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How do I approach this?


Daligal83

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I have a dating thread in the journal section where I've been talking about this guy, JV. We met at the bar about 2 1/2 weeks ago and have been talking basically daily since then. He lives about an hour and a half away in the city that I grew up in and has a 14 year old daughter. He came back into town the weekend after and we spent most of the weekend together, even at night. He didn't try to kiss me, but we were cuddling and being affectionate. This past weekend he was kind of flakey with his contact and a little bit this week too, but in talking tonight he said that he's kind of known for doing that so at least I know it isn't personal even though it's not a quality I really want in a guy. If we did get more serious, it's something I would have to address.

 

But here is the issue and I wanted opinions on how to approach it, because I definitely have to address this. We were talking tonight and I asked if he found his zoo membership card because he was talking about going to the zoo together. He said he hasn't even had time to look for it because he's starting up a new business and that he actually doesn't know when he'll be back in my area. He said that the guys that he visits here (which is why I met him in the first place, he visits them on weekends he doesn't have his daughter) have been asking and he said he can't do it with all the work that he has to do to get the business going so he can have steady income again.

 

So of course I'm disappointed at this and I mentioned that my sister is going to his city for the weekend, but I didn't know if I should go but that I'd definitely be there the weekend of April 10th, so I asked if he'd be around. His response was that he has no idea, he doesn't really plan ahead.

 

Well that obviously doesn't work with me. I'm not going to waste my time talking to him everyday on the phone if it's not going anywhere. But he acts like he's dating with the phone stuff because he keeps explaining what he's doing when he can't talk to me and we spends HOURS on the phone.

 

So how do I address this? It's been such a short amount of time and part of me thinks it's way to early for the "what is this" speech, but I don't want to waste my time either. I've been through this situation already and I'm not doing it again.

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I don't want to be too harsh... but I believe this exact example is given in the marvelous book He's Just Not That Into You. Thing is, he's giving you about half of his attention and half of what you need. That half may be nice.... but you have to decide- is 50% enough for you?

 

You seem to be the type of person that's willing to give her all in a relationship so I can't help but think you deserve more out of your partner.

 

If you decide you're willing to settle, I'm not sure that bringing it up will change anything. If you decide you do want more... you can just simply state that you're looking for more out of a relationship.

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I'm not willing to settle, that's for sure. I wanted to bring it up to see if there is a compatibility issue or not. My plan is to say something like "I've been thinking about how you said it will be awhile before you can come back here. I really like talking to you and I don't know how you're seeing the whole situation, but I'm trying to get to know you better because I like you and I want to see if there's potential for more. For me though, that means seeing the person and I know you're really busy, which is fine, but if we're going to keep talking so frequently I have to have some understanding of what's happening here."

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I'm not willing to settle, that's for sure. I wanted to bring it up to see if there is a compatibility issue or not. My plan is to say something like "I've been thinking about how you said it will be awhile before you can come back here. I really like talking to you and I don't know how you're seeing the whole situation, but I'm trying to get to know you better because I like you and I want to see if there's potential for more. For me though, that means seeing the person and I know you're really busy, which is fine, but if we're going to keep talking so frequently I have to have some understanding of what's happening here."

 

To me, that sounds really good. Oh well if it's awkward or pressure or whatever - you need to know where you stand before you spend hours and hours talking on the phone with someone who just wants a buddy.

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You know, I understand wanting to give "ultimatums", because I do need the closure to move on too, but, in my experience, it's not always the best thing to do if you REALLY like the guy.

 

Maybe he does like you as more, but your inquiry will freak him out. But at the same time if you are not willing to continue this, just stop being less available to him.

 

Show him with actions that you are not interested in a stricly phone conversation.

 

By the sound of things, it really does sound like he's just not that into you, but maybe if you show your boundaries without TELLING him what you want, he might realize he want to give things a shot.

