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Writing another letter, could use some advice.


Casmut

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I have been planning on writing yet another letter to my ex about our current status. Two weeks ago i had sent her a letter basically putting my foot down and asking for answers in regards to our break up over a year ago. For those that don't know, she dumped me because our jobs were getting in the way of our relationship. We went NC and she ended up breaking it in November.

 

I find out nearly 2 weeks ago after i had sent off my first letter that she didn't cheat on me and she didn't meet someone else. She said something did happen but she wasn't ready to talk about it and she had her reasons. There were many things she wanted to say but said she is not letting herself say it. Since 2 weeks ago we have not brought up the subject at all and instead we talk about things that don't have any relevance at all. Its fun to talk about random stuff and just have a good time but there also has to be a line drawn and try to make things healthy in our communication. She is not making any attempt at trying to fix things at all and like most of the people here on ENA have said, she is simply toying with me.

 

Which brings me to this. I am in the works of sending her another letter, perhaps maybe my final one but i am having trouble writing it and could use some advice on how to approach her in regards to various things, such as; She said it wasn't someone else. It wasn't the temporary distance. She admits that what she is doing is unfair to me. What are the reasons? Why is it so hard to talk about something that could improve our communication?

 

Another thing that i'd like to touch on in the letter is something that is going to be very hard. I didn't want to put our friendship on the line but i am going to have to, i need to tell her that we need to discuss (the above) the things we talked about or i don't think it would be healthy for us to continue to talk. I love her and care about her and that is why i must go away.

 

Any advice on what and how i should include any of these things into a letter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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You want some advice? No more letters.

 

I think there is a point where you need to accept the communication you've been given. Strictly trying to think from her perspective, I would really feel pushed. It's not even clear what you are looking for from her, you know?

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The thing is she wants to keep talking to me, and she is holding on to me for some reason. Whenever i back away she tries to pull me back, and i wouldn't mind being her friend if only we could clear our past and press on with our future be it as a couple or friends. I can't reconcile a friendship without repairing our foundation, something is just not right with it.

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Sometimes you have to find closure within yourself. You keep looking at having the "answers" as your key to closure, but I can almost guarantee it won't be. One of the stages of grief is the bargaining phase, and I personally feel like you're bargaining. You're thinking "if I just do this..." or "she's doing this so it must mean this..." when you should be looking at what you know.

 

She might like you, even love you, and she may have romantic interest in you, but the fact of the matter is that its not enough to motivate her to be with you. People have all sorts of reasons why they hang on, even if they have no intention of getting back together. Breaking up is a process, not just a single decision, and sometimes it takes going back a few times before finally ending things.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I wish I could give you a more positive opinion of the situation. You're both letting go, and it takes time. It really does help to focus on what is, and not spending all of your time focused on what COULD be.

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You want some advice? No more letters.

 

I think there is a point where you need to accept the communication you've been given. Strictly trying to think from her perspective, I would really feel pushed. It's not even clear what you are looking for from her, you know?

 

This. No more letters. You can always convince yourself that "this will be the final letter", but every time you write something like that you exacerbate the problem and rub at the wound. The truth is that your ex can't and will never give you the answers you seek. There is no such thing as closure. She broke up with you, and therefore, especially so far after the fact, doesn't owe you anything at all.

 

Imagine if a job fired you, and then a year later, you were writing that company letters, asking if you could just check in once in awhile, and do some of the work that you used to do, but you'll do it for free, won't ask for anything in return. The company would think you were a nutter. If they were desperate, and really needed help, they may let you in the door to do the "volunteer work", but soon you'd be looking for compensation. "Can I have my old job back? How much can you pay me? I feel like I'm not being treated fairly. Look how well I'm doing and how important I am to the company." Then, the company will, once again, point out that you are no longer an employee, and that you offered to come back under the guise of being a volunteer. "Was that all just a tactic? A sham to get your old job back? We feel like you've lied to us." Then, next time you come to work, the locks will have changed.

 

Basically, there is nothing to make sense of. This is a dead issue, and you are visiting a graveyard, hoping that voices rise from the dead and say those things you've longed to hear. They won't come. She isn't a friend. She's an ex. Look at how passionate you still are towards her and how much you "need" for her to explain stuff to you. You aren't done with her romantically at all. She's still stuck in there. Not a friend, and that's the truth.

 

So, you're expecting things that a friend would offer you, and for her to live up to those standards, but she's not a friend. You're expecting the impossible, and then you're angry when the impossible doesn't happen. Your expectations aren't realistic, and therefore, you will always end up deeply disappointed.

 

The whole "my ex isn't treating my fairly" business is just an absolute contradiction in terms. By their very definition, an ex is not going to treat you fairly any longer. That's why they are "the ex".

