why do dumpers turn so cold?

[jenny2001]

I just don't understand how the person who claimed to love you and treated you with the upmost respect can turn so cold so suddenly. Who is this person? Granted I may be a little emotional but my ex wants absolutely nothing to do with me just days after he told me he missed me and thought about me all the time. Why do they do that? Immaturity? Can they not face their own decisions? All I know is it hurts terribly. Is talking it out really that difficult?

[learning2relax]

Boy do I understand your question! It is their way of disconnecting. They get cold and angry to gain distance. Sucks.

[HeartGoesOn]

Because it's easier for them to put up a hostile front, in order to justify their decision.

[Dako]

It takes will power to dump someone. Being conciliatory can break their resolve or at least send mixed signals.

[DN]

Because they want to move on and the relationship is over - and they don't want to give false hope that they may want to reconcile.

[Seraphim]

Because they want to move on and the relationship is over - and they don't want to give false hope that they may want to reconcile.

 

Very true. Why be cruel and lead the other person on and give them false hope? They also left the relationship in their mind long before the dumpee did. So while the dumpee may be new to the loss the dumper is not. They grieved the relationship and want it over.

[cazmoore]

I agree with DN. It's easier. I felt as though when I kept in contact with my ex, he still had this lingering feeling that I would come to my 'senses' and get back together with him, when in fact the relationship had long been over before we even broke up, on my end. Even when me and my boyfriend broke up a few times, I would remove anything of him that would remind me of him so I wouldn't have to think about us, or him and feel badly about it. It's a defense mechanism.

[mgirl]

Because they want to move on and the relationship is over - and they don't want to give false hope that they may want to reconcile.

 

This. Without a doubt.

[getbiii]

i think if they didn't care about you anymore they would keep you along with no problem, you could be their friend and it wouldn't afect them in anyway.

how ever since they still have feelings for you they do things like this to try and stay away to try and forget you, but unfortunately if you had real love i don't think anyone can forget you...

just put it like this, do you still remember your first boyfriend?

or any other boyfriend?

 

this is just what i think,

because of what i have lived, for example. i have all the love cards and gifts my ex girlfriends have given me and they don't affect me in any way....

i still even talk to them!

but my last ex who i still love and care about, i had to take everything down that reminded me of her just because it would get me upset and i would feel down.

(she dumped me, she told me she did the same, she took it up a notch and erased me from Facebook myspace etc)

[luckyman]

I tend to think they dont turn cold, they just finnaly grew the balls to do something they had been fighting themselves to do, so it all comes out so harshly. But really it is them finally not faking anything, and once they pulled the trigger, they cant let go of the gun.

 

But really does them doing it nicely make it any easier? Some would say its harder because it they feel they are getting "mixed signals"

 

A break up is a break up no matter how its done.

[CaptainNapalm]

I just don't understand how the person who claimed to love you and treated you with the upmost respect can turn so cold so suddenly. Who is this person? Granted I may be a little emotional but my ex wants absolutely nothing to do with me just days after he told me he missed me and thought about me all the time. Why do they do that? Immaturity? Can they not face their own decisions? All I know is it hurts terribly. Is talking it out really that difficult?

 

Has he perhaps told you that he wants no contact after the break up or space away from you and you refuse to give him any? This would be my best explanation why he would turn cold towards you.

[jimmajam]

Because they want to move on and the relationship is over - and they don't want to give false hope that they may want to reconcile.

 

I agree with this completely. At the time of the breakup that is what is happening. I even asked my ex when she started acting like this why she was trying so hard to get rid of me. She basically told me that she wasn't, but she didn't want to give any false hope. She never closed the book either though, lol.

[iBroken]

What DN said....its the cold hard truth

 

The dumper got the head start on leaving the relationship - they have been pondering it for a while and have finally taken action. Ive said it before and ill say it again, you cant be the good and bad guy at the same time.

[iBroken]

Double post *yawn*

[EQIQ]

Also think how weird it must be to know you spent all that time together but now you must treat each other like everyone else pretty much. That you need to put up complete new boundaries... must be hard to do this in a caring manner, easier to just put a HUGE stone wall and block everything off..

[intolerable]

As a former friend of mine said, they need to do this to support their point of breaking up with you.

 

Personally, I like this better than them being nice to you. I get confused when they are all nice and it gives way too many false hope.

