Can anyone give me advice please

[paulod]

Hi, thanks for reading this, need advice and guidance as i'm lost at the moment Will try and keep this as short as I can, there is a lot but I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Met my now ex girlfriend at a works do about 2 1/2 years ago, straight away we hit it off, we were like two peas in a pod, used to hang out together as friends at first getting to know each other, we were very much attracted to each other but kept it cool for a bit (didnt kiss until about 2 months into us hanging out) so that we could get to know each other, soon became obvious that we were soulmates and wanted to be with each other for life..we started properly being a couple a few months after we met.

Couple of problems that will become apparent as I go on

X - (my ex) still lived at home with mum and dad, she was almost 30 at the time and had never been on her own two feet, her ex as far as I am aware was a nasty piece of work, and guys she seemed to meet were creeps etc (until me apparently)

Me - I got baggage coming out my ears! left home at 18, never looked back, got a child with an ex, a mortgage with another ex (who I couldn't get off) and a few debts (nothing major but debts all the same) what a catch am I eh!!

 

Problems started just over a year into the relationship, X (my ex) found some very old photo's of a previous ex on my laptop (just general ones, nothing seedy) she went mental! thought I was seeing someone else etc and what ended up becoming obvious in later arguments she seems to have an issue with my previous ex being black (X is Latina and I dated two black girls previously..never saw the problem, it's who the person is isn't it??) anyway a few months later X went snooping and found out that I had an ex on my mortgage that I didn't tell her about...( to be honest I got scared to tell her as I thought she's run a mile when we first met, my ex is only on there in name only so I could buy the house, nothing more, we'd split months before I met X.I tried to sort out the problem myself but couldn't at the time due to lack of money) so this led to all sorts of arguments, really major ones between us, the verbal I got from X made me feel ashamed and dirty about my previous relationships because she was feeling hurt and betrayed.

I tried to re-assure her constantly and even moved closer to her to show that I was committed to us (was a bad move money wise, I had to come back home after 3 months as I was getting into serious debt due to paying for two places) all through the arguing and the bad days we vowed to stick together and make it work, we planned a future together, looked for places to live, talked about kids, us growing old etc. Yes we had bad days about what happened but mostly very good days together planning us.

we went away on holiday October last year, before we went I made a promise to sort out the mortgage once and for all and get my previous ex off as I could now afford on my wage to pay off the negative equity of the house and have it transferred into sole ownership, so when we got back i did all the overtime I could, wore myself out constantly working and we started to spend more time apart, I wasn't coping very well, was stressed,was constantly being knocked back from the loan company about the mortgage and I started to become very depressed, started drinking heavily every day, became very paranoid that she was up to something and began to question her every move. It got to Christmas and we had a huge drunken fight, I thought that we'd made up but X had started to think about everything and her head was going into overtime, she retreated from me, I continued to drink more and more and was generally a drunken bitter idiot towards her until one day she ended it in Feb.

I was gutted! couldn't eat, sleep for a couple of weeks,but to be honest I knew that she'd done the right thing?? we needed a break from each other, I stopped drinking completely pretty much straight away and took a step back and looked at what was happening, I took a long hard look at myself and realised what sort of a guy I had become due to the stress! total opposite of me! anyway I gave her the space she wanted, started no contact, X txt me a week and a half later at 4am?? (she said she was going to take the dog for a walk?? she's never been up that early before?) asking for her shoes and pj's back from mine ( I was in tears putting them in my bag) said I'd drop them into work when I was next on shift (...its been 3 weeks and my bag with her shoes in is still under her desk?? also she has photo's of mine that Ive asked for but still not got back??) again kept no contact to give her space, in the meantime I was working on me and trying to sort out the mortgage, which I have done, house is now up for sale.

I got a txt from X when I was back at work saying how she knew she was never the one for me?? and how it was all lies on my part?? I replied, told her how much I wanted us to be together and how I was trying, she argued back and we left it there. I txt a few days later laying my heart open, saying how much I loved her, how she was the one and only and I wanted no one else but her.

