Confused Feelings

[jgs]

Hello - new here, and looking to share some feelings and hear feedback.

 

Where to start - hopefully it's not too confusing! I recently proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. We had been speaking about marriage seriously for about a year - she was ready (she's a few years older than I am), but I still needed time to sort some things out. She gave me space but kept it on the table. I must say it took me quite awhile to work through my feelings on the engagement - I always thought it would be this big easy magical feeling, but it was a lot of emotional work. It felt right though - I remember leaving the jewelery after picking out the ring and feeling so good about our relationship and the choice I was making. I'm the first of my group of friends to get engaged, so I didn't have many people to talk to about my feelings - I mostly shared them with my fiance (thankfully we have excellent communication).

 

Well, now I'm engaged and my mind is all over the place. My fiance is great person - caring, very affectionate, trustworthy, and responsible. We have an unbelievable level of trust, and we're both able to talk to each other about anything. Our sex life is great, and we've definitely still got the spark. Our alone intimate time is something I still look forward to.

 

There are a few problems my emotions are faced with now. First is a "grass-is-greener" type syndrome. I find sometimes when I'm out with friends now, I notice other woman more often than I did before and find myself doing the "what if" in my head. I'd never act on any of it - it's not that type of feeling - but its there.

 

I also find myself picking out flaws and focusing on them. For instance, she put on some weight over the past year or so, which never really bothered me (or at least I didn't think it did), but now it's an issue for me. I've brought it up and she's working on getting back in shape, but I still dwell on it.

 

I don't know if it's just a cold-feet type feeling with the engagement being so new, or growing pains as I move on with my life. I'm happy to be moving on with her, but find my emotions a bit all over the place and it does affect the relationship.

 

If anyone's gone through mixed emotions after an engagement, it would be great to hear how you worked through them and what you were feeling.

 

Thanks for reading.

[top bloke]

Maybe you are just taking what you have for granted. You have a great girl. communication..great love life and yet you think what if ?

I think you are at crossroads in your mind. What if you never find a girl like yours ever again? What if you could never see her again due to your thoughts? If putting on a bit of weight is an issue then maybe you are not ready enough to appreciate what you have?

I feel you have to be honest with yourself..can you spend the rest of your life with her?

[jgs]

I think I am taking it for granted. I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with her - she has the important qualities I want in a wife. My previous relationship taught me what I did and didn't want in a relationship, and she more or less completely fits the bill. She's not perfect obviously, but I'm not looking for perfection - I'd be looking forever.

 

I feel like I'm being rather superficial about things, but can't figure out why. I've also always been someone who worries about the opinions of others, so I'm constantly wondering what other people think of me and my relationship - which is a problem I need to work on.

[top bloke]

I think I am taking it for granted. I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with her - she has the important qualities I want in a wife. My previous relationship taught me what I did and didn't want in a relationship, and she more or less completely fits the bill. She's not perfect obviously, but I'm not looking for perfection - I'd be looking forever.

 

I feel like I'm being rather superficial about things, but can't figure out why. I've also always been someone who worries about the opinions of others, so I'm constantly wondering what other people think of me and my relationship - which is a problem I need to work on.

We both know that what others think of your relationship is irrelevant. Only you can make the best choices for yourself. So its a good idea to put that out of your head. If you lived your life based on others then you deny yourself a full life.

Also something doesnt sound right....she fit you with qualities but you dont sound overly enthusiastic or attracted to her enough. Just remember that you have to wake up with her everyday and not need to think about other women with what ifs. Ask yourself...sure she is great but is the chemistry and attraction right? If not then you have some decisions to make before it is far too late.

[jgs]

You're right - what other people think is irrelevant. For some reason this is something I've fought with on and off over the years relating to many different things, and something I will probably continue to fight with.

 

You're description is pretty accurate, I think. I did a lot of thinking today, and realized I really haven't taken the time to analyze my feelings about the relationship. I've been happily coasting along, so to speak. I think the engagement really brought it home. Things that I let pass by deep down actually do mean something. As shallow as it sounds, her gaining some weight does bother me a little - I still find her attractive and sexually appealing (I still look forward to our intimate time together, and plan for it), but would like it if she did more to exercise. I was honest about it, and she's joining the gym and wants to get in shape. We've also both become homebody's somewhat - we go out on the weekends, but our activities are becoming a bit of a routine and are somewhat dull (dinner and a movie, again). We used to have a lot more variety, and both agreed we need to get back to that.

 

It was great being able to talk to her about everything - and that she's willing to work on the relationship together. I know I don't want to lose her - the thought of being without her definitely doesn't make me happy. I went four years without these feelings (and I have so many great memories); I think we've hit a rough patch and both need to spend time improving things.

 

I definitely don't plan on ignoring my feelings, in fact I plan on keeping a closer eye on them than ever. That said, I want to be in this relationship and plan to work on things rather than just give up over some gained weight and some "what-if's". We've planned a long engagement, and aren't in a rush.