How could your ex get YOU back?

[Keraron]

I would like to ask everyone here who dumped someone, how the ex you dumped could eventually get you back. What would make you fall in love with them again? What would make you decide to get back with them?

 

I ask this so that dumpees have some direct insight by dumpers.

 

Something I learned in the past year is empathy - knowing exactly how the other person feels, actually FEELING like the other person - and it is something very difficult to achieve, because often the other person doesn't reveal her/his true state of heart.

 

Let's use this forum to understand exactly the dumpers' point of view

[getbiii]

depends if you want them for a long term thing or just another day.

if you want them for good, love will bring u back.

but in other cases there might be some things you can pull off to get atenttion for some while...

[HouseKitten]

Nothing.

 

He's not the person I want to be with. That's all there is. We weren't a terrible couple, but we had some fundamental differences, and they weren't things you can change, they were very basic things that shouldn't have been overlooked in the first place.

 

The thing is, when someone leaves you, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You simply grow apart sometimes. You want different things, or you change and realise you want something different. In those situations you can't make someone love you again, because you haven't broken up because of an action or a deed, just because you weren't right anymore. It's extremely difficult to change that, especially if one of you has decided they've had enough.

[mandyc]

Nothing.

 

The thing is, when someone leaves you, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You simply grow apart sometimes. You want different things, or you change and realise you want something different. In those situations you can't make someone love you again, because you haven't broken up because of an action or a deed, just because you weren't right anymore. It's extremely difficult to change that, especially if one of you has decided they've had enough.

 

This exactly.

 

It doesn't mean I don't still care about that person on some sort of level but I don't think I could ever love them again. There is nothing that they did wrong, I just didn't think they were the right person for me.

 

I've had an ex that has contacted me months, and now years after a break up asking for a second chance and asking me to let him prove hiself to me. He is a great guy, and will make some lucky girl very happy, but no matter what he does that girl won't be me. I grew a lot from that relationship and loved him very much, but that phase in my life is over and I have moved on, I have a wonderful boyfriend now and no other man could take his place right now.

[quirky]

Dunno, there's been too much water under the bridge.

 

In my case it was a trust issue (not cheating) so he'd have to be very consistent and loving. Show interest in me, my life and my feelings. Also have a plan on how we can do things better. Since this is such a difficult task it's probably easier for him to do things right with a new partner.

[Cognitive_Canine]

If I regret dumping...it's my job to get them back. I'm the one that broke it, I have to fix it again.

[hexaemeron]

Not a thing. When I'm done, I'm done.

[lana111]

i dont think there is anything... that 'something' just wasnt there in both cases. maybe with my most recent one, we could be together if he became better at communicating and had a change of heart. still only a maybe though.

[Mauxly]

Nothing. I've lost any feeling toward him whatsoever. Funny, we are still friends on Facebook, I haven't deleted him because it is totally irrelivant to me and I don't want my friends to think there is drama.

 

Not angry, not bitter, nothing...nadda...

 

Yay!

[Agrajag]

There is nothing that they did wrong, I just didn't think they were the right person for me.

 

I've had an ex that has contacted me months, and now years after a break up asking for a second chance and asking me to let him prove hiself to me. He is a great guy, and will make some lucky girl very happy, but no matter what he does that girl won't be me. I grew a lot from that relationship and loved him very much, but that phase in my life is over and I have moved on, I have a wonderful boyfriend now and no other man could take his place right now.

 

But does he KNOW that's how you felt? In some period of NC did you decide that he just want's right for you.

 

Girls love their mind games. He wouldn't be coming back in any amount of time if it was clear to him you weren't budging on the fact you didnt' think he was right for you.

[comicgal]

A given: get rid of the girlfriend. Since she's works with him, i'm sorry, he'd have to quit his job. Change his phone number and get rid of texting on his phone. BUT THOSE ARE JUST THE OUTLIERS:

 

More than anything, he just needs to stop resenting things that happened in the past and learn to let go. Not bring up things that happened 5-10 years ago because they can't be fixed. Learn not to get angry and try to assess the situation before flying off the handle. He needs to learn how to say no. He needs to be more aggressive with his need/wants so he doesn't regret not doing them later.

 

He'd have to see a counselor for awhile before I go anywhere near him.

[bungalo]

I'd say if the person you dumped showed real lasting changes and growth without bitterness and was willing to forge a new relationhip, then it's possible to start again. But it has to be a brand new rel/ship and not rooted in the past or past problems.

[jmr19114425]

I'd say if the person you dumped showed real lasting changes and growth without bitterness and was willing to forge a new relationhip, then it's possible to start again. But it has to be a brand new rel/ship and not rooted in the past or past problems.

 

This is said with so much clarity. I totally agree - it would have to be a "clean" her and "clean" me and thus a NEW relationship, not going back to where we were or what we used to have. The past would be in the past.

[mrckc]

not the person i want to be with...we talked about it... and made a mutual decision that things will be better if go on our own and lead separate lives

[Shnoodle]

By trying.

[kvb10]

when i was the dumper... it's extremely highly unlikely that any of my exs could do anything to get me back. i left them, like someone else mentioned, not because they were bad people or did something wrong, but because we weren't right for each other and i didn't want or see a future together with them in a relationship.

 

in those situations though, the breakups were never because of another person or insecurities or anything.. it was just flat out that we weren't getting along as a couple and i didn't love them in that way anymore.

 

i don't have any ill feelings against anyone i've dumped. in fact, i have very positive feelings for them and hope they are doing really well and think of them fondly.

[MakestheBest]

He could be a different person. jk

 

If he made less of a mess of our relationship, stopped trivializing important things and was more honest about his emotions...also upped his dosage of therapy....umm not working!

[jimmajam]

I'd call most of your bluffs. I've seen way too many cases where people get this false sense of control where "once I'm done, I'm done..." The problem is that there was a reason you fell for that person in the first place. It can happen again and as soon as you see that again you'll be falling all over again. I think it's pretty harsh to think that way anyways.

 

My ex would just have to come to me with SERIOUS intentions of working things out. NO bull * * * * , no games, just talk about us and what went wrong and then move forward and get to know each other again. Like I said above, feelings, loves, things you liked about them are still there so no doubt if it's still there - things will happen.

[HouseKitten]

I'd call most of your bluffs. I've seen way too many cases where people get this false sense of control where "once I'm done, I'm done..." The problem is that there was a reason you fell for that person in the first place. It can happen again and as soon as you see that again you'll be falling all over again.... Like I said above, feelings, loves, things you liked about them are still there so no doubt if it's still there - things will happen.

 

Being able to say 'no, this relationship is done' is not about control, it's just recognition that the relationship has run it's course. It has been around 18 months since me and my ex split, and I can honestly say he could not win me back.

 

Now I'm not saying 'omg not even if he were the last man on earth' because in some ways you're right, there was attraction once and we obviously had some things in common. BUT assuming this is real life and not an apocalyptic scenario, I would not choose to go back to him. We broke up for a reason - just because there was once something there does not erase the things that went wrong.

 

Just because you once felt something for someone, does not mean you would therefore fall for them again eventually if they just tried real hard.

[shessofly]

there is absolutely nothing on this earth that my ex could do to get me back. way too much damage done.