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My ex-boyfriend from when I was 16 (he was 19) started talking to me on chat today. We had a romantic relationship back then and had a lot of really sweet memories. I am 20 now and its been about four years since we've seen each other. We broke up because at the time he asked me to marry him and I felt that I was too young. We had a bitter misunderstanding about commitment and broke up while both of us secretly still wanted to be with each other. He and I promised each other forever and he wanted to get married but I asked him to wait because I thought I was young. I didn't mean that I necessarily wanted to date other guys, but I felt marriage at 16 was far too young and implies having a house, children, and other responsibilities. I felt that if two people are in love and together, what is the point of marriage except for these things. He thought I didn't really love him or want commitment, and I thought he didn't really love me and only wanted a marriage. I thought if he really loved me he would have waited but he was hurt when we had our discussion about marriage and we both called it off.

 

We found out today we were both wrong and both wanted to be to together. I really loved him and wished we didn't break up and he still feels like I'm the one girl of his dreams that got away and who he always compares other girls to. I think he still loves me from the way he speaks to me. I still care about him but I am not in love, I don't really know him anymore, just have good memories.

 

I want to have him as a friend right now but he said he couldn't be friends with me without it bringing up old feelings, but if I was single again and missed him then he would definitely be open to exploring our relationship once more. I respected that and didn't want to talk anymore since I didn't want it to bring up feelings and hurt him. And since I have a boyfriend I didn't know if it would be a good idea to have my ex as a friend if he still has feelings for me. I hadn't talked to him since I met my current boyfriend so today was the first day we had a chance encounter but it left me confused.

 

Then he did something kind of weird and I'm even more confused about it. He got back online after we agreed not to talk and said there was one way we could be friends. He asked me if I had sex with my current boyfriend. (At the time we were together I was a virgin and when he tried to have sex with me I denied him and told him we should wait until marriage). I didn't want to answer (the answer was yes) and he figured it out anyway, and then proceeded to somewhat haplessly say that sure we could be friends then, no problem. I can't imagine his feelings dissapeared within 2 minutes over something like that and I kind of suspect he's just saying that so he can keep me as a friend. I pressed him about it and he said that when we were together we were so close and I denied him and he respected that but now he knows I've given it to someone else and that the man I had sex with must be more important than him and he could never live with that. It made me feel 1) Judged for something I didn't do wrong, and 2) Confused as to why he would want to have me as a friend and if it is even a good idea. If he still has feelings I don't want him as a friend as long as I'm in a relationship, but I wouldn't mind possibly dating him in the future. But now he is saying he can be my friend because he could never date me because I had sex?!

 

What do you guys think? Do you think his feelings would really change all the sudden like that?

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Honestly this guy is very immature. He needs to learn to see that sex and love are two different things.

 

His feelings did not change suddenly but his ego was crushed by that info. His admitting that you can be friends is just a front to hide the obvious. He was trying to let it go easy so he doesn't look like he was hurt by it (but he is.. he really really is.) In my opinion, once he gets over it and grows up a bit, he will start to pursue you again.

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As harsh as this is, it sounds like he now considers you 'damaged goods' and perhaps feels that means he should no longer care. Hw sounds pretty immature, especially at what? 23?

 

I don't think you should be talking to him, especially while you have a bf. Incedentilly, does he know about any of this?!

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A lot of guys have this mindset, that the more you do with someone, the better you like them (though it makes sense in a way). Since you didn't have sex with your ex, but you had sex with your current, it logically follows that you like your current better than your ex, and so he uses that as the reason to move on. I'm not saying it's fair or right, just that that's how many guys think.

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Thanks for the insights. I'm just surprised he still wants to keep me as a friend and I don't think his feelings could have changed that quickly.

 

I'm not sure if I'd want him as a friend or even as a romantic possibility in the future if its really true he's thinking of it as 'damaged goods.' I don't appreciate men who think that way, its somewhat sexist and immature from the perspective that sexuality is a healthy aspect within the context of a good relationship and we are not living in puritan days anymore.

 

He admitted to sex with other girls after me as well and I don't take any double standards.

 

My only worry is that he's saying he doesn't have feelings and definitely would not want a relationship (b/c I had sex) and we agreed to be friends and communicate; but if he does, then its not a good thing right now since I have a boyfriend and I don't want to lead him on if I'm in a relationship. I have the suspicion that he still loves me since its been 4 years and right before he asked me this question was hinting at that. I think its probably better not to communicate with him while I have a boyfriend? But I always felt its good to be friends and on good terms with exes so I'm not sure here.

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It's probably true that your ex still loves you. However, he will never go for you unless his view towards the whole virgin thing changes. With the knowledge that your ex is probably still thinking about you and that you have a new boyfriend, you should probably not keep in touch with your ex. It seems like that would be best in the long run.

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I don't think he sees you as damaged goods. No evidence of that. Maybe he just wants to stay on the sidelines and get to know you again, to see if there is a chance feelings will come back.

 

What about this part?

Then he did something kind of weird and I'm even more confused about it. He got back online after we agreed not to talk and said there was one way we could be friends. He asked me if I had sex with my current boyfriend. (At the time we were together I was a virgin and when he tried to have sex with me I denied him and told him we should wait until marriage). I didn't want to answer (the answer was yes) and he figured it out anyway, and then proceeded to somewhat haplessly say that sure we could be friends then, no problem.
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truthfully if i was in his situation i would react the exact same way. My gf was a virgin when we got together, and if we ever broke up and she had sex with another guy then I can say with confidence I would instantly lose all romantic feelings for her and would not consider getting back with her.

 

So Yes I believe he could instantly lose attraction once he found out you had sex so now he can be your friend without getting romantically involved.

 

You didn't necessarily do anything wrong except telling him you wanted to wait for marriage then breaking up and having sex with another guy w/out getting married. But your mind can change so its not wrong, however I can understand how he feels. I don't think hes really judging you or saying what you did was wrong, but he remembers you as an innocent virgin girl and was probabally hoping to pick up where you guys left off.

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