please anyone help me:(

[ehart]

I am a complete mess. My love of my life broke up with me a month and a half ago but regretted it and tried to come back but found out i had been physical with another guy one time. I was with me ex for 3 years and never was physical with another guy during that and when i did hook up with this guy i freaked out and now my ex "doesnt know". I dont think this is fair to me and i told him that. Ever since he has not been very nice, asks me what im doing and when he gets an answer just ignores me. I wil say the nicest things and he doesnt even reply. But once in a while he will say he wants me back but needs time.

 

This isnt fair and I have tried to call him and meet with him and "he just says no im busy you can wait" i finally had my breaking point today when he said no to meeting up when i was crying and saying it was serious about my feelings. I wrote him a letter telling him he hasnt been acting the way i knew him and he has been mean and that he is really not understanding what he is throwing away. I told him i felt anger that he abandoned me and then came back and is playing head games. I did say some things like he needs luck in finding someone else like me (which to be honest is true i put up with alot and was so good to him). He read the letter and said i was mean and that now he isnt going to get back together with me (which i have a feeling he may come back).

 

But I need help I am miserable!!! one day im mad and the next im begging. I dont eat i sleep all day and i cry constantly. Help me please! i know i did nothing wrong and yes maybe the letter wasnt a good thing but i needed to tell him!! he has been so mean and he says he hasnt! which is scary if he doesnt see that or he knows it and wont admit it. Please help me to move on I cant seem to let go and its destroying my life. We live in the same city and attend the same university. Please help me I need a plan. Also how do i know fall into his trap of making me feel like im a bad person for the letter?? He is so good at making things seem like they are my fault

[sidehop]

You have to step back and give yourself some space first of all. The begging especially will only push him away as you're going to sound very desperate. Focus on yourself, getting better emotionally and physically. You still have to eat and get rest. Without it your body will do more harm in so many ways.

 

Gather your thoughts, what's really important for you right now. I'm sure you realize how unhealthy it is for you to trying to get an answer from him as much as this is painful. The last thing you want to do is push him away.

[jimmajam]

I don't want to beat you up over it, because technically you did nothing wrong (you were broken up), but imagine how he feels. It's always good to put yourself in the other persons shoes. You were together for 3 years. That is 3 years to build up trust and understanding and then only a month after the breakup you were with some other guy. You probably destroyed any trust left between the both of you and it may have changed his opinion of you if he thought you wouldn't do that. It sucks, but trust is so easy to lose and so hard to gain and rebuild. Not that it can't be done, it's just hard to do.

 

In my opinion the only thing you can do and probably the best thing is to leave him alone and give it time. If you feel sorry or guilty about it you just need to forgive yourself, accept what happened and be happy with your life. If he wants to come back, he will, and then you can talk about what happened and work things out.

[Brownstone322]

I don't want to beat you up over it, because technically you did nothing wrong (you were broken up), but imagine how he feels. It's always good to put yourself in the other persons shoes. You were together for 3 years. That is 3 years to build up trust and understanding and then only a month after the breakup you were with some other guy. You probably destroyed any trust left between the both of you and it may have changed his opinion of you if he thought you wouldn't do that. It sucks, but trust is so easy to lose and so hard to gain and rebuild. Not that it can't be done, it's just hard to do.

Yeah, I agree with you. She didn't do anything wrong in a technical sense, but after three years you'd think both sides would have the decency to respect a buffer zone during those first critical weeks when both them are probably trying to ascertain whether the breakup was real or just an over-dramatized fight. Instead she has to go out and get laid right away.

 

If I were the guy, that'd be my signal that the breakup was a good thing, and I'd go my own way and never look back.

[redditbacon]

Stay strong and stay confident in yourself ehart.

 

A little offside:

 

@Sideshop: Your "pew pew pew" lolcat gave me a chuckle. Much needed. Thanks.

