reflecting Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 Well I just posted about going NC with my soon to be ex and beginning to cope with that after a extended period of LC until now. Something was nagging at me deep in my core and as we were once a close couple, and paid each others bills at times, we have each other cell phone passwords... I checked and discovered in the last 4 days he's texted some woman over 100 times. More times that he's texted me. And often starting around the afternoon ending in the very early hours of the morning. I had been curious because of his new female friend and even asked him about her a few days ago and his response is what made me question him. It was snappish and made me wonder why he was reacting in that way. It was peculiar. So I called the number and hung up after she answered. I think he just lined up his replacement. I guess it makes things easier on my part, I had hoped to reconcile but if he's talking to some other woman why should I bother? Now I did tell him today I was going into NC as we shared something and up until now, on my part no animosity between us. His response was that they were just friends and then followed by anger at me bringing up my feelings on our situation while he was feeling down about other things. He's not typically a bad guy, we were having problems and I figure that this person is a easy escape. I don't believe they've been physical yet but I do believe with all the text messages they are skirting around a dangerous area. They are flirting. So what do I do? Right now. I'm maintaining silence. But there will come a time when he will contact me again. And possibly want to talk further. I do want to work it out if we can but I am very untrusting of their 'friendship'. Is there a way that I can ask him to assure me that that is all they are? Is it unreasonable to be asked to be introduced to this person? Is that crazy? All I can think about right now is asking him if they are such good friends, then he'll have no problems introducing us. But then again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DontGetStung Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 He's your ex. He could get her pregnant and it wouldn't be cheating on you. Let it go, go NC, and only talk to him about it if he wants to reconcile. Otherwise, it's none of your business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 That many text messages to one chick is not simply friendly, in my opinion. I think going NC is a great step for you, and if eventually he wants to work it out, then he should stop contact with this girl. You don't want to be competing with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 i'm quite sure you already know that they are not just friends and he's not going to tell you what's really going on. you say he's cheating on you but then in your first sentence you call him your ex. are you together or aren't you? i don't think meeting her would give you peace of mind so i'm not sure i get the point of that. don't bother with that. i would continue on in silence. when he calls if he's not talking about reconciliation and cutting the relationship with this new friend of his then you know what step you need to take next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 He's your "ex", and it sounds like you're in denial. Not to sound harsh, but you need to stay out of his personal life, and stop talking to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norsewoman Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 If he's your ex, he's not cheating on you. It may be irritating to know that he's lined up somebody else already, but it's no longer your business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 25, 2010 Author Share Posted March 25, 2010 Hold your horses everyone. He was not my ex until this very moment AFTER I discovered the multitude of text early this morning. We had agreed upon taking a break but still maintained light contact and had ground rules - he proposed them which included no other people dating or otherwise while we try to work this out. We didn't refer to ourselves as broken up but still a couple working through some issues. He popped online for a moment - in our private chatroom - and simply stated that he didn't want to have a conversation right now about things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 I don't think it's a good idea to have a break with restrictions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 well you did call him an ex - so it was pretty confusing that you were also saying he cheated on you. sounds like he broke his own rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 why did you break NC? you just posted a thread yesterday about him not wanting to talk about reconciliation. it's pretty clear now why he's not interested in talking about it. he's got you on hold while he sees where this new friend takes him. so, what are you going to do? keep talking to him? keep pushing him? did you send the email/letter you asked about yesterday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 Have you communicated to him that the relationship is over? