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Am I Gay, Bisexual, or Straight?


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To start off, I am a 20 year old male currently in my second year of college. My parents were never married and I rarely see my father however I have one sister from my mom's side and a step-father.

 

I am attracted to mostly women, but am sometimes sexually attracted to men. The thing that is confusing is that I have had sex with women and thoroughly enjoyed it. When I think of having any type of sex with a man (oral or anal) I feel like vomiting. It truly sickens me to think of another man that way.

 

I feel like the lack of a father figure might have something to do with it. I have insecurities such that I lack masculinity or my voice isn't as deep as other men my age.

 

What am I? - Just thinking of being homosexual or bisexual at this moment makes me want to vomit and I feel sick, however, I still have sexual urges towards other men my age I see in public.

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You can't fight the urges, it is what it is.

 

Attraction to both sexes is the definition of bisexuality, although from what I understand you could have a mild attraction to the same sex and still not qualify as bisexual, maybe something along the lines of bicurious.

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Do you think that being anything other than straight makes you less masculine?

 

 

Well of course it does.

 

Gay men are much less masculine. I don't know why that is but it's obvious from the way they walk, talk, move, etc.

 

It's like they act like women on purpose.

 

Generally speaking.

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Well of course it does.

 

Gay men are much less masculine. I don't know why that is but it's obvious from the way they walk, talk, move, etc.

 

It's like they act like women on purpose.

 

Generally speaking.

 

That's your perception because when you see an effeminate man you label him as gay in your mind. When you see a "regular guy" walking down the street, you likely don't do that. But here's the thing--that "regular guy" you see could just as easily be gay.

 

Although I think it's true that most effeminate men are gay, I don't think that most gay men are effeminate. All cats are mammals but not all mammals are cats, etc. Recognizing the difference in these statements is important.

 

In any case, there's nothing wrong with being effeminate even if it were true that all gay men acted this way. Your kneejerk reaction to wanting to vomit is just homophobia and nothing more. It's not a particularly uncommon reaction depending on your age and upbringing; it will go away with time, assuming you do in fact have sexual feelings for men. I too went through a period in my early 20s where I told myself that I could never have sex with a man, etc, and could only be with women. It was just in denial, though. I'm not saying the same is true in your case but it's a possibility. The key is just to keep an open mind, try to see the homophobia for what it is, and let yourself come to terms with whatever you are--regardless of what that is.

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I am attracted to mostly women, but am sometimes sexually attracted to men.

What am I? - Just thinking of being homosexual or bisexual at this moment makes me want to vomit and I feel sick, however, I still have sexual urges towards other men my age I see in public.

 

This is a bit of a conflict as you contradicted yourself. How can you be attracted to some men, but yet feel sick about thinking about sex with men?

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You sound like you're either bisexual or gay.

 

At least 2 of my friends used the "bisexuality" label to transition into being gay, because they weren't comfortable.your " I want to vomit " feelings are just a reaction to the idea that your attraction is wrong, and its not wrong. Just because they don't make sitcoms about a person's lifestyle doesnt' make it wrong.

 

Even though its anonymous, I think you're taking a big step by asking the question, because you're beginning to be open with yourself. I think you should work on being okay with the idea homosexuality, so that ure not feeling to urge to gag all over a sexy boy . lol. Take all the time you need tho.

 

It's hard not living by the rules.

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Interesting question NaturalJ and please read because I can relate..

 

I believe its possible to feel attracted to men and to think its disgusting at the same time. I think your sexual tendencies are Real but your subconscious mind has an image of Normality that's been programed, influenced and developed around every single thing you've been in contact with for your 20 years or so? and as a result to be straight is to be Normal, to be masculine to be what women want ect.. Your desires and thoughts conflict making you hate or think whatever your thinking is disgusting when you'll never truly know because to know yourself completely is some * * * * ing hard work.. anyway..

 

I believe to be Gay is to want to cuddle and kiss a man, to want to be in a relationship and be emotional and emotionally dependent on man ect and last of all, to be sexually attracted to a man. I don't believe that your gay.

 

Your desires and tendencies towards women emotionally and sexually shouldn't change and you've shown that they still exist, proving that your not gay.

 

In this world you'd probably come off as Gay straight away if people knew you sexually desired men, witch isn't true as we've proven..

 

To alot of people, being Bi-sexual can mean that you have the same level of attractiveness, emotionally and sexually towards women as to men and that apart of you is still Gay regardless.. Just remember it it is called Bi-Sexual and your desires towards men and women are probably located in the Sexual category and Sexual category only..

