I hate that i love her

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

seriously, I should be so pissed at her.... she always seems like shes so in control. Even after being dumped by the rebound she doesnt seem affected, she admitted to crying as she read my email from a month ago, she also told me it sparked a fight between them, for her to tell me that is actuallly pretty big because she is one proud girl. In any case theres no point lying to myself, all these dates and random hookups arent materializing. I honestly can say that i dont see myself with anyone else. I love her, as awefull as that sounds to me.... whenever i think about us it makes me smile.... I want us to be happier then ever.... I always thought of myself as a player, and when i was a little younger i kept saying i wouldnt settle until id have had sex with 100 girls...I know it sound ridiculous and immature... but thats not the point, the point is im 20 yrs old and have no problem attracting girls, yet i can say from the bottom of my heart that i wouldnt mind not sleeping with anyone else than my ex for the rest of my life.... It sounds completely stupid as i reread it but soomehow that is truly how i feel..... I honestly dont know what to do, yesterdays phone call was pleasant (first time contact in 5 months apart from an email) and im thinking of inviting her for coffee... I cant let her get away... like i said... i hate that i love her so much but i cant hide the truth anymore....

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not sure by what you mean that you can't let her get away. She's already gone.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

lol your posts are such downers sometimes.... she still wants me in her lilfe... like I said in another post i could probably get back with her but i was trying to convince myself not to... because i know she hasnt changed and she do the same thing to me again... but at the same time theres no point kidding myself, i truly do love her and i cant seem to find anything else but sex elsewhere.... i want to be with her but at the same time im not sure that it would be wise... im just confused, i dont know if i should just go nc and forget about it or expose myself to more pain in trying to respark things

[vertigoxo]

Best thing you can do is try to be on "friendly terms" with her. That means NOT being buddy-buddies with her, but not ignoring her on purpose, being mean to her, or talking crap behind her back.

 

If she asks for something casual, just help her and be friendly. Tell her you hope she's doing great. Just be carefree and happy.

 

Let it run for a while and then maybe try and talk to her a bit more. Start out with some texts... Hi, how are you... Then a few weeks later, offer her the coffee date. Don't use the word "date", though- Just be like, "Wanna catch some coffee sometime? I feel that we need to catch up on some things in life! See you around!"

 

Good luck. I know you love her.

[bish0p2004]

Best thing you can do is try to be on "friendly terms" with her. That means NOT being buddy-buddies with her, but not ignoring her on purpose, being mean to her, or talking crap behind her back.

 

If she asks for something casual, just help her and be friendly. Tell her you hope she's doing great. Just be carefree and happy.

 

Let it run for a while and then maybe try and talk to her a bit more. Start out with some texts... Hi, how are you... Then a few weeks later, offer her the coffee date. Don't use the word "date", though- Just be like, "Wanna catch some coffee sometime? I feel that we need to catch up on some things in life! See you around!"

 

Good luck. I know you love her.

 

This is good advice...but can backfire in that you're still too emotionally attached. You might get antsy waiting for her to phone you and then go into panic mode when she doesn't, resulting in you doing something stupid.

 

Your number one priority should be to continue trying to convince yourself that she is not the "one." You may not believe it now, but just keep doing these type of affirmations...anything you can to get away from your current mindset.

 

If you can do this and follow Vertigox's advice, you'll be good to go.

[iBroken]

I think you are feeling this way because she has become "Available" again.

 

I dont think you truly believe that she is the only one for you. Besides, do you want to be sloppy seconds? Shes back because her rebound failed? Shes just rebounding all over the place....sorry to be blunt but thats what she is doing here.

 

As for your reply to Ms Darcy's post. Shes not trying to be down. Your ex is clearly already gone......shes just trying to get you to see that.

 

You are only 20 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why limit yourself to someone who doesnt respect you the same way you respect them? Just because you have tried to date others and they havent worked out doesnt mean you and your ex were meant to be.

