and this is exactly what I am looking for. I'll definitely post any updates.

[DazB]

It is very well written but I am not sure whether it is worth telling her all that. If you got to the point where you were ready to tell her all that stuff I would imagin you'd also be at the point where it is not needed.

 

You don't have to explain yourself (even though you probably have that itching need to). She left you and anything you said or done was part of your natural response. Unless you did something particularly bad which would need to be explain or apologised for then I would leave it. Let her lead the way and just be prepared to talk about the past when she feels ready to. She may not even want to go there.

 

 

As the above poster said. You sound like a nice couple and I wish you all the best in getting her back and building a new relationship on the ashes of the old one.

[SoulCyclist]

It is very well written but I am not sure whether it is worth telling her all that. If you got to the point where you were ready to tell her all that stuff I would imagin you'd also be at the point where it is not needed.

This is true. I wonder if it is necessary to tell her this stuff after all? I'm starting to think it might be better to just keep it light, let my actions do the talking, and if things develop, take it from there.

 

... You don't have to explain yourself (even though you probably have that itching need to). She left you and anything you said or done was part of your natural response...

Thanks for pointing that out. I definitely had my little freak outs. haha... I think my words could come off backward to her. And as medtec said, possibly chase her away or make her think I don't care.

 

... Unless you did something particularly bad which would need to be explain or apologised for then I would leave it.

Okay, cool. I definitely haven't done anything uber destructive or bad.

 

... just be prepared to talk about the past when she feels ready to. She may not even want to go there.

I think I can handle that.

 

... As the above poster said. You sound like a nice couple and I wish you all the best in getting her back and building a new relationship on the ashes of the old one.

Thank you! I'll take all the "best wishes" I can get! I was prepared to stand by her side til the end of our days. And I still am!

[SoulCyclist]

Something else...

 

There have been a few times where we've been in contact via text throughout the past year, (either one of us would initiate contact. I'm not keeping tabs).

 

A couple few times (like the last time we texted), she would just not reply after I replied, leaving me hanging. This always leaves me with a wTƒ feeling. Then I leave her alone for several weeks, or more than a month.

 

Several months ago, I mentioned that because of her actions in this regard it makes me feel that she just wants me to leave her alone, that she doesn't want to hear from me. So I drop off.

 

Her response was that she also gets the feeling like I just don't want anything to do with her sometimes. (???) Nothing could be further from the truth. I told her as much... Is she yanking my chain just to keep me on the hook?

 

Rinse. Repeat.

 

Anyway, I don't know the "rules". haha... Do I just wait around for her to contact me again, or should I be the one to break the silence? It'd be kind-of nice if she put in the effort. But I realize this may not happen. After all, she is the dumper and I am the dumpee.

[DazB]

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. You definitely don't know what she wants, so presume nothing.

 

As for the rules - I don't really know what rules there are in this scenario.

 

I guess you shouldn't wait for her to contact you. Go out, be happy and let it be. She will call or not. But maybe's I'm taking your meaning too literal.

 

Sorry if I wasn't of much help there

[SoulCyclist]

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. You definitely don't know what she wants, so presume nothing.

Fer true.

 

I guess you shouldn't wait for her to contact you. Go out, be happy and let it be. She will call or not...

Ya know.. I'm supposed to hang out with my ex's daughter next week. We're just gonna go bowling or shoot billiards or eat grilled cheese or something.

 

Perhaps I'll see if my ex wants to come along and just goof off with us. It'd be a harmless enough scenario. The three of us always had a lot of fun whenever we did stuff. Lots of laughing. I wouldn't have any expectations about whether or not she actually goes. But she might appreciate the invite.

 

Sorry if I wasn't of much help there good. Everyone has been very helpful, and I am grateful for all the thoughts, suggestions, and feedback. Thanks!

[SoulCyclist]

So...

 

No real updates. My ex and I have still been NC. It is unspoken. We just kind of fall off for a while like this.

 

Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with her daughter this eve. I'll probably see my ex briefly when I go to pick up her kid.

 

Here's what I'm thinking

Keep it light, maybe even crack a goofy joke (she loves goofy jokes).

• Ask her how she's been.
  
• If she asks me how I've been, keep it simple, like: "Oh I'm doing pretty good. I've just been a busy bee..." (Which is true).
  
• Then jet. But maybe give her a hug first, and tell her it's nice to see her, and that she looks good.
  
• I'm also thinking of saying something like this before leaving, "Give me a call some time. Let's grab coffee soon. It'd be great to catch up."

Should I pinch her butt too? haha, JUST KIDDING.

 

I wonder if I should tell her that I've been doing a ton of pilates, yoga and bicycling lately? Dunno. Maybe that's better saved for another time.

 

Gosh darn, I miss her like crazy. Almost a year that we're split up now and I'm still madly in love with her. And, my first thoughts every morning, and last thoughts ever night, are of her.