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I'd appreciate some insight.. what is he feeling?


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So basically, this [shy] guy I really liked (and thought he liked me back) newly got into a relationship 2 days ago. I was heartbroken of course, and so I emailed him confessing all my feelings and how I thought he liked me also, and how shocked I was to find out. He then replied calling himself an a-hole and an idiot telling me he had feelings for me but thought I only liked him as a friend, and how things just happened 'quick' with this other girl he is newly dating.

I told him my resentments about how I wished he would have told me, and how unbelivable it is for him to practically have no clue whatsoever that I was into him, and how disappointed I was that he moved on so quickly from liking me to going out with this girl, no matter how 'quick' it was. EDIT* And I also told him that I wasn't going to wait around (because we have 3 years of program together for school) in case things didn't work out for him, and then he told me he would never expect me to wait for him.

 

He then said he understood how I could hate him and how terrible he felt and how he genuinely thought I only thought of him as a friend. He also expressed that he wished we could have told each other our feelings sooner... and how he wished I'd understand he's not a bad person at heart since I know him better than most people.

 

So...... obviously, it's only been two days and I'm not over him.. at all, and it probably is best for me to move on, right? But I'll be honest, there's this part in my heart hoping that he'd end things with the other girl and come back to me... but I know I'm just being foolish and in denial, but it's SO. HARD. I wish I knew if he really 100% moved on from me, and whether if there are any feelings left for me or not....

 

What do you think? I basically feel miserable and can't find anything distracting because everything reminds me of him. I really need some advice and insight, I would appreciate it, thank you..

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I'm sure he's at least have some confusion in his heart if he felt some romantic feelings towards you before he started dating the new girl.

 

But you cannot blame that against him, you assumed that he knew that he liked you, even if there were many signs that he may have already noticed feelings towards you, sometimes people just don't know until the actual words are said or action is taken.

 

I would be patient, it must be heartbreaking but he's not rejecting you as a friend or he only saw you as a friend. After all he did have feelings for you as well.

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to be honest if I was that guy and some woman i fancied told me as soon as I got a girlfriend that she had feelings for me I would think shes having a bit of a laugh. Why would she tell me that now!?!

 

I do not know this guy but 1 of 2 things will happen. He will take contact with you again and start to test the water with you and if he feels confident you mean what you say he might leave her but from experience life isn't like the fairy tales so he will most likely stick to the next best thing and focus on his new girl. You will know the answer to this pretty quick.

 

What I would say is this, you told him what you had to say so don't do what most people do wrong at this stage and start getting clingy or demanding. Chill out for a while and see what happens and if nothing happens move on.

 

If I had a pound for every girl I could of, should of, probably would of asked out I would be a millionaire!

 

Just remember for next time. Those who dare win...

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What I would say is this, you told him what you had to say so don't do what most people do wrong at this stage and start getting clingy or demanding. ...

I agree with the above. You've had your say and now it's time to let it go and move on. He knows how you feel but he's with someone else now and it would be wrong to keep pushing. Respect him and his relationship and gather up your pride and dignity and move on.

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Why would she tell me that now!?!

 

I agree. I think you were a little hard on the guy and he responded very nicely. Leave him alone, out of respect for his relationship. But beyond leaving him alone, I think you need to take care not to resent him. He really didn't do anything wrong here.

 

Do you think it's possibile that you actually feel a little frustrated about your own actions? I mean, you did not choose to tell him your feelings until he was in another relationship. You could have told him sooner.

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*update* ........ He said he still wants to be friends.

 

I guess the little hope I had is totally out the window now. Is he mental? Hope he realizes it will take time.

 

Tell him you can't do it right now.

 

I think he's got some integrity in not leading you on or trying to hookup. He's committed to seeing where his relationship goes. Who knows what the future holds. Just try not to hold it against him for not knowing what you were thinking.

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It's crazy how eerily similar this is to my current situation.

 

I had a girl that told me flat out that she didn't want a relationship when I expressed interest in her because we were just friends. That was fine, but I went out and got a GF quickly, and her true feelings came out at that point and she confessed that she wanted a relationship and she didn't want me to date other people, etc. She did not tell me how she felt and that's the only reason I'm not currently with her and I'm with the girl I found because she did not tell me how she felt until after I was in a relationship.

 

I'm not saying I'm the same as the guy you're referring to, but the ONLY reason that I went out and found this girl was because it hurt to care about someone as more than a friend and feel like they only wanted to be friends (which maybe is what he thought about you?).

 

After all this, I told her I wanted to be friends still (like he told you), but that's because I don't want to lose her as a friend because I love the person that she is and wouldn't be okay not having her in my life.

 

I hope this helps some, just insight from a guys perspective on a similar situation!

 

Good luck.

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Wow. Thank you for replying in this thread, I realllly would like an opinion from a guy who preferably went through the similar thing.

