MAJOR update: a success story (and need some guidance on what to do next!)

[LittleMadmoiselle]

HEY ENA!

 

 

It's 6 weeks later and I HAVE to post an update. My original thread on the start of my ex reestablishing contact back in January can be found here. It'll give you the background

 

I apologize if this is LONG (I have questions at the end if you wanna skip past it), but I trust this will be a hopeful story for both my ex and me and all the rest of you out there. And...I think I still need some guidance from those of you who've been here before...!

 

******

 

My ex kinda dropped the ball a month ago on our plans to see a movie. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks after we chatted about it. I didn't text him about it and left the ball in his court. Slow, but steady. And I kept busy and felt fine. I've been confident and patient and working on my own "stuff".

 

All of the sudden, 2 weeks ago he texted late on a weekend night. It was a completely unnecessary text, but he asked if I ever got to watch a separate movie we both wanted to see last year when we were dating (it was a "bonding" item for us back then). I said no, and he told me that everytime he wanted to go see it, he thought of me...so he never saw it. He then proceeded to apologize for not getting back to me on our present movie plans and explained why he had been out of the loop (long story short: his answers were valid, trust me - I don't put up with much BS nowadays). He said if I did still want to try to get together, he'd love to, but understood if I didn't want to. He was being sincere, and I truly think he really put himself out there to get back in touch with me. I could have said no or turned him away, and I think he was preparing himself for that.

 

That coming weekend, I was throwing a party at my home. Since I figured that would be an easy way to meet up, I told him about it, and he said he'd try to come. He continued texting me every day that week. I sincerely doubted that he WOULD come, because he was A. opening a show (we are in the arts field) that same evening B. it would be the first time we'd seen each other in 8 months and C. MANY mutual friends would be there that had ALSO not seen him for the same amount of time, since he cut himself off from all of us during what he was going through last year. I assumed he'd feel extremely nervous about coming with all those factors swimming around.

 

But he did. He skipped the after-party of his own opening night to come.

 

I was shocked, but was accomodating, light, and cool. Just as I figured, our mutual friends pounced on him to catch up. Most of my girlfriends attended, and they all separately told me later on that any time I'd wander in and out of the room, he'd stop his conversation and train his eyes over to me. He tried to stay by my side all night long. But I had a party to host, and I continued being the social butterfly. LOL

 

And then...as fate would have it...I started feeling very sick about 2 hours later. I later found out that I had food poisoning. Can you believe it?? What a crock!

 

I went to another room to lay down and told everyone I was fine, not to worry about me, but my ex came in and told me he wanted to make sure I was ok. Even at my request that he go out and enjoy the party, he said he'd rather stay in the room with me. He got me water and helped me when I was sick. UGH. The things you do for people you care about....I hope(!)

 

So please keep in mind: my ex is NOT the pursuing/"guy's guy" type, and would absolutely never take advantage of me or anyone else in any kind of situation. Long story short - we started chatting and catching up on what we'd missed over the last several months, and I got the chance to tell him how sincerely WELL and happy I have been, and that I truly believe everything worked out for the best with us. We needed to go our own separate ways and on our own paths to really WORK on the things that we needed to fix in the first place (things that really had nothing to do with the other person - just our own selves). I truly believe I've changed my mindset/thinking on things, and worked on the things that *I* know helped contribute to the demise of our relationship as well. Couldn't have done that in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter.

 

We talked for hours, after everyone else had started to leave, and he stayed the night with me until I started feeling better. After that, we realized through our all-night talk that our feelings for each other were still intact, and we ended up being affectionate with each other. *Not* sex. But still very sincere, passionate, and of the utmost respect. He stayed through the morning. Before he left, he exclaimed, "We just fit so WELL together" and told me how much he'd missed me. Big move on his part (being the shy, quiet type).

 

When he had to leave for work, I kept things light, and later in the day (after we'd finally gotten sleep) he texted again to see how I was feeling. I've heard from him every day this past week except for the last 24 hours. All initiated by him. He has mentioned getting together to catch up on our original plans, now that his previous commitments out of town/with family are over.

