Hard to let go when being lead on.

[Supercop]

I've been having a difficult time letting go, because the ex keeps saying he loves me, he is not ready to move on, but just can't be with me. Funny thing is, I initiate the calls and texts, which he always responds to.

 

PLEASE I need a knock upside the head! I am losing my self-respect. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. He would be calling ME and texting ME first.

 

Frankly, I think he is an ambivalent man and likes the attention of my calls and texts. I don't know how to stop myself. I try blocking his number, but it doesn't last for long. I've read the book "Don't Call that Man!", but I don't follow the suggestions (sometimes I do).

 

I get the line "If we're meant to be together down the line, then we will be." My problem is I keep waiting. I feel like a fool, but everytime we talk, he says "I love you".

 

 

Any suggestions? I know no contact is what I should be doing and obviously having a hard time with that.

 

Thank you for your understanding and help.

[leda]

I went through the same thing with my ex. After five years together and his decision to not be together anymore (which he didn't directly say), I allowed myself to be led on for longer than I care to admit. But the L word is useless without action really.

 

A male friend gave me a valuable piece of advice about men. He said they are like children when it comes to emotional things. Basically you have to be as direct and clear with them as you would with a child. Tell him clearly what you need and what you will not tolerate. Tell him he needs to tell you he doesn't want to be with you. It's that simple. If he can't do that, he needs to say the opposite (and show it).

 

My ex was an ambivalent person too. He was confused and didn't know what he wanted. After too many self-inflicted wounds to my self respect, I decided to let him be confused in peace and stop putting myself through hell. I cut contact with him and silence speaks louder than words sometimes. If he missed me and wanted me back, he would've broken the silence.

 

I advise you to do the same with your situation. You deserve to be told in clear terms what is going on. I know it's hard to let go, but don't be the one allowing yourself to be led on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Think of it this way...if he were just any old friend would you put up with always being the one to initiate contact? Wouldn't there come a time when you would say that the friendship wasn't worth it because you were the one putting in all the effort with no real reciprocation from the other? Your ex says he loves you as a way to keep you coming back for more...but it slips off his tongue so easily when if he truly meant it he would be getting back together with you. You know that he is stringing you along...you know he is getting an ego boost at your expense...now you have to work on shutting down your heart and simply following your brain. Your brain is telling you that you need to stop being in contact with him. If he truly cares then he will come back...if by you going no contact you never hear from him again, it means he he didn't care enough to make things work.

[jettison]

"Why can't I quit you?"

 

It's amazing how appealing, if you let it be, someone is when they express so much love or passion toward you and yet put up the big roadblock simultaneously. You get the rush of someone's passion with none of the fear of intimacy that accompanies it since the person won't let that intimacy happen.

 

For someone who has already been through these dynamics, they will usually recognize them way early on and just say "no thanks mister" and move on. Most people understand that something like this will just lead to confusion or frustration in both the short and long run.

 

If you really dig him, tell him "I will be your friend, and I will support you when it comes to your life and other women, but don't say 'I love you' anymore. None of that crap from you. And when I have a man I expect you to be equally supportive of me."

 

If he sees you truly as more then just his friend now then he'll make it happen with you despite your proclamation. And if he sees you as a friend then you win a real friend if he keeps his end of the bargain. And if he pulls through with neither? Then you know that he was just full of sheet.