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He wants to marry me...and I'm just not sure


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This is my first post, and I really need some help here.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months, but we've known each other for almost seven years. We met during my senior year of high school. He was a year older, already in college, and we became really good friends--like best friends--pretty much overnight.

 

We'd talk constantly, on the phone, on instant messenger, etc. Pretty much, we were super close. On top of that, we came from pretty crappy home lives, so that just helped us bond.

 

About a year after we met, I got into a relationship, then went away to college. That relationship was pretty rocky, and I was always going to this guy, my current bf, for advice. From the beginning, my current bf--who was just a friend at the time, would always say how my then-bf didn't deserve me, etc. Eventually, my then-bf's jealousy and paranoia (he thought I was cheating on him) ended the relationship, so I broke up with him.

 

By that point, my best friend was dating another girl, which lasted for about two years, until they broke up. At that point, I would occasionally mention to my best friend (also my current bf) that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, that I was doing good on my own, etc.

 

We both dated around a little bit, and then, at the beginning of my senior year of college, he started dating someone new right around the same time that I started dating someone else. My boyfriend, at the time, was totally cool with me being close with another guy, but my friend's girlfriend was super insecure and pretty much hated me. She basically made his life a living hell whenever he spent time with me.

 

So, halfway through senior year of college, me and my ex broke up and I was going through a rough time. My friend (and current bf) ended up spending a bunch of time with me, trying to comfort me. He and his gf got into a bunch of fights about it (which I didn't know about until later), until he just broke up with her.

 

Finally, at the end of senior year, we (meaning me and my best friend) were both single. In a way, it was kinda freeing, being out of a relationship, and we spent a lot of time together, and I sorta started to depend on him. Then, during the summer after graduation, we both got drunk at a party and ended up making out.

 

The next day, I was super confused and just scared about what it all meant. But he came to see me and basically told me not to worry about it, that we were drunk, and it didn't mean anything. So we kept hanging out, and just went back to life as usual.

 

Then, like a month later, at another party--while drunk--he basically admitted to me that he'd always had feelings for me and broke up with his ex-gf because of me. I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say much at the time. Afterward, he didnt' remember much of anything, but he could tell I was acting weird, so he asked what was going on. After a few days of avoiding the subject, I finally told him what he'd said and he admitted that it was true.

 

Of course, I panicked. The last thing I wanted was to be the cause of ending someone's relationship. He said it didn't have to change things, but it definitely did.

 

So, I kinda just disappeared for a week or two, until he confronted me and basically said that, yes, he'd broken up with his ex because he had feelings for me, and the least I could do was let him know if I felt the same. I asked him what'd he'd do if I said no, and he said he probably couldn't be around me anymore.

 

I asked him for a few days to think things through. After about a week, without talking to him, I was just panicking. Like, what would I do without him in my life? I honestly couldn't face the idea of him not being in my life.

 

So we had a long conversation, and in the end, decided to try a relationship.

 

It was weird, but we just settled into things romantically. Like, I felt like I should've been weirded out by kissing him, but I wasn't. And, when, on our third date, he said he loved me, it didn't make me panic like it might have otherwise. It was just like adding the "romantic" factor to a friendship that had been going strong for almost six years.

 

But...BUT...we've been together for almost a year now, and he keeps making comments about marriage. But those comments make me panic. Like panic attack, kinds of panic. I've always known that he wants kids, the white picket fence, and the whole happily ever after deal. But I'm only 24, and part of me feels like he's moving too fast.

 

The day, though, when I was talking about maybe moving to a bigger city, he was like, "I don't know. I don't really want to raise kids in the city. And, why move when our families are here, and it'd be so much easier for them to come to the wedding if we keep it local?"

 

I'm naturally sarcastistic, so I said, "Wait, we're getting married now, huh?"

 

And he goes, "Well, aren't we?"

 

I didn't know what say, so I just changed the subject. Only, he brought everything up again a few days later. Finally, I just told him that I don't know if I'm ready. I want all of that stuff--the family, kids, etc, but I don't know if I want it right NOW.

 

We sort of got into an argument, and he said that he broke up with his his ex of over a year for me, and it wasn't right that I didn't know if I wanted to marry him. He made me feel so bad, and I don't know. I love him and we're really good friends, but I really don't know if I want to marry him.

 

Like, we've been best friends for years, we're super close, his family loves me, my family loves him, we have so much in common, but I'm still hesitating. I feel like so many people would love to have the relationship that we have, but I'm still uncertain. In a way, I feel like I've read too many romance novels, and expect to be insanely passionate about the guy I marry, but maybe I just need to be realistic?

 

I do love him--I wouldn't have be with him if I didn't love him--but I'm just not sure if he's The One.

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You seem pretty sure of your feelings to me, and the fact that he throws in '"I did THIS for you...' (no matter what 'this' actually is) smacks of manipulation.

 

It's unlikely to be the only example of it in your relationship, so I think it's quite a big red flag.

 

It sounds to me as though you have been honest with him all the way through, and now you are being honest with yourself.

 

What you describe is a close relationship but tbh it doesn't sound as though you've met The One for you. Before the Drunken Talk you weren't pining for him, or hoping it would happen with him some day - rather, it freaked you out. It sounds to me as though you got into this sort of out of the goodness of your heart - almost to do a favour to a friend - and I think personally you may want to take the proverbial 'space' for a while.

 

I am afraid from what you say that this is likely to be met with a lot of anger and hurt from your b/f. If so, then try to picture him mentally as a toddler having a tantrum when the Mum knows better than him why he can't play with the sharp knife.

 

You have identified some real issues here and you need to listen to your heart. It will hurt a lot breaking up with someone you care this much about but if, as you read this, there is even the tiniest hint of relief at the thought, then - that is perhaps what you need to do.

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Well... ok, here it goes:

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months, but we've known each other for almost seven years. We met during my senior year of high school. He was a year older, already in college, and we became really good friends--like best friends--pretty much overnight.

Stop right there. You both are NOT ready for marriage.

1. He's still in college and no stable career

2. It's below a year and you already said that you are unsure about the whole marriage ordeal. If you are that confused, stop bringing it up. It doesn't sound like you've figured out what you want from this guy. The alcohol and actions at a party made it even more confusing.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is how do you feel about your boyfriend now? Are you serious with him?

 

So, halfway through senior year of college, me and my ex broke up and I was going through a rough time. My friend (and current bf) ended up spending a bunch of time with me, trying to comfort me. He and his gf got into a bunch of fights about it (which I didn't know about until later), until he just broke up with her.

Another big No-No. How often were you calling this guy after breaking up? If you were calling him a lot to go cry on his shoulder because of a break up, then his girlfriend had every right to be upset. Most women who are upset over break ups usually go to their girlfriends to talk about it... because talking to a guy about it constantly when they are taken puts a wedge in THEIR relationship. It does more harm than good. Him choosing to break up as a result of this shows he doesn't know how to prioritize people who are currently in his life (people can argue that I'm wrong, but in my own experience it has usually lead to this). It's great that he broke up after losing interest! But what if another female friend of his does the same thing as you did to him? How would you feel? I'd look at this as a red flag, but it really depends on how committed he is to you. He certainly wasn't committed to his last girlfriend when you were in the picture.

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