 

So I'm *guessing* we're on the path towards reconciliation. Before I saw him, I figured it would be under different circumstances that we'd see each other again. But honestly, my gut told me to go with it that night. I trust him completely and know he wasn't taking advantage of me. He also has not been with anyone since we broke up. I know he's working on the things HE needs to. Also, we are both planning on moving to the same city at the exact same time. Weirdly enough, we planned this before the events of the last couple of weeks.

 

I am SO worried about taking things too fast though. I guess I want to ask:

 

 

* When you reconciled with your ex, how often did you two keep in contact? Were there in-between periods? I know I have NOT won the battle yet. I know there's a lot of work ahead and that we have to start on a new foundation. This is hard, since we both automatically want to revert and revisit the things that united us in the first place. I need help with this.

* Are there definite signs/red flags I should be looking out for?

* Can you recommend how to keep being PATIENT? Boy, that's something I'm still working on. I am not the texting-8-times-a-day-just-to-say-hi type at all. *But* I've found I've gotten a little nervous not hearing back from him right away, even though he's been starting 80% of the conversations we've had. Bad me!

 

Thank you guys SO, SO much for all of your advice and suggestions and thoughts. If it weren't for ENA and the steps I've taken after reading so many thoughtful, positive posts and truly getting *myself* back first, I question if this would have been as successful.

[dre760]

Wow. Always makes me feel good to read a success story. No it is not a sealed deal yet, but from what you say, it sounds like you guys have a great shot at reconciling. Now I have not been in your situation before, (hopefully someday I am) but he has basically given you all of the signs that he wants you back. The only advice I can give you is to not rush into things. When you get back together, (which it sounds like you probably are) take things extremely slow and tread carefully. Jumping back into the relationship quickly will cause the old problems to stir up again.

 

Very inspirational story. Please keep us updated and Good Luck!

[jmr19114425]

Sounds like you are on the road to success...There is no blueprint for Patience (this is something I am trying to learn myself)...Just have to take it one day at a time...

Don't stress or trip out if he is not getting back to you right away...

 

I would just continue to build and take it slowly and let it develop. Don't rush things.

Sounds like you will seal the deal soon enough, but like I said, let it develop. ..

[GunSlinger]

Nice story. I can only say the same thing, take things slow. And believe me, I know how hard it is to be patient and keep your cool. I am in a similar situation, although my girlfriend and I have not gotten this far yet.

She broke up with me about a month ago because she couldn't cope with me and her kids (from a previous marriage), joined custody and everything. She said it was just too much for her to fit us all in. I kept my cool and agreed with the break up (even though inside I wanted to cry). The next day she sends me an email saying that she's having second thoughts. I cut off all contact. About 2 weeks later she calls me "just to hear my voice". We start casually talking/texting. At one point she tells me she missed me. I still keep my guard up. It's been 4 days now since our last contact and I am going crazy. But I promised myself I would not initiate contact now, because I did it the last 3 times. I feel that she gave me very positive signs, but now nothing for 4 days.. Patience is tough, let me tell you, but I think it's the best thing to do, both in your situation and mine... I hope most of you agree. I truly wish you guys make up soon. Good luck

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Gunslinger, I totally feel for you and sincerely, STRONGLY believe you are doing the right thing.

 

Just know this: even though you're not hearing from the other person, that does not necessarily mean they aren't thinking about you and going through a lot in their OWN head at the same time. Let them figure themselves out. It is the best, most loving thing you can do for them.

 

Also - because of how you handled the breakup, I bet you're hearing from her faster AND in a much better position than most of us around here who did the whole begging/crying/pleading thing. I sure did.

 

And also, after all of this...I firmly believe that if we had gotten back together a month, two months, even three months after our breakup...we would have crashed and burned. We really needed the time apart. In my opinion, a month may be too soon, especially if there's some important "life" stuff to sort out.

 

Hang in there, buddy. And keep us updated.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

** Was also wondering from those of you out there who have gone through the process of reconciliation (lately or in the past) about timespan. What's slow? What's too fast? Does it just depend on the situation?

 

And I know every relationship has their ups and downs, but when you were "reconciling", how often did you hear from your ex? Did you continue to let them make most of the effort with contact/etc. until you were "officially" back together? Or did you meet them halfway?

