I'm needy, clingy and insecure

[katzzz1]

ugh! I'm clingy needy and insecure when it comes to relationships and I don't know how to break the cycle.

 

When I'm single I am perfectly happy with my life. I have a good job, in grad school, have great friends, own my home, etc. But when I get into a relationship it all goes to pieces.

 

My last boyfriend was the same as me and we got along great, problem is that we had to talk and see each other everyday. After eight months we just got burned out. After that I took a long time to just reflect on things. I was single for two years. I felt like I had figured it all out and so went back to the dating game. well, I think i did it again. I started a new relationship and like in the past moved way to quickly, then got insecure about his feeling towards me because I was smothering him and I knew he didn't want that.

 

So my question is how do I break that cycle? One way is to just be single again, but I really want a relationship and I need to get out and date to find that. One of the things I was thinking of doing is just dating as many men as I can possibly have time for, that way I won't get too attached to any particular one and if I get rejected by one then there are others to fall back on. Is that healthy??

 

I already have a profile on match.

Does anyone have any advice for me to get over my needy insecurities?

BTW i'm 27 and yes, I little immature when it comes to dating as well.

 

thanks

[Day_Walker]

I think that if you want to fight your insecurities then you will have to struggle with them everyday when youre in a relationship in order to keep them at bay. I dont think that dating a ton of people is going to help you. Instead your struggle is internal if you are going to break the cycle of insecurity, neediness and being clingy.

[OrangeMoon]

haha..thank you for this post.. I have and am struggling with the same thing. I am not clingy..but still have a form of neediness and insecurity that comes with it..when i am dating someone i really like. I don't show it to my date though...its my friends who suffer the consequences LOL

 

I have come to believe that its a part of my personality. That for some reason I have had some hole inside of me while growing up..and no one will ever fill that up. So I have come to accept that due to my own neediness and insecurity i need a litle more attention then maybe some other woman would need. But i will also have to accept that i need to develop my distancing-skills as well..if i want to be able to create some balance and space between me and my love-interest. Its hard..but like with any 'handicap' or ' emotionally challenged'- aspect of your personality you will have to find a way to deal with them..and face that its mostly you and partly the person you pick to love you.

 

When you are an emotional being...dating several men at a time. Is going to help a bit evening out the feelings..However...the fact that you can never really ' get into' someone..might also cause an effect where you will feel less enthousiasm to get to know someone.... In the end it will not really feel right. But you can try it and figure it out yourself. Just be honest with your dates.

 

 

My own challenge in this..is to come forward..and be honest about my personality when i meet someone..and to ask for what it is i need...next to letting a guy show what their personal rythm is when it comes to enaging in contact with me. If he is someone who wants to talk to me or email me..only once a week. he is not the one for me.

 

Everyday contact is not necessary anymore..but a good amount in the mean time(at least 3 times a week) makes me feel safe and secure. I would want someone in my life who is considerate of that and desires and wants to hear from me..without it feeling like we are smothering the whole contact between us.

 

So its about finding more of a balance, accepting who you are and being honest about your needs and also about training yourself to distance yourself more..even when you don't want to. And finding that guy who would love to be in contact with you, without it being a big deal or being scaled.

[newwave]

The current guy I like kind of implied this to me. I never really thought I was, but in a way I guess I was. That's why I backed off and let him make the next moves.

[Mauxly]

I can relate. Fear of abandonment thing I suspect. If we’ve had one or more person in our lives who declared undying love just prior to majorly sabotaging the relationship, or dropping off the face of the earth, it is very difficult to trust future relationships.

 

This will take some work, I think that finding someone I can be open and honest with who will gently help me overcome this would be great. They’d have to be understanding, but couldn’t compromise their space just because I was feeling insecure. If they compromise too much they will be miserable.

 

A conversation straight out of my dream relationship -

 

Me: "I'm feeling a little eaked that we haven't seen each other for a few days. Is there something we need to talk about?"

Him: "My feelings for you haven't changed at all, I love you! I just have some other things I need to attend to."

Me: "Right on! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help"

 

**Of course, I’d have to be able to trust him on that one.

 

OR

Me: "I'm feeling a little eaked that we haven't seen each other for a few days. Is there something we need to talk about?"

Him: “I’m having a hard time in the relationship, something is off. I need some time to think.”

Me: “Oh crap, crap, crap!!!OK…go think”

 

The second scenario would not be fun. But at least knowing that he’d be honest with me would prevent me from unduly flipping out on the first scenario and making it in my head something it isn’t.

 

A few of those interactions and I think I'd be good to go.

 

I just need to find an open and honest man who is comfortable sharing their feelings and

who don't do the disappearing act or sabotage when they start to question their feelings. Too much to ask?

[OrangeMoon]

I just need to find an open and honest man who is comfortable sharing their feelings and

who don't do the disappearing act or sabotage when they start to question their feelings. Too much to ask?

 

OMG...lol sometimes believe that this is very difficult yes...or when he comes along he's mos often not in the package you were looking for..

 

very difficult indeed..

 

But i do have to say this..if i would come accross a guy who would question their feelings about me..and needs time to distance instead of engaging in some form of communication with me..i would run. Because to me that kind of behaviour is very unsettling and makes me feel very insecure....I even think that that is cruel too..

 

But having a bad day and needing some space before engaging into contact with me again..is something i can handle and accept..provided he tells me when he will resurface again...It doesn't feel good mind you...but i will distance myself..so he can have the space he needs to recover from whatever is bothering him..

[katzzz1]

trxy-I like your ending quote, I'm going to remember that one.

