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Its been nearly 9 months including 2 months abs. NC... I have been with professional help for about 9 wks. I have read every breakup advice guide I can get my hands on. I have had everyone give me their advice and try to help me. I have been on these forums for 9 plus months.

 

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get the good memories out of my head. I can't seem to find peace without her. I can't seem to want to let go even when I know she is long gone... I can't seem to NOT get anxiouty about her being with someone else when I had to watch the whole thing start. Its like I have PTSD... I have seen so many men hop in and out of relationships like they could care less, and my ex has even seemed to do the same. It baffles me. The ability to just be ok with losing everything we had. I just can't seem to shake our memories and this loss. We had mostly good memories... Things, for the most part, seemed perfect between us until I went out of state for 2 months. I can't seem to shake the "what ifs." I dont want to replace her, or find someone else.

 

I feel so weak for being so crippled. Like less of a man. I went over 10 yrs of my life without a single tear, and after her I can't even start to count how many times I've balled my eyes out. I'm just tired of the pain. I'm tired of people telling me to move on or let go. I'm tired of trying to sleep so not to have to deal with the reality that shes gone forever. I'm just tired.

 

What gives?!? What is the damn point in it all???

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This is so difficult to read because I truly feel your pain. Unfortunately only YOU can decide when enough is enough. You can dwell on about it for years to come or you can FORCE yourself to move on and move past it.

How do you move past someone you love & care about? You fight the urges, you realize NOTHING and no one is perfect. Everyone has some good memories and when we break up those memories seem to linger around.

I KNOW you don't want to hear people telling you to let go and move on, but I'm sure those people just want to help you. Obviously still thinking " what if" and hoping for something isn't working. you need to realize there is live after her.

 

From reading your post I feel like you're still hoping for something, wishing and that's fine but when and where does it stop? How long until you start thinking about YOU?

 

You just have to keep telling yourself you deserve better, there is better and you will be happy again. AND there is better! Believe me, there is!

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Thanks for the response petite, what I've had trouble finding is the want to let go... she was the only woman I've ever truly loved... Nothing in this world could have made me leave her... Not money, another woman, super powers. Nothing. I guess one day, being tired will give me the will to want to move along???...

 

Tangz,

We were considered the desirable couple by everyone. We were very much in love and everyone seemed to think we were destined to be together. We did however, have some issues to workout with each other. I had a great oppurtunity to work out of state and she encouraged me to do so. We promissed each other that nothing would happen and we would do anything to make it work. I left her in crying arms. 3 wks before I got back I flew her out to see me. Things seemed perfect. I truly beleived we were meant for each other and she said she was so excited for me to return. The last 2 wks I was there she met a "friend." It all changed there. Her friend and her spent a lot of time on fbook chat and finding ways to be good friends. Within a wk of being back she broke up with me, because we were on different pages. She needed to refind herself. We needed to work on ourselves. A codependency developed... I had more and more evidence of what really happened. I left to work out of state again. She continued to lead me on with txts and emails indicating we may have a chance in the future but she wasn't sure. Denied until the end that there was anyone else, yet I continued to collect evidence that she indeed was seeing this "friend." Eventually I return around 6 months later where the txts are gettinf further and further apart. I ask to see her and she replies that its not a good idea. At this point I had tons of evidence so I told her I didn't want her to contact me anymore (2 months ago). 2 wks later I got the 100% confirm with pictures of her and the "friend" on fbook. Since, just more and more evidence. I feel like the last time I had her was before I left for work... That she tragically died when I left.

 

Its made me feel forsaken. I truly loved everything about this woman and would have done anything for her...

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JTM, wow damn that's tough!!

 

I recommended the BOTH of you read the link that was just posted. I just read it and thought it was right on point.

 

You got to try and block these thoughts of her with someone else out of your head. Think about all strengths you had with her then appreciate the fact that you did that well and you don't believe someone else could do that with her.

 

To you and brokenhearted - how are you both now? Depressed wrecks? Are you going out? Are you seeing your friends? Have you let your own personal apperance and confidence go?