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I_Speak_Jive Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 It's just that it seems that the break is a lot more serious than you want to let on, judging by this post of yours , which reads: I've been on a break with my boyfriend for a few months I understand taking some "time-out" to re-evalue things in a relationship, but if a break lasts several months then to all intents and purposes you are broken up. You are basically just waiting for either one of you to meet someone else and do away with this "no-dating others" clause, which seems to be what has happened. The disadvantage of this is that you have spent months in limbo, waiting for him to come back, instead of starting the painful but essential healing process. I would very much hesitate to call this "cheating". A break is a break. No matter what Rachel from Friends thinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 25, 2010 Author Share Posted March 25, 2010 I admit I wrote the post this morning in haste as I was so surprised about the sudden turn around and needed to vent. I broke contact only after 1 day because he had played the how could I just stop talking to him just like that card. He played on my guilt, which I understand now. We were taking a "time-out" to re-evalue things but it's only been about a month and a half - two months since the break began. Not for months. Before that we were solidly together. He's the one who suggested the no dating clause as he thought it'd confuse the issue of us working on us to get back to where we needed to. Nor did he want to break up. He kept saying he wanted to work on things, work on us. I was not interested in looking elsewhere anyways so I agreed. I guess maybe you're right he was stringing me along until he found a replacement. Or something along those lines. Now that I've had time to think about things I'm okay with it all. I'm glad it's in the open at least now I know. Still, if he wants to work things out, we can talk and possibly take things from the beginning, if he doesn't - hope the door doesn't hit him on the a on the way out. I'm good either way right now all that matters is me. By the way, I don't think that this has turned into a full blown thing yet. It seems as if it's much more of a flirtation that has sprung wings and crossed the line. The line being the massive amount of text. But who knows? Who cares. It's out there and that's that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 25, 2010 Author Share Posted March 25, 2010 And whomever asked... yes I did send the short and sweet version. And with the knowledge of the OW, I now feel no need to have any further contact with him. Funny how that works. Regardless of what I mentioned above about how far along this has gone. It is what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 So he's started to contact me. On one level he says he wants to now talk about some of the issues and things that I've said, on another level he's mentioned a few things that make me believe he's trying to bait me into an argument, turn it around on me and play the blame game. I'm being strong and writing here and NOT responding to him. No one can turn around in just a few hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 I finally had some open dialogue with my ex last night though I kept it short because at this moment I am unsure exactly WHAT to think. He wants to work things out and doesn't want to loose me he says. He apologized and mentioned he missed me. It's nice to hear however...I'm no fool and I just don't think someone can have a turn around in this short period of time. Can they? I'm okay with keeping things as they are at the moment I am working with my issues and working on figuring out what he would be able to do to regain my trust in this matter if I chose to go on with him. When there is someone else in the picture who is new and "just a friend" - but the romantic undertones are clearly there and your "partner" rather ex partner wants to try to work things out with you, is it unreasonable to tell him in order to begin to rebuild things that he must severe all ties with the ow? I don't want to be in competition with this new shiny toy. I hate resorting to it's her or me but I feel if he wants to be with me then this is the way it has to be. How does one approach this matter saying it sternly but in a positive way to get the point accross successfully? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyote1980 Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 It's over for me once I smelled a new "shiny toy" How dare him for juggling between me and the new toy? I should always be #1 and no one else. And as for your soon to be ex, if texting with a random girl 100times over 4days is acceptable to him, you will have more problems later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 He is actively bouncing between two women emotionally and you are allowing this. If you don't start talking through these issues and ask him to lose the friend, the relationship will tumble to an end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflecting Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 No no not bouncing. There's been no communication between us since he began communication with her. Period. I dropped out. We had been working on things previous and it did get a bit intense at one point. I figure as a classic case scenerio it's easy to have this friend who is offering no drama. I've read it here and in relationship books all over. Nothing physical has happened as they are in different states. So purely non-physical at the moment - doesn't mean it can't morph into something more at some states down the line. It's in the beginning stages of what I feel is playing with fire IF he wants to solve our problems and have a relationship with me. That being said, I can't even begin dialogue with him until he looses the new friend. Im just wondering how to bring it up. I don't want to go all commando on him. I want to say it with class, be stern in my output and deliver it in a way that it will be understood that any further communication with her will be unacceptable if he wants to even try to work things out with me. Has anyone else had to go through a situation where they had to tell their SO it's either h/she or me more or less? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyote1980 Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 ^ going through the same crap. I'm about to drop him as everyone here suggested. If he was truly interested in me, I wouldn't even have to ask him about those things. If I were you though(seems like you are more forgiven than me), I'd just be honest with how you feel about the whole situation and it's going to be just you from now on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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