 

Thanks for your input, i'm glad I'm not the only one with these types of feelings. And I agree I do need someone who calls/texts more often in the week. That is really good enough for me, it's not like a HAVE to see them everyday, but just a reminder that they think about me. What sucks tho are the guys who are like that at first and then a month goes by and then they suddenly stop. Next time that happens with a guy I'll get on ENA asap to prevent myself from getting into the needy mode. I'm going to do the the online dating thing for a while now and try to meet a lot of different guys. I think I just need experience dating different types of guys to figure out what fits me better. My past with guys is that I have known them as friends first without any feelings involved and then jumped into a fast relationship with them. It always felt so natural because we had known each other for a while already. recently I have been more proactive about putting myself out there and am finding a hard time dating someone I don't already know.

i feel less insecure at the moment...hopefully that will continue because plan number 1=get a date this weekend

[jettison]

Most people entertain this problem in their heads, especially if they are one-downs. Sometimes, it's much more about learning to manage those clingy feelings effectively then it is vilifing yourself from having them.

 

Quit repressing. Quit burying them. Understand that you're normal, that it's ok to have these feelings, that they don't make you inadequate. Be brave enough to recognize the fear for what it is... simply fear. It is not you. It does not define you.

 

Take out a journal and start writing down all of your feelings. This will let you step back from them and look at them subjectively. Then, much later on, revisit them and you'll be able to see that they are just feelings. They aren't rules. They aren't definitions. They aren't reality. They are just this little ego-man in your head that tells you all of these crazy things... like a test.

 

Eventually, with enough of these exercises, you learn to ignore that crazy little bastard and all that he is telling you, and you don't even have to judge him. Just don't repress, recognize the feelings, ride them out, and then you'll be ok.

[hexaemeron]

I agree with all this. Thanks for saving me the keystrokes, WestBay!

[Mauxly]

But i do have to say this..if i would come accross a guy who would question their feelings about me..and needs time to distance instead of engaging in some form of communication with me..i would run. Because to me that kind of behaviour is very unsettling and makes me feel very insecure....I even think that that is cruel too..

 

But having a bad day and needing some space before engaging into contact with me again..is something i can handle and accept..provided he tells me when he will resurface again...It doesn't feel good mind you...but i will distance myself..so he can have the space he needs to recover from whatever is bothering him..

 

 

Agreed! Wholeheartedly.

 

Looking back on my past experiences, when men start questioning their feelings for me, it’s all over but the cryin’. They don’t fully bounce back from it. And it is mean to string someone along if you aren’t ‘feelin’ it.

 

So you are right. Giving someone space to work out stuff is one thing, giving someone space to figure out if they even want to be with you just isn’t right. In my best relationships they never questioned. In my drama relationships, they questioned, I gave the space (all the while dying inside), they decided I was a ‘keeper’, only to go through another cycle of questioning a few months later. This sort of behavior is so devaluing that it will make any woman a lunatic. It makes her ever more insecure, feeling somehow ‘unworthy’ of him or anyone else: “If this man who just claimed to have loved me, doesn’t know if he loves me anymore…who else ever will???”

 

It is wrong. Someone else will love us, truly love us.

 

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there are way too many wonderful single men out there to waste a moment of my time on anyone who doesn’t know if they want to be with me.

[Ms Darcy]

Most people entertain this problem in their heads, especially if they are one-downs. Sometimes, it's much more about learning to manage those clingy feelings effectively then it is vilifing yourself from having them.

 

Quit repressing. Quit burying them. Understand that you're normal, that it's ok to have these feelings, that they don't make you inadequate. Be brave enough to recognize the fear for what it is... simply fear. It is not you. It does not define you.

 

Absolutely perfect. Neediness is not a personality trait. It's a feeling born out various experiences and reactions. You need to understand where you are in order to move forward.

[Ms Darcy]

Me: "I'm feeling a little eaked that we haven't seen each other for a few days. Is there something we need to talk about?"

Him: "My feelings for you haven't changed at all, I love you! I just have some other things I need to attend to."

Me: "Right on! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help"

 

I just need to find an open and honest man who is comfortable sharing their feelings and

who don't do the disappearing act or sabotage when they start to question their feelings. Too much to ask?

 

Aw Trxy

 

When I read your ideal conversation, one thing jumped out at me. How would I like to hear that same idea:

 

A: It miss you and love hanging out with you. Do you have some time soon or are you really busy?

B: Oh, I'll be busy til next week. But we'll hang out then.

C: Awesome. I just wanted to let you know I do care. Let me know if I can help at all.

D: Thank you! I care too. Sorry, just been overwhelmed.

 

One day my bf wrote me an email about his feelings. He wanted me to read it in front of him so we could discuss it. I read it and sat down next to him. He said, "did you read it?" I said yeah. He said, "How could you read it that fast? I can process emotional things that quickly."

 

There are open, honest guys out there. But men aren't women. They often don't have the same capacity for emotional language or communication. It doesn't mean they can't. I just means they are different.

 

But I tend to think that's a perfect yin yang type of deal. I don't think it's good at all to say "hey, I'm just a little needier." I tried that for a while ... it didn't really work.

[Mauxly]

Wow! I googled my user name just to see what would come up. This came up. And I can't believe I wrote it exactly one year ago. I'm now in a relationship where I don't feel insecure or needy. I have my moments, but they are extremely rare and fleeting. I'm with a man who I actually have those dream conversations with that I mentioned in this post. And yes, I absolutely trust him.

 

I never would have thunk it, but I've realised that at least for me, half of the equation is finding the right person. The other half is knowing that even if the relationship ends, I won't die, it will suck, but I can weather the pain and come out of the relationship as whole and as strong as I went in.

 

A year of therapy...totally worth it!

[Ms Darcy]

Isn't therapy wonderful?