Her reply was that she still loved me but couldn't trust me anymore due to everything, and didn't know how to stop being bitter about it all. I said I'd never give up on us no matter what and would always try. We txt for a few more days and she even suggested that we go out one night. We met up the next week for coffee and we chatted like old times,laughing,joking, she was very touchy feely with me, even flirted a bit,kinda probed to see if I'd been with anyone else?? got a bit snappy when I mentioned I'd been speaking to a girl at work (about work) we met 4 times last week,people at work thought we were still together, that's how are body language was apparently?? txt at night, goodnight kisses by txt etc all the way up to friday night. I txt on Monday night to see how she was, no reply? I txt again thursday (yesterday) no reply?? I'm confused by all this?? Its upset me no end again, Ive decided not to txt or contact her for a while to try and figure out what's going on. Does anyone have any ideas what's going on in her head?? I know she's mad and bitter at me for what's happened,and also angry at the way she handled things, but I also know she loves me but is very reluctant to trust me again. I guess it will take a lot of time, patience, and showing her that I can be trusted and am the man she fell in love with. Wish we could just sort this out and be happy together, I know I made a huge mistake in not telling her in the first place and it's led to this. Want her to give me another chance to show her that I am the man to make her happy

 

Sorry this is so long, the ramblings of a sad man trying to stay positive

[sidehop]

I know she's mad and bitter at me for what's happened,and also angry at the way she handled things, but I also know she loves me but is very reluctant to trust me again. I guess it will take a lot of time, patience, and showing her that I can be trusted and am the man she fell in love with.

 

I agree with you on this. You guys have gone through a lot. I'm sure at this point she's even scared about the relationship falling apart if you two end up back together.

 

But you've became sober again and sound like you're doing well, I think that's where you should focus, more on yourself and let her make the decision. I'm sure you both are confused at this point. It doesn't sound like she's purposely ignoring you but do give her some space and see where it goes.

[minou]

Listen you never cheated on this woman. You withheld information from her. She did forgive you for that, in that the relationship continued. She may think you were not completely honest about the pix on your computer, thinking you were seeing others behind her back? Sounds like the stress of working so hard and drinking, with the moodiness that goes with that, is really what messed up your relationship. All you can do is stay strong. I don't see that you've done anything so terrible here. Let her know you're sorry for the period where you worked too hard, got paranoid on booze and were not at your best. You'd like an opportunity to be the kind of person you want to be, with her. If not, you are still cleaning up the financial tangles in your life, and cleaning up your act from excessive alcohol. Does she realize it was the stress and alcohol that made you act that way? If she doesn't end up giving you a chance, she just does not love you enough. People forgive mistakes and move on together stronger when the love is powerful enough. You may want to explore AA since you don't seem like the kind of person who does too well under the influence of alcohol. Just a thought. Good luck.

[Guest]

okay Paul, i think you are a very positive guy and a hard working on, with a couple problems on your back that you're sorting out....you are very normal. Congratulations on the house! You've done things that most men can't do at such a young age.

 

Anyway, looks like most of the problems you're handling fairly well, you stopped using drinking as means of getting over/escaping problems, you took care of the house (very impressive). How long into the relationship did you keep that mortgage issue from her? I believe that if you were dating her for only a few months that you are still getting to know her and as you build your trust, then you can start unveiling more about yourself, do you think you were going to keep it from her forever, or did it already pass the right time to tell her where you were to afraid and just didn't?

 

I personally don't believe in soulmates, I do believe in compatibility, and responsibility that causes things to work, so as for me I'm going to tell you that you can meet other women and you'll be alarmed at how good you feel with them.

 

But anyways, about her ignoring you randomly after talking, being touchy feely, hanging out etc. She obvioulsy wasn't thinking very hard making any affection for you, she shouldn't have touched you if she's still wondering about you two together, which I think she's thinking her brains to death at this point just paranoid. She shouldve maybe spoke more to you in a mature sober fashion about your issues and how they can be resolved. But you guys met up to have a good time, which isn't bad, but you have to get the bummy things out of the way first, which you didn't. I know you guys missed each other, but now look what she's doing, back to square one with the no contact, she's being really unfair.

 

The first thing that came to mind for me was that she's making some mistakes too, not just you (i think you are thinking very good about this actually and know what to do). There's something to say about someone who believes that color of one's skin can be an issue especially when the black girls and the Latina are both history. She's judgmental of skin color, and it profiles a prejudice character and is even consistent in projecting those woman on your character. She's using their ethnicity to reflect on the kind of person you are--which makes her the kind of person who has a poor understanding of discovering character within someone.

 

I think you deserve better, and perhaps stay away from the soulmate idea, that's what I suspect, I believe there are actually responsible, funny, good looking women out there and even if an array of women all have that thing in common, some may just be more compatible then others. She's also freaking out a bit overboard here, tell her the house is up for sale, tell her those women are history, tell her that you dated her not because of her skin color, but because of who she is, doesn't she appreciate that???

[paulod]

Many thanks for the replies guys, it's really helped me a lot, we've spoken about us lots over the last few years and the funny thing is even throughout all the arguing and battles we knew that we loved and wanted to be with each other, if we didn't we wouldn't have tried so hard. Guess that me going off the rails was the final straw as she is very stressed out as it is..she recently found out that she has heart problems ( at 31) which to be honest must be scaring the hell out of her, it's stressing me out worrying about her even now and we're not together!! that's when she started becoming distant from me, and instead of being there for her I ended up trying to fix stuff and became so focused on doing that I didn't see how scared and hurt she was.

