What do you think of open relationships?

[blitzkrieged]

Sometimes I am so absolutely convinced that a guy can't stick to having one sex with just one girl, I have extensively thought about open relationships, in the case of really long term partners. As long as both people are very open with each other. I don't know... It's like men are OBSESSED and its just nature.. Im constantly exposed to this is media (news, music) guy friends, hanging out in a club, walking down the street... etc... I think guys could stick to one girl if she fully kept up with his needs, which could prove very difficult eventually (unless she has alot of wigs, huge wardrobe and a wild imagination).

 

I just don't think its possible for most men in the long haul. Im not saying women don't get bored too, but we don't think with our vagina lol, maybe that just means we can last longer (I don't know, never gone past the 3 year mark). I don't know if open relationships are the answer but its an interesting thought.. Imagine if that ugly emotion jealousy didn't exsist.

[newwave]

If it's a non serious relationship, I get it. Otherwise, no. I could never share a boyfriend/husband with someone else. To each their own, but I think it's wrong.

[simply]

It's not a relationship, it's called, friends with benefits.

[Capricorn3]

It's not something I would do as it's just not me. It may work for many people and if so, hey, whatever floats your boat.

[rosephase]

I'm in an open relationship and I think you are wrong. There are a lot of men who can be monogamous. And most men who are in polyamorous (a type of open relationship) relationships are not in them because they CAN'T stay monogamous.

 

I think there are a lot of good reasons to try non-monogamy none of which are because you don't believe the other sex is capable of being monogamous. I am poly because I have a lot of hope when it comes to what we are capable of giving as human-beings not because I have given up.

[jss1100]

Ive been in a long term open relationship before and yes it can work but as monogamy does, an open relation comes with its own unique pros and challenges. It can work and be conducive to great fun and growth for all involved, but most people are not able to get over jealousy. etc.

[BellaDonna]

I think all of the reasons you stated above are not good reasons why people should have open relationships. If open relationships are simply a bandaid for cheating/lack of self-control, a change of semantics, or a way to contend with gender stereotypes I doubt they will be successful if that is their foundation.

 

I think an open relationship should only be considered if both partners truly want the relationship to be "open" and feel comfortable with the concept in it's entirity, and separate from any generalizations.

[Jd1983]

I have nothing against it per se, but personally I would not be able to do this. I can't imagine sharing my bf with anyone and I'm sure he feels the same way.

[FathomFear]

Monogamy is prominent but it has always struck me as odd. It's almost as if it's based on the idea that love needs to be exclusive. For example, if I were in a relationship with a guy, why does this mean that I suddenly should lose the capacity to love other people? Or that only one person should experience my love? Why do we assume that expressing love towards another person would mean I suddenly love my boyfriend less?

 

Logically I don't think monogamy makes much sense. I think it's one of those things that we just culturally do out of very primal emotions.

[scared and alone]

I can't judge them, if both partners are fine to it and agree with it, whatever works for them. But I could never do it, unless it wasn't serious. I had a sorta fwb (although there was no sex) but, one time he told me about this girl wanting to go out with him and I couldn't exactly say no, because we weren't exclusive, so I told him to go for it. I oddly didn't really care, even though I liked him. I can't explain it lol. I just knew we were never gonna be serious or anything. But for a SERIOUS relationship, no. Couldn't do it.

[itsallgrand]

To me, the way you describe your current feelings about men is sort of the "giving up" and somewhat cynical and hopeless vibe. That's ok once in a while and venting, but no way to actually go out there believing that it is the way "all men are". It's the trap of generalization.

 

And the belief seems to be something like this "all men are basically pigs who can't control themselves sexually, who are hedonistic and whose sexual urges/biology destine them to either chasing after many women or being unhappy/suffering when with one woman for a longer time."

 

I don't think it's realistic. It's true of some men, and some women too, but not the lot.

 

And once you start looking through those dark lenses of those set of people and thinking it is reality, adapting yourself and your standards and what you want out of a relationship based on what you think you can get (but it isn't necessarily accurate to what you could have or expect !) - then you get sucked down to making choices that you won't usually be happy with.

 

Open relationships? Ok, that is what it is, but it is not monogamy and if monogamy is what a person wants - I think there are others out there suited to that and wanting that, able and willing to do that. It's just a matter of finding the right person and not losing oneself along the way in pursuing relationships and people that aren't what you wanted in the first place.