[amontalb]

I dont think you did anything wrong. Yeah maybe you were together for 3 years, but I think you were probably sad so turned to someone you didnt know for comfort. Big whoop. He broke up with you. You did not do anything wrong and for all you knew he was never going to come back.

 

I say give him some time if he needs to think, but know you shouldnt feel guilty about anything. Stay strong.

[ehart]

thank you amontalb, I do feel guilty but at the same time he told me to. He was mad and saif "i dont care what you do go f**** someone else" he had said this to me before too when we were dating because he would get so upset and say things he didnt mean. With him saying that and me feeling abandoned i just snapped. He said he needs time and i guess all i can do is give it to him and pray and wait but its so hard

[petite]

I understand you are in pain but begging and pleading will get you no where. Stop contacting him completely and concentrate on yourself. He has showing his true colors. He broke up with you and what you do after that break up is really your business. You owe him nothing.

As for his lack of respect and swearing, saying mean things, it's just his ego. Let it be and slowly try to concentrate on making yourself happy.

[ehart]

Im starting to really regret the letter. I couldnt help it though I was so frustrated with the way he went about all this and it made me so angry that he broke up with me put me through hell then on his own time just comes back now because I was with ONE guy ONE time when he told me to and I send him an agry letter because of his actions im "waiting" again? He contacted me 3 days ago and said he was coming up for a hug, He pulled up and i went out to meet him, he was talking to me like nothing happened about how his car was acting up and we talked about the car for 5 minutes, then he said "im heading back to our home town for the weekend gotta get on the road have a good weekend" and hugged me. I started to cry and he said "why are you crying?" and i jusr stared at him and said thats it? I said I was sad and so confused. He then said he was very disapointed in me for the letter and that I am stressing him out and we arent even together. He said he needed space and i asked if he thought space will allow him time and then he will come back and we can start fresh. He said he was unsure but not to worry... what the hell does that mean? the next day he left me a very sad voicemail while i was at work saying a family member of his was dying and he was crying in it and wanted to talk. I immediately phoned him and said I was there if he needed to talk and to keep me posted on what was going on with his famliy. The next morning he sent me a text saying it wasnt looking good and then said one of his friends had told him i was seeing someone and asked if that was true. I said not at all (which it isnt and that angers me that someone i dont know would say that about me) and he believed me (which he should) and now I havent heard from him at all today. What does this mean?? any thoughts?

[ehart]

* wasnt looking good with the family memeber and then proceeded to ask me about what he heard from his friend

[Ms Darcy]

Hi ehart,

 

I don't think you did one thing wrong. To be honest, anything that you did sexually with anyone post breakup was none of his business, especially since he broke up with you. Breaking up means, "I don't want to be with you. Bye." So, he doesn't have the right to hold that against you.

 

I think the only thing I might have done differently is that I would not have discussed what you did with him. If he asked, I would say that since we were not in a relationship, it's not any of his business.

 

Let me ask you something. I'm finding an interesting imbalance in your relationship because you said that he always has a way of making things out to be your fault. Was this something that always happened while you were in a relationship? Why did he leave the first time?

 

I'm not saying that he's a liar or anything, but I think that if a guy goes so far as to leave you and then comes back soon after, it's entirely possible that he had doubts about the relationship that never really went away. In other words, he may have had one foot out of the door again anyway. So, that makes the initial breakup really important.

 

My point is that it's important for you not to blame yourself if this guy was unsure all along.

[ehart]

Im trying really hard not to feel quilty. When I say he has a tendency to make me feel like things are my fault he has done that forever and he does that with not only me but other people in his life. He left me because at the time I was very stressed with life issues and once and a while took it out on him and he saif "he hated me making him feel like s*** when I was stressed". I can see from a certain point where he was coming from because I definitly had a problem handling stress and being cranky when I was stressed but overall that didnt happen often and I was very very attentive to him and very loyal. During this break up I have gotten some stress managment help and he knows this, I guess all i can do is give him space and see what happens...

[ehart]

anyone any thoughts??