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What qualities do men have who are ready for long-term relationships that may lead to marriage?


PrincessBOT

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I have had two 4 year and one 1 1/2 year relationships and none of EXs had either another long term relationship that I know of or got married. I just realized this. Am I picking men that don't want to commit or am I making them that way? Knowing this, how in the world am I suppose to trust my own judgment in who I decide to get into a relationship?

 

What qualities do men have who are ready for long-term relationships that may lead to marriage?

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Your ex's may just not have met someone they really wanted to be in a relationship with..doesn't have to mean they are commitment phobes. Also, be very careful in the assumption that people who get married are actually ready for marriage or even ready for commitment. Many commitment phobes get married...they get married for image, social standing, to not be alone, to have children, because the other person has money...the list goes on...but once married they have little emotionaly connection to their partner or the couple may live separate lives and just put on a good show for public consumption. I know of plenty of marriages in which the couples lead separate lives and are completely disconnected from each other..very often one wants the connection and the other doesn't so eventually the one who did just chooses to accept "that's the way it is" and stays in the marriage for convenience purposes.

 

So it is difficult to spell out what qualities a man has that would make him ready for a long-term relationship that may lead to marriage...because very often the quality is nothing more than the decision that it is time to get married.

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So it is difficult to spell out what qualities a man has that would make him ready for a long-term relationship that may lead to marriage...because very often the quality is nothing more than the decision that it is time to get married.

 

Very well said...

 

it is mindboggling sometimes when i see so many people..men.. who appeared to be totally ready to commit and afterwards decide to cheat or otherwise disengage from the relationship.

 

I completely understand the OP's question as well..having survived a terrible break up..and finally in a new place..there is still some insecurity there about the quality of my own personal judgement regarding men and detecting the sincere ones. Will i be able to prevent the same mistakes from happening again?..

 

i dont know..maybe not...maybe i will. I guess the only way to be 'more sure or certain' is to allow yourself some time to get to know someone. But people can change....you can never control the change of a person's sincerity down the road.

 

I can only say to stay focused on the person that you are inside, grant yourself the time to get to know someone,and trust that whatever happens in that tricky but also wonderful road of love..that you are strong enough to take on new paths..if the man you chose turned out to be the wrong one..

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I don't think that there's exactly a quality that a man has that show they are ready for something serious.

 

Some guys feels they are ready when they find the right girl for them, or they feel they are at a point in their lives where they want something more.

 

It's pretty difficult to figure them out, until they tell you so. Yes, some guys do come out and say that they want to settle down.

 

Trusting you own judgment? -

Nothing in life is guaranteed, and the same goes for relationships. This is the risk you're going to have to take. Just because a man is ready to settle down, doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship will work out completely. There could be other factors within the relationship that makes you feel that this isn't the right one for you.

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I think some red flags I saw with my ex in retrospect were that at 39 he didn't have a stable income (he was a lawyer running a struggling small-town solo practice that was pulling in just barely enough to break even) or property of his own (he lived with his dad). In order to commit, he would have had to make a huge number of life changes, which made the transition that much more daunting. He started making them--he started applying for more stable jobs, etc. but I think all the change was a bit much, and I think that had to do with him bolting. Maybe someone's financial stability can be an indicator of the place he is at emotionally? I don't know.

 

I guess to summarize, he always told me he liked living like a teenager. The thing is, that lifestyle is incompatible with married life. So maybe an indicator that someone is serious is that his lifestyle is already compatible with being married? Again, I don't know.

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My mother always says that if I am looking to get married, become the type of woman a man would want to meet. I'm not completely sure what that means, but it's food for thought. I've known guys who dated one woman for years, even sometimes living and having children with the woman then marrying another woman. I guess they just felt it was either time or the woman was the one.

 

I guess the quality men ready to get married have are those wanting a relationship built on more than sex. It also has to be at the right time. Having said that, not all guys who have long term relationships want marriage.

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I've been in two LTRs ( 5 and 7 years ), and came close but never married either woman. The main reason why I did not want to marry was compatibility.

 

If I had to sum it up, I think it all boils down to the question: "Is life better with your partner in your life, and does your partner feel the same about you?"

 

With my first LTR, she left me because I was too stupid to realize that she had a serious mental health issue that she refused to get treatment for. ( In the end she told me that she was so messed up that she could not be in a relationship with anyone ) For a while I had hopes of us getting married.