 

Ive said it before, what you want when your 20 isnt what you want in your 30's.......you will come to learn that people, places and things all change.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

she just seems so unaffected by anything... its frustrating i gave her 4 years of my life... im so damn angry right now

[Brownstone322]

she just seems so unaffected by anything... its frustrating i gave her 4 years of my life... im so damn angry right now

Do you have any idea how many times you've posted this same basic notion? Over and over and over, it's the same thing: "How could she not care at all? How could she act as though I never existed?"

 

Have you ever considered that the way you conduct yourself might be a huge part of the problem? This kind of behavior is certain to be a turn-off for almost any woman. We've never heard her side of things, but I'd sure like to.

 

She is not the problem. It's long since time for you to pull yourself together and start acting like a mature adult, dare I say "a man."

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

she has no idea im behaving like this though... and i swear if you were in my shoes you would be going insane as well..... i cant explain what im feeling right now but its not good

[Brownstone322]

she has no idea im behaving like this though... and i swear if you were in my shoes you would be going insane as well..... i cant explain what im feeling right now but its not good

I've been through everything you have and a lot more. And I suspect that your penchant for childish drama actually does manifest itself around her, whether you realize it or not.

 

You're not a teenager anymore. You should make it a goal, above all else, to accept your breakup and get yourself together and stop acting this way. It's past time.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

i have never been like this with anyone, i am usually so independent with girls.... its different with her... shes got a spell on me i just cant get rid of her.... 6 months after the breakup and i fear that im back to square one

[vertigoxo]

I thought you didn't want her back?

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

i dont know anything anymore lol...

[vertigoxo]

Well, if you don't want her back, just stop beating yourself over this. I know this is hard... Trust me, I know.

 

But it gets easier. You should try and look for another woman for a REAL relationship, not for casual encounters. Sex and meaningless dating can only make one happy for just a while before they explode.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

i think i do want her back though.... she seemed really happy to talk to me but then i sent her an email telling her i was disapointed that she didnt seemed bummed out about anything and that she still seemed indifferent.... i think i may have screwed up cuz she hasnt responded.... i havent spoken to her in 5months 1 day shouldnt matter but i find myself looking at my phone and email every 30 mins

[justletgo07]

So basically, you want her to feel as out of control and emotionally vulnerable as you feel? I don't know too many dumpees that would be bothered that their ex isn't upset about being dumped by someone new. I believe most dumpees would be more concerned if their ex was heartbroken by someone else.

 

Seems like you care more about her visibly hurting, and about you feeling in control, than you do about her. You should remember that they way you chose to act and deal with your emotions is your choice, and there's nothing stopping you from reacting in a more mature, thought-out manner.

 

I'm going to have to agree with Brownstone on this. You need to calm down, decide how you're going to move forward, and take responsibility for your own life, emotions, etc.

 

You're choosing to be miserable.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

allright so lets suppose i want her back... i emailed her and texted her once and she hasnt responded.... I go NC for a week and then give her a call?

[Brownstone322]

.... she seemed really happy to talk to me but then i sent her an email telling her i was disapointed that she didnt seemed bummed out about anything and that she still seemed indifferent....

What was the point of that? What would you hope to accomplish by telling her something like that? I want my ex to be happy.

 

i think i may have screwed up cuz she hasnt responded.... i havent spoken to her in 5months 1 day shouldnt matter but i find myself looking at my phone and email every 30 mins

Why do you tell us you talked to her then tell us you "haven't spoken to her in 5 months" all at the same time? And if you called her once and "she seemed really happy to talk to you," then why's it so hard to call her again?

[luckyman]

What was the point of that? What would you hope to accomplish by telling her something like that? I want my ex to be happy.

 

 

Why do you tell us you talked to her then tell us you "haven't spoken to her in 5 months" all at the same time? And if you called her once and "she seemed really happy to talk to you," then why's it so hard to call her again?

 

Im pretty sure he meant had'nt. He was in nc quite a while and just recently contacted her again.

 

I agree the message was pointless.

 

In my honest opinion you should of just stayed NC, she left you, you should'nt have to be the one to win her back, it should be the other way around. If she wants to be with you she knows where to find you.

 

But...since you have made contact and she hasn't answered id say wait it out for a reply, if nothing text her one last message with no expectations, and back to nc it should be.