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NsKrewtable, I read the link. Some inpirational things. I think i'll add it to my list of readings and give it a few more looks.

 

Ms Darcy, I have been in therapy for 5 wks and attend weekly. I have done alanon up until I decided to get a professional therapyst.

 

squirl & tangz, I have read dozens of online articles regarding breakups, codependency, being left for someone else, coping with loss, insecure attachment, and more. Some books I've covered are Idiots guide to Relationships, Codependent No More, and a couple others that i got an ebook for or borrowed. I have traveled up and down the California coastline, to the grand canyone, to las vegas 3 times, to florida, and all over the east coast. I forced myself to workout 3-5 times a wk for months. I have reconnected with many old friends. Watched dozens of movies and stayed busy with my work... After all of this I still miss her. If anything, doing these things showed me even more that she was most important to me. No place to live or work was nearly as important to me. My gut has been nearly 100% accurate most of my life. I was so sure we were right for each other. I just don't know anymore........

 

Thanks to everyone for reading my posts from time to time and following the story of a hurt soul. I really appreciate these strangers who have taken their time to help a fellow brother in need. I will never forget this forum...

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In your case I would actually encourage you to meet with her one on one and talk. Not that you will get back together, but so you can see for yourself who she is today and not cling to memories of her past self.

 

If she is any decent human being at all, she should give this to you. This would be horribly painful for both of you, but not more so than what you're living day to day.

 

Good luck, John.

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I asked her to meet 2 months ago before I decided to rebegin NC. I was well aware at that point that she was seeing this "friend" and her txt updates about her life were most likely with him. She said she wasn't rdy to see me and cried at my txt. That she is hoping I am doing well. That is it. The only other time we met after we both moved out of our apt was when she asked to see me. I hopped on a plane a flew 2600 miles to see her over thanks giving. She ended up crying at my sight and said it was extrememly hard on her to see me...

 

I don't think its a good idea at this point... I have began NC to attempt a healing process. I think seeing her will set me back... I don't want to look into her eyes and see that she still loves me but chooses someone else. Last time we met, thats exactly what i saw. Little did she realize it but she was giving me updates of events and things she was planning. I knew they were all related to the guy she left me for. It hurt so much more. I am not even sure if she had an idea if I knew or not...

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I don't want to look into her eyes and see that she still loves me but chooses someone else. Last time we met, thats exactly what i saw.

 

You see what you want to see. I would definitely re-read Co-Dependent No More.

 

Is your ex actually an Al-anon qualifier? The specific group for Codependents is CoDa. link removed

 

It sounds like you may actually want to find some CoDa meetings, possibly work a program.

 

Good luck.

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perhaps you're right. but also spending nearly everyday with someone for 3 years qualifies you to be pretty observent of their manorisms. She said she still loved me and thats when she broke down crying. That doesn't change that she believes we are NOT right for each other... And obv. thinks this new guy is a better fit.

 

I'll throw out the idea of a CoDa meeting to my therapyst. I don't think i was able to locate one nearby. My mom's fiance is a therapyst and recommended AlaNon based on his observations of my ex and her family history. Either way, it helped a bit. Not with missing her though, and coping with her loss. That in my opnion is something else...

 

Thanks for all the help squirl, and I appreciate your wishes... best of luck to you as well

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So... If you have read this thread you can get that I have tried many things to move on from my EX without much success. Part of me believes she really was a soulmate that didn't work out. It has been EASILY the HARDEST most HORRIFIC seconds of my life to try and accept the fact that what we had is gone and she is with another man... I have read so much material and looked for so many answers as to why my higher power would take her from me. Why this was allowed to happen... Why I had to lose her...

 

Before my breakup I was very fascinated with the Dalai Lama and Buddhist teachings. That of Ghandi and other peace promoters. I tried to bring that style of outmost peace into my life. I have been revived by a book that reminds me that I have control and how to regain control over life's trials and tribulations... The name of the book is Peace Is Every Step. Its forward by the Dalai Lama.

 

This book teaches one to truly appreciate every moment. So far, I have been able to gain some power over the anxiouty of missing my Ex. I have found this literature to be very inspiring so far...

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