 

Would love to hear some opinions/suggestions/experiences. Thx!!

[GunSlinger]

About the timespan... It really depends, each relationship is unique, the people involved are unique, and it wouldn't be right to set a certain number of days as something that is applicable to all situations. However, all relationships share common traits and the approach we are discussing - to take things slow - applies here. What is slow, what is too fast? You have to use your best judgment here.

 

I do think that you should let THEM make most of the effort to reconcile. You have MOVED ON, if they want you back, let them work for it.

 

My update... My gf called again after 4 days. I kept the conversation brief, about 5 minutes, and I let her do most of the talking. I told her that I was on my way to see a friend (which was actually true), and ended the conversation. She basically called to see what I'd been up to in the last few days. Nothing major.

 

My dilemma is... if this goes on for too long - do I tell her straight up that I am not interested in friendship, or do I just continue being aloof and not available and let my actions do the talking...

[uncomfynumb]

Here is my take...

 

You can't ignore and not talk about the issues that you broke the two of you up in the first place. Sounds to me like he was unsure of his feelings then and he very well could be now. So while other people would advise to take it slow, put no pressure on him, yada, yada, yada and start over, I don't think you can start over. You can to a certain extent but you can't erase and rewrite. It will always be there as it was.

 

I believe that if a woman is not clear on what she wants and expects from a man, then he will not be either. He can just as easily slide back into a friendship or a friends with benefits situation or even dating again and while it may seem like something to you, will still be what it is to him, a relationship with no real commitment.

 

So while you can wonder all day what it is he wants, you can also take the guesswork out of the picture. It is not easy to talk about the relationship, the past and the problems and it is scary to bring them up because in the back of your mind, bringing these to the surface again is likely to run him off again. But if you don't, you are likely to be right back in the same situation that were in before.

 

Bottom line is that you take the risk and if they run, they are not the one for you, they were not that into you or the relationship in the first place and you are better off without them.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Definitely needed to hear that. Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to offer your two cents!

 

I kind of wish we would have had a simpler "catching-up" meeting when we first saw each other again, as that's what most people would advocate...but the fact that he kept in touch all this past week reiterates to me that it was "ok" I went with my gut and took the risk last weekend.

 

 

As for your situation, allow me to be a bit blunt on this one: I would go into NC. I would tell her it's best for both of you right now to not be friends or in contact, since she has her own family/life stuff to get through, and you do too, and that the healthiest decision is to separate and figure that out individually. Tell her you think it's best for you *both*.

 

If you look at it that way, it's a win/win situation. In "getting-her-back" terms, it will speed things up because she'll be cut off from her comfort zone and be naturally forced to take care of her own stuff. She'll *hopefully* "figure out" things faster. And as for you...in the absolute worse case scenario, it'll speed up the process of moving on.

 

What do you think?

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Thanks for your input, I do appreciate it and take it to heart.

 

I know my ex is pretty timid and extremely respectful about relationships (I know his background, and since it's a bit too detailed and private to discuss on the forum, just take my word for it...!). He is not the FWB type. I am not sure if I discussed it in full in my original post, but we *did* discuss some of the things that led to the deterioration of our relationship last year. Some of it was me (mostly what we talked about last weekend). Bottom line with that aspect: I am in a much different place/mindset than I was, and realize what I did that was wrong/clingy.

 

This is NOT to say he doesn't share part of the blame, either. Yes, he was going through a depression caused by outside influences that weren't necessarily his fault, but people go through things and stay together with their partners all the time. He chose to end it. Not cool, but I think he just didn't know how to deal with what he was feeling. I am open to the fact that yes: he could have been questioning his feelings on commitment with me. That's why I'm pulling back now and letting him take the initiative.

 

At this present time, I feel that I've shown my hand, and now I'm going to go back to my life/activities as they were before these recent events. He knows where to find me, he has an idea of where my feelings are. *BUT* I guess I'm just conflicted with taking the initiative once in a while as well. He suggested activities last week that he wanted to pursue with me. I'm guessing I should allow him to follow up on them...?