 

With my second LTR, I left her because we wanted very different things from our relationship. She was smart, beautiful, talented ( she's a surgeon ), but she had a low sex drive, she was not physically affectionate, she hated anything romantic, and she was never playful with me or anyone else. My family really wanted us to get married, but I knew I would never be happy with her, so I took a few months to think things over ( talked to all of my male and female friends ) and finally broke up with her. She tried to get back with me four times over the next year, and finally moved to another city to put distance between us.

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"Is life better with your partner in your life, and does your partner feel the same about you?"

 

So true. This is exactly how I think about every prospective man as well. This is also one of the reasons, I'm glad that things didn't work out with most Indian men that I met. I have to be good at housekeeping, I have to provide sex (well, I'm getting sex in return also, so we'll let that go), I have to earn an income and contribute to the household, I've to look good, I've to have kids (whether I want them or not), I've to see to it that they are ahead at school and are neat and don't wander off (because afterall its my responsibility as a mother). What exactly is the benefit of being married then? Its only more responsibility than anything else. All to meet some societal standard, have a steady supply of sex with 1 partner (though sex in marriage is a joke, everyone knows that), and to have kids (to give them a stable home). Is life really that better after getting married? I'm not so sure anymore. I guess, it depends on who you marry.

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What qualities do men have who are ready for long-term relationships that may lead to marriage?

 

 

I think there is a wisdom that can come from a series of failed/disastrous relationships.

 

I think men are like women in that sometimes, they reach a point where they stop looking for a fantasy partner and become more flexible in their vision of what they're looking for. Some call it settling, I prefer to call it an awakening of sorts.

 

I think generally speaking, men who are ready to get married show you their intentions in unmistakeable ways. They call when they say they will; make plans in advance to take you out; ask you out regularly rather than randomly; ask you to date them exclusively rather than acting flaky when you raise the subject; etc.

 

Of course there are always exceptions. But in general I think when you've met the one, ideally you would be getting very clear and consistent signals from him that he is serious about you.

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I appreciate you opening up and asking such a personal question. It is disheartening to form meaningful relationships with people only for it to not work out in the end.

 

The thing I've come to realise, is that it's not enough to look for characteristics, or traits in people who I think would fit into specific categories. I've tried in the past too, only to realise that nobody can be generalised to this extent. The only way I've found which works is to ask myself, "What is this person really looking for," "What is important to her?" and "What makes her happy?" "What does she really want?" And to know this it takes a little getting to know the person, and seeing from their points of view. Is it a lifestyle? Security? Companionship? A fling? Something short term? Some idealistic prince? Some girls I never get to find out.

 

What I'm saying is, if what your men wanted wasn't what you could offer, or what you wanted, then the relationship wouldn't last. And people's needs/wants change too over time. Which means somethings just don't work out. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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There's a whole list of traits like this in Paul Dombransky's The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. It's how to tell if a man has mature boundaries with neither holes nor walls that allows him to become interdependent in a committed relationship instead of dependent (holes) or independent (walls).

 

Signs of readiness to commit include:

 

1. He has a strong sense of identity with specific tastes and preferences

2. He is accountable for his own tastes and preferences but does not force them on others

3. He does not suffer over things he does not control but works around the limitations of others

4. He doesn't let anyone tell him how to think, believe or feel

5. He doesn't tell anyone what to think, believe, do or feel

6. He keeps his privacy and would rather tell you "that's private" than lie

7. He respects the privacy of others

8. He tells the truth when others face their bad behavior

9. He doesn't want to be your therapist, daddy or banker. He wants to be your partner.

 

Signs of immaturity and inability to commit include:

 

1. He always agrees with you and doesn't have his own preferences

2. He relies on you to tell him what to think, do, believe or feel

3. He is so independent that he won't tell you anything about himself

4. He thinks that admitting you are right means he is wrong

5. He cannot compromise and think that both or you are right in your own way

6. He lies instead of sometimes saying no to things he does not want to do

7. He feels responsible for all your thoughts, feelings and decisions, as if you were his daughter instead of your partner

8. He is often in denial and feels that your feelings, decisions and opinions are for him to decide alone

9. He cannot budget his money, time or health

 

I've also noticed that if a man lies to others about seemingly trivial things, or asks you to to tell little white lies to get out of things, he will likely lie to you later in the realationship. Also that if he treats people one way and then talks negatively about them behind their back to you, he will eventually do the same to you.

 

The question that I think is most telling is to ask him his version of why his previous relationship ended. Unless it makes very good sense to you, consider how you know this is not the way he will end it with you, if he does. Also notice the relationship he has with his ex(es). This is what he will expect of you, should he end it.

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