Jump to content

I failed and am disappointing her


Keraron

Recommended Posts

When we first met the most important thing she liked about me (and she told me) was that I am always positive and inspiring, with very high ambitions, but also like to share with others what I gain. My problem: despite being very positive on nearly EVERYTHING in life, I used to be EXTREMELY cynical about relationships.

 

I tried to change this relationship-pessimism ever since I met her, but it has been a hard path.

 

I have good reasons to believe that she was in love with me for a lot of time even if we never became a couple. She was always by my side, and more than a normal friend... I was scared to ask her out due to the "friendzone problem" yet she always followed me. At times we were about to kiss, and she would say romantic things, but both of us withdrew like TURTLES.

 

Still, we had a wonderful friendship and an important part of this friendship is that we always encouraged each other, by sending each other text messages, calling each other almost every day just to ask how are you, wishing good luck even for trivial things. This went on for 6 months.

I would almost call it a "relationship without benefits"

 

We had a kind of "love language" based on my "inspirational personality".

I would encourage her in her highest ambitions. And I also had very high ambtions. Goals that, had I not been in love with her, I would have reached without even thinking twice.

 

I think this mutual encouragement was a way to show each other that we cared for each other even if we never told it. An easy way to beat around the bush...

 

But I think that rather than working towards achieving these goals, I lived with the constant pressure of having to stand up to her expectations. I failed at the most trivial things. I failed, failed, failed and am failing constantly.

 

Just because I am thinking about her and not the actual things I am encouraging us about.

 

I feel that since a few weeks she is seeing me a bit like a loser, like someone who talks a lot but never achieves anything.

 

And she may be right. But the problem is... I did it because I was in love, because I wanted to court her. I think that I could achieve all that if I stopped thinking about her.

 

It's as if I have become addicted to our "saying sweet things to each other", rather than actually working to make those things true.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does she say you're failing her? Does she say that she looks upon you as a loser? Has she told you what her expectations are?

 

I'm just guessing here, but I'm guessing that the pressure is actually coming from you, and that you are setting yourself standards - which may not actually be realistic - and then getting into a state of despair when you fail to achieve them. There's nothing in your post which suggests she has expressed the opinion that you're failing.

 

When she told you that she finds you positive and inspirational, that's going to continue whether or not you're having a bad day. Unless you've become miserable and despondent, and then openly blame her for it, it seems very unlikely that she'll have revised this opinion.

 

What, specifically, has brought you to the conclusions you mention above?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does she say you're failing her? Does she say that she looks upon you as a loser? Has she told you what her expectations are?

No... however, she communicates less frequently with me. We talk less about daily stuff, personal things. We talk only about career and university. Almost as if we were classmate. The "romance" seems to be fading away.

(I should mention that she is abroad since 3 months and this behavior started about 2-3 weeks ago. Before that we would chat or call daily on Skype, talk about nearly everything in life, etc.)

 

I sensed disappointment when a few days ago I told her to just ask me if there's anything else I can help her with, she added "Thanks!... but you know, I actually had a phone interview with XYZ company... they liked my CV, cover letter, etc (which I helped her with)... but still I was rejected..."

What surprised me is that she always kept me up-to-date on those details, daily. Whereas now she just mentioned it.

 

That made me feel as if she was saying, "Thanks for your help, but maybe I/we won't achieve these goals / I should do these things by myself."

 

Unless you've become miserable and despondent,

Look the point is this. When I am in love (and it happened 3 times in my life), I become miserable at everything else. I kind of spend my entire time figuring out how to make the relationship work.

It becomes kind of a mission for me to find strategies to keep the girl attracted, and - I know it is a very bad thing - I literally spend more time THINKING about the girl than anything else in my life.

I'm constantly scared that any little wrong step could lead to her loosing attraction and breaking up, so I always think what to do.

The last time I fell in love, that was about 2 years ago, I wasn't able to focus in class and had to repeat the final year at university...

I think the same is happening again.

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have all these fears, I could reach those goals without any problem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't help but get the feeling she eventualy gave up as you haven't made a move to make it "exclusive". It sounds like a friendship but she had hoped for more and it was never forthcoming. She eventually thought she's wasting her time as it's not going anywhere. I could be wrong of course, but that's how I read it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't help but get the feeling she eventualy gave up as you haven't made a move to make it "exclusive". It sounds like a friendship but she had hoped for more and it was never forthcoming. She eventually thought she's wasting her time as it's not going anywhere. I could be wrong of course, but that's how I read it.

 

That would be my greatest fear...

 

Can you advise me on how I could make a move?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like you have been friends for ages and you both like each other, right? What stopped you asking her out in the first place? (Sorry, I'm just curious, lol).

 

Thank you for being genuinely curious

 

It gets complicated now, and I actually omit these complications on purpose because the more I write the less answers I get...

 

Well, it's basically FEAR, including everything I wrote here:

 

 

To sum it up: I met her through an acquaintance who claimed to be her boyfriend. He asked me to help her while she was doing her exchange program in my city. Two weeks after I and her knew each other and were already best friends (she was actively flirting but I stayed defensive since I thought she had a boyfriend) I asked her about him (for the first time) and she told me they were NEVER in a relationship, but just occasionally kissed (sort of a "kiss-buddy").

After telling me, she often behaved in a guilty way around me, but as I said above, she was ALWAYS with me, every day. We were like a little family, me and her.

 

There were several episodes in which she tried to get closer to me, like we were watching a movie on her bed and she got close to me, saying "I feel cold" but I was SCARED. Scared about whether she was serious, scared about the friendzone issue. Scared about everything.

 

Sometimes while she was here I had the impression that she gave up but a few days later she would come back with that smile and we'd spend lots of quality time.

 

EDIT: well, if it changes anything... the kiss-buddy came twice to my city and spent some time around us, too. The first time, she was always like avoiding him and trying to stay with me. But I was so angry and jealous that I avoided her when he was there.

In the meantime when she was not looking he was lusting after other girls, and even told me, "Don't tell her, but when she leaves, I'm returning here and having lots of fun!"

He also puts trojan viruses on her computer.

I never told any of these things about him to her, as I feared that it would make me seem jealous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I still stand by my original post - you weren't forthcoming and she eventually gave up, thinking you're not interested in her in that way. I guess if you really want to be with her in a proper relationship, then you have to ask her out on an official date and take it from there (unless she does have a boyfriend, in which case, it's no go anyway).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I still stand by my original post - you weren't forthcoming and she eventually gave up, thinking you're not interested in her in that way. I guess if you really want to be with her in a proper relationship, then you have to ask her out on an official date and take it from there (unless she does have a boyfriend, in which case, it's no go anyway).

 

She has got no boyfriend, and as I said she lives abroad, though we know we could meet each other quite frequently.

 

Do you think it would make sense to just admit my feelings towards her without asking for a date or even a relationship?

 

It is quite important to me that if anything we build on top of the friendship, and not outside of it...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...