 

Your upbringing as a child is vital to yours as to anyone's life, as it will shape and determine many things for the rest of your life. Your father not being a Father role model to you when you were younger could play a huge role in whats happening with you right now. I don't think there's been any professional psychological studies on such issues even though such issues may cause serious negative affects on certain individuals mental health that show and learn to develop later on in life, early adulthood.

 

At the end of the day you just have to be honest with yourself and there's that saying.. ''If you never try then you'll never know''

and speaking from experience, I've had a sexual encounter with another guy and I knew I sexually enjoyed it... but I couldn't let myself enjoy it, I couldn't possibly let myself accept the fact that my sexual tendencies towards men are real and to this day I'm still in denial.. but even if I didn't try it'd be on my mind and bugging me just as much as it would if I did try.

 

So just acknowledge and obtain as much information as you need and want then be honest and ask yourself that question again and I'm sure you'll find the answer Sorry for the long post but I hoped it helped.

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I believe to be Gay is to want to cuddle and kiss a man, to want to be in a relationship and be emotional and emotionally dependent on man ect and last of all, to be sexually attracted to a man. I don't believe that your gay.

 

Well, all of those things can be true for bisexuals. The difference with bisexuals is that they also have those feelings towards women too.

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Yeah true, so his feelings towards women are as equal as his feelings towards men, He'd be Bisexual but what IF, hes Feelings towards men were Only sexual? and he still is sexually and emotionally attracted to women? Is he still Bi-Sexual?

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Your long post was very helpful.

 

I already know if I did have a sexual experience with a man, I would turn over and vomit on the floor after wards. There is a possibility of me having some sexual contact while "in the moment" as my hormones are flowing, but once I have control of my body again... I would feel repulsive.

 

I have gone to a psychologist and she said I was "bi-sexual" because "there is a scale of sexuality" and most people aren't dead on gay or dead on straight, according to her anyways. It was when I was about 16 when I went to the psychologist and my sexual attractions have changed since then (leaning more towards straight).

 

Not having a father figure plays a huge role, believe me. That is why I included it. You can find the story of my father dispute in the family thread on this site if you want to understand my background more. Not having a father figure meant I didn't have a masculine figure in my life therefore I don't know exactly how to act masculine, I never learned that trait. However, being raised by two women (older sister and mother) gave me a "feminine" perspective until I got into my late teens. I also feel not very masculine because my voice isn't very deep. It sounds funny, but is sadly true. It isn't effeminate or something alike. I just don't have as deep a voice as I would want. For those two main reasons I question myself regularly.

 

Edit: Not feeling as masculine as others is relevant to me because it is what attracts women.

 

The positives of me brought up by two women is that I understand women very well, and their body language. It is very easy to empathize and I am sensitive to their every need (relationship wise).

 

I haven't had a relationship with anyone in 3-4 years. I have never been in a relationship with a man, and thinking about it seems curiously interesting but makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I would just like to repeat, not having a father figure for your adolescent years is a big trigger for these feelings, I can tell you that from my own understanding and the psychologist I went to see 4 years ago.

 

I feel as though I am bi-curious. I am this way about everything (this goes deeper than the conversation but may be linked). If I don't have change in my life I get depressed often. I can't do the same job at work, I can't follow the same curriculum of classes in college, I can't stick to one basic role in anything I do. I simply get too bored and grow increasingly curious about other options. So maybe I am bi-curious?

 

I'm still not sure what to think about all the replies to my thread though. Some say I am bi-sexual or gay, others say I am definitely straight.

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NaturalJ, Have you been diagnosed with anything by your psychiatrist? and even though I don't believe the word Bi-sexual would be the exact term for you or me but it would come close and I openly admit that I might be saying that out of homophobia but I believe that to be Bi-Sexual is to have completely equal feelings towards both men AND women, not just sexually. When I said I could relate to you, I didin't go in depth about it but I'm kind of in the same boat with you, I never had a father figure, I had a father but he was never there and supportive mentally, I was pretty much raised by my mother and likewise with you I can read them pretty women pretty well. Unlike you I was blessed with a deep voice, good looks and a masculine figure(Don't take me as egotistic because I'm not trying to be), and even then I've always been insecure about my masculinity. I've been also very vain my whole life, a feminine trait I've embarrassingly picked up.. So yeah I've been in and out of relationships with girls since I was 13, now in a serious relationship of 2 years. I suggest that you use your ability to understand and read women to your advantage as to when your in a serious relationship with a girl, you start to realize the meaning of having to be this masculine figure because you have to be one.. You gain a somewhat different perspective on it all together, and for me I still believe I wasted a few good years pursuing this idea that I have to be a Man's Man.. because at the end of the day the best person to be or become is simply yourself and hey I have that habbit too, to often seek change, I'm constantly re-arranging the layout of my room, once a week, every week. Its weird, another reason why I want to know if you got diagnosed with anything, I've always wanted something to explain my behaviour.. Anyway Goodluck NaturalJ I really hope you find what your looking for man.