 

This process is hard, because I don't want him thinking I'm not willing to try to work on this on MY end. But since I know I've solved *my* issues and not 100% dead certain he's worked on his (but I have a fairly good idea he has, of course!)...I'm trying to figure out how to ease into this....

 

Thanks, you guys!!!

[uncomfynumb]

He knows where to find me, he has an idea of where my feelings are. *BUT* I guess I'm just conflicted with taking the initiative once in a while as well. He suggested activities last week that he wanted to pursue with me. I'm guessing I should allow him to follow up on them...?

 

This process is hard, because I don't want him thinking I'm not willing to try to work on this on MY end. But since I know I've solved *my* issues and not 100% dead certain he's worked on his (but I have a fairly good idea he has, of course!)...I'm trying to figure out how to ease into this....

 

Thanks, you guys!!!

 

To answer you question, I guess you handle it like you did when you first started dating since you are in essence starting over.

 

I've never started over so to speak. I've always picked up where I left off so I don't really have experience here. Since I'm single, we know how that worked out!

 

Here is the big problem that I have. I, and I am speaking just for me, can't start over. If there is an issue there, and there is if two people broke up, that issue has got to be resolved before things can move forward. See how I said move forward. You can't really start over. You can start again, but not over.

 

What did you and your ex or whatever he is now, agree upon together on how the relationship will be handled? Are you dating? Exclusive? Just taking things slow? What?

 

You see, IMO you should already have the answers to these questions before you start again. And if you don't have the answers, I guess you keep doing what you were before because that seemed to work.

 

This might be a topic for a new thread where by we might get some expert advice because I just don't have it.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

When we first started dating, I took the initiative on some things.

 

I am a very outgoing person, and he is a bit more on the shy side. He admitted I was intimidating at first, so he didn't know if I liked him or not. Once he found out I did, he completely relaxed. Very shy, very cute.

 

At this point, I know he knows I still am attracted to him, as evidenced by our get-together last weekend. And I know the same about him. I also know he does sincerely still care for me. Very much.

 

On my part, these are the things that led to the breakup:

*Clinginess (I basically kept making assumptions privately and TO him that he would leave me, just as my emotionally abusive ex had done before, and I took this out on him a bit).

*I went through a few pretty strenuous events in a 4-week timespan towards the end of our relationship. All I was doing was talking about them and relying on him for comfort. Although couples are meant to and SUPPOSED to help each other through things, I shouldn't have used him as my full-time therapist

*Time: we had completely separate schedules for the last month of our relationship as well.

 

This is what led to him telling me he "wasn't sure" what was going on in his head - that he still cared about me very much, but felt he needed to take care of his own things first, and wanted to remain friends. He proceeded to cut everyone off and throw himself into work. He didn't date anyone else, so I know it wasn't "GIGS". On his end, he was dealing with:

*Controlling family situation - major stress. Like I said, won't go into details, but all in all: once he moves out (we are both trying to relocate to the same area for work this year), I believe MOST of this will dissipate and disappear. I think a lot of it has led to other problems in his life as well. To move out finally is a BIG step for him, because I talked about it when we broke up, and he was not in any frame of mind or action to move out then. (He's even insinuating we and other mutual friends all move in together...oh boy, don't know if that's a good idea yet!)

*Jampacked schedule - we tried and tried to see each other for the last few weeks of our relationship, and with school/work/family commitments getting in the way, it was getting to be impossible.

*This lead to a depression on his part. And how can you healthily assist with someone else's problems when you're trying hard to deal with your own..?

 

I am, in temperament, the same person I was when we started dating. HOWEVER, my inner thoughts and mechanisms have changed up quite a bit. I completely agree with you and understand exactly what you mean - yes, people can start over, but they're really not.

 

We haven't agreed on anything yet...we're easing back into talking to/seeing each other again. He has been contacting me pretty regularly since the beginning of the year, so it *has* gradually led up to the point we came to last weekend. Now that we've admitted we've missed each other very much and are still attracted to each other, I'm not sure what'll happen. Like I said, he's not a FWB type. And he's not a person to mess around.

I'm hoping that if we just continue to chat and see each other more and more, I'll get a better idea of where he's at and take it from there....