 

Here is the question you need to ask yourself: What words could be said by her, and what actions could be performed, to truly get you to be alright with this?

 

Answer: Nothing. There is nothing she could say or do short of offering up her eternal, undying love that would truly satisfy you. And if she gives you "more then a bone" under the guise of "friendship", she knows very well that you may end up trying to parlay that into something more then friendship. Then, she realizes that, puts on the brakes, cycle begins again.

 

"Friendship with the ex that you have passionate feelings for" = bad idea 8 days a week.

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The thing is she wants to keep talking to me, and she is holding on to me for some reason. Whenever i back away she tries to pull me back, and i wouldn't mind being her friend if only we could clear our past and press on with our future be it as a couple or friends. I can't reconcile a friendship without repairing our foundation, something is just not right with it.

 

I wonder if you could talk to her and tell her exactly this? If she still doesn't talk to you, then I guess she is saying the friendship is not worth talking to try to save it.

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I also agree, no more letters. She is indeed toying with you..giving you just enough to keep you around while maintaining an air of mystery and vagueness. People who truly want to get back together do not act mysterious and vague. I would suggest you just stop communicating with her and when she contacts you after sensing you have backed off, tell her point blank "I wanted to discuss the issues and work on getting back together but it doesn't seem like this is what you want so it is time to go our separate ways." Don't demand explanations from her, don't show her you have any expectations from her...show her that you are simply walking away and if she changes her mind about what she wants then she knows where to find you. Time for you to put your foot down and take control over this or else she will continue to be vague and mysterious.

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The thing is she wants to keep talking to me, and she is holding on to me for some reason. Whenever i back away she tries to pull me back, and i wouldn't mind being her friend if only we could clear our past and press on with our future be it as a couple or friends. I can't reconcile a friendship without repairing our foundation, something is just not right with it.

 

I agree with everything Jettison says.

 

She wants to be friends. You want closure. She tried to give you closure. You want more closure.

 

At some point, you have to realize that the closure will come from you and not her.

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Which brings me to this. I am in the works of sending her another letter, perhaps maybe my final one but i am having trouble writing it.

 

Take your difficulty in writing this letter as a sign, that you don't have a clear purpose on why you are writing her.

 

could use some advice on how to approach her in regards to various things, such as; She said it wasn't someone else. It wasn't the temporary distance. She admits that what she is doing is unfair to me. What are the reasons? Why is it so hard to talk about something that could improve our communication?[/Quote]Ask yourself about what you hope to achieve with this letter and if achieving this goal is realistic at all. I assume you want some kind of closure, but odds are that you are trying to get something from her, that she cannot or will not give you.

 

Another thing that i'd like to touch on in the letter is something that is going to be very hard. I didn't want to put our friendship on the line but i am going to have to, i need to tell her that we need to discuss (the above) the things we talked about or i don't think it would be healthy for us to continue to talk.

So you cannot stay her friend unless you get closure? To me, it sounds like you are using your "friendship" as a leverage to get closure.

 

To be honest - if an ex told me that we needed to discuss the past relationship or otherwise it would be unhealthy to continue talking, then I would tell that person to stop patronizing me (or just stop talking to that person).

 

At least consider the possibility, that she will find you a tad manipulative if you write stuff like this to her.

 

I love her and care about her and that is why i must go away.
I think you are right in going away. First step will be to stop sending her letters...
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I am going to take a different approach here. You shouldn't be trying so hard to be friends with someone you want a relationship with. You're focusing on all this other stuff, and missing the point that what you want from her is to be her boyfriend, and she is not signing up for that.

 

So forget trying to get to the 'root of the matter' of why you broke up. She could tell you any number of things, then where are you? Exactly the same place, with her jerking you back and forth and not actually dating you.

 

If you want to break this logjam, you say, 'i'm sorry, i have too many feelings for you to just be a friend, and we're stuck in this weird limbo half way between friends and lovers, and I can't go back to being friends. If you want to actually start dating me and be my girlfriend again, including all that that means, then I will meet with you (in person) and we will start seeing each other again on a regular basis.

 

If you are not goin to be my girlfriend again, starting now, then it is time for both of us to let go and move on to find new partners. Trying to be friends just won't work, and is not working, i'm sorry.'

 

Then stick to it. If she does anything other than actively become your girlfriend again, then just don't respond to her, ever again. All this current situation does is torture you, and doesn't get you a healthy relationship. Insist on what you want, and if you don't get it, go find someone who will give you what you want and need rather than this bizarre limbo you are in with all her 'secrets' etc.