 

If you don't really care about this guy and just want him to stop calling you, then by all means tell him you are looking for a relationship and not just a talking, like you want to

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Watch what he does - the feet - not what he says - the lips - the phone calls are nice, flattering, but show little effort on his part. When it comes down to it, whether it's how he is with other people or not, he is not willing to put in the effort to make plans to take you out on dates, so I don't see how this can even get off the ground.

 

Add that to his responsibilities towards his daughter and his business and without careful advance planning with you, I don't see how you're going to get to see him even once a month, let alone the once a week it typically takes to get to know someone through early dating. I think his excuses "that's just the way I am" and "I don't plan in advance" are lame - you're a special lady and you deserve to be treated that way. If he can't plan in advance to have dinner with you how in the world will you plan vacations, familiy events, other functions, um, your wedding? Do you really want to live that way and be treated like an afterthought at best (please answer "no").

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I always agree with Batya when she's not talking about MY situation. lol

 

So much easier to judge everyone else's life. Listen to her Dalila, she's right 99,9% of the time.

 

That's actually exactly what F have been doing with me lately. After his "bad" bahaviour at the party he waited 1 week for me to cool off and has been texting/calling me everyday since the end of last week.

 

Guys are so random.

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I always agree with Batya when she's not talking about MY situation. lol

 

So much easier to judge everyone else's life. Listen to her Dalila, she's right 99,9% of the time.

 

That's actually exactly what F have been doing with me lately. After his "bad" bahaviour at the party he waited 1 week for me to cool off and has been texting/calling me everyday since the end of last week.

 

Guys are so random.

 

I don't think guys are random. I think people who don't want to put in the effort to get to know someone but are unwlling to pull the plug for whatever reason (maybe they're flattered by the attention, want the person around for back-up plans or in case they change their mind in the future) will behave as Daigal described. Sure, there are people who never make plans in advance, who frequently cancel plans or are otherwise unreliable - so it's nothing personal - but those same people always have the choice to change if it's worth it to them to change,no matter how old they are. Most people do make plans in advance when they care - for example in Daligal's situation I'm sure that he makes plans when it comes to his daughter or his business - he has to, otherwise he probably wouldn't have primary custody of his daughter or much of a business. He knows how, he just chooses not to.

 

Nothing to do with gender (even though men typically do most of the asking out, women can be unreliable by canceling without a reasonable excuse, not showing up or showing up late all the time, refusing to make advance plans, etc.).

 

There's no one size fits all but in all my serious relationships the guys who were all extremely busy professionals with unpredictable lives, and lots of family/friends related responsibilities, all made sure to make plans in advance with me because they wanted to and also to make sure I wouldn't be snapped up by some other guy if they didn't have a date planned with me. I remember my husband, when we decided to start dating again asked me then and there to go out with him two weeks from that day whch was the next time he would be in town. That was typical behavior of every guy I dated who was interested in me.

 

Typical of the ones who weren't were the various lame excuses for why they couldn't (um, didn't want to) make advance plans, unwllingness to make a set plan as opposed to tentative, calling at the last minute, canceling because it was raining, they were tired from a bg night out the night before, etc.

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I'm not willing to settle, that's for sure. I wanted to bring it up to see if there is a compatibility issue or not. My plan is to say something like "I've been thinking about how you said it will be awhile before you can come back here. I really like talking to you and I don't know how you're seeing the whole situation, but I'm trying to get to know you better because I like you and I want to see if there's potential for more. For me though, that means seeing the person and I know you're really busy, which is fine, but if we're going to keep talking so frequently I have to have some understanding of what's happening here."

 

I think that sounds too serious and vague ("happening here"). I would say "thanks for letting me know that you don't like making advance plans and that you don't know what your plans will be when I'm in town next. What works best for me is if you call me when you're able to make a specific plan to get together, and if I'm available we'll get together. I don't really have time for a "phone buddy' these days even though I really enjoy talking with you so hopefully we can catch up when you get in touch with me next about getting together.