 

Does that make sense..?

[uncomfynumb]

Hey girl. Yes it all makes sense, and thanks for clarifying. How old are you guys?

 

My BF broke up with me over stress, what is it with men and stress? See I think it is an excuse because there is either a deeper issue going on than that OR they are just not that into you, or enough to keep it going. My ex is also a little bit shy and I know he is not screwing around. I'm a much bigger ho than he is and that is not saying much!

 

That said, and after reading all that you wrote, I would say to let him intitate more and take the lead and just keep doing what you are doing.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Mid-20's.

 

I am hedging on betting that there is a bigger issue with the "stress" thing in my case, because if he just "wasn't that into me", I highly doubt he would have kept in LC and that we would have experienced the events of the last few months, especially those of last week.

 

I think my stresses added to his stresses and it came to a point where we just couldn't make it work out at the time.

 

I'm a much bigger ho than he is and that is not saying much!

 

I think I just fell off my chair laughing. LMAO. I couldn't identify with you more! LOL!!!!!

[LittleMadmoiselle]

I hope I can come back to this thread and chronicle what happens with this. I have to say: this past week has been really terrible with family/job issues, so I honestly can't think straight right now in am emotional sense. I guess I need some positive support and feedback.

 

I know my ex was away on business this past weekend (btw, totally trust him on everything. Like I said, he's a good guy!). He got in touch with me Sunday night and was really tired, but still did. I didn't get in touch with him yesterday and figured I'd wait for him to contact me. Ended up being the only day we haven't chatted in some form since all this happened the weekend before last. (He continued to intiate most of the contact, btw).

 

 

 

I guess I'm just starting to feel a little worried that he'll back off for some reason if he thinks I'm not interested enough. And I *AM*. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm feeling mad at myself for already getting a little anxious. There's no reason to, and I guess I just need reassurance from some of you on this board that have gone through this process of reconciliation (i.e. CoolChick, TiredTiger, etc...) that this process is SLOW and I have to be PATIENT.

 

I really would like to ask him to hang out sometime this week and catch up on the things we were planning to do...but I'm still wondering if I should sit back and let him continue to take the initiative. (This isn't what I did when we first started dating. I made a lot of the plans and things happened naturally because we were working on a project together, which is how we met).

 

I don't want to play games, but I also don't want to be clingy/put pressure on/etc.

 

I recognize I have the tendency to get a little obsessive/controlling over situations. Not so much TO the person themselves, but in my own mind. If that makes sense. And it probably ended up subconsciously taking a toll on my interactions with my ex. I think about things WAY too much and cause trouble in my own head when there really isn't any to begin with. That is something I'm continuing to really work on that evolved from my previous relationship to an emotionally abusive/cheating ex. What a pain. I took it out on my recent ex here and there and didn't realize it at the time. I was just constantly afraid he'd leave me. Now, I realize how uncool it was for him...and I don't want to revert back to that. It's not his fault.

 

Not sure if this the old-fashioned part of me coming out and just wanting HIM to keep up the contact, or just anxiousness caused by ouside factors that have popped up this past week in other areas of my life (it's been a really tough week at my job...well, moreso than usual!) and wanting this to happen faster than it should. I'm not sure.

 

I guess I'm seeing so many of the posts on here that advocate not working on reconciling/taking someone back unless they come back FULL force and say, "I made a mistake, I WANT YOU BACK!" and getting a little worried. That didn't necessarily happen in my case. We just acknowledged that our lives are in a different place at this point, and what a good thing that is. And that we still have feelings for each other...

 

Thanks for letting me get this out. I would love to hear some more thoughts or feedback. I would love to hang out with him this week, but wondering if I should continue to let him make plans.

 

Thanks you guys!!!!!

[uncomfynumb]

I guess I'm just starting to feel a little worried that he'll back off for some reason if he thinks I'm not interested enough. And I *AM*. I don't know what to do.

 

Sweety, you have got to be able to talk to this man and you have got to be able to be yourself in this relationship otherwise what have you got?