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Casmut, I'm going to be honest... I highly doubt your ex wants you back. You're going to have to stop talking to her anymore, and find closure within yourself. She's never going to be honest and genuine to you, so you might as well give up and leave her be.

 

As much as it hurts, it's time to close this chapter and move on. She has.

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I kind of agree with this post. It's kind of the same limbo I'm going through at the moment. I think you should tell your ex that you can't be friends any longer.

It's either you tell her or you continue being her friend and going through this pain. Or you just find closure in yourself and not say anything and let it go. I guess it's about how much you want to risk.

I'm going to be telling my ex my feelings/opinion shortly. I either want to move forward with him or move on. I don't like the "in between" stuff. I've been living there too long and it's not good for me. The best way is to pick the option which won't have regrets and if crap hits the fan pick the option that you're going to be able to live with the easiest if that happens.

 

Goodluck, remember to hold your head up high.

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Awesome advice from everyone, thank you for the support.

 

You are all right about not sending another letter, i don't know why i bother with her in the first place. I have like this internal struggle going on and sometimes i let my emotions take control of the wheel. When my mind takes over it tells me that i need to steer clear of this woman and move on but my heart continues to hold me back. I realize that there is truly nothing for me to gain for whatever she says if she actually gives me an answer. She could just easily fabricate something and tell me. I need to just accept that she really isn't a friend but an ex. When her and i first started talking again, i was absolutely fine and i didn't even care much to talk to her but as time went on we started to talk more and i don't know what happened but sometime in February my guard began to crumble and her actions started to get to me and i also started to analyze the most tedious things. I knew right there that what we were doing was going to end up a disaster. I had started a thread on here concerning 3 text messages i sent her and asked on ENA if it was to much, that is how bad it got.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, she really is toying with me and i do have to cut off communication with her, its the only way i am going to feel better. She was at first giving me the impression that she wanted to get back together but things did dwindle down and our conversations drifted from what was going on with ourselves to talking about games, and movies. I am not much of a gamer or movie goer unless its with someone, i am far to active to be sitting around for extended periods of time. If she does sense that i have backed off then i will tell her something a long the lines of what you wrote.

 

A very common theme from the replies that i am seeing is quite simply that i won't find closure from her but i must find it within myself. The funny part is, back in October i had finally come to terms and have forgiven the situation and i was feeling happy and even more optimistic than before, i was ready to spread my wings but then she came back into my life. Its true that i shouldn't use what we have going on at the moment as ammo, i don't know why i think that way..maybe perhaps to get her attention but i also understand it could cause a lot of damage.

 

Lavender what you wrote there was also something i would have included in a letter to her, but ill keep it in mind if her and i were to have this conversation. I haven't spoken to her today, first time in months. No reason to bother at this point, but i won't lie its eating at me a little bit. Shes been jerking me around for awhile now, but i allow it. I don't know why i allow it but i also know why she is doing it. Its pretty much obvious that she is toying with me, she is doing the whole teddy bear thing you wrote about in my previous thread.

 

Vertigo it really is time to throw in the towel and stop, she was giving me all kinds of signs about possibly getting back together but i only realize she did that for attention. I really want to close this chapter and i hope i cans tick to my guns in terms of going back to NC with her. I have a lot coming up soon, and i can't have any of these distractions.

 

Tears you and i have been through similar hardships. I hope you and i can find closure within ourselves so we can both move forward.

 

Thank you all for the amazing response and support. I don't know what i would do if i didn't have this much help. Mentally i really am weak and i have made some real bad decisions.

 

Much love and respect, thank you.

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Also another thing i wanted to add...i don't know why i put myself through all of this torture. After everything she has done to me, the pain she put me through a year ago while i was on base, the ignoring, the constant complaining, the using, the lying. She is a vile woman, and i don't know what i see in her but i continue to put myself through this bulls*it. There is just so much wrong and everyone warned me about it, there was no redeeming quality in her at all.

 

I can sit here and give you all a laundry list of problems with her, not that i am trying to paint a bad image of her because i wouldn't want to do that but these are cold hard facts about her. She gave me hell during our relationship for one of the dumbest reasons...because i am to active and i make her look bad. YES! This was an issue! My fitness has always been a major part of my life and because of it she got mad it me, it embarrassed her and she wanted me to stop. This is one thing i didn't do, its an integral part of my life. The list goes on...and the reason why i am typing all of this is somewhat of a vent but also to say that she really is no good for me but i can't understand why i still want her back. Its been over a year since we broke up..so why do i feel this way?

 

She was the first girl i've ever felt love for, the first girl that kind of brought me to a whole new world. I have been in relationships before, but i have never fell this hard for someone and i guess this is why i am having trouble letting go. I am confident in my ability to talk to women and get myself out there to meet new people but i get scared easily when they get close to me and i back away..i went on a date back in December with this girl from work, shes absolutely gorgeous and yet i somehow found something not to attract me to her and i didn't give it a chance. I don't regret anything but i just don't know whats wrong with me.

