ex friend tries to exclude me again

[zina]

I am trying to make new friends,especially after my ex best friend excluded me from common people we used to hung out..

(they like me but they call her to go out because they live close and think that she is going to inform me but she

1)says that I can't go out with them without asking me ,or

2)says she hasn't spoken with me which is true)

 

The problem is that we will work again together for a short time and I have to be with her in the same environment ..

 

I have met some new people at work that we have started hung out and she just tries to exclude me again..!

 

Unfortunately the bonds with the new people are not so deep and I don't know what to do..It is already difficult to see her everyday after the things that have happened between us(she hardly says good morning when we are alone but when people are around she tries to appear good) and I don't want to be excluded again..

 

Perhaps I should be closer to the colleague(let's call her T) that seems to care more and not on the other one (let's call her B)that has many times made me question her motives and feelings towards me.T happens to dislike my ex friend since they met years ago(when I also met ex friend)and my ex friend doesn't like her either.

So ex friend tried to approach B .But B is really close with T,so I am a little worried..

 

I have also met two other women from work(G and K) that are many years friends with each other and who seem genuisely interested in being friends with me..Ex friend also tries to get to know them in order to exclude me but seems like those 2 are more interested in me than her.

 

I just want to protect myself because whenever I was nice to ex friend she really took advantage of me and in the end she tried to ''harm'' me ,as she had done in the past with another close friend of hers..

Also I want to build some stable and deep friendships in my life because I need them..So I want to act as a clever woman and not lose any more time , because the years I was best friends with this woman , she wouldn't let me make new friends..(I know this sounds pathetic but it was my mistake because I always wanted to give to her and please her without ever taking anything,but now things have changed)

 

So any advice would be really helpful

[catfeeder]

I would operate 'around' ex-friend rather than directly addressing her behaviors, and I'd let her hang herself.

 

I would be stubbornly disciplined about not allowing myself to discuss ex-friend with anyone, as this tends to backfire on people who badmouth another. It doesn't build confidences, it builds mistrust.

 

I would be kind to everyone at work, and I'd extend invitations to people I like one or two at a time, but I'd avoiding inviting a whole group. This would only position you to put up with her if she's invited to join by someone else, or to look like a shrew trying to exclude someone deliberately.

 

When forced to share company with ex-friend, I'd pull off a pleasant case of amnesia and demo no memory of anything past. I'd keep things light, cheerful, and I'd avoid attention-seeking or competition in any way.

 

If you can make it through the job term without conflict or stooping to gossip, you win--regardless of how many friends you rack up along the way. Private dignity trumps the appearance of popularity.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I ditto catfeeder's post. I will also add that perhaps you can still maintain your friendship with the other group by calling them and inviting them out..perhaps on a one to one basis at first. Over time it will come out that you and the other person had a falling out which you do not care to discuss. Rebuild your other friendships...and if those other friends end up siding with this ex friend and purposely excluding you, then they never were truly your friend.

[zina]

Thank you both for your advice!It is the best advice I have received so far..My friends advised me to tell anyone what she had done to me or to confront her..(I know she will deny everything and she will treat me even worse-I know her.. )

 

One more problem is that when I try to establish those new friendships and she comes around trying to ''intrude'' and leave me out ,for example of a conversation, my mood changes and then she has the space to ''hunt'' my new friends..

[catfeeder]

Changing your mood is exactly what she wants to do, so turning into a sulker gives her a win. I'd pretend not to notice.

 

If the girl is as obnoxious as she sounds, she'll show the new people what she's made of soon enough. They might like her for a while, so just avoid competing and give her enough rope to weave her own troubles.

 

If you involve anyone else in your battles, they'll resent you for it--don't go there. If you confront her, you'll come off as the hostile one and leave yourself an uncomfortable aftermath you'll have to live with for the duration. Just do your job, be pleasant to be around, and let the chips fall.