 

And open or monog or poly or whatever - I don't think it's good for any relationship when cynicism about the opposite sex or generalizations seep in and get some control. It's just bad all around for trying to relate and be intimate with someone of that sex you are judging and evaluating.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm in an open relationship and I think you are wrong. There are a lot of men who can be monogamous. And most men who are in polyamorous (a type of open relationship) relationships are not in them because they CAN'T stay monogamous.

 

I think there are a lot of good reasons to try non-monogamy none of which are because you don't believe the other sex is capable of being monogamous. I am poly because I have a lot of hope when it comes to what we are capable of giving as human-beings not because I have given up.

 

 

I agree. Some people are programmed to be monogamous and others want to seek polyamorous relationships. Those who are polyamorous aren't people who aren't capable of monogamy. They simply want to have more partners and loving/trusting relationships.

 

Cheaters and liars are not trusting/loving partners and cannot really have healthy relationships, be them open or closed.

 

And, men are certainly capable of not cheating and being satisfied with one partner. The ones you should worry about, anyway.

[BellaDonna]

I agree. Very well stated.

[Batya33]

I agree too. I think it's fine for two adults to agree to have multiple partners - I call that "casual dating" but I guess others have categories like polyamory or "open relationships". I met many men who wanted monogamous relationships and several who wanted that with me, no bells/whistles/wigs, etc needed. A key for me was that in 25 years of dating I had my cynical moments but in general I felt that I was treated with respect and like a lady by the men with whom I was romantically involved and always had close male friends who I valued highly. When I saw or felt a vibe of negativity when I met someone who was a potential date/relationship, that was a dealbreaker -- so I agree to be careful about keeping your attitude positive. And it's not like a car wash - often you have to actively work on that, have talks with yourself, interact with other positive people and avoid the negative people (women and men), etc.

[Seraphim]

It is not for me, but I can not judge someone else for it.

[Kratta]

I totaly disagree, most of my friends never had any trouble sticking to their parter, (well, until the relationship didn't work out any longer.) I had an open relationship last spring, prably the biggest love of my life, but it was also one of the most painfull relationships i ever experienced. Being monogamous isn't necessary a moral choice, it is about what works out for you.

[Rangafro]

I'm in an open relationship and I think you are wrong. There are a lot of men who can be monogamous. And most men who are in polyamorous (a type of open relationship) relationships are not in them because they CAN'T stay monogamous.

 

They're also not in it for endless sex. Really I don't believe anyone has much hope in an open relationship if they can't even put the effort into having a relationship with just the one person.

 

I'm not sure and open relationship as a model is suitable for me but the more I think about it the more it is making sense. I do not like the idea of having a monopoly over my partner's feelings and affections simply because I saw them first. In a monogamous relationship it is supposed to be meaningful to sacrifice these things and be with one person, but I see it as kind of insulting to their rightful autonomy as a person. I also don't like the idea that someone is not worthy of any of my love because they don't fulfill me in every possible way.

[Batya33]

They're also not in it for endless sex. Really I don't believe anyone has much hope in an open relationship if they can't even put the effort into having a relationship with just the one person.

 

I'm not sure and open relationship as a model is suitable for me but the more I think about it the more it is making sense. I do not like the idea of having a monopoly over my partner's feelings and affections simply because I saw them first. In a monogamous relationship it is supposed to be meaningful to sacrifice these things and be with one person, but I see it as kind of insulting to their rightful autonomy as a person. I also don't like the idea that someone is not worthy of any of my love because they don't fulfill me in every possible way.

 

I don't have a monopoly over my husband's feelings and affections - or he over me, we just choose to only have sex with each other. We each love and are loved by other people outside the marriage, but we reserve romantic relationships only for each other. It's not simply because we saw each other frst - it wasn't a race or a competition - out of everyone we knew or could know we chose to be together. The benefits far outweigh any disadvantages for us -- although I understand that monogamy - and marriage - are not for everyone.

 

I think many people are worthy of my love -- and I give and receive love with other people other than my husband - for one thing, my marriage would be in jeopardy if he was the only one I had loving or caring feelings for because I think it's essential to have close relationships outside of one's marriage.

[Rangafro]

I understand these attitudes. I'm really still just trying to sort out my feelings here. What is it about romantic relationships and not other relationships that you reserve for just one person though?

