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I ended my abusive relationship - please read


bruisedangel87

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I have just ended a relationship with an extremely abusive man.

I am new to this forum but i want anybody who is going through a similar situation to please GET OUT. It took me almost two years to leave my abusive boyfriend, and as a result i am severely psychologically damaged. I know that there was something wrong with me to have taken the abuse for so long, but today i finally snapped. I have felt for a long time that my feelings for this man were changing. After everything he has put me through, i don't believe i am in love with him anymore. Although i know it is going to be extremely hard to move on, it is more because of the damage i have done to myself that because of missing him, because he is a horrible, disgusting human being.

I will never forget the first month i began dating him and the conversation i had with my best friend - i actually said to her, "he worships me".

 

Everything was great at the beginning. Until he started becoming controlling. until he started becoming jealous. until he started losing his temper over stupid things. until he started belittling me and calling me names i can't repeat here. until he started occassionally pushing me, choking me. We broke up once, for a month. He acted like he missed me and realised his mistake. It was my mistake to take him back. When we got back together, i showed him a very personal letter i'd written to him when we broke up, that i never planned to show him but it was part of my grieving process. I should have known the second after he read it that things would never change. because all he could say was, "i already kno all of this". he couldn't see the importance of my words and didn't have the courage to care.

 

What makes this worse? I was an extremely close friend of his for five years before we started dating. I have never felt more betrayed and hurt by either a friend or boyfriend ever before in my life.

 

I really hope that anyone else out there in an abusive relationship will realise that while the route of this is psychological, ABUSE IS A CHOICE. Please realise that abusive people will not change while they are with you. They need extensive psychological help, and to heal properly THEY need to be alone for a long time. And for you to heal from the relationship, you have to get out.

 

The month i broke up with my boyfriend was the hardest month of my life. But, by the end of it i felt like i was getting myself back. I was actually happy and at peace. Taking him back ended that. Even if one person finds strength in this post, i will be happy. I would love to hear back from anyone who can relate to me coz i could really use some support right now.

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I can totally relate, there are dozens of threads I had made about my experience, so I won't get into it, but people like that are sick. Falling in love leaves you at your most vulnerable, but with people like these, you open up and they break everything they can. I haven't heard of one instance where they change for the better, either. The one I left really started to self-destruct after I left her, and to this day I still hear second-hand news about some new way she's messing up her life.

 

Good for you on closing up and getting the hell out while the getting was good. It is not easy in the least, and rebuilding seems to be even harder at times, but you will do it.

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Hello Bruised Angel:

 

May I add my congratulations to you. You did something that is very difficult, and yes, good things will come your way. You deserve better. Sadly, this kind of individual will never seek help, and indeed it is highly doubtful if abusers can be rehabilitated. I would not count on it.

I hope you have support there in real life to help you through this difficult transition. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to love yourself again. There will be moments of loneliness, doubt, wondering. Keep as busy as you can, meet up with friends, and perhaps see a therapist to provide you with support.

 

All the best

Hermes

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Good for you! You've done the right thing, even though it was not and will not be easy. You know now that he will not ever change, so stay resolved and don't go back.

 

I also recently left my emotionally and physically abusive husband of four years. And like you, I am now psychologically damaged by what I went through. If I had left even a year ago (before the physical abuse really started), I probably would have been better off. But by waiting, the damage has been much worse. I'm hoping someday to get past it, but I feel like I've lost the person who I used to be. I hope she comes back someday.

 

Good luck with everything. Hang in there.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

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Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and for your supportive messages. It means alot to know that there are others going through similar situations and it means more that i know there are those that have chosen to end the abuse cycle. It really empowers me to know that. @TN-Walker, i admire you for ending a marriage - it was hard enough walking away from a relationship that i knew wasn't going anywhere, i can only imagine how hard it must have been to walk away from a marriage. But at the end of the day, if you are with somebody abusive the most important thing you can do is realise your self-worth and understand that you deserve better.

 

@metrogirl

 

I definitely feel stronger this time because my feelings for my boyfriend have significantly subsided to the point where i don't even kno if i can honestly say i love him. That process made me realise that i value myself alot more than to stay with somebody who is acting as an emotional anchor in my life.

I'm young and i want to heal myself so that one day i can be in a healthy and mutually respectful relationship with somebody amazing. If i damage myself anymore i don't think that will be possible.

 

@alcide

 

Getting the courage to leave was definitely a long, drawn out process. The first step was to recognize that i was in an abusive relationship because prior to that i had no idea what was happening. I toned it down to a simple temper problem, but i realise that i was in denial.

 

I would say talking to my friends helped but it didn't because no matter how many times people told me i was not in a normal relationship and that i should get out before its too late to heal, i wasn't ready to let go.

 

After realising i was in an abusive relationship, i won't lie - i tried to reach out to my boyfriend and i begged and pleaded for him to understand what he was doing and to get help. While he acknowledged this from time to time, his actions proved otherwise. He would go through phases of being good to me and then revert back to his abusive personality.

 

The key factor here was that i began to emotionally detach myself from the relationship. I started to think only about all the negative things that my boyfriend would say and do to me, and ignore the crumbs of positive he would throw me from time to time. After a while i conditioned my thought process so much and withdrew my feelings to the point where i couldn't even return the words "i love you" to my boyfriend when he would say them to me. and the simple truth is because i wasn't sure i did love him anymore. The person i fell in love with was long gone and would never return and i began to come to this realisation as time passed.

 

While this was a process which i had to control myself, i was still holding onto the relationship simply out of loneliness and doubt that i could build a life for myself after the relationship ended. Then i began to imagine the future and what it would hold. More fights, severely escalating abuse and me time and time again ending up hurt, and regardless of my partner, alone.

 

I did have a breaking point however. This was fairly recent. I had had a really awful day where i was feeling terrible about myself and where my life was going. it seemed like nothing was going right. I phoned my boyfriend for comfort, but all he cared about was having dinner. He eventually called me back over an hour later and didn't bother to ask why i was so down. Eventually we had a huge fight, where he began belittling me and saying this to me like i was a worthless piece of trash..etc etc. he said alot of worse things but i won't go into it. It was a typical abusive argument. To top it all off he mocked me when i began to cry and blamed me for his outburtst - saying if i hadn't been in such a bad mood he wouldn't have to give me back some of my attitude. He even told me he didn't care if i died, knowing full well that i have suicidal tendencies. This sent me over the edge and i just realised that the one person i was holding onto out of loneliness was also the one person in my life who would make me feel the worst in my time of need. I hung up on him and i haven't spoken to him since.

 

While this is very recent, i want to take back control of my life and stay away from him. While i doubt he will contact me anytime soon, if he ever does again i will simply ignore him. I can't afford to let him back into my life for the sake of my emotional well-being and my future.

 

I know this has been along reply, but i hope that if you are in a similar situation some of my words may help you to understand how i gathered the strength to leave. I know it's not going to be easy and there will be days where i want nothing more than to curl up next to my ex - but on these days i will just remind myself how he choked me once. Everytime i think of something good, i will counteract it with a bad act. I know everybody has their own process, but becoming emotionally detached really helped me. It's not easy, but you would be surprised at what you can train your mind to do.

 

I am a young, attractive woman and i have my whole life ahead of me and i don't want to waste one more second of my time with somebody who has caused me depression, anxiety and unhappiness. Please trust your instincts. Everytime you are turning away from what is meant to be, you will feel it in your gut. I did for two years, yet i held on and as a result i am an emotional mess.

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