Not being together although very hard has, I hope done us the world of good (even if we don't get back together) we're not arguing for one thing and not stressing each other out, been able to re-boot my brain,sort out my baggage, become the old me instead of the bitter,stressed out drinker I became and it's only been just over a month since we split! wish I could just hold her and make everything okay again! The no contact has been very hard, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call her but that isn't going to help at the moment. We're not mentally strong enough within ourselves to do that yet, proved that seeing each other last week, both of us putting on brave faces trying to pretend we were okay about just hanging out all matey having coffee, our body language said different! few people that saw us thought we were still together as we seemed that close as we were chatting and were shocked when I said that we'd split weeks before! We need to become the people we were when we met, thats what made us so good together, not the people we became, it's going to take time and patience,but I feel from my side that I'm healing,slowly day by day it's happening, I hope that she is too..I'd love to see her old self again, the person I fell in love with, I'd love her to see the old (but improved)me, we used to have so much fun,used to be so happy with each other, and looking back I've really missed that, and I'm sure she has too. Our feelings are still there for each other but we can't be together right now. In the end it will work out for the best which ever way it goes...but for now I just got to focus on getting me strong and happy....

[sadheart2010]

well this story is deep as mine is

 

I think you should support her now by knowing that she has heart problems.I dont believe in No contact Rules when it comes to someones health issues.

Let her know that you will support her and do it....not just the blahblah.

 

Stop looking into the past and learn from the experience and better yourself,it will be good for you and maybe her-in case you guys decide to be together again.

Noone is perfect and no relationship is.

People might tell you alot but at the end it is you that has to live with every decision you made and make.

[paulod]

Had a bit of a bad day today...been thinking about her a lot over the last week, so many things going on in my head, can't seem to remember any of the bad times..only the good..staying NC even though my brain is telling me to contact her to tell her how much I love and miss her, cant sleep, mind going at 100miles an hr..been quite emotional today

I wonder if she thinks about us?? is she upset or happy?

 

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment, I'm kinda lost, even though I know the break and space is a good thing and it's what we need.

 

 

Be glad to get back to work tomorrow, keep me busy

[Sac]

yes when you have nothing to do...is the wrost moments of a break up...horrible, ive gone on 30 min walks at times just to do something

[paulod]

Yeah I've been doing a lot of midnight walks lately...so much stuff just going round and round in my head, nights/days off and weekends are the worst for me. Can't really chat to any of my mates now about it, think they're getting bored of me being sad and down.

All I get is " Look mate she's not worth it, go pull another woman, you'll get over her" or "All she did was make excuses not to come and see you, best rid of her". Great advice from a bunch of guys who are in their 30's, now single or divorced (they seem to forget what it was like when they were going through this...short memories!!)

[paulod]

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd post an update in my original thread, been over a month since last post was put on here..

Still pretty much NC/LC with the ex, I spoke to her about 2 odd weeks ago ref some work issues (we work in the same building) we chatted, she seemed happy to hear from me which was nice, we had a laugh and a joke, talked about our new tattoo's etc. I asked how she was, about her doctor's results for her heart (irregular beat) seems it's cleared up now, was due to stress (from us I'd imagine). I'm relieved that's sorted, am glad we can still talk like old times.

went back to NC after that.

I think I'm slowly starting to heal?? not sure??? am taking steps to sort out my finances, house is on the market still, I don't drink nearly as much as I used too (sorry to say last couple of weeks I've been back in the pub/town with my mates drinking at weekends..BUT no drunken calls/txts to my ex, I know when I've had enough to drink now,no drinking midweek, no moods either?...now I'm back off the drink again as I can't be bothered with it so small relapse...guess it's going to happen now summer's here)

 

Still feel very guilty about things, still constantly think about H....my concentration levels are down still and I'm a bit spaced out, feels like I'm just on auto pilot all the time?? And I've developed bad shakes due to the stress of it all (friends have now noticed how on edge I am) an I'm very tired and panicky now, my brain won't shut down, keep going over things again and again,I just can't seem to forgive myself for treating her like that. Guess I didn't realise just how stressed out I was/am due to everything that was/is going on last couple of years, seems my body is reacting to it all now few months later?? sounds like PTSD?? or something similar?? been up and down constantly lately

 

Not giving in, not turning to booze to numb the pain either, it doesn't work......am fighting this all the way!! am learning from my past mistakes, trying to upgrade the old me (the me before all this pain started and turned me into an ar****le)

think I'll go clean my kitchen or go for a walk.....maybe do both..keep busy..