I don't know if he's my ex or not. He's ignoring me. How to proceed?

[wisdomseeker]

Hello, I really need some advice before I make even more mistakes (sigh).

Boyfriend (we're both in our 30s) and I dated three years. Broke up several months ago. We were apart for 5 months but in low contact (mostly initiated by me, but then he started to tell me he still loves me). He was seeing someone a couple of months after we broke up. He broke things off with her and immediately we got back together. He kept me at arms length for 2.5 months, saying he wasn't emotionally available, wanted to take it slow, he didn't want to be intimate until things were all fine etc.

 

I tried my best, but at times I know I showed my disappointment with how he wasn't himself and I think I pushed things at times. Then about a month ago he got upset on the phone and stopped calling. At first I thought he needed space, so I gave him a little while, and then tried to reach out. Nothing. Eventually he wrote back told me that he doesn't want to engage in any relationship or emotional analysis, and so I told him that I don't either and invited him to do something fun. No response. I tried to reach out a couple of times again with light fun invitations and no response. Finally I sent him a messages telling him that I don't need an explanation but would he let me know if things are over or if he just needs space which I will gladly give him. No response. I called and left a message---no call back. There are some reports that he is spending time again with the woman he was seeing while we were apart.

 

After all this time together is it possible that I'm being blown off without a proper goodbye and he's already moving on without telling me? Should i take this as it's over? Is he not replying to my question abotu whether it's over because he wants to keep me on the back burner?

 

I'm confused, hurt, and devastated. How do I handle this?

 

Ugh, and I made the mistake of telling him if it's over i need to know, because I can't move on unless I know it's done.

[PieFace]

I am only 18 so I don't know how much I would really know about this to help you but just to give you some input on my opinion I think he's keeping you as a fallback in case his "bigger and better" things don't work out... which if you ask me makes him a jerk (no offense) but that is my opinion and I hope it helped you out even just a little bit...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is acting like a selfish jerk. It sounds to me like that other woman may have dumped him so he came back to you until she decided to come back to him and that is why he has gone silent on you. Take this as an indication that he has a rotten character because however nice he may have been during the relationship, how he chose to use you and then disappear without any warning and with no acknowledgement of your contact to find out what was going on, shows that he is a cowardly user without a conscience. Take this as it being over, and if he ever contacts you again tell him that his behaviour stinks and you don't want to have anything to do with him after he pulled a stunt like that.

[eggplant47]

definitely take this as it's over! Cause even if in his mind, he's just taking a break... do you want a man who treats you this way?? His being upset does not excuse him from the common courtesy of giving you a return phone call. Frankly, it's just plain cruel to leave you hanging like this. Not to mention his being "emotionally unavailable", and unwilling to communicate with you about your relationship.

 

I was really surprised to read that this individual is in his 30's!! Based on his behavior, I would have guess 19 or 20.

 

Don't waste anymore time waiting for him to bounce back from this other woman or for a proper goodbye.

 

Take the time you need to heal & then find a man that's worth having. Good luck!

[minou]

Oh sweetie, how painful! I'm so sorry. He sounds really selfish. How to proceed? Focus on healing. There's really nothing else you can do. What a feeling of powerlessness.... Take the power back in your hands... go out.... look good even when you don't feel it.

[wisdomseeker]

Thank you so much, you guys. CAD you may be right that that's what happened. He is being extremely selfish and immature, but here's the worst of it---I continued to reinforce his behaviour (stupidly thinking he just needed time) with nice emails etc. Ugh.

 

So, no point in trying to get some answers from him, is the consensus? I basically let him know I love him, am there for him, can't let go until I know it's over for good and that I'm not going to be the one to say goodbye. Ugh again.

 

Any recovery from this? Part of me wants to run into him (easy to do) and confront him with a 'what's going on?'.

 

You're right minou--I feel completely powerless.

[metrogirl]

Eventually he wrote back told me that he doesn't want to engage in any relationship or emotional analysis,

 

There is your answer. He doesn't want a relationship and from what I gather with his lack of repsonse, he doesn't want the friendship either.

[shessofly]

do not attempt to contact him again for any reason. i know it's hard because he didn't do this the right way, but you've gotten your answer. yes, he is an ex. time for you to heal. wow...how immature is this?

[adviseseeker]

First of all, I like your name!

 

I'm guessing he broke up with you? What reasons did he give you?

 

I can see why you sent him the message of just wanting to know whether it's over or not, I've wanted to do that so many times. It seems to me like he's doing the same thing my ex is doing, which is not closing the door for good with you. He doesn't want to be with you right now while he explores his other options but because he knows you're wonderful and you love him he wants to keep you around until he figures it out. He's not responding so that's your cue to stay far far away from him....don't run into him either! You need to disappear for a good while. I would not even talk to him if he tries as long as that other woman is in the picture.

 

I would be suspicious if he came back around in a month or two, you don't want to be the fall back plan until he can win the other girl back again. When he does you should just ignore him because he's a jerk anyway...but if you still want to give him a chance then ignore him until he apologizes for his behavior and talks about wanting to work it out 100% with you. Three years is a long time, he will soon find out what an idiot he's being....but you can't let him just waltz back into your life when that happens.

 

Hang in there!