[Unknown1607307972]

If two people genuinely both want it and are both open and honest then fine.

 

I however find the stance a bit sexist when the idea of "one woman alone can't please a man in the long term". Why should we be made secondary and have to give our love to someone who only gives a portion of his back? It's not fair, I want to be with someone who gives me all his love as I do in return (obviously you love your family and friends too but you know what I mean). I don't mean in a controlling way, if someone wants a life where they can sleep with multiple people then I just simply am not the right girl for them.

 

Also I have seen men who are perfectly happy in their relationships with just one girl, three years and longer. Not all men are lust driven pigs and it's unfair to make the claim.

[blitzkrieged]

"all men are basically pigs who can't control themselves sexually, who are hedonistic and whose sexual urges/biology destine them to either chasing after many women or being unhappy/suffering when with one woman for a longer time."

 

Well it seems to be mostly women who are telling me I'm generalizing..^ what you said actually describes alot of people lol. but if you ask a guy, their urges do seem difficult to control... they will all, or at least the many I have talked to will say, "we can't help it, we're wired to mate with many many women blah blah blah"

 

Thing is I'm not trying to put down the opposite sex, Im trying to understand them and that means every part of them. because I do want to be in love with/be loved by one person for the rest of my life, but I would imagine that means keeping them happy in every way I can, and they do the same for me. Sex is a big part of a mans whole existence.

 

Im thinking open in the terms of sexual only.. I have a high sex drive and I could see it as purely physical. Assuming I have the same rights and we're totally open with each other, & sometimes share in the love lol.

[Rangafro]

Well it seems to be mostly women who are telling me I'm generalizing..^ what you said actually describes alot of people lol. but if you ask a guy, their urges do seem difficult to control... they will all, or at least the many I have talked to will say, "we can't help it, we're wired to mate with many many women blah blah blah"

 

I would have told you that you were generalizing but honestly I felt like I would be wasting my energy.

 

Perhaps this would be enlightening for you.

 

GUYS: Can you control your 'urges'?

[blitzkrieged]

If two people genuinely both want it and are both open and honest then fine.

 

I however find the stance a bit sexist when the idea of "one woman alone can't please a man in the long term". Why should we be made secondary and have to give our love to someone who only gives a portion of his back? It's not fair, I want to be with someone who gives me all his love as I do in return (obviously you love your family and friends too but you know what I mean). I don't mean in a controlling way, if someone wants a life where they can sleep with multiple people then I just simply am not the right girl for them.

 

Its not just guys.. There are alot of instances where married women aren't satisfied with the romantic/sexual situation.. Not because the husband doesn't love them but they are in a different mode from courtship where all they do is tell you you're beautiful, hot, sexy... They're now trying to hold a family together... I don't know, it gets complicated and humans just need so much sometimes I wonder If they can get all that from one person?

[BellaDonna]

but if you ask a guy, their urges do seem difficult to control... they will all, or at least the many I have talked to will say, "we can't help it, we're wired to mate with many many women blah blah blah"

 

 

Oh dear, where are you getting the sample of men who are answering like that? Either they are stuck in the Neanderthal stage of evolution or just plain good at BSing people. I wouldn't take that answer so easily.

 

Do they have no self control? It's one thing to maturely decide they want open relationships, but another to claim a passive role in behavior overall and act as if monogamy is not a choice because biological forces dictate all for them.

 

I would also be cautious of anyone who uses "we" as if this is common to ALL men.

 

 

we can't help it, we're wired to mate with many many women blah blah blah

 

Essentially, the main flaw with that statement is the bolded portion.

 

If you would welcome an open relationship that is your choice- but don't lower your personal standards or fall into the evolution trap if monogamy is what you ultimately seek.

[Unknown1607307972]

But I couldn't live with that, I have a lot of issues with inferiority and would hate thinking maybe other women are giving him better sexual experiences or he enjoys his sex life with them more. Maybe they look better? Maybe he wishes I looked like them? Maybe he could start developing feelings for one of them?

 

Well, my relationship is long distance so my boyfriend could cheat very easily with no strings attatched. Despite this, he's very against cheating and has remained very loyal to me. He chooses to spend a load of his free time just talking with me, I have never pressured him to. He's made his own choice to be with just me, and he seems really happy from what he says and what his friends/family have said.

 

 

 

This too.