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well not all gay men are effeminate. I'm very masculine and I am gay (love sports, violent games and movies, pretty deep voice). I think not having a father figure could be why you're not as masculine. my father wasn't around much when I was growing up but I had my grandfather and uncles raise me to be masculine. there was actually a thread made somewhere in this section about if who or how your raised can affect your sexuality.

 

but,I have heard of a couple cases where the guy wasn't gay or bi but could appreciate the male physique.

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NaturalJ Please excuse my long sentences as I haven't had a wink of sleep, its 7:05am now, I appreciate you sharing your experience with me, it has helped me alot to understand a few things and to know that someone else in this world kind of stands on the same ground as I do is a good feeling.

 

One thing I'm interested about is the part where you mention that change is essential in your life as it keeps a balance of your moods I assume. When you mention that you cant stick to a set curriculum, how do you think that will affect your future? I haven't seen a psychologist and I was wondering if your psychologist had any tips on how to deal with this inherent urge for change because I am suffering likewise.. and as for your sexuality I want to break some ice because I completely agree with you that the thought of going into a relationship with a man utterly sickens you as it sickens me too and if you ever encounted a sexual experience with another male that you would vomit right away.. so thats probably what would happen.

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It is comforting to find another person out here that can relate to me as well, halfie. I am not seeing my psychologist right now, but am going to continue seeing her soon. I think my constant conflict with changing certain aspects of my life will eventually force me to sit down and realize what I value more in life. It is going to be rather difficult to make it through college with this additional trait of change as a necessity. Day to day, I force myself to maintain certain limits such as the same job, future profession (college), and what I look for in other people, such as friend or significant other. This sounds like the norm to me, however, it is an ongoing issue that affects my personality.If I find someone to spend the rest of my life with they will have to negotiate with me, and this may help solve the issue (partially).

 

I personally think that I feel change is necessary for me to be happy. Eventually I will get sick of it and it will reduce in time. You know it's funny, I change practically everything all the time. I can't buy the same body wash for the next two months. I have to rotate to new kinds or I don't "feel" clean or it is uncomfortable. Simple things like that I often change because it makes me feel better. I'm just not happy with my life right now and that is why I feel I need change; that's my understanding from my own perception.

 

Once I see my psychologist, I can get some professional input as to why I am like this. I will probably see her in less than a week, I will let you know what she says halfie.

 

And going into a relationship with a man... I don't think I could survive it. These sexual urges I feel are one thing, but I couldn't handle an ongoing serious relationship with someone of the same sex. Possibly that is what being homosexual is? I know someone said this earlier in different wording, but possibly homosexuality is the hope of spending the rest of your life with someone of the same sex including affection and anything that goes with it, including sexual intercourse. It seems I would only partially enjoy the sexual intercourse and nothing else in the relationship. I don't even know if I would enjoy the sexual intercourse and thinking about it once again is making me feel ill.

 

Am I keeping you up by the way? You said you hadn't had any sleep recently.

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Maybe you dont need a label? You're attracted to who you are, period.

Sometimes you act on your feelings of attraction to another person.

Sometimes you dont.

 

I guess maybe the crux of your question is why you are sexually attracted to men when thinking about being with them is not appealing to you? And you think this might have something to do with the lack of a father-figure while you were growing up?

 

I dont know, but all I can say is that I am not a huge fan of pop-psychoanalyzing people like this (NOT to say, of course, that this is what you are doing). I think there are too many variables to say with any kind of assurance that people who are lacking a father figure are inclined to be gay (for men) or nymphomaniacs (for women). That's just too easy, and the human psyche is not that easy, not that straightforward, I dont think.

 

Just based on a simplistic and a narrow definition of bi-/homo-/hetero-sexuality, if you feel sexual attraction to both, I suppose one could say that you are leaning towards bisexuality.

