Handling a guy with stalker tendencies?

[Celadon]

What are you going to call him out on, exactly--standing too close to you in the cafeteria line? What would be an acceptable response to that, and how comfortable would you feel going forward that you haven't just called more attention to yourself from a now-very embarrassed and resentful stalker guy?

Oh, catfeeder. If you think this issue is about a guy standing too close to me in a line, then we're not even having the same conversation.

 

I recommend reading the Gift of Fear. It has some good insight and suggestions to your similar situation. Your intuition is going off for a reason. Don't ignore it. Be extra careful and be more aware of your surroundings.

Thanks for the suggestion, Jadewhisper. I appreciate that. I agree it's important to be aware and alert, trusting our instincts but being careful not to become paranoid. I took a women's self-defense seminar once, and the instructors emphasized the value of being prepared mentally.

[Panther_Dude]

For the love of...how can I put gently? Ah yes...this dude really likes you. Just talk to him. Is he ugly? A guy you would date?

[MissIndigo]

Yes, I echo reading The Gift of Fear. Based on what I gather from your original post, you especially need to pay attention to the chapters "Persistence, Persistence" and "I Was Trying to Let Him Down Easy" since you seem to have someone on your hands who doesn't want to let go of you, or the idea of you, and somone who needs to be told to bug off in no uncertain terms. One of my favorite things in there is this, an example of an unequivocal rejection:

 

"No matter what you may have assumed till now, and for whatever reason you may have assumed it, I have no [romantic] interest in you whatsoever. I am certain I never will." (pg. 242 of the paperback version I have)

 

Follow that up with something along the lines of what's next written, which echoes the idea of "I expect that knowing this, you will no longer bother me."

 

Harsh, but I've had to use a variation of this when I ended a relationship with a guy who refused to let go. You have conveyed to us in your first post that this guy has been told to stay away from you, and since he has seemed to reject that by continuing to make a point to hang around you, you need to offer strong words. Definitely ask your group leader or other trusted person to be there with you, document when/where you did it, and who witnessed what you said.

[Ms Darcy]

For the love of...how can I put gently? Ah yes...this dude really likes you. Just talk to him. Is he ugly? A guy you would date?

 

I don't know ... this is just an observation. It seems like the men who have responded don't generally view this with the same level of concern as the women. Maybe they can identify with the guy?

 

OP, don't let that phase you. Keep ignoring him.

[catfeeder]

Oh, catfeeder. If you think this issue is about a guy standing too close to me in a line, then we're not even having the same conversation.

[...]

 

I'm pretty sure you're aware that this isn't what I think. There's a valid reason why I asked some direct questions:

 

1) What, exactly, do you intend to accuse the guy of doing?

2) What do you hope the accusation will accomplish?

3) Is it worth going back to a group you've already decided you're leaving in order to make the accusation?

4) Will you feel safer or more exposed after making the accusation?

 

Given your situation, these are not trite or offensive questions. They're important to think through.

[galaxy71]

I think you and the group leader deserve more criticism than the guy. You never took that guy aside privately, so that you could assert your boundaries while maintaining his dignity and privacy. There is nothing in any of your posts that indicate that you asked the guy to stop talking to you. If setting your boundaries in private does not work, then you should appeal to an authority figure for help in your situation. I don't see anything that indicates that the leader told that guy what specific boundaries were violated. I can't believe that you think it is wrong for guys to be fixated on one woman instead of dating a range of woman. Most average-looking guys don't have a choice in the matter. Since most women are not attracted to us, we are unable to date a range of women even though we fantasize about it. Since our options are limited, we develop crushes on that cute woman in our social circle.

 

He didn't commit harassment at all since you have to specifically assert your boundaries, before somebody could be faulted for intentionally violating those boudaries. I don't think that there is any indication that this guy might threaten your life or safety. I knew this guy who tried to commit suicide, because his crush would not date him. That is scary. What this guy did is inappropriate and a little creepy, but it is not harassment. I have seen threads on the internet where guys have gotten accused for sexual harassment because they asked a women out. Let see how you feel about the matter if a leader took you aside and accused you of harassment because someone you liked couldn't reciprocate your feelings. For a lot of guys, sexual harassment is at the back of our mind when we approach women because some women have a lot looser definitions of sexual harassment than other women. At this point, the best thing to do with would be to ignore the guy. Don't talk to him. Don't look him. Don't acknowledge him. Don't greet him. Eventually, this socially awkard guy will realize that you are not interested in him.

[Celadon]

For the love of...how can I put gently? Ah yes...this dude really likes you. Just talk to him. Is he ugly? A guy you would date?

