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I'm cutting out my heart so it can grow...


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Is this possible? I used to be sure that it was. Now, I'm not so sure.

 

For those of you who don't know my story, the very very brief version is that I broke up with my girlfriend after 6 years together, mostly long distance which put a ton of strain on us. We got together when we were young, I always had small but persistent doubts about whether I really wanted to marry GF (before at least experiencing some other women). We were also somewhat different in personality and interests -- at the time this seemed like a problem but now I fully realize the wonderful benefit of having a ying and yang in a relationship.

 

For the whole story you can read this, if you're interested:

 

8 months later with virtually *NO* contact, I'm having trouble accepting that I am helping my heart to grow by cutting it out of my body.

 

So like I said, is this even possible? Can I really help my heart to grow by cutting it out (i.e. ambivalently and nonchalantly throwing out my immense love for my ex-girlfriend)? I feel so sad. It's especially at night that it's the worst. But sometimes the days are also horrible (I work alone from home 1/2 the time). I'm lying in bed right now and just can't seem to bring myself to go to sleep. I'm considering downing a 4 fingers of whiskey. Bad idea? I need to get to sleep, but I feel so down right now. I just really really really miss my girlfriend.

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Okay buddy, was reading your story recently, can't remember why. Anyways, you are saying you are in a bad place because you miss her yet you have so many reservations (need for exploring/dating other people ect as far as some of your posts go). You can't have it both ways, make a decision and follow through with it. Listen, being dramatic won't do you any good. "Cutting heart out will make it grow", listen to yourself. Sorry for being a bit brutal in my post, take care bud, Riggy. Oh yeah don't drink , will screw up your day tomorrow

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It's not a harsh thing to say. I appreciate the comment rigguy.

 

And you're right, I can't have it both ways. But I really did write this line in my diary before I had broken up with my girlfriend. I had thought about it a lot of times and really believed it was true. "I'm cutting out my heart so it can grow..." I even drew this cool picture in my journal of a broken heart growing/emerging from a tree. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic about things, but I'm hurting inside and have a TON of trouble settling my thoughts on one side of the coin, or the other.

 

Like I said, you're right. I can't have it both ways. Either I really miss her or I really want to explore other women. I might want to do both. But ultimately I need to decide which I want more now. To be honest, I seem to switch back and forth every so often (I think mostly in response to my most recent experiences in the present). Right now, I'm heavily leaning towards just missing her. Nothing else.

 

I miss her.

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Sounds like you have grass is always greener syndrome.

 

Let your gf move on/heal if she hasnt already. I know its hard for you, but if you have these desires planted in your head of experiencing other women, they will never go away, in fact those are the thoughts that will grow over time and you may end up resenting your gf even more.

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Sounds like you have grass is always greener syndrome.

 

Let your gf move on/heal if she hasnt already.

 

Thanks for your insight Lifes4Living....It's only today that I even found out what GIGS stood for (I had done a search on google a couple days ago but couldn't figure it out). I think you're right. Or at least, it's certainly part of the reason why we split up in the first place.

 

Without talking to GF I can't really know, but my strong inclination is that she has moved on and healed in the same way I have....that is to say that she has healed and moved on but still loves me and (at least on some very real level) fantansizes about the day I'll finally call her and we reconcile. Our love was SO strong and I know that if my love hasn't faded yet it is a TREMENDOUS indicator that her love hasn't faded all the way yet either.

 

I know its hard for you, but if you have these desires planted in your head of experiencing other women, they will never go away, in fact those are the thoughts that will grow over time and you may end up resenting your gf even more.

 

It is hard for me. But what your talking about is what happened when we broke up last time, I have a strong strong inclination that if I DID actually make the decision to *try* and reconcile (and it somehow miraculously worked), I don't think I would have nearly any of these feelings. I don't think that I would resent her more and more over time. I already made that mistake once. If I'm lucky/strong enough to get the courage to call her and reconcile, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

 

She was my everything, and I cut her out of my heart so it could 'grow'. Now, IDK if that's even possible. I'm still fantasizing about how great our life could be together right now.

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