Ex misses her Best Friend...me

[Time2Shine]

Hey guys.

 

I've posted here before but under a different name. It was TooLateTooGone and the link to that background story is here

 

The story is thread # 329832

 

I have been on NC now for almost a month and i was getting on along fine. I've got a new job, lost alot of weight, fixed nearly everything in my life...but im still missing one piece and thats my ex.

 

I still miss her and I still think of her everyday. Tuesday would have been our three year anniversary and I am really going to dread that day. Recently I've been more worried about my ex because she has developed a drinking problem. She seems to want to drink every weekend now. My friend told me that when she asked her how she was coping with everything she just said "O...well I've been drinking more." Now this is really strange because she actually dosent drink that much. Almost never really but recently she is drinking alot and it worries me. I don't want her to get hurt. She told my friend that she misses having me as her best friend. As the one's you fall in love with should be your best friend. So my friend was telling me that I should try to be friends with her without bringing up the relationship.

 

I really don't know if I could do that. The problem is of course I still have feelings for her and of course I would want more then to be just friends. I wanted to marry this girl before and was preparing for a ring...sadly we never got there. So what should I do? Should I try being her friend and maybe that will lead to more? or Should I just stay on NC? I mean is already been a month and its going ok I guess. The problem is that I have been able to turn it around because my friends kick me in the ass daily to get my * * * * together and they always tell me what I 'NEED' to hear and not what I 'WANT' to hear. Unfortunately for her...it hasn't been the same...People just corroborate her drinking like its an appropriate way of dealing with the problem. Everyone is giving her what she wants and nothing of what she needs. I'm hoping she wakes up soon because I don't know how much longer I can stay on this page while she is stagnant on another.

 

What is the right thing to do here? Should I try to be her friend and hopefully stop her drinking and work towards getting to be something more. Or should I stay on NC and hope she comes back...the situation has changed I guess and I want to make sure I'm making the right steps...My friend tells me NC is not a good idea...

[DN]

Stay on NC - trying to be her friend will just cause more hurt for you especially while she is drinking and partying.

[Ms Darcy]

Stay on NC - trying to be her friend will just cause more hurt for you especially while she is drinking and partying.

 

I would agree. Don't try to be her friend unless you are ok with you two just remaining friends. If you do try to remain friends, please don't take it as your responsibility to make her stop drinking. You are not her parent, you are her friend. So your job is to be supportive and not to make her stop doing something.

[uncomfynumb]

I still miss her and I still think of her everyday. The problem is of course I still have feelings for her and of course I would want more then to be just friends.

 

You should never be friends with someone that you want something more with unless you are a masochist that sincerely enjoys pain. Need I explain why?

 

And like Ms. Darcy said, it is not up to you to play daddy and help with her drinking problem. That is something only she can do alone.

[Time2Shine]

I'm really pissed that she isn't progressing and is actually regressing. This makes me feel like it'll be forever until she decides to call me. Also she is a really proud girl and im afraid her pride will get in the way of contacting me.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm really pissed that she isn't progressing and is actually regressing. This makes me feel like it'll be forever until she decides to call me. Also she is a really proud girl and im afraid her pride will get in the way of contacting me.

 

Why did she break up with you? (Brief summary if you don't mind. I can't locate your previous thread).

[uncomfynumb]

I'm really pissed that she isn't progressing and is actually regressing. This makes me feel like it'll be forever until she decides to call me. Also she is a really proud girl and im afraid her pride will get in the way of contacting me.

 

Well if you would have kept with the NC, you most likely wouldn't know these and you wouldn't have to be feeling pissed.

 

She has no reason at all to change. You, by staying her friend, are not openingly encouraging her behavior but are in many ways telling her that she can do anything that she wants and you will still be there for her.

[Time2Shine]

Here is my background story.

 

I've been wondering for awhile now whether I should post my story here. I hope and fear that due to the anonymity of the internet that people will tell me things i don't want to hear but what i need to hear.

 

Let me begin...

 

I have just gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship. Like any relationship the first year was great but riddled with problems. I had money problems and within the first month she had already loaned me a sizable sum of money($1000 - 1500). Now I know...wow what a bad start. But I paid her back immediately. So the months went by and we fell in love. I loved spending almost every moment with her but at the same time I liked the distance between us. I got to know her family and they got to know me. I loved them like they were my own. Everytime they asked me for help I gladly did it. As part of how I showed love to this girl I did alot of things for her parents. Whether it be construction, painting, mowing the lawn, vacuuming...you name it...I did it. It was great. I felt loved and so did she. Then into our second year more problems arose. I started having money and career problems. To this date I still owe her money. A large sum at that...she hasn't asked about it recently but I feel the obligation to pay her back.d I felt stagnant and needed some serious help. She helped me so much. She gave me money, helped me plan my future and had even bought me a cheap car so I may do the things I needed to do. But then about 6 months ago...I panicked. I realized that within a year we would have to make the decision to either to stay together or move apart and try a LDR. I was so scared. I had not really gotten far in trying to make my career goals met so at that period 6 months ago I got scared that I would lose her for good. What I wanted to do was make good on all the help she gave me. I wanted to show her that I had a great future ahead of me and for us. So for 6 months straight I worked hard on trying to make some money and save up for a ring. This took alot of time and through it all i slowly started to neglect her. I knew it...I started neglecting her and for six months she held on hoping things would change. It didn't...then one fateful day...one of my problems came back and bit me right in the ass with her there to witness it all. She was pissed to say the least. For months I had told her I had taken care of it and now she came to realize that I hadn't. While working hard on trying to show her my future...I let other things slide. So one of these things I let slide finally reared its ugly head and destroyed us. That day we broke up. For about 2 months after that we talked with the usual i reject her...then she reject me...then i come begging for her back...and it got to the point that she was tired and angry. She didn't want to talk to me. She told me to move on. She told me that she didn't want to speak to me anymore because I wouldn't be able to move on. She had closed the door on us and she said she would never open it again.