 

The only difference between yours and my scenario is that I never explicitly TOLD him I was not interested. I was definitely interested, and I, in my own way, tried hard to show him that. But I'm pretty shy (reserved, as he said I was as an excuse for not realising how I felt about him) so I never made obvious physical contact nor asked him out on a date.

 

I don't know if he actively went and found her because he was 'hurt'. To me, he seemed OK and seemed interested in me.... even though this other thing was going on that I didn't know. My friends are calling him two-faced for flirting with me this whole time and then dating another girl straight off the bat. But I know it's not his fault, I know him better than most people (as he said) and I really believe that he was completely clueless.

 

The only thing I know about this relationship between him and his new gf is that :

1) It happened 'quick'

2) She is 2 years older than him

3) They were friends before I met him.

 

So it strikes me pretty odd that he'd be dating her NOW, after all the times they knew each other. (They even work at the same place). So I might be mistaken but it seems he didn't have feelings for her until very recently, especially since he had feelings for me(for several months) and she was still there in the background as his friend. I'm even suspecting maybe she had asked him out. I don't know, it's all a very messy story.

 

Now I need to ask YOU a question. I am trying SO hard to get over him, but it's really impossible because I see him everyday in class. Today I hated the awkward-ness and (it's not really his fault) so I went up to him and sort of apologised for all the tension I've caused and asked him to forget this ever happened. He seemed happy that I was at least talking to him, and agreed. But everything I do seriously reminds me of him. It's like he knows too much about me, and vice versa and we did SO many things together. Like half of my music playlist are all of his fave songs, and I can't even listen to music properly!!!! This is so frustrating. I'm even thinking about taking him back... but I really don't know how to do it.

So my question is, would you EVER consider dumping your current gf and going back to her? Like should I even bother having hope at the moment? Is it false hope? I keep telling myself to move on but I get too optimistic and just crash when I get disappointed. I don't know if there's awkwardness between you guys, but do you guys still talk normally? I am planning on being 'normal' with him, but I also don't want him to think that I stopped having feelings for him. I still want him to know that it's not too late yet. But not sure how to get the message accross. I know if I avoid him, he'll be too frightened to actually say anything at all... Do you have plans to be with her like you've always wanted to? I mean she clearly wants to be with you right now, right? Like I really wish I knew what he was thinking! I told him (along with my confession) that maybe the reason for us not in a relationship was because we didn't know EVERYTHING about each other. He then told me, since we have 3 more years to get to know each other better (in our med program), he said "I can't say what's going to happen". So I took that as me waiting around until he broke up with his gf, so told him I was not going to wait around JUST because we have 3 more years to be 'closer'. He told me this was not what he meant. What did he mean?

 

And here's the most important question that's been killing me for days

When she told you her feelings, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO BACK TO HER? Why didn't you dump your current gf? Why, because she might think badly of you?? I seriously think he still has feelings for me, but it kills me to know that he's staying with her and didn't tell me he still wants to be with me! I mean, do you have feelings for your gf at all? How can you stay with someone if you like someone else better? The thing is though, even though I feel like he still likes me, I also don't think he's the type to just dump her right off the bat....he's too sweet and sensitive and introverted[seriously. He only has one friend in our class: me. That's why we've bonded so much since we only talk to each other. Even though I had other friends, I liked him so only talked to him most of the time. I also was the first one to initiate this whole friendship with him in the beginning. He's just so shy.] .. but then also, I'm not sure at all. I feel clueless.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry if I am bombarding you with questions, but it's been driving me up a wall and I can't even sleep properly at night. I've been crying admittedly, and it's all just very awful. I hope you could ease my confusion a bit.. because I'm very depressed right now but pretending not to be in front of him and friends. It's very hard.

 

I really really appreciate it.

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And here's the most important question that's been killing me for days

When she told you her feelings, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO BACK TO HER? Why didn't you dump your current gf? Why, because she might think badly of you?? I seriously think he still has feelings for me, but it kills me to know that he's staying with her and didn't tell me he still wants to be with me! I mean, do you have feelings for your gf at all? How can you stay with someone if you like someone else better? The thing is though, even though I feel like he still likes me, I also don't think he's the type to just dump her right off the bat....he's too sweet and sensitive and introverted[seriously.

 

I think the reality that you have to come to accept is that he's with who he wants to be with most at the moment. He may have liked you more in the past, but things have changed. It's time for you to move on.

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I think the reality that you have to come to accept is that he's with who he wants to be with most at the moment. He may have liked you more in the past, but things have changed. It's time for you to move on.

 

Just read through this thread, and some of your past ones just to get a feel for the situation..

 

You seem so upset about all this, and I'm sorry I have to wonder, if you never made your feelings known, then why are you angry at him? It's a natural reaction of course, but I think the bitterness is only going to make things worse for you.