[ev1782]

First post,,, WOOO,,, well ive been on both sides of the coin... about 6 weeks ago i Got dumped by my girlfriend who was my world. She was the one i was going to marry,,,

 

In her case, while the relationship was coming to an end, i know for a fact it was a hard decision for her to make... She called me the day after she broke up with me to tell me,, maybe we can still get back together, i just need to observe and pray about it cause she knows how much i loved her and how great i treated her. Well in the week after that convo,, i basically displayed neediness and she tells me later that week that now she sees her decision was the right one to make. she never told me that we could never be back together,,, even when i wrote to her telling her, "i dnt know what the future holds but i do know SPACE is the best thing for us but im willing to sit down and talk if your willing but for the time being im going to move one",, she never wrote back. I feel as to never BURN the bridge...

 

which is what i did with my other EX that I BROKE UP WITH... When i broke up with her I didnt exactly tell her we couldnt be back together but that right now i wasnt ready for the type of commitment she wanted and that i just want to be single and mingle and she was very smothering like i was in my current ex-relationship.

I was VERY cold hearted with her. Not because of anything she had done but because i did NOT want to lead her on and i also felt really Guilty for hurting someone who really loved me and was a good person. Eventually, like a year later, i wanted her back but it was too late...

 

But with all that said,,,My current ex has become one COLD HEARTED person that i never knew could have existed. We are part of the same band,, so we have to see eachother but when she's there its like,, pretty awkward at times...After 2 weeks of neediness on my behalf i have pretty much let her be so i have been in NC/LC for the last month or so. She's deleted me from facebook although she still has me tagged in her photos (which i admittedly am confused about) and she could barely say hi to me,,, she stays away from me like i have a disease which is the same thing i did to my EX,,, So i could understand where she is coming from...

 

The only reason i can think of as to why im still tagged on many photos on her page is because the breakup was recent and she doesn't want to seem like a TOTALLY COLD hearted person. Like all this is just so easy for her to do... Its her way of showing me she did value our relationship but eventually either her or me will remove the photos or just put them in to a "Friends" album or something.

 

Im taking a break from the band for a few months so i can have full NC and focus on me and begin to heal myself. Its the best thing ya can do as a dumpee. MY ex did it to me and i wanted her back,,,, Neediness and Insecurity aside (attraction killers) i was a GREAT bboyfriend and for a while we had a GREAT thing going until i lost way. She was in love so was i and she was the one pushing for marriage and she told me she loved me first. We created so many memories and i in no way yelled at her or disrespected her. I was the perfect gentlemen... bottom line like me with my EX that i dumped and wanted to get back together with,,, i see the same thing happening with her...

 

I just hope for the time being by the time she realizes what she had it wont be to late. In the meantime i have to move on and get MYSELF back! thats the attitude that all us dumpee's should take and NEVER hold how they are treating you now against them. ITS NORMAL AND NATURAL AND WE SHOULD NOT TAKE IT TO HEART... THEY CARE FOR US ENOUGH NOT TO LEAD US ON....AND THATs ACTUALLY A GOOD THING...

[mirrorman]

just put it like this, do you still remember your first boyfriend?

or any other boyfriend?

 

As a matter of fact, yes (girlfriend, that is, in this case)! Some fondly, some not so fondly, some hazily.

[jenny2001]

I agree with everything everyone has said. However I left out a small detail. We broke up 6 months ago. He was cold then but we just started up comminication within the last few weeks. Started out slow. Initiated by him of course. Slowly picked up till I'm spending the night at his house (thank god I didn't sleep with him). It was then he told me all those great things and then he turned cold again.

[BU191433]

What DN said....its the cold hard truth

 

The dumper got the head start on leaving the relationship - they have been pondering it for a while and have finally taken action. Ive said it before and ill say it again, you cant be the good and bad guy at the same time.

 

Amen. I dumped him, and I am the bad guy, nothing I can do short of taking him back will ever make me not the bad guy, at least not until he is healed and over me.

[adamt]

the reason they are cold is because the have already checked out of the relationship. probably been thinking about breaking up for while but finding it hard to do. Then they are relieved and feel a huge weight off their shoulder after and moved on.

[EQIQ]

Or you can simply convince yourself that they turn cold because they are *red asterisks*