Damnit! Feelings for my fwb

[BrokenLisa]

Aaahhh I can't believe it, what a rookie mistake.

 

I *think* I've started having feelings for my friend with benefits. I've known this guy for years and we've been casually hooking up, going on dates and meeting up on Sundays etc. This guy is very very very good looking and the *very* good in the sack, but not the relationship type. I've always understood the nature of our relationship, never had any plans on seeing him, he's not what I want for a boyfriend, he's in his thirties but still has a long way to go in terms of career, financial security etc. We started hooking up late January when I definitely wasn't looking for a relationship ( not sure if I am now either)

 

However, recently he's started saying things like "I'm not sleeping with anyone else you know" and told me "he really likes me". Now I'm no fool I know he gets around and to be honest it doesn't really bother me. I get the feeling he's trying to make me like him because he can't stand the idea that I've been able to go on dates with him and not want anything more? Mind games? I dunno. I've also been seeing this other guy who I'm not sure about but thought I'd give him a fair chance ( it's our 5th date tonight) by not seeing my fwb for now anyway.

 

Now I can't stop comparing him to my fwb :splat: My fwb has rung me a few times this week, I didn't pick up and now he's just rung me again, left a voicemail saying he's worried about me. I can't stop thinking about him. This new guy has everything I want on paper, he's good looking as well, got his life sorted, a house, funny, charming etc. However me and my fwb click on an another level, we has similar upbringings, are both a bit nuts, he *gets* me and I *get* him and I'm very very attracted to him. Don't get me wrong I do not want a relationship with this man ( it would drive me nuts, play on my insecurities etc), but still have feelings for him.

 

I have a date tonight with the other guy and I feel like it's not fair on him. It's our 5th date and we haven't slept together because I can't stop thinking about my fwb. What do I do? Cancel?

[Batya33]

It might help to think of the "fwb" instead in more honest terms, that is "the guy who I am letting ejaculate inside my body when he is horny and I am horny, but who doesn't want a relationship with me and who does the same thing with other women so that each time he ejaculates inside of me I am at risk of all of his and their sexually transmitted diseases". Something like that. You might also want to consider the risks of pregnancy which might help you focus on the physical as well as emotional risks to what you're doing.

 

I'm not saying he's not a friend - it sounds like you interact other than during intercourse - but I think using a neat euphemism allows you to remain in denial about what this is and what it isn't. As far as what he is saying - irrelevant because what he is doing - which is more important - is not consistent with wanting a relationship with you. Good for you for seeing the distinction.

I think it's a natural response to get emotionally attached to a sex partner - don't beat yourself up - you've learned something about yourself for when you're faced with the situation next time.

[BrokenLisa]

Well we are using condoms so I am protected, I know it's not 100 percent but still doing the best I can. I know it's a natural reaction to get attached to someone I'm having sex with, I guess I thought I could beat the odds by not getting attached. I definitely wasn't attached up until literally last week when he started creeping up in my thoughts. That's when I cut it off. So I was able to "pull it off" for a while. When all this started I was adamant that I did not want a relationship with anyone ( I'm currently seeing a therapist for my issues of not being able to function in a relationship, pushing people away etc.) but still wanted my sexual needs fulfilled and not going to lie, I liked the company too to a point. I definitely understand what this is, and I'm in no way wanting to have a relationship with him ( neither does he with me- which I also understand). I guess I'm wondering if I should give this other guy a chance? Go on this date even though I don't really want to?

[Timebandit]

I guess I'm wondering if I should give this other guy a chance? Go on this date even though I don't really want to?

 

You are of course free to date around, even if you are not going directly for a new relationship at this time. I would however say, that if you have been on four dates with this guy, then he had his chance (despite your FWB situation).

[BrokenLisa]

You are of course free to date around, even if you are not going directly for a new relationship at this time. I would however say, that if you have been on four dates with this guy, then he had his chance (despite your FWB situation).

 

Good point. I'm just not feeling him, and I don't know why. On paper he is great but that something just isn't there. I guess I've been doing this a lot lately ( going on a few dates, being a bit interested then suddenly going cold) so I almost want to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can date someone who is "emotionally available". I guess that's why I've conjured up these feelings for my fwb- because he most certainly is unavailable.

[Batya33]

I don't think having casual sex with someone who is having casual sex with others is "doing the best you can" as far as taking care of yourself, because you have the choice to abstain from having sex with this promiscuous person, so I respectfully disagree that you're doing the best you can (and I agree that condoms provide some protection but when you're starting out with a guy with this sort of lifestyle it's still russian roulette). My guess is that your therapist would agree that this situation is not productive to your therapy goals and likely harmful to them. Certainly if you end up with an STD it's going to be harder to find emotionally available guys who want to have a relationship with you.

 

I can relate to liking the company (meaning, wanting to be around someone you're attracted to - can't relate to the sex part) but maybe since he is your friend you can choose to hang out with him, but not have intercourse or oral sex - why not just do some safe fooling around whcih might lessen the attachment feelings and still let you have some company? If he's your friend, he should be ok with that, right?

 

As far as the other guy I would probably not see someone if after four dates I did not have the desire to kiss him (that was always my personal limit and standard - maybe it would be helpful for you to think of it in that way too). It's tough to say whether your sex partner is the reason you're not attracted to this other guy - maybe it's just not there, regardless.

[BrokenLisa]

I don't think having casual sex with someone who is having casual sex with others is "doing the best you can" as far as taking care of yourself, because you have the choice to abstain from having sex with this promiscuous person, so I respectfully disagree that you're doing the best you can (and I agree that condoms provide some protection but when you're starting out with a guy with this sort of lifestyle it's still russian roulette). My guess is that your therapist would agree that this situation is not productive to your therapy goals and likely harmful to them. Certainly if you end up with an STD it's going to be harder to find emotionally available guys who want to have a relationship with you.

 

This is true, can't deny it. I guess I haven't put my sexual health first or even second. Always honest advice Batya which I thank you for. I agree it's not a beneficial situation for me in terms of my therapy either. No doubt my decision to not be in contact with him is the right one. I guess I should be on my own for now and not worry about dating. I know I'm not in the place to date but it's hard since I do like male company and ( not to sound big headed) get asked out a lot.

[Ms Darcy]

I would agree with Batya on this. You can get STDs from sexual activities other than intercourse. Additionally, I think when you are trying to understand how you act in relationships in intensive therapy, its important to take a break from relationships in every form - even fwb ones.

[Batya33]

This is true, can't deny it. I guess I haven't put my sexual health first or even second. Always honest advice Batya which I thank you for. I agree it's not a beneficial situation for me in terms of my therapy either. No doubt my decision to not be in contact with him is the right one. I guess I should be on my own for now and not worry about dating. I know I'm not in the place to date but it's hard since I do like male company and ( not to sound big headed) get asked out a lot.

 

Do you want children or at least the opportunity to try to conceive? Maybe that will motivate you to stay healthy/safe? I'm so glad you're not going to be in contact with him - good for you!! That's flattering that you get asked out a lot and it's normal to enjoy male company - why not go out on dates in public places and have lighthearted fun?