Commitment Issues

[amx]

History:

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. For 6 and 3/4 years he was an amazing boyfriend; faithful, loving, and completely devoted. He is my best friend, and we understand each other.

 

This September I began medical school and as a result my free time was greatly minimized. Simultaneously his family which had been infested with infidelity (both dad and mom) began to disintegrate. In addition his family began to face economic problems.

 

As I mentioned school kept me busy while all this was going on. I knew it was an extremely stressful time for him and I attempted to consul him but Ive always had trouble with my own feelings let alone someone else's. When he talked to me about it I would ask questions and try to formulate a solution for the problems, but this kind of response can often be taken as insensitive. I knew I needed to do more, but I simply could not create time, and there wasn't enough.

 

Around early November he became distant. I noticed it but in my mind I rationalized that it was just a low point in our relationship. In February the distance became too great and I suggested we break up. He did not accept but I was persistent and told him that we should take a break. Although he was reluctant he agreed. However he continued to call and text me daily. In my mind I never wanted the break to be permanent. I wanted the break to give each of us time for reflection so that we would work out our issues, and I conveyed this to him. However two days after I told him this he told me that he had been seeing another girl since late October.

 

The news of his infidelity was extremely painful. It was out of character for him. He had definitely been the better partner for 6 and 3/4 years. I in turn was not a very good girlfriend. I recognize my flaws and can acknowledge my shortcomings that may have contributed to his need to seek someone else and therefore I can forgive him.

 

Problem:

I want us to work it out but he says that although he loves me and he wants to be with me, he is afraid to get back together (fear of hurting me again, fear of getting hurt, and fear of cheating again).

 

Here are some things that may be useful to know:

 

1. He is not seeing the other girl anymore, because in his words he still loves me

 

2. His mother now lives far away and he has since found out things about her that hinders his trust in her (this can be useful considering the importance of mother-son relationships)

 

3. Although his father has been a serial cheater for most of his life my ex was completely faithful for 6 and 3/4 years. As he expressed to me he did not want to become his father.

 

4. He believes he has commitment issues now

 

Questions:

 

1. Can I affectively help him resolve the psychological issues he is facing?

 

2. I love him and I want to be with him, but I don't want to force him or pressure him into a relationship. How can I get him back?

 

3. Any suggestions or opinions you may have even if they are not related to the other questions

 

Thank you

[eggplant47]

1. No. You could potentially be there as additional support if he decides to resolve his psychological issues.

 

2. You can't. Not to be cliched but your only choice is to set him free and see if he comes back to you.

 

3. To be honest, I'm not sure why you would want him back. You seem to be making an awful lot of excuses for him, while being very hard on yourself. I know that people sometimes make mistakes but... this guy didn't just have a few too many and slip up one night... He had a full on affair for several months. Plus, he seems to have a lot of emotional & family baggage. Are you sure that's something you're willing to go through for someone who betrayed you?

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. Best of luck!

[amx]

Thank You for your advice