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Wife might be carrying another man's baby?


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So my wife and I are in a weird situation. We met in early september last year and were just fooling around, neither of us were exclusive. In october we thought it might be something more and we started dating, married feb 1. Two days ago we found out she's 26.5 weeks pregnant give or take 2 weeks. So basically it could be mine or one other guys. She insists it has to be mine because she was only with him maybe 5 times after we met and we used to see each other every day and have sex a few times a day. Anytime after oct 1 its definitely mine. But I am still freaking out. There is still a chance she's carrying another mans baby, and we can't decide what to do if she is. We ordered a prenatal pat test, but that will take at least 2 weeks. And at birth it will be obvious whether the child is mine or not because he's black, and I'm not. To add to the situation my wife and I were drinking pretty much every weekend until we found out. So worst case I end up raising another mans baby, which will be obviously not mine to everyone we know, possibly with fetal alcohol syndrome. Advice? Support group maybe? I have never in my life had to work so hard just to keep it together, the wife and I are nothing short of terrified because she thinks I'm going to leave her if its not mine and nothing I can do will reassure her.

 

Sorry for giant text block, sending this from a phone.

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How did she not know up until now that she was pregnant? You got married in February...was she the one who pushed getting married? I suspect you have just been duped. I suspect she has known for a long time that this child is not yours but this guy disappeared so she got together with you and only told you once she was "securely" married. I would get the paternity test and then decide. She was hiding this pregnancy from you.

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Its her first child and she's been on depo and hasn't had a period in 3 years. The only clues were she was sick in the morijng a few times in december. She's 6 feet tall so she is barely showing even now. Trust isn't an issue for me here. She also took a home test in january because of the morning sickness, it was negative.

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If you love each other and want to stay together then treat this child as your own even if it is not. Remember always that this is not the child's fault. If you trust that she is not lying then this was really not anyone's fault.

 

One thing that you have to deal with is that if the child is the other man's - he has a right to know.

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If she took a test in Jan, it would have come out positive if she is now 26 weeks. Are you sure she was being completely honest with you when she took it? Did you see the results?

 

Yes, I saw it, the only thing I can think of is that it was some cheapass brand. We didn't take the possibility seriously because of the birth control. It was a just in case thing.

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Sorry your in this situation.

 

Your past the point of trying to figure out if she duped you or not, the baby is on its way. You just need to figure out, if this is not your child then do you want to raise it?

 

Can you picture what it would be like if the baby came out and it wasnt yours. What your reactions and feelings might be?

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I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must be very trying on you and your wife.

 

I echo everyone else's question, will you be ok with raising another man's child as your own? I understand it will be quite obvious when the child is born, due to color, but in this day and age of adoptions and multiple marriages, raising a child that is not yours biologically is not all that out of the norm. But it really depends on how YOU ALL feel about it. Also, the biological father (if it is not you) may want to be involved in the child's life, how do you feel about that?

 

There is also always adoption as an option. If it is too much for you both to bear at this moment, your situation may be a childless couple's prayers answered. Just remember there is more than one option open to you at this point.

 

I am also a little confused by the negative test in Jan. If she is that far along, the test would have been positive, no matter how cheap the brand. Dollar store tests are just as good as the expensive digital ones. It's a yes or no question. False negatives are a lot more common earlier on, but I can't see it that far along.

 

Good luck and try and keep your head clear when making this decision. There is a child in the balance now, and please consider how your choices and actions may affect the child in the future, not only how it will affect the adults involved.

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I think I would be able to raise it, but she keeps talking about putting it up for adoption, problem is I can't tell if its what she wants or if she just thinks its what I want and is afraid ill leave her if she doesn't. if I do end up raising it I would definitely not be ok with the father being in the babies life. I don't even know how the adoption thing works, id hate to put a kid in the system and set it up for failure, you hear so many horror stories...

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I truly admire your choice to be ok with potentially raising another man's child. This speaks volumes for your morals, and putting the child's needs ahead of your own. I am truly sorry that you are dealing with the indecision with your wife. But you must understand this is probably pretty earth-shattering for her too, she is carrying a life inside of her, and is faced with the stress of the unknown. Will her husband end up leaving her if the child ends up not being his? From a female perspective, this is tremendously frightening. She is probably bouncing back and forth between solutions and really not knowing which to choose. The fear of losing her husband, the fear of putting your child up for adoption, basically the fear of making the WRONG decision. I really would suggest some outside help no matter what you decide. You both are going to need some unbiased support, regardless if the child ends up being yours (the stress on your relationship for being in this position), if the child ends up being another man's (the potential for future resentment issues), or if you choose the adoption route (this is emotionally one of the hardest things a person can do, my sister had to go through it at 17, I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy).

 

As far as the other man being involved in the child's life (if he is the father), I honestly don't think you can stop this. Correct me if I'm wrong fellow ENAers. I believe he would have to sign off on releasing his parental rights to the child, legally. But I'm honestly not 100% sure of this. So, if the child does end up being his and you choose to raise him/her, you must be ok with the potential future involvement of this other man, if he chooses to be involved.

