My story and my experience with healing

[mfmiami]

Some background. I'm 40 years old, divorced for 5 years (omg just realized we passed the anniversary date in Feb and I don't even remember the date!), 3 kids who are now 12, 9 and 7 (aka were YOUNG when we separated 6 months before the divorce).

 

Ex husband was my college sweetheart. He was a star soccer player (Division 1) so let's just say he was quite the player. We met our freshman year...dated for a month or so but he decided there was just way too much fun to be had so he dumped me. We always had crazy chemistry though. I dated someone for a year, another someone for 2 years.. and ultimately we got together the last semester of college and dated exclusively. I was beyond excited as he'd always felt like the 'one' from the minute we met (and probably more so because he was the first guy to blow me off and spent the next few years toying with me). We got married a few years after that (yes in love but we were only 24 and it was more like it was the next thing we were supposed to 'do' if that makes sense).

 

Marriage was decent for many years...not too mature or nurturing...but we were no more or less unhappy than any other couple we knew. He has an EXPLOSIVE temper that crossed over into verbal abuse and physical at the end (pushing and threatening). Two careers, a big fat mortgage, three kids... it got rocky. During this rocky point, we decided to move from the fast paced city we lived in to a small town in the south and put our house on the market. An old high school girlfriend of his came to see the house with her husband and the two of them exchanged numbers. Both couples separated within a month and they both were in love. He moved from our home right into hers - OUCH.

 

A few months later we go to mediation.... very unpleasant and ultimately I got a lot more than he'd been telling me I'd get. That very same day, he had a change of heart and begged for another chance - he wanted to save our family. I let him come home. That lasted 6 weeks and it was pure hell. I was jealous about his gf and wanted details..he seemed to want to protect her and obviously wasn't over her....constant battle. He then came home one day and decided he'd had enough and went back to her. OUCH again!

 

Right away I put a profile up on an internet dating site. A week later I met the sorry excuse for a 'man' who would spend the next four years stealing my soul. I caught him lying early on about little things....caught him cheating a few months after that. Thus began the four year cycle of him cheating, getting caught, dumping ME, me being sad, him playing the field for a few weeks, and coming back begging for forgiveness. When he and I were together, we NEVER bickered at all, which I thought meant something after the years of bickering with my ex husband. With all of his push, pull, love you, love you not, I wanted to spend every free moment with him and pretty much sat around at his beck and call. I gave up hobbies, friends, pretty much everything that made me ME. Even the moments of happiness weren't really happy because I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. His final dumping of me came last summer, though I took whatever crumbs he offered and we still spent time together and slept together. He was dating others....I tried (but would blow them off if his royal highness wanted to be with me). He met someone that I now know he pursued heavily and she resisted a little. He was lying to me about her...lying to her about me...and after a bunch of drama, once he had her, he dropped me like a hot potato.

 

I have no doubt that my insecurity over my ex-husband choosing someone over me, led me to tolerate sub-human treatment by the ex-bf. When you feel like garbage you kind of expect to be treated like it....it was a vicious cycle. Adding to the madness, the ex bf constantly told me I was amazing, gorgeous, too good for him. So while his words built my ego up, his actions destroyed it. I now understand that I was nothing more than an object to him...and once I finally started to crack from it all (and once I was out of $ - when we met I had a lot of cash), he had no use for me. I also started drinking wwaaayyyy too much and after he broke up with me last summer, spent a month in a rehab - so much for being a 'rock star'...I was just a pathetic mess. Sadly, his new girlfriend is headed for the same path as me. Or, at least she forgave him for lying to her /cheating on her and stayed with him despite the red flags. I feel like a jerk but at least I'm not the only one dumb enough to be charmed by him.

 

Now for the observations. I was sooooooo hurt (ego mostly) when ex husband left me (twice). Hurt, bitter, everything I'm feeling now for the ex-bf. That anger stayed with me for a few years (though the jealousy faded faster - probably because i was with someone.) At this point, I've COMPLETELY forgiven ex-husband. He has a new girlfriend (his 3rd since the divorce)...they have an 8 month old baby. I want nothing more than for him to be happy. I was looking at him the other day and wondering if i could sleep with him and the thought kind of grossed me out (and we were fine in that department).

 

It's very reassuring to realize that YES - time heals wounds. I never got any fabulous apology from my ex-husband (the 'closure' I wanted) but the wound still healed. I WANT one from the ex bf but I realize that isn't happening.....though reassured I can heal without one. So, it took me about 4 years to get over a 16 year relationship with the ex husband.

 

I'm curious to know if the fact that the ex-boyfriend was MUCH more horrible to me over a longer period of time is going to make it easier or harder to get over. Right now I see him as a monster with no soul. Feeling that way doesn't make me less hurt...or even make me grateful he's gone - but I know in my heart he will continue to inflict pain for the rest of his life and I should be grateful it's not me. If the getting over it timeline from the ex husband is a barometer of how long it will take me to get over the ex bf, I'm almost halfway there!

 

I DID make the mistake of having what I now see as a rebound relationship for a few months. At first I really did feel the 'spark' but it faded quickly for me, while his feelings for me intensified. I'm sorry to say that I hurt him badly....but can honestly say I never hurt him intentionally. I also told him at many points along the way that I wasn't ready and he persuaded me to stay (emotional blackmail - unintentional on his part I know because he's a genuinely great guy). I did keep trying until I could no longer kid myself - we were not in sync with our feelings and I just wasn't attracted to him physically. I ended it about a month ago and it's been a relief. I knew all along I needed to be working on myself.

