Epiphany!

[Mauxly]

For the longest time I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was so fundamentally flawed in some way that no matter how much a man fell for me, or told me that he loved me, that I was his world, he always left me. And they always did it in a horrible way, they cheated, they abandoned, they abused. I thought it was my fault, it crushed my self esteem. I lost faith in my ability to have true love.

 

However, I stayed ‘friends’ with the last few that did this, and I got to see them in their new relationships. They did the same exact thing to all of the women they dated after me.

 

So the problem isn’t me. Well, it is, yes, it is me..in a way. The problem is that I tend to be attracted to the broken winged birds: the ones who had horrible family lives, the ones who suffer. I know why, I have my own broken wing, I had a horrible family life, I have suffered. I can relate to them. It makes sense.

 

I’m starting to see a pattern here. This is an unscientific hypothesis, but what I’m beginning to believe is that women who come from broken/abusive homes tend to be co-dependent. We love too much, too fast, and we are all together too easy to forgive. Wait, I shouldn’t have used the word love. Instead we cling….we cling to a notion of security and call it love.

 

The men have the opposite problem. They fall into infatuation and call it love, but they don’t know how to communicate or to relate on a truly emotionally intimately way. Get too close, they run away. They’ve never been taught love or empathy. Bad behavior, abuse and abandonment are all they know. Of course they make their exit in the same way.

 

So now I need to change two things:

-No more broken winged birds. One is enough in a relationship.

-Learn how to love and not cling. I guess first I need to learn what love actually is. Maybe I’ve never really known it….

 

P.S. For the record, I don’t date crack heads or obvious losers (alcoholic/drugs addicts) on the surface these guys look great. College degrees, mostly professionals, all highly intelligent.

 

P.P.S – If I check and respond to this, I’ll be doing it on my mobile, so forgive any misspellings/typos. The thing is really hard to type on.

[MACaddict]

I love this post...not the part where you had to be abandoned, abused, cheated on, not the horrible ways that some men treat others..but that you now know that all this is not your fault and that you now know who to look for in your future relationships..

 

Your post has described me as well. You put into words what I could have not till I read it. Thank you for posting it. I should paste and copy to my sister and she will applaud you. And me.

[bungalo]

Hey Trxy,

 

This website helped me link removed

I am codependent and pick the wrong partners-or the right ones if I am

looking at it from a healing perspective. Anyway, check it out. Bung

[mgirl]

Trxy,

 

Just today, i decided i want friendships and relationships based on mutual respect and positive things, rather than the clingy, co-dependent ones i usually have. In order to do this, i guess i have to work on myself. If i am no longer co-dependent or needy, then i shouldn't attract the same in others.

 

I aim to attract somebody who is comfortable within themselves and whom will receive my love, without the need to use it against me, or manipulate me with it. In other words, a well balanced person. I want a healthy relationship!

[AutumnBorn]

Wow. That's amazing. It's almost as if you'd been observing my marriage.

 

My ex told me he'd never felt passion for me or anyone else. That's when I really knew it was over. I wanted to be loved deeply, passionately, just as I am. He never did, never could. He thought passion was a sex act, but I believe he knew something was missing. Then he tried to say I didn't have passion for him either - until I pointed out all the things I did that showed my passion for him. He didn't recognize those things as an act of deep love because he didn't know he was as emotionally flat as my bedroom paint. He didn't know that books, films, music were inspired by emotions that ran deeper, stronger than his. His heart has never raced at the sight of a woman he loved. Sad, isn't it?

 

For the record, I have normally dated geeks, doctors, lawyers. I recently met a blue collar man who is everything I'm really looking for in a man - extremely intelligent (has a degree in theology), kind, warm, thoughtful, well-read, opinionated, liberal...and he's so incredibly gorgeous my friends are freaking!

 

He said I'm not normally his type, but he hasn't liked anyone as much as he likes me in a long, long time. He likes that I ask about his history, what he likes to do, read, what he believes. I haven't let him spend a dime on me because I have to make 4x more than he since his construction business failed.

 

We've both stepped out of our comfort zone and it's really nice. This could be very, very good.

[Supercop]

Trxy

 

Thank you so much for the post. You are certainly not alone. You are singing my song completely.

 

I wish you all the best. I having been going through a breakup and I and my ex have the same EXACT issues you describe.

 

I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel when we can identify the reasons why we do the things we do.