 

That way, as an adult - a father and businessman to boot! - he'll make up his mind without being "taught" by you and without the serious "what are your intentions talk" as to whether it's worth it to him to step up to the plate and ask you out for a specific time/place date in advance in order to have the privilege of talking with you.

 

What I would say if it were me (not you) is a little different "I think we're on different wavelengths about making plans to get together - I do make plans in advance and I'm too busy for a phone buddy right now so it sounds like it's going to be very difficult for us to get together. If you decide that you are into making advance plans by all means get in touch and if my dance card isn't full then hopefully we'll get together".

 

(that is, I would be less compromising because between his unreliability right after you met and this lame "I'm spontaneous, I don't make plans in advance" I would know he would not be the one I would want to call to say "um, honey the contractions are 5 minutes apart" or similar).

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You guys make very good points. I've been thinking about it all day and have decided not to have the talk even before I read your responses. It's obvious that we have different priorities, so I just don't see the point in the conversation. I do enjoy talking to him, so I'm not going to cut him off or anything. But my expectations of the situation have completely changed. As in there are none. He'll be a fun person to hang out with if he comes to town, but I won't be expecting it.

 

My best friend was talking to her boyfriend about it and he was saying that it seems like he's definitely interested in me, otherwise he wouldn't be spending this kind of time on the phone with me. He said that some guys just work differently and don't know what they want right away, so they don't commit to anything while they figure it out. And putting them on the spot makes them choose to stop things over anything.

 

So even if that is the situation, I'm not willing to just wait around while he figures it out. I'm just going to do my own thing, hopefully meet other people, and if by chance he does decide at some point that he wants to be more consistent, then I'll handle it at that point.

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You guys make very good points. I've been thinking about it all day and have decided not to have the talk even before I read your responses. It's obvious that we have different priorities, so I just don't see the point in the conversation. I do enjoy talking to him, so I'm not going to cut him off or anything. But my expectations of the situation have completely changed. As in there are none. He'll be a fun person to hang out with if he comes to town, but I won't be expecting it.

 

That sounds like a good idea. I agree that he sounds interested in you, because otherwise I can't imagine why he would spend so much time talking to you. But he doesn't sound very committed (for whatever reason), so you shouldn't let yourself get too invested.

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I think he is interested in having a phone friend who gives him an ego boost, I think he enjoys flirting with you, and I think he wants to hang out with you on his terms - meaning, last minute and probably less than once a month. Nothing personal at all - my guess is that between his business and his daughter, dating someone regularly who lives far away is not realistic, but he wants to keep the option open.

 

I don't think expecting someone to act reliably and ask you out on dates he plans in advance requires any kind of commitment. Sure, people have different styles but I think it's a given that a man who wants a relationship with you -- or at least wants the opportunity to explore the potential - will put in the (minor) effort to call when he says he will and make plans in advance to take you out on a date, especially if you are for all practical purposes asking him out (your sharing with him that you would be in his town, etc).

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Another point I thought of...just talking with no expectations will give me a chance to see if he can live up to his talk or not regarding the business and moving out of his mother's place. Again I have no expectations of this going anywhere, but just in that small small chance that something happened down the line, I'd have a better idea of his character and it doesn't require me wasting my time right now on someone who may be a flake.

 

I think I'm in a good place with it all. I'm not expecting to hear from him tonight and I'm OK with it. I've booked up my weekend with plans. Going out with a girlfriend Friday night to the bars. Hopefully getting my hair cut Saturday afternoon, maybe some local shopping if the weather cooperates with another girlfriend and then that girlfriend and I are heading out that night, possibly to the bars again. Sunday I'm having coffee with a friend from the gym.

 

It's a really good thing that I have such a happy life outside of dating. I'd be feeling pretty awful if I hadn't built up this fun, friend-filled life Man that was cheesy haha

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P.S. He's being weird...we're both on facebook right now and usually he would send me a message, but nothing. It's ridiculous. I think this guy is definitely all talk.

 

I am also glad you have a fun life outside of dating! He does sound like a flake.

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