 

So now. Now I'm taking care of ME. I've never really been single for more than a few months since I was 15 years old! It's scary, lonely at times but I KNOW in my heart it's the only chance I have of a future, healthy relationship.

 

I've spent the last few months working out with a trainer, doing yoga every day, and next month start a 200 hour yoga teacher training class. I'm sober. I look better than I have in years and while I'm not there yet, I'm slowly accepting my mistakes. I'm reconnecting with friends. I will NEVER allow myself to be treated badly in a relationship again. The signs with the ex bf were there from almost day one and I can assure you - I will not start dating until I'm confident I can spot the red flags and more importantly - END a relationship at the first sign of one.

 

So, that's my story. I've been lurking a lot for the last several months so figured I'd introduce myself. Hi!

[Blackey]

Wow that is a very rich dating history. I actually took the time to read all of your post since it is pretty interesting in itself and in the aspect of dating life of a person who has been for many years in the game. My first serious girlfriend just broke up with me recently, so it is interesting to see how this "game" of dating runs through the future.

Im still young and from your story i concluded that i will probably have some more advantures and rollercoasters before things will settle down and be calm.

It is kind of a cliche and funny when people with life experience say "never date a popular athlete from highschool, it will not end too well" , hah so if you had the chance to move the time back, you would probably go for a "good guy" or something huh? would you?

Im really glad that found peace of mind in a sport- Yoga. Sports always can make you feel better, will not put you down or abandon you, and the feeling of after an intense activty such as work out or maybe even Yoga can be sometimes almost as satisfying as sex

You have been through a long and tough emotional rollercoaster, you deserve to rest for a while. You are still young and as you said after doing all of these sports you look better than ever, then you will no problem to attract men, only this time try not to go for jerks but someone who will love you for who you are and treat you respectfully, and once you find this person you will be healed from the other jerks in your life.

Do not forget that the best revenge is to go on with your life ,improve your life and and be better "you" in every aspect as opposed to the time of being with these losers.

Wish you all luck, and whenever you will be a yogga trainer i will come by to your class (Remember in the other post you said that yogga class consist of 90% girls, and they think that straight guys who come to yoga are hot, hopefully after you revelead this secret i will still come to a class that consist of 90% girls and not 90% guys who came to try the same trick that i want to try and outnumberd the girls in the class)

Cheeers.

[mfmiami]

Sad to say, that dating, marriage, it's all the same crap no matter how old you are! I've been a serial monogamist since high school... time line goes like this:

 

Boyfriend #1 15-16 - * * * * * * * who treated me like crap and ya know what, I got fed up and walked away. If I was strong enough to do it at 15, what happened lol??? He died in his early 20's from what I now think was probably AIDS from drug use (AFTER we dated)

 

Boyfriend #2 16-18 - NICE nice guy who worshipped the ground I walked on. Which resulted in ME being kind of a bit*ch...he never did anything for me to get mad at so I would almost invent things. I used to get mad at him for getting his hair cut because he looked dorky for a few days. I got bored and broke up with him (broke his heart). He met someone in college and is happily married.

 

Boyfriend #3 - 18-20 - A LOT in common with recent ex-bf. Not quite as bad but bad. I got fed up and kicked him to the curb as well. He is now 42 and has a long list of 'psycho' ex girlfriends. Every other year or so he tells me some story. Pretty sure it's him.... he found me on facebook a few years ago ..

 

Boyfriend #4 - 20-21 A LOT in common with bf #2. Nice nice guy. College tennis player but not a 'player' by any means. He's the one person I cheated on and I would never ever hurt someone like that again. He didn't find out for a few months and when he did, I dumped HIM - oh god how horrible! He's happily married. We are facebook friends too and a few yrs ago I apologized for what I did...he was so gracious and let me off the hook completely.

 

Boyfriend #5 21-36 - ex husband... reformed player with some nasty tendencies

 

Boyfriend #6 36-40 - recent ex boyfriend Giant douchebag

 

Boyfriend #7 - 3 months - recent 'rebound'....Nice nice guy

 

Almost consistently I alternated between nice guys I got bored of and then jerks who broke my heart (but again, at least I USED to dump them eventually lol). I was always initially very attracted to the nice ones too....but that faded over time.

 

So now, I get to figure out what it is about me that makes that happen and try to 'fix' it! Surely there is a happy medium somewhere.

 

I've seen a lot over the years with myself and my friends. I've got friends who were hs sweethearts and are still happily married, and friends who have never gotten married. No matter what the age it's all just part of the game of life and the game doesn't change much. The key is to learn your lessons early on. I am a firm believer in the idea that there is not just ONE person for each of us.....

 

And for the record - I don't look 40 Recent ex was 10 yrs younger than me people always thought we were the same age (he looks a little older than he is in all fairness).

[Blackey]

Well it is a fact... nice guys....despite of them being nice guys, really caring, never gonna cheat on you, no drama with them no fight and nothing.... the fact is that nice guys are boring... my ex has left her boyfriend who was a "nice guy" for me, so she told me that he was perfect for marriage and having a family, but at that stage he was just too boring for her and she actually cheated on him a couple of times (with me).

My advice, do not go for a "nice guy" but also do not go for a "bad guy" look for something in the middle, it is pretty rear, but if you find it, you are set for life