 

I can't believe that you think it is wrong for guys to be fixated on one woman instead of dating a range of woman. Most average-looking guys don't have a choice in the matter. Since most women are not attracted to us, we are unable to date a range of women even though we fantasize about it. Since our options are limited, we develop crushes on that cute woman in our social circle.

Hey guys, I hope you don't get discouraged about dating. I know it can be tough out there. It's not easy to figure out how to show one's interest without being perceived in the wrong way. I absolutely get your point.

 

My hope for men is that they can develop a sense of themselves such that they CAN go out and engage in conversations and friendships with women. And that if a woman turns a guy down, he can brush himself off, say "Her loss" and move on. I'm not going to imply that dating is a bed of roses. There are plenty of reasons why so many of us are single. It can be painful. My hope is that we can all have a reasonably good time meeting new people and also feel comfortable choosing who to be with -- and who not to be with.

 

As for crushes, I actually think that unending crushes are crippling. Seriously, I have friends who won't give up hope on someone and they're completely paralyzed. They don't want to date anyone because they think "maybe" this person who has never shown a whiff of interest in them -- despite plenty of chances -- will somehow "come to their senses." It's a complete fantasy and a trap. What's more, they can't even have a normal friendship with the person because they spend time in private making up fantasies about the person, which completely throws off any hope of acting normally around him/her.

 

Sure, people can enjoy crushes, but IMHO, they need realize that these unending crushes are nothing but self-entertainment -- not based in any sort of reality -- and therefore should not cross over into action.

 

But back to my OP ...

[Celadon]

I'm pretty sure you're aware that this isn't what I think. There's a valid reason why I asked some direct questions:

 

1) What, exactly, do you intend to accuse the guy of doing?

2) What do you hope the accusation will accomplish?

3) Is it worth going back to a group you've already decided you're leaving in order to make the accusation?

4) Will you feel safer or more exposed after making the accusation?

 

Given your situation, these are not trite or offensive questions. They're important to think through.

 

I think you and the group leader deserve more criticism than the guy. You never took that guy aside privately, so that you could assert your boundaries while maintaining his dignity and privacy. There is nothing in any of your posts that indicate that you asked the guy to stop talking to you. If setting your boundaries in private does not work, then you should appeal to an authority figure for help in your situation. I don't see anything that indicates that the leader told that guy what specific boundaries were violated. ...

 

He didn't commit harassment at all since you have to specifically assert your boundaries, before somebody could be faulted for intentionally violating those boudaries. I don't think that there is any indication that this guy might threaten your life or safety. I knew this guy who tried to commit suicide, because his crush would not date him. That is scary. What this guy did is inappropriate and a little creepy, but it is not harassment. I have seen threads on the internet where guys have gotten accused for sexual harassment because they asked a women out. Let see how you feel about the matter if a leader took you aside and accused you of harassment because someone you liked couldn't reciprocate your feelings. For a lot of guys, sexual harassment is at the back of our mind when we approach women because some women have a lot looser definitions of sexual harassment than other women. At this point, the best thing to do with would be to ignore the guy. Don't talk to him. Don't look him. Don't acknowledge him. Don't greet him. Eventually, this socially awkard guy will realize that you are not interested in him.

I guess there are things that I either didn't include in my OP and subsequent posts, or have not communicated in a way that's clear to all. My bad. Partly, I just didn't want to rehash blow-by-blow the years I've had to deal with this guy.

 

Suffice it to say, my actions toward him have been clear. I was initially neutral to him, but as I was around him, I felt more and more uncomfortable with his demeanor. So I've rejected his attempts to get to know me. I turned him down firmly when he asked me out. I told him I'd never be interested in him. I've consistently ignored him. When he violated my boundaries by attempting to gain my private information from other people (after I told him I didn't want him to have it), I called in an authority figure to speak with him.

 

See, it's the last bit that reveals his true motives. To disrespect someone's clearly stated wishes like that is selfish. It says this: "I don't care what you want. I'm desperately lonely, and I insist that you be interested in me. You -- a near stranger -- must fulfill my needs because I've targeted you. I refuse to change my behavior because to do so would mean I have to take responsibility for myself. It's easier for me to try to manipulate you into being what I need."

 

Anyway, thank you all for chiming in. I've contacted my group leader now and am awaiting his reply.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't believe that you think it is wrong for guys to be fixated on one woman instead of dating a range of woman. Most average-looking guys don't have a choice in the matter. Since most women are not attracted to us, we are unable to date a range of women even though we fantasize about it. Since our options are limited, we develop crushes on that cute woman in our social circle.

 

This seems like your struggles with women are making you say that she's in the wrong here. There are lots of men who have lots of options and don't engage in this behavior. They know they have a choice.