 

Regarding the adoption process, I do think that things would be set with the adoptive family relatively quickly. The horror stories of children being "stuck in the system" generally apply to older children, as sad as that is. Most adopting families are looking for babies or newborns, and they have waiting lists of pre-screened parents. I remember when my sis had her baby, we all got to meet him when he was first born, then the adoptive parents took custody of him less than an hour after he was born.

 

I feel the only thing you can do at this point is tell your wife how you truly feel, reassure her that you will be there for her no matter what she chooses, and suppport her in whatever path she takes. You may want to consider some counceling if you are having difficulty seeing eye to eye or coming to a decision. An impartial third party may allow you both to see things clearer, it is very difficult to deal with a situation like this, emotions are high and that can cloud your ability to see the "big picture".

 

I wish you the best of luck and please keep us posted.

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Wow, what a no-win. I'm sorry for all involved. I'm sorry your marriage is getting put to the test so soon, and so intensely.

 

But I do have to say, please be careful with respect to the adoption decision. Regardless of the fact that it may be another man's child, it is still HER baby. If she gives up her own child to save her marriage, it just may destroy it. Do you really want the burden of that choice on your shoulders? That she made that sacrifice for YOU? I just think a day would come that she would greatly resent it...and you would be under constant pressure to ensure the sacrifice was 'worth it' (which honestly, I can't imagine)

 

I have to ask, to what lengths would you go to ensure your parentage? If the child is white, it could be because the mother is white. So are you going to want a DNA test regardless? If you are ok with raising another mans child, then skin colour shouldn't matter.

 

As for the bio-dad, that's out of your hands. He may run for the hills (making it a non-issue), he may offer financial support (which can only improve the opportunities for the child), and/or he may want to be involved. Would that really be so bad? You would still be the man 'fathering' the child, providing a home, guidance and support. He would add his own influence to be sure, but there are a lot of divorced people out there whose children have more adults in their daily lives than just mom & dad. Is he a good guy? Does he have nothing to offer the child? Or is the issue that you don't want him in you WIFE'S life. Because if that's the issue, I have to say, you have other problems in your marriage that will only be amplified by whatever course you take.

 

Right now, this baby is an abstract in your mind. But the second that child is born, you will realize that it's a helpless, innocent life that needs love and support. Your wife will most likely experience an instinctive need to protect that child at any cost. Man, just my view on daycare radically changed from the time I was pregnant to the time I actually had to make a decision to put my child in care. So I can't imagine how she would feel about having to choose between keeping her child, or her marriage.

 

I highly recommend you both seek some counselling over this. It feels like a no-win. IMO you need to figure out how to reframe the situation, to find the best way to maximize the childs well-being and minimize the upheaval to three adult lives.

 

Good luck to you all.

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We had the first real ultrasound today, it's a boy. And we have decided to keep the child and keep the bio father out of the loop altogether, he definitely has nothing to offer the child, he treated her badly when he was here and then left. She was just a placeholder while he was going through the Navy's 1.5 year training here.

 

I live in Charleston, there is a navy school here, it's common for a "nuke" to find a girlfriend, use her until he gets sent to a boat, and then leave. I tried that (with my now wife) but figured out I don't have the disposition for it, so here I am married and in love, oops. Damn southern values of mine I guess. On a related note we are getting stationed in Hawaii in April, woohoo.

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This is a matter for you to decide but my opinion is that a child has a right to know their biological father - if for no other reason that there may be hereditary health concerns that might become an issue. I also believe a man has the right to know his children.

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We had the first real ultrasound today, it's a boy. And we have decided to keep the child and keep the bio father out of the loop altogether, he definitely has nothing to offer the child, he treated her badly when he was here and then left. She was just a placeholder while he was going through the Navy's 1.5 year training here.

 

I live in Charleston, there is a navy school here, it's common for a "nuke" to find a girlfriend, use her until he gets sent to a boat, and then leave. I tried that (with my now wife) but figured out I don't have the disposition for it, so here I am married and in love, oops. Damn southern values of mine I guess. On a related note we are getting stationed in Hawaii in April, woohoo.

 

Did you get a paternity test then?

 

I agree with DN. I think that if the other man is the biological father, he has a right to know. If you are so sure that he will have no interest in his child, why not let him know, so that you will have done the right thing, and then ask him to formally renounce his rights and you can formally adopt the baby? If he does not want to be a father that is a perfect legal way to get everything squared away. If he does want to be a father to this child, I believe he has that right.

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We had the first real ultrasound today, it's a boy. And we have decided to keep the child and keep the bio father out of the loop altogether, he definitely has nothing to offer the child, he treated her badly when he was here and then left. She was just a placeholder while he was going through the Navy's 1.5 year training here.

 

I live in Charleston, there is a navy school here, it's common for a "nuke" to find a girlfriend, use her until he gets sent to a boat, and then leave. I tried that (with my now wife) but figured out I don't have the disposition for it, so here I am married and in love, oops. Damn southern values of mine I guess. On a related note we are getting stationed in Hawaii in April, woohoo.