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Don't be so hard on yourself...there are so many dumpees who have been caught up in the same scenario with their ex. Lots of dumpers play the same kind of game because they know what buttons to push in the dumpee, they know the dumpee still cares and so they push the buttons to get the ego stroke. This is the dumper's true colours....any dumper who plays this kind of game and baits the dumpee like this is not a decent person and the fact that the relationship is over is actually all for the best because a long-term relationship with someone who is that cruel and manipulative would never be healthy and happy.

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I just don't understand why people would want to play games like this. I realize its to try to boost their ego, and my ex has very low self-esteem and could be searching for someone to make her feel good. And that person is me, she really does have a toxic personality. She initiated contact today saying "hey" and has just been giving me one word texts...just seems like another game she wants to play, what is wrong with people some times. I don't get why i feel for her, its so strange.

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I just don't understand why people would want to play games like this. I realize its to try to boost their ego, and my ex has very low self-esteem and could be searching for someone to make her feel good. And that person is me, she really does have a toxic personality. She initiated contact today saying "hey" and has just been giving me one word texts...just seems like another game she wants to play, what is wrong with people some times. I don't get why i feel for her, its so strange.

 

It's hard to disengage yourself from this, but it is your responsibility to do so. Don't try to understand her; you can't. I think you need to think about why you wanted her back. Why you stayed with her in the first place if she was this toxic. Do you see what I mean? Toxic people have to feed off of others. If she fed off of you, you let her. Don't let her anymore and try to figure out why you let her in the first place. Good luck.

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I just don't understand why people would want to play games like this. I realize its to try to boost their ego, and my ex has very low self-esteem and could be searching for someone to make her feel good. And that person is me, she really does have a toxic personality. She initiated contact today saying "hey" and has just been giving me one word texts...just seems like another game she wants to play, what is wrong with people some times. I don't get why i feel for her, its so strange.

 

Just a question. Do you ever see your ex in person? If so, how often and how does it usually go? Is it less now than before?

 

I was thinking, because of that question you asked her about "what happened" might have pushed her away a bit. Then when you stopped texting her that freaked her out, but now she still feels pushed to answer the question so she is being quiet.

 

I don't know, this is a long shot, but maybe if you just forget about the question for now and work on the friendship again so she feels less threatened. Go out, have some good times. She agreed to tell you...so maybe if you just act calm, polite...and whatnot she will tell you?

 

Again, I know she is a lot of trouble to I don't know. It's just an idea.

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why don't you date other girls? it has been a year right? come on....you are doing yourself a disfavor. sometimes when someone is too available the love of their life does not want them back! you need to forgive yourself, then forgive her, and move on. maybe you might even just be able to be friends with her!

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Ms Darcy, that was a very interesting piece of advice. I really should sit back and think about the things you mentioned. During the relationship she was a tad toxic, but it was nothing to serious. Given our current situation, i should really take the time and think long and hard about those things. I think a lot about whats going on now, and i often question my actions and reasons why i bother with her but i don't put enough thought into it. Perhaps i should however...

 

Tears, during our relationship we saw each other quite a bit. Since our jobs had us traveling at times we would go weeks without seeing each other but when work let up and we both had time..we would spend 2-3 weeks together all the time. It was always great times and the toxic personality she has now was not really existent. There were times where it felt like i was walking on egg-shells but i chalked it up to "we all have bad days". Currently no i don't see my ex in person because her job has her on the west coast. She comes back home in May/June and she could be here again for a few years. We spend a lot of time either on the phone or emailing.

 

When i asked her what happened, i don't think it pushed her away..in fact she pushed back at me. At first she was a bit caught up with the question, which i don't blame her since it isn't something that is easy to take in. She did come around eventually as far as my letter goes, although she was very brief and still left me with unanswered questions and even made new ones. I was thinking of writing a second letter but as many people have stated, it would be a bad idea so i am scratching that all together. I haven't touched on the subject of "what happened" since i initially mentioned it nearly 3 weeks ago. She agreed to tell me but i don't think she has enough integrity to back up her words, she is extremely afraid of confrontation, so i don't see her shedding any light on the subject. It just feels like more trouble for what its worth..

 

It would be very hard to just be friends with her given her toxic personality. I have tried my hand at dating and seeing other women, and things just don't seem to go to well. The problem isn't the women either, its just me..i don't think i am ready for dating, or i just haven't come accross the right woman yet.

 

Thank you all for the advice and support, hope you all have a great day.

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