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Purpose of the meet up...


TimJohn74

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Ok so I did the whole month no contact thing and really it worked I am in a great place I know I can move on and live life and have fun and be happy without her. That being said I still would like to get back together if possible.

 

So I gave her a call the other day, kept it short casual, joked around a little. Asked if she wanted to get lunch sometime next week. She said yeah, can you email the day you were talking about and I will check my schedule.

 

So a couple days later I email her and she responds with "I have a meeting earlier that day" no definite answer if she can make it or not. And then she goes so "what is the purpose of this meet up?" Now i know she is probably fishing for the answer as to my intentions and from there she can decide if her meeting will get in the way or not.

 

Just trying to get opinions on the best way to respond. I know saying something like I just wanna talk is going to scare her off. So I was just thinking of saying something like. "Purpose...have a fun time."

 

Any advice or opinions are appreciate. thanks!

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Well, what IS the purpose of the meet-up, in your opinion? I'm curious, and if you can answer that then you're in good shape.

 

One thing that did really stand out to me, I've put in bold ... Now, I'm sure you're a smart guy. Do you see the problem with this? These are two conflicting statements. You might argue that you've moved on, and think it would just be nice to get back together on the "off-chance" that it's possible ... but come on. You haven't moved on, not completely. You still want her back.

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Well, what IS the purpose of the meet-up, in your opinion? I'm curious, and if you can answer that then you're in good shape.

 

One thing that did really stand out to me, I've put in bold ... Now, I'm sure you're a smart guy. Do you see the problem with this? These are two conflicting statements. You might argue that you've moved on, and think it would just be nice to get back together on the "off-chance" that it's possible ... but come on. You haven't moved on, not completely. You still want her back.

 

I totally agree with you. The most important to get back together on the "off-chance"

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Honestly I am trying to go in with no expectations of what the meet-up will lead to. Really the purpose behind the meet-up I see is to re-establish contact and to keep my options open I guess. I mean if it goes bad I am fine with that.

 

But you are right, I haven't moved on 100%, I am OK with not ending up back together but I would lying if I said given the choose between the 2 I wouldn't choose getting back together.

 

So where do I go from here?

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And actually previous statement on the purpose of the meet-up probably is not true....the ultimate purpose is probably to try and get back together. Which I am guessing probably means I shouldn't meet up....

 

i think you have answered your own question here. your purpose IS actually to try to get back together. i'm guessing that hers is not at this time. i think you will hurt yourself because ultimately you will not be satisfied with the outcome of the meet up, if it doesn't accomplish your purpose.

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Honestly I am trying to go in with no expectations of what the meet-up will lead to. Really the purpose behind the meet-up I see is to re-establish contact and to keep my options open I guess. I mean if it goes bad I am fine with that.

 

But you are right, I haven't moved on 100%, I am OK with not ending up back together but I would lying if I said given the choose between the 2 I wouldn't choose getting back together.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

Well, I don't think you should meet her without having a clear idea of what you want.

 

You seem conflicted, which is a very normal feeling, especially since you're healing. So I would take more time for yourself.

 

I know...easier said than done

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I guess maybe part of it is I am confused with what your asking. Are you asking if the purpose of THIS specific meet-up? If so then the reason behind that is kind of re-establish contact, see how it goes, go in with no expectations and take it from there. If it goes well and we both have fun maybe we try it again. I am not looking to put any labels, pressure or false deadlines on this this.

 

However ultimately if things go well I would like to get back together in the long run, however I am not getting my hopes up for that, it is ultimately what I would want but I know either way this is not going to have an effect on my happiness.

 

During this first meet up I would in NO way bring up the relationship or break-up and if she does I would probably just say "I don't really want to talk about that now, let's just have fun". And then if it ever comes to getting back together I think I may NEVER ask her if she wants to get back together and basically if we get to that point let her ask or have her bring it up or have her even hint about it.

 

Maybe that clears it up a little more? Or do you still think I should take more time?

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I actually went through this exact process. I had NIC for about a month. Called her up and asked if she. Wanted to get coffee. She seemed sort of hesitant at first but she agreed. We got together and neither of us brought up the relationship or how we've been ect...

 

Basically all we did was catch up for about 2 hours. This really didn't do anything for me but give me false hope. I then waited a few weeks for her to contact me to hang out but she never did. She would contact me but not to hang out. Just about random things.

 

It felt so good to see her and talk to her but believe me, it was only a temporary fix.

I'm pretty sure more bad then good came out of it in terms of reconciliation.

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to me, the fact that she is prodding to see what the purpose of the meet up is, is a sign that she's trying to feel you out - probably hoping that you aren't trying to get back with her, ya know, have the relationship talk. you are more emotionally invested in this lady than you realize and you are both coming with two different frames of mind. i think you will end up disappointed. i could be wrong, but that is my opinion. it will end up being a big deal for you, but not so much for her.

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In the long run that is what I would prefer. I know my world's not going to end if I don't get back with her and really that my happiness doesn't depend on getting back with her. I am just as happy without her as I was with her. However I do think she is a great person and if we could end up back together great, if not no problem.

 

I am not looking to do this in one meeting, or even like 5, I know it's a process and I may never even make it any where in it. But I do want to have that option. Like I said I don't want to put a label on it, just kind of meet up see what happens and go from there. If we have fun and both want to hang out again cool, if not oh well I know I can find someone else. It would be ignorant to think that I couldn't.

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to me, the fact that she is prodding to see what the purpose of the meet up is, is a sign that she's trying to feel you out - probably hoping that you aren't trying to get back with her, ya know, have the relationship talk. you are more emotionally invested in this lady than you realize and you are both coming with two different frames of mind. i think you will end up disappointed. i could be wrong, but that is my opinion. it will end up being a big deal for you, but not so much for her.