 

Congrats on the decision to keep the baby, that was a HUGE decision and I'm sure very difficult. I do agree with DN and Sophie though, check the legal situation if it does end up being the other man's biological child. It could cause issues for you all in the future. If you do the paternity test and he is definitely the father, then he will need to give up parental rights (if he chooses to), then you can legally adopt. I would worry about future parental rights issues cropping up is you just try to "leave him out of the loop". But the paternity test is the first step in that process.

 

It's pretty exciting to see that first ultrasound, isn't it? Congrats to Daddy and Mommy! You have made the hard decision, now it's time to forge ahead and make a positive, nurturing life for your new family member. Please also remember to ask for or seek out help if you need it through this process. This baby is your top priority now, you need to make sure Mommy and Daddy are going to be the solid foundation a child needs. Good luck and congratulations again!

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  • 3 months later...

well dont really know the answers to that as im in a similar place, im already rasing to girls that are not mine one is 12 and the other 16 and my partner is pregnant she claims it mine but there is question in my mind as a rich male friend of her claim they where at when ever they met up other half denises this, well i look at it this way if it mine grand if not yes i will be hurt beyond belife but i will still love the child as its still part of my patner and i will still love her too but the trust will need to be regained im30 and she,s 39

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If you love each other and want to stay together then treat this child as your own even if it is not. Remember always that this is not the child's fault. If you trust that she is not lying then this was really not anyone's fault.

 

One thing that you have to deal with is that if the child is the other man's - he has a right to know.

 

^^^^^^^agree

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  • 1 month later...

My husband and his "what ever you want to call her" had a baby and I didn't know what I was going to do when I found out. He was so scared I was going to leave him it wasn't even funny. I told him it all depended on how he handled it whether I was going to leave or not since we had 2 kids already. What I meant was, if he decided that this other baby was more important to him, we were going to be out of there. Turns out when he brought the baby home, the baby fell in line with the other 2. Called me mama and everything. It is not the baby's fault. Love him regardless because one day when he grows up and the truth comes out how he came to be, he will remember who was really there for him.

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My husband and his "what ever you want to call her" had a baby and I didn't know what I was going to do when I found out. He was so scared I was going to leave him it wasn't even funny. I told him it all depended on how he handled it whether I was going to leave or not since we had 2 kids already. What I meant was, if he decided that this other baby was more important to him, we were going to be out of there. Turns out when he brought the baby home, the baby fell in line with the other 2. Called me mama and everything. It is not the baby's fault. Love him regardless because one day when he grows up and the truth comes out how he came to be, he will remember who was really there for him.

 

Wow, so you and your husband are now raising the baby he had in an affair? That takes guts.

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I'm in agreement with everyone else. Get the paternity test and then make a decision. If you truly are okay with raising another man's child, good for you. Not many are. BUT you still have to let the biological father know and let him make the decision to be in the child's life. He may choose to step aside and sign all his rights away but if he turns out to be the biological father, he DOES have a right to see and support his child.

 

I do, however, have some skepticism about her finding out at 26 weeks. That is a LONG time to be pregnant and not know. 12 weeks or so okay, yeah, I can understand that but she is what, half way through the pregnancy now? I dunno... something sounds weird about that.

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From the time the stepson was born until he was about 4 years old he lived in the same city as us, so yes I guess you could say I helped raise him. He technically lived with his mom, but was at our house alot. So much so that he knew the rules when he was there. Unfortunately we don't see him much because his mom decided to move 11 hours away. That was her choice and we still can't figure out why she did that. Anyway, it isn't about being a better woman or not because I used to say that I would never do it. Then the situation happened to me. Now if I didn't have 2 kids already with my husband I do think I would have left because I would not have wanted kids with him after he had one with someone else even though he is with me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 10 months later...

I haven't read all the post but if that child isn't yours you need to talk to a lawyer asap!!! The same thing happened to me and it has taken a major toll on my life. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're a very supportive guy that's stable and has a modest to pretty good income compared to her. I'm not a lawyer but I'll tell you what he told me. You're going to need to file a reverse paternity through the court system. You won't have any rights but that doesn't mean you still can't be supportive. If you do stay in the relationship prepare for a hard life because if she leaves you in a year or two you get to pay child support so her and her new guy can go play on your dime!!!

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Alright I just read all the post, first off if you tell the real father then he can fight for rights, most likely won't win but he could. Second if you sign over rights and you're still together you can always get back on after you're off. Third, look at all the people you know that's in the service and their wives cheat on them!!! I think you're going to be in a state of shock for awhile and making a life long decision in a month isn't a very thought out plan. I feel for you dude because I've done everything you did and now I'm paying for it!!! I bought a house, extra car, 5000 and climbing in baby stuff, therapy cost, books on self help and depression, your close friends will think your a fool, last but not least the child support!!!! The good news is, if you want full custody you can fight for it, might not win but you don't know until you try!!

 

May god be with you my friend, you'll need him more than what you even know!! I really do pray by some god given gift that the kid is yours!!

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