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It isn't about the label. I'm trying to figure out why I have these feelings for men, yet I repulse anything more than short bursts of sexual urges when pertaining to the same sex. However, I fully indulge and love women.

 

As for the father figure topic, I don't believe everyone is somewhat bi-sexual or homosexual because of the lack of a masculine figure. In my case, it has a large part of who I am today and my sexuality (which is still not understandable to me). In fact, I think it affects almost everyone's sexuality when you are raised by only women (siblings and mother) as a male. It may not make you bi-sexual or homosexual, but it could possibly help you empathize with the opposite sex better like it does for me.

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Maybe you dont need a label? You're attracted to who you are, period.

Sometimes you act on your feelings of attraction to another person.

Sometimes you dont..

 

Yes of course, but maybe some people would like to know what category they fall under and if there even is one, my sexuality has had a huge impact on my life and my mental health, friends,family and my girlfriend played a huge role in curving and shaping me into the person I am today, according to them, they assume I've fallen into the Gay category then slowly into the Bi-Sexual category and now I'm starting to doubt that and the truth is they don't even know either. ''Words can reduce a person to an object,

something more easy to hate'' - Lyrics from a song called 'The Language Of Violence' as you may know it.

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NaturalJ

 

Yeah you were kinda keeping me up but I'm all good now, I've gotten my 5 hours.

And regarding the issue about the need for change, it seems like you have the self control to deal with it and I'm honestly happy for you.

If your psychologist says anything about that particular issue then it would be great if you could share some information with me. I think one of the positive things about needing change so much is probably the fact that you'll never seem boring to another person which is great if your in a relationship however to be honest I do actually envy you because I have no self control whatsoever but never the less I hope you succeed in life my friend and the best of luck to you

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It isn't about the label. I'm trying to figure out why I have these feelings for men, yet I repulse anything more than short bursts of sexual urges when pertaining to the same sex. However, I fully indulge and love women.

 

As for the father figure topic, I don't believe everyone is somewhat bi-sexual or homosexual because of the lack of a masculine figure. In my case, it has a large part of who I am today and my sexuality (which is still not understandable to me). In fact, I think it affects almost everyone's sexuality when you are raised by only women (siblings and mother) as a male. It may not make you bi-sexual or homosexual, but it could possibly help you empathize with the opposite sex better like it does for me.

 

Yes, I understand what you're saying. Maybe the ambivalent feelings you have for men have more to do with how you were taught to perceive homosexuality? Though it's tacit, you detect approval when you have a gf, but you feel as though you would have to face disapproval when you have a bf? Although I have a feeling that I might not be fully grasping what you're saying in your posts.

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Yes, I understand what you're saying. Maybe the ambivalent feelings you have for men have more to do with how you were taught to perceive homosexuality? Though it's tacit, you detect approval when you have a gf, but you feel as though you would have to face disapproval when you have a bf? Although I have a feeling that I might not be fully grasping what you're saying in your posts.

 

I wouldn't know about facing disapproval from having a boyfriend. If you have read all my posts on this thread, I get sick to my stomach at the thought of it.

 

What are you having difficulty grasping? I love women, relationship wise and sexually. I feel uneasy about having sexual urges towards men, but become ill at the thought of any type of sex with another man. That being said, I couldn't even have a relationship with another man just by the thought of sexual intercourse.

 

I have read how others say they had to experiment with the same sex to help solve their confusion, but I honestly don't think I could handle that.

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not always solving it, sometimes causing the problem.

i ended up going to backwards way.

 

Are you saying you experimented with someone of the same sex, and it made you heterosexual? In that case, your problem was solved.

 

Or are you saying that you experimented and it created more conflict between which gender you felt you should be with?

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I am attracted to mostly women, but am sometimes sexually attracted to men. The thing that is confusing is that I have had sex with women and thoroughly enjoyed it. When I think of having any type of sex with a man (oral or anal) I feel like vomiting. It truly sickens me to think of another man that way.

 

Dude, I was totally the same up until recently. It's because you've been raised to think gays are disgusting creatures and gay intercourse is still pretty foreign to you. You have to sort of reprogram the way you think in terms of what's normal and what's not. You've always had those thoughts in you man, you just need to explore them. Of course it's gonna feel uncomfortable or maybe even sickening at first, but when you associate how sexy the guy of your fantasies is, with fukcing him, then it makes more sense and you'll see how natural it really is.

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