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^I'm not angry at him anymore. I even went to talk to him in person and apologized for every awkwardness and tension I've caused and we both agreed to pretend this never happened and just be casual again.

 

But now, he's the one avoiding ME. I have been trying to talk to him normally but he's avoiding me really badly!! I don't get it!

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Wow. Thank you for replying in this thread, I realllly would like an opinion from a guy who preferably went through the similar thing.

 

The only difference between yours and my scenario is that I never explicitly TOLD him I was not interested. I was definitely interested, and I, in my own way, tried hard to show him that. But I'm pretty shy (reserved, as he said I was as an excuse for not realising how I felt about him) so I never made obvious physical contact nor asked him out on a date.

 

I don't know if he actively went and found her because he was 'hurt'. To me, he seemed OK and seemed interested in me.... even though this other thing was going on that I didn't know. My friends are calling him two-faced for flirting with me this whole time and then dating another girl straight off the bat. But I know it's not his fault, I know him better than most people (as he said) and I really believe that he was completely clueless.

 

My thought here is that to the girl I wanted to remain friends with, I chose to remain as normal as possible because if she doesn't want a relationship with me, she doesn't need to be the one taking on my emotional baggage and trying to help me as much as a significant other would. Sure, I'd tell her if stuff was bugging me or if I had a bad day at work, but it was completely out of just wanting to talk to her. I tried to maintain what made us friends in the first place because I didn't want anything to change and risk losing her out of my life for good.

 

The only thing I know about this relationship between him and his new gf is that :

1) It happened 'quick'

2) She is 2 years older than him

3) They were friends before I met him.

 

1 and 2 are the same for me. A month after the girl I wanted to be with told me she didn't want a relationship, I became exclusive with another girl who happens to be 2 years older, not that I think that's really a similarity to focus on just interesting.

 

So it strikes me pretty odd that he'd be dating her NOW, after all the times they knew each other. (They even work at the same place). So I might be mistaken but it seems he didn't have feelings for her until very recently, especially since he had feelings for me(for several months) and she was still there in the background as his friend. I'm even suspecting maybe she had asked him out. I don't know, it's all a very messy story.

 

This sounds similar to my situation as well, I chased the girl I tried to have a relationship for a couple months, then this new girl shows up when I was feeling like it was never actually gonna happen, so I decided to give her a shot. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be with the girl I wanted to be with (we'll call her girl A from here on out to make this easier), but I know that it hurts me every day to think of how much I still want to be, even though I'm trying to remain friends and be fair to my current girlfriend even though it kills me every day.

 

Now I need to ask YOU a question. I am trying SO hard to get over him, but it's really impossible because I see him everyday in class. Today I hated the awkward-ness and (it's not really his fault) so I went up to him and sort of apologised for all the tension I've caused and asked him to forget this ever happened. He seemed happy that I was at least talking to him, and agreed. But everything I do seriously reminds me of him. It's like he knows too much about me, and vice versa and we did SO many things together. Like half of my music playlist are all of his fave songs, and I can't even listen to music properly!!!! This is so frustrating. I'm even thinking about taking him back... but I really don't know how to do it.

 

I just want you to understand that I, being in similar shoes to him, feel this exact same way that you are now. I can't get girl A out of my head for the life of me. EVERYTHING I do I think about her. I want to text her every day and talk to her no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, even if it's my girlfriend. I'd like to imagine that she feels the same, and on occasion she drops hints and says things regarding us, she's never come out and told me exactly what she feels as in depth as I did.

 

So my question is, would you EVER consider dumping your current gf and going back to her? Like should I even bother having hope at the moment? Is it false hope?

 

I did dump my gf this weekend for her because we had talked about being in a relationship, but when it came down to it, we felt it wasn't the way to start a relationship. I had a hard time hurting someone who cared about me the way my gf does and couldn't end it by leaving her for another girl, so we both agreed that I'm going to stick it out and see where it goes. I don't know if I'll ever be with girl A, but I know that I would give about anything for her to have told me that she cared before I met my gf, if that helps at all.

 

I keep telling myself to move on but I get too optimistic and just crash when I get disappointed.

 

I feel this same way too, it's so difficult to be with my gf sometimes when all I want to do is be with her

 

 

I don't know if there's awkwardness between you guys, but do you guys still talk normally? I am planning on being 'normal' with him, but I also don't want him to think that I stopped having feelings for him. I still want him to know that it's not too late yet. But not sure how to get the message accross.

 

We talk normally, still daily, about whatever is going on. It turns flirty sometimes, but we both try to curb that most of the time. And if you want him to know you have feelings for him, in all honesty the only option is to make it known. Girl A and I have gone through patches where we both thought the other was over it, then spoke on the phone and cleared up everything and realize that we both still want something more. I don't know if you're that comfortable with him, but if you want him to know you have feelings, treat him normally but make sure to tell him or drop lines that let him know you're still interested.