 

I totally agree that is what she is doing. And I in NO WAY want to have the relationship talk, I really feel at this point there is NO POINT whatsoever to talk about it. What I really want is to just see how it goes, if we have fun do it again, if we have fun the next time do it again and then if we have hang out a bunch of times then maybe bring it up, although I would let her bring it up or hint at it, if she doesn't then I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's weird and awkward and not fun why would I want to bring it up, why would I want to be in a relationship that isn't fun, so basically I want to see what happens and go from there.

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tell her you just want to hang out for a bit? or catch up? whatever you think wouldn't scare her off.

 

Basically here is what I think my response will be....

 

The purpose…to drink coffee…..and we haven’t talked in a few weeks and I just want to catch up.

 

Which honestly is all I want from this meeting...the long run that's a different story, however I guess want to get back together is only potentially what I want because I may go and find I don't really want to even try to get back together.

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well if you really think you can handle whatever the outcome is, then go for it i guess. i hope it goes well for you. did she make any attempts to contact you during the 30 days?

 

I honestly think I can. And no she did not contact me once during the 30 + days of no contact. I do know she is super busy and that is actually probably part of what lead to our break up originally and she only got busier, so that may have lead to it.

 

She did seem happy to talk to me when I called and the call went really well. And she did respond to my email super quick, so we will see. Like I said I am trying to not read too much into things and just go in with limited expectation and just try to have a fun time. Just be me, have fun and really the rest is up to her.

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to me, the fact that she is prodding to see what the purpose of the meet up is, is a sign that she's trying to feel you out - probably hoping that you aren't trying to get back with her, ya know, have the relationship talk.

 

What I really want is to just see how it goes, if we have fun do it again, if we have fun the next time do it again and then if we have hang out a bunch of times then maybe bring it up, although I would let her bring it up or hint at it, if she doesn't then I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's weird and awkward and not fun why would I want to bring it up, why would I want to be in a relationship that isn't fun, so basically I want to see what happens and go from there.

 

I agree with Shesofly, that it doesn't sound like she's interested in getting back together. From your response, it sounds like you are hoping this first meeting leads to more meetings which leads to reconciliation.

 

I hope you see the inconsistency there. I know you say you can handle it not being a relationship, but people always say that. Good luck.

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I agree with Shesofly, that it doesn't sound like she's interested in getting back together. From your response, it sounds like you are hoping this first meeting leads to more meetings which leads to reconciliation.

 

I hope you see the inconsistency there. I know you say you can handle it not being a relationship, but people always say that. Good luck.

 

 

I do see the inconsistency, and I 100% agree, as of right now I know she doesn't want to get back together. I guess my feelings are that if we do have fun and both want to hang out again that those feelings may change. I could be wrong, and I am not banking my hopes on that at all. But I do want to see how it goes and let the chips fall where they may.

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Why did she end it?

 

Basically after a drunk "I love you", that wasn't how I really felt she got freaked out (we were dating for like 4 months). I don't blame had the situation been reversed I probably would have been freaked out too. But basically she said she was scared because things were moving so fast and she was so over whelmed with a lot of stuff going on her life that something had to give and this was it. She basically said she didn't feel the same way anymore much to her own shock because for the previous 4+ months she was very much into me and the relationship, so much so that before this whole thing happened I thought she was way more into it than me.

 

Basically through the whole thing I was pretty calm and said hey I understand, I would rather it not be this way but I understand and respect your decision. She said thank you for being so cool with all this. And I said no problem, you know how to reach me, and she said and you know how to reach me to, and besides it's not like we are never going to talk about. And thats how it ended, we haven't talked since earlier this week when I called her.

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Basically after a drunk "I love you", that wasn't how I really felt she got freaked out (we were dating for like 4 months). I don't blame had the situation been reversed I probably would have been freaked out too. But basically she said she was scared because things were moving so fast and she was so over whelmed with a lot of stuff going on her life that something had to give and this was it. She basically said she didn't feel the same way anymore much to her own shock because for the previous 4+ months she was very much into me and the relationship, so much so that before this whole thing happened I thought she was way more into it than me.

 

And thats how it ended, we haven't talked since earlier this week when I called her.

 

After four months, 'I love you' shouldn't scare someone away. She doesn't hve to say it back, but it must have hurt you a lot that she left once hearing it. When she says that stuff about moving too fast, she's trying to find a reason she doesn't love you. It's really tough in young relationship like that if she didn't fall in love to get her back. Not impossible. You would really have to be ok with being friends and then crossing your fingers.

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After four months, 'I love you' shouldn't scare someone away. She doesn't hve to say it back, but it must have hurt you a lot that she left once hearing it. When she says that stuff about moving too fast, she's trying to find a reason she doesn't love you. It's really tough in young relationship like that if she didn't fall in love to get her back. Not impossible. You would really have to be ok with being friends and then crossing your fingers.

 

Believe it or not it really didn't hurt me as much as you would think. I learned a not so long time ago not to let stuff like that upset. Really when you think about it everyone is just trying to be happy, that’s what they want and that is why they take the actions they do. Right or wrong they are just trying to make the best decision with the knowledge they have at hand. So even though I really don’t agree with her decision I know she was doing her best.

 

I guess the way I look at it is because everything was so great and so perfect for 4 months that it might be easier to get her because we only have good memories (other than that 1 drunk night). She even said it as we were breaking up, we always got along so great, and never had a fight and I don’t know why I feel differently I just do. Maybe I am being naive or using wishful thinking but to me if I just show her I am still that guy she first fell for that things would work out. Once again I could be wrong I don’t know….

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