 

I guess I'm seeing so many of the posts on here that advocate not working on reconciling/taking someone back unless they come back FULL force and say, "I made a mistake, I WANT YOU BACK!" and getting a little worried. That didn't necessarily happen in my case. We just acknowledged that our lives are in a different place at this point, and what a good thing that is. And that we still have feelings for each other...

 

And see, that is what is to be appreciated about getting back after NC rather than LC. You are right, with NC, if handled correctly, when the ex comes back there is no question where their heart and head is so it eliminates a lot of the insecurity and anxiety that you are feeling now.

 

Oh well, now that you are here, you essentially have two choices: One is to talk to him and the other is to play the aloof game that so many here seem to advocate and see if he pursues you. And you are going to have to get a handle on this insecurity because men can smell it from a mile away...

 

Also, you might want to look at my thread in the breakup section called the 8 week challenge. There is some interesting stuff in there about the way that men think and work that may help you. And it is based upon years of research by a well known psychologist, and not some people experimenting on a forum.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Alright. I got that crap out there last night, and I'm feeling MUCH better today. Thank you, uncomfy! Let me share some stuff:

 

I'm realizing how very, very important is to distinguish between my ego/fear and my intuition on this and other things in my life. I am letting fear get in the way of this and the old patterns I've lived by all throughout my dating years are trying to pop up.

 

I'm glad it's happening and I'm REALIZING it, so I can effectively squash them down.

 

I believe he wouldn't have resurfaced if I hadn't been consistently, sincerely working on this. And I'm going to continue to do so.

 

NO other ex in my past has come back like this. And since I was operating in such a positive state of mind, and he continues to be around...I think he is operating from a positive sense as well.

 

To clarify, I actually went into full NC in October. Completely stopped contacting him, blocked him, etc. For ME to heal. And then, three months later, he came back completely on his own accord. Not knowing where I was or anything. Maybe he's trying to figure me out, as well...?? What do you think?

 

Ah - also found out today that he's been extremely sick since the weekend. I know how I get when I'm sick. EXTREMELY GRUMPY. I was in the same boat last week and knew I didn't even want to see him at all because I felt like such crap. I've had no energy and he's got the same bug: so I know what he's going through.

 

We talked quite a bit today and moaned about the woes of being sick and not being able to go out...so I'm going to relax for now and know everything's cool. Just gotta take it slow. I'm also feeling a lot better about initiating - if it feels ok in my gut and with my intuition and isn't coming from a place of fear/control/etc....I think it's totally ok, and if it's not, then he's just not ready or it's not meant to be right now.

 

Does that make sense?

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Going to post a followup for the end of the week, since I've been requested to by a few people...WOW! You guys really care! Pretty cool!

 

Aaaaand, I don't have much to update with, but things are good. I know he *wants* to see me but we've both been pretty wrapped up with work all week into this weekend. On top of that, he's been really sick (same nasty thing that's going around that EVERYONE seems to have right now!). I know how guys get when they're sick sometimes....

 

I'm keeping positive and just remembering it has a better chance of working out if it's taken slow.

[Hopelives]

\\ happy for you keep up the positive attitude!!

[minou]

Sounds like it's really coming along nicely. Keep up the good attitude. Remember how valuable you are and worth holding onto.

[lavenderdove]

Do you have any idea whether he actually wants to date you again, or whether he just is reaching out because he needs a friend?

 

You have to be really careful not to get too far ahead of yourself here, because you will be crushed if you let yourself assume he wants to date you when he only wants a friend.

 

Remember, a relationship is not a delicate souffle where if you open the oven to check on it everything collapses. He's not a scared little bunny you are trying to coax inside either, and he shouldn't be treated like one. He should be treated like an equal and a partner, where you can talk about things and work any differences out.

 

So you need to ask him if what he wants right now is a friend, or whether he is interested in dating you again. A very simple question, and it takes one second to ask it. Then you will know where his head is and where to proceed from there. If he says he wants to date you again, then good, you can relax, but if he said he wants to just be friends, then you need to put the brakes on and start dating other guys rather than obsessing about him.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Hi guys, so I wanted to post an update. I think I need some help, as things have progressed further.

 

We've seen each other in person a few times since my last post, and have been in contact frequently the entire time. A few weeks ago, he came to my place of work out of the blue, and we stayed out with mutual friends all night long catching up and talking again.