 

Goodluck, cuz, you obviously have feelings for her but you cant force her to have feelings back, i know it sucks, but life goes on and gets better

[greywolf]

i have never been like this with anyone, i am usually so independent with girls.... its different with her... shes got a spell on me i just cant get rid of her.... 6 months after the breakup and i fear that im back to square one

 

OP, I know how hard breakups are. They suck. But think about what you're saying here. Are you not in control of your own feelings? The only reason your ex has so much control over you is because you let her. Do you want to get back with your ex by choice or because she has some 'spell' on you?

[quirky]

I think I know what has happened..You haven't got as much of an effect as you thought you did on her. Did you somehow see yourself as better than her? Was she the more keen one in the relationship?

Sometimes arrogance prevents us from healing, as if you hold a belief deep down that you're the one who exits, not the other way around.

[bish0p2004]

I think I know what has happened..You haven't got as much of an effect as you thought you did on her. Did you somehow see yourself as better than her? Was she the more keen one in the relationship?

Sometimes arrogance prevents us from healing, as if you hold a belief deep down that you're the one who exits, not the other way around.

 

That's very insightful, quirky. I didn't think about that one as it may relate to my situation as well.

[minou]

Remember back in November you were so upset she was with someone else now and people were telling you the chances were it would work out with him, to move on? Listen, dude, you have to listen to your own heart and no-one else. Here you are, still in love with her, not wanting to sleep with anyone else for the rest of your life. At your age, that's huge. This is how I see it, she available again, you have an opportunity before you. Take ten minutes a day to meditate or do something you adore that takes concentration to keep yourself calm. Reflect quietly and objectively on what went wrong. You mentioned in the other post I read that you took her for granted for a few months before the break up. Invite her for coffee. Talk to her from the heart. Don't beg. Don't plead. Be rational and explain your case. You'd simply like another chance to treat her right. I know people say it's best not to talk about the relationship if you have the chance to see each other, but sometimes it's good to just lay your cards on the table. Your love for her is really strong and you never know, maybe now that she sees the grass is not greener, she will be open to hear you. If she doesn't agree to meet with you. Send an email. If she says no, go NC. At least you will have presented her with a very loving, calm, rational but passionate you and vision of how you see you would do your best to be different. Give concrete examples. Good luck. I think there are times a revised communication is in order and this is the time. And stop dwelling on how you think she should feel about her recent breakup. Maybe she just didn't love him. You should be happy about that, not thinking she should have more of a reaction... that's a bit odd.... Also it doesn't sound stupid you'd rather not sleep with anyone else for the rest of your life, it's love. Be more comfortable in your own skin. Get confidence, even if she is the one who ended things... she wasn't happy for good reason at the time... perhaps the time apart has taught you how to treat her in the future. Make your case and do it from a position of growth, of empowerment, having learned from your mistake. Losing the one we love is so painful and we do learn through that pain. Don't bypass the growth by dwelling on irrelevant points.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

i kinda feel stupid for overreacting yesterday, thanks for all the replies btw... I though she had been ignoring me but when i checked my phone about an hour later she had called and left a message. She agreed to meet with me to give me some of my stuff she still had and she seemed pretty upbeat, i called her back and she started making random small talk, i was actually surprised at how happy she seemed to be talking to me. Anyway were meeting later today, I dont know if i should go down the independent road or tell her i still have feelings. She hurt me really bad and I dont think it would be right if it were that easy for her to get me back. On another note in the last 5 months ive put on about 15 pounds of lean muscle, I cant wait to see her face the difference is huge according to my friends... and they were there to see the progress.... Anyway im not too sure how to go about this meeting, she said she would stop by my house but how do i ask her to meet me at a coffee shop instead without it looking like a date or something.

[Ms Darcy]

i kinda feel stupid for overreacting yesterday, thanks for all the replies btw... She hurt me really bad and I dont think it would be right if it were that easy for her to get me back.

 

I still think you are swinging wildly. Now you are leaning towards believing she needs to work hard to get you back. Who said she wants that? Because you are more muscular? Women often don't think that way.