 

So...its been about 2 weeks with NC and I still want her back some days. But recently i've began to realize that what have done that shows that i deserve her. Yes so i've lost weight, changed my bad habits and am finally moving forward in my career. But...is it too late for me in her? Is this a lost cause? She seems to be moving forward greatly and she is going out again with friends and having fun. I'm happy for her...yet I can't help but feel like I belong with her. So what should I do. We are already in NC and I used to tell myself that we would find each other again but now...I realize that maybe not. We had a long history, filled with good times and bad. She still has alot of her things here and the memories of are past are still sitting in my room in plain view. But for what i have done...for the neglect I had shown her. For the pain, anguish and anger I've caused...Is this relationship gone for good? I miss her and I want her back...but is there no light to the end of this tunnel? I only have about a year left here. After which we may go our separate ways due to career and because of the weak state we are in now...it seems that getting back in 6 - 9 months from now would not leave us strong enough for a LDR if need be. What should I do?

[Ms Darcy]

Is this relationship gone for good? I miss her and I want her back...but is there no light to the end of this tunnel? I only have about a year left here. After which we may go our separate ways due to career and because of the weak state we are in now...it seems that getting back in 6 - 9 months from now would not leave us strong enough for a LDR if need be. What should I do?

 

Thank you for taking the time to write out your backstory. I'm sure that wasn't very easy. It sounds like there were at least four major problems in the relationship: one, your long period of emotional neglect; two, your on-going financial issues; three, your unfocused career path; and four, your lies. Here is my suggestion. Why don't you do this - come up with a plan for yourself.

 

I think you need a good 6 months to get yourself together.

1) Emotional neglect: read up on it. Read about how women view that in a relationship. Think about how you would be more attentive in the future. Write a little journal about your feelings. BE more emotionally open with your friends and through your writings. The more in touch with your inner self that you are, the more you will be able to communicate your needs and affection in a relationship.

 

2) On-going financial issues: you can't even consider getting back together until you fix this. You need to sit down with someone good at finances and figure out why you keep needing loans. Cut the fat on your expenses. Hock the ring you gave her and pay her back what you owe her as soon as possible. Vow to never borrow from her again.

 

3) Career path: Keep working to secure this - which you are currently doing and that is great.

 

4) Your lies: This is the part that kills you buddy. I can't guarantee that she'll have any reason to trust you again, depending on the severity of the lie, but you need to do everything you can to resolve the issues that you would feel ashamed sharing with a partner.

 

When you get to where you need to be in 6 months, then I think it's time to consider or reconsider a relationship.

[jmr19114425]

You should never be friends with someone that you want something more with unless you are a masochist that sincerely enjoys pain. Need I explain why?

 

And like Ms. Darcy said, it is not up to you to play daddy and help with her drinking problem. That is something only she can do alone.

 

Exactly. I have a savior complex/responsibility kick like you do. My ex right now (B/c she has told me and b/c other people have told me) is doing what I think is some dumb * * * * . Usually I would have been that person to step in and tell her to stop/give advice/etc., however, it is not on ME anymore and the same for you ...If you are broken up, don't do that. It is not your place b/c it is not your problem anymore. Go NC and improve your life. No point in being friends if you don't want her in your life like that, unless you like pain.

[Time2Shine]

MD,

 

Thank you. I realize that those are my faults and in actuality...I fixed all of them. Hard to believe but I got all of it sorted out already. Except maybe for the trust issues due to my lying.

 

1. I read up on emotional neglect everyday. I have read multiple books and even the mars and venus series.

 

2 & 3. I fixed all my finances with a couple of friends. I spend almost no money on myself and just plan to pay off all my debts. Also during those six months I created an application, I'm a programmer, and that application was actually so good that it good me a really good job as a Engineer. I get paid very well and my money issues will be gone shortly. I have already paid her back half of what I owe.

 

4. I don't know what to do about this...I can't make her just trust me...especially when she dosen't talk to me...what can I do? It seems like I can't do anything.

 

Its been a month since NC and tomorrow is my three year anniversary had we stayed together. Don't feelings die after not seeing someone for so long? I mean what if we don't see each other for months on end and then we end up going our separate ways...The thought kills...

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know what to do about this...I can't make her just trust me...especially when she dosen't talk to me...what can I do? It seems like I can't do anything.

 

Its been a month since NC and tomorrow is my three year anniversary had we stayed together. Don't feelings die after not seeing someone for so long? I mean what if we don't see each other for months on end and then we end up going our separate ways...The thought kills...

 

 

I think you have to realize that many of her feelings have changed already. They changed enough for her to break up with you. You have already gone your separate ways. She has made this choice. Trying to get back when she doesn't want that will push her further away.

 

We don't really know if she will trust you again. Lying kills trust and sometimes it can be best to move on versus trying to rebuild trust. Hang in there.