 

Last night I had a get-together at my house for work friends (people he knows, and hadn't seen in a while). He showed up really early; we all had a blast the entire night. He had to go to work early this morning but chose to stay and talk after everyone had left. We pounced on each other, one thing led to another, and....yeah.

 

Now, I know I'm going to get flamed for this, and I welcome it. I was going to wait for it until I was in a committed, full-fledged relationship again. However, our contact and reconnection with each other has gently increased for almost 5 months now, and before I got into the swing of things last night, I thought pretty darn hard about it, and my gut said to go for it. I knew it was going to get that point anyway. In many ways, my ex is very effeminate in his emotions and relationships with people. I know it was not a "thanks, got what I wanted, SEE YA!!!" kind of encounter. And I made sure it wasn't.

 

We talked in the midst of things, and he kept saying he wanted to make sure "I was ok", and told me how much he cared about me. I brought up that I'd be "ok" if I had a better idea of what we were "going for" (so hopefully I get a point for that one!).

 

I explained to him that I was in a much different position and mindset than I was when we broke up, which he agreed with, and said he was, too. I let him know my feelings and that I wasn't just doing this with anyone, and explained my fears about jumping into something too quickly. He told me he is not seeing or interesting in seeing anyone right now, and that he hadn't since the breakup (which he'd already told me a few months back). For the record, I know he's telling the truth.

 

I asked him what he was expecting or wanting from this. I told him I didn't want to put pressure on him, but I wanted us BOTH to feel safe and secure in what we were doing, and therefore, I needed a better idea. In a nutshell, he basically conveyed that he has feelings for me but is worried about what to do next. He is in the middle of figuring out moving/going back to school and is not sure where he's going to be. And feels it might be unfair to go into something if he doesn't have the time to take care of me how he wants to. In truth, our schedules are extremely hectic at this point in time. We are in a career field that requires a lot of traveling and long hours. However, I think once a stronger foundation is built...it can work.

 

As far as what he told me....I know...I'd see someone else write that, and I'd squeal out, "What a crock! What a line!" But something hit me last night, and I think I may have touched on it in a previous post in this thread or earlier ones: I think he views relationships extremely seriously, especially with his religious beliefs. He has been in one serious relationship before. I may have been painting myself too casually in order to protect my own feelings. I know this is generally a "BS" line guys give when they're "just not that into you", but I feel and believe he does have strong feelings, and is letting outside perceptions of his family/his own worries about where he's going in life cloud over this.

 

Since this is the same thing that preempted the breakup on his end, this is definitely the problem that needs to be worked out. And after getting some of what lavenderdove and uncomfynumb advised to talk about out in the open last night, I will have an easier time with communication skills hopefully after this development.

 

I've worked a lot of my own relationship problems, and now I see that this is what he needs to work out too. I have been reading through Al Turtle's site, especially the "clingers vs. avoiders" article and the "mirroring" techniques, and that's what I'm trying to employ here. It's been a huge, great lesson for me.

 

Therefore, I don't want to be intimate with him again, because I do believe we're still on a good path and intimacy will just stall things. It's probably not healthy, even though I actually think it *did* bond us even closer since it gave us the right time to talk and rediscover things about each other that "worked" in the first place. I know that he is the type that bonds through that kind of attachment, but it seems like the majority really doesn't advocate going in that direction, and I see why.

 

I greatly, lovingly appreciate any thoughts or suggestions on how to handle things from here. By the way, he contacted me off and on all day today after our time last night, and is planning on getting together sometime this week.

 

Thanks you guys. I couldn't have made progress in myself or in this without your help.

[adviseseeker]

I have a question, when was the initial breakup? Oh haha nevermind I found it.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Yeah...quite a while ago. Thoughts...?

[jasper01]

If you learned about mirroring and boundaries, you could gradually start revisiting all the negative stuff that happened when you were together the first time and validate it. "was thinking about when we were , be curious to hear at some point what was going on for you" etc.

 

That stuffs still there, and going to come up again. Unless you deal with it, you'll be back to the leaving thing.

 

But great progress!