 

I know if I avoid him, he'll be too frightened to actually say anything at all... Do you have plans to be with her like you've always wanted to?

Like I said above, I'm probably going to stick it out with my gf and see where that takes me. Though I'm not sure how much longer I can take the heartache, but I'm gonna try.

 

I mean she clearly wants to be with you right now, right? Like I really wish I knew what he was thinking! I told him (along with my confession) that maybe the reason for us not in a relationship was because we didn't know EVERYTHING about each other. He then told me, since we have 3 more years to get to know each other better (in our med program), he said "I can't say what's going to happen". So I took that as me waiting around until he broke up with his gf, so told him I was not going to wait around JUST because we have 3 more years to be 'closer'. He told me this was not what he meant. What did he mean?

 

She does want a relationship, I've had to dig it out of her a few times, but I've made her explicitly come out and say it because without that I'm never going to be willing to go out on a limb and lose something good for something I feel like could be greater.

 

And if I said that to her, I would mean that I hope you don't find someone else until I'm done because I care about you and don't want you to find another guy because I think I really want to be with you. Take that with a grain of salt though, guys don't always mean the same things when they say them, obviously.

 

And here's the most important question that's been killing me for days

When she told you her feelings, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO BACK TO HER? Why didn't you dump your current gf? Why, because she might think badly of you?? I seriously think he still has feelings for me, but it kills me to know that he's staying with her and didn't tell me he still wants to be with me! I mean, do you have feelings for your gf at all? How can you stay with someone if you like someone else better?

 

This is a difficult question to answer. Why didn't I go back to her. I'm not okay with hurting someone because she chose to tell me she cared at a poor time when push came to shove. I refuse to make a commitment, then back out because she felt like fessing up that she cared more than she did. It hurts me everyday to stick to that, but I do.

 

I do have feelings for my gf, I care about her a lot and she cares about me a lot. Do I have stronger feelings for girl A? Yes. I would say I definitely do, but the situation is what it is currently as unfortunate as it may be. Like I said, girl A's texts at the beginning of my day STILL make my day, 7 months after we started texting daily... I care about her more than probably anyone I've ever known, but it still doesn't change the fact that if you honestly have something that you feel is that special, starting it on those terms is not a good way to do so. It sucks.

 

The thing is though, even though I feel like he still likes me, I also don't think he's the type to just dump her right off the bat....he's too sweet and sensitive and introverted[seriously. He only has one friend in our class: me. That's why we've bonded so much since we only talk to each other. Even though I had other friends, I liked him so only talked to him most of the time. I also was the first one to initiate this whole friendship with him in the beginning. He's just so shy.] .. but then also, I'm not sure at all. I feel clueless.

 

He sounds a LOT like me, just sayin. It would appear we have very similar personality traits. I'm not saying that means we think the same though.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry if I am bombarding you with questions, but it's been driving me up a wall and I can't even sleep properly at night. I've been crying admittedly, and it's all just very awful. I hope you could ease my confusion a bit.. because I'm very depressed right now but pretending not to be in front of him and friends. It's very hard.

 

I really really appreciate it.

 

I know how you feel though, seriously. I wake up in the morning hoping that girl A texts me or something, even when I wake up next to my gf my first thought is to check my phone. It sounds really messed up to write down, but she drives me crazy.

 

I know how tough it can be in front of friends too, I just want to touch her or anything to feel closer to her when I have to be with her in public and it hurts that I don't have the right to do that

 

Anyways, hope this helped again. Like I said, it's just my experience and I can't promise anything, especially that he feels the same way, but if this helps you sleep at night at all, then it's done its job

 

Good luck

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Wow, thank you for your reply. You really helped me a lot... although the way you feel about her sounds too good to be true for me in my case. I actually don't even know if he still has strong feelings for me, if at all.. wish I could find out, but he's been avoiding me a lot lately.... I even tried talking to him and apologised to him, but he still gets so awkward. I really miss talking to him. *sigh*

 

But that's funny how we are in this similar situation!

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Wow, thank you for your reply. You really helped me a lot... although the way you feel about her sounds too good to be true for me in my case. I actually don't even know if he still has strong feelings for me, if at all.. wish I could find out, but he's been avoiding me a lot lately.... I even tried talking to him and apologised to him, but he still gets so awkward. I really miss talking to him. *sigh*

 

But that's funny how we are in this similar situation!

 

Well, you can either just try to be his friend and stop chasing him (which is hard, I know) and just let him come to you, which sucks or you can move on. Finding a new guy is probably the best option, but I can't believe I'm saying that because if the girl I want to be with found a new guy, I don't know what I'd do. It would either kick me into action or set into stone that I'd stick with my current girlfriend and do all I can to forget about her.

 

Good luck, I feel your pain!

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