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She's Not Sure What She Feels. Is Reconciliation Still Likely? I Want To Make It Happen.


Agrajag

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Fresh from a confusing break up..there are clear signs this isn't over.

 

Yesterday, she came to my apartment to get her things. Her dad was waiting outside in the vehicle - she said there was no way she could do this alone. I could totally understand the pressure she must have felt.

 

She looked so incredibly sad - forcing out a smile when she looked at me, waiting for her outside. "I won't take much of your time," I said, "I know you're feeling uncomfortable."

 

The boxes were ready. I asked her if there was anything she could think of that I could have missed - something that might be somewhere weird. She walked the the drawers and cupboards that she kept things in. I sat at the end of the bed while she looked through the drawer.

 

She started to cry. She said she was upset because she knew how much pain I must be going through. She said "I wish this never had to happen."

 

This was the first chance we were even face-to-face since a week ago Sunday - the day she said she had to pry herself away from me...not wanting to leave.

Yesterday was exactly a week after the day she said she wans't coming over...and needed space.

 

I was still there holding her hands...just about to catch her as she collapsed into my arms in tears. I kissed her on the cheek. She continued to hold me. I felt like crying too but I had switched into a mental state where taking care of her was more important.

 

He dad phoned. It had been 20 minutes...she said she'd be down in 2.

 

We had gone through so much In the 5 days of NC...I suggested maybe we could try again...slowly...but so that we could see how we grew. I felt so much closer to her after those 5 days. It was the first time she'd really known what was bothering her deep down and for the relationship to end after finally expressing your true feelings seems unfair...to both of us.

 

It will take time, and I understand she needs to deal with herself. I have a good feeling that even if our relationship was going better it would have overwhelmed her just the same.

 

She was still here. I realized she was here completely at her will.

 

She talked about how just needed time. I talked about future friendship and a possible future relationship. We agreed 3-4 weeks we could start be friends again. Se how it felt.

 

I got her to the door...collapsing into tears again. This time I held her cheek and kissed her like I used to. She didn't turn away. I actually whispered "sorry" as I pulled away but I thought I was being a little manipulative. Perhaps it's exactly what I needed to do.

 

It kinda made us both realize there was something there still. I helped her to the car and away she drove off.

 

Facebook tells me her friends are congratulating her on the break up. She referred to those comments as "not helping". Facebook tells me she "not sure what to think anymore" an hour after this kiss.

 

What did I do?

 

I want her back because I believe she is still in love with me. I am still in love with her.

 

I believe she will be ready with time...so how do I do this? I have 3 weeks to carefully treat my emotions and actions.

 

I had an idea to communicate with her "anonymously" to get the most non-biased information from her...period. She doesn't post here so she doesn't have your help. Comments? If someone can help me properly write something I'm all ears.

 

I need your help.

 

Thanks

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If she asked for time/space, give her that.

 

My ex and I were madly in love when we broke up, and there was no wrongdoing that sparked the break up. The relationship was just going downhill as reality set in and we realized we weren't really meant for each other (well, SHE saw that, I didn't). Not all the love in the universe could change that. We were both crying non-stop for the entire "talk" in her bedroom on that Sunday morning. I kind of knew a bomb was going to drop the night before, when she said that she needed space and time to be away from me. Something wasn't right. I barely held it together at work that night and neither of us slept more than a few minutes.

 

During our "talk", it was a tennis match of sides. She said that there was nothing that I could do to change, she was sorry, and that I wasn't right for her. We had been going through rough times when we weren't talking to each other about anything, drawing blanks. That was the "out of the honeymoon" thing I kept hearing about after the fact, but when I asked people what they thought it was, it sounded like growing pains. I tried to convince her that we could reconcile our differences and keep pushing forward, but she wasn't convinced. An hour later, I just had to drop it. It was turning into a fight. She was following her heart, and the best thing for me to do was walk away respectfully and maturely. T'was one of the most painful days I've ever lived, emotionally.

 

Space offers insight, my friend. I see more clearly now what she was talking about, now that we haven't seen each other in over 3 weeks and haven't communicated much since. Sometimes there's only so much you can do. It sucks, it really does, especially if there was no negative catalyst (i.e. one cheated on the other). The shoes that was once fit no longer fit anymore, and you've got to find that out the hard way.

 

I hope you can take in the insight from this in the coming days/weeks that is clouded right now.

 

Right now, reconciliation with my ex is unlikely. We've both got to move on and eventually meet new people. You can't argue with a woman's heart. If she feels like she needs space and time apart, give her what she wants. Be the mature person she knows.

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I'm sorry for you loss.

 

I don't feel that my ex is feeling that we're "not right for each other".

 

It was always voiced that she needed time to work out issues she'd been having with herself. Feeling like she was herself.

 

Again, I could find this out by sending her a message anonymously - getting the truth.

 

Perhaps, i can do things pro actively - "arms length", as to not invade her space. Maybe not.

 

I can tell she still feels in love with me

 

 

I will give her the time she wanted. She will not hear from me.

 

How long really is 3 weeks?

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I still say leave each other space, but that's just me. Sending her an anonymous letter is not giving her space. It's still you wanting to get inside her head.

 

My ex and I were together for 5 months, and we were not living together, so I can only speak from that experience. But in these past 3 weeks, a lot has happened, emotionally. I've looked at it differently since the break up.

 

Maybe my ex will come back to me months from now. I don't know, I can't think about that. There is much emotional work to be had right now. Space is the place, and the more you try to communicate, the less space you are creating.

 

How long have you two been together?

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We were dating for just over 6 months.

 

This wasn't a "honeymoon is over stage" thing.

 

The MORNING she called to need space she sent me a text message saying "I can't wait to be in your arms [the next day]. I've been missing you so much."

 

The last time we say each other (besides yesterday) was 3 days before she asked for space....she gripped me tight.."i don't want to leave here."

 

She's always been so happy...there's something ELSE going on.

 

It's a young girl's brain..i understand that...

 

...but you can see why I've gone down the road with that i have.

 

She was in a relationship she was happy with...and with someone she was in love with.

 

Something else changed that required her full attention.

 

I'm posting in THIS forum because i want to get her back when all is said and done.

I'm clearly terrified i'll lose her but at the same time I have great hope ...simply because i understand it's not the relationship in the first place

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In my experience, it is important to look at what people do, not what they say. You can read story after story on this forum about people who were certain their ex still loved them, and sure that their ex was just confused, and sure that their ex broke up with them to work on their own issues, yet in the end it didn't change the outcome.

 

Breakups are tough for both sides, especially if nothing major happened to prompt the break up. It's normal to have 2nd thoughts and to be unsure. However, it takes time to reveal whether or not those 2nd thoughts are genuine, or just a reaction to change.

 

Give it time.

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Do you have a clear idea of any problems in your relationship? Chances are this is not the end of it. It certainly sounds like she still loves you.

There were times she was clearly feeling something. But they were internal to herself, not reflected on the relationship. She was going through something for sure...but made it very clear it was not the love for me.

 

It certainly SOUNDS like it but I just don't know for sure and it's hard because at a time like this I really need her.

 

I don't have the normal means to distract myself (school, career) since they're all on hold for the first 2 of 3 weeks I have NC for.....seriously, you couldn't script worse timing.

 

i HAVE to wait i HAVE to give her time.

 

 

 

 

Do you ever feel like you've lost your best friend....the very person you need to get you through such a difficult time.

 

I don't understand why we can't even be friends.. communicate our feelings.

 

No wonder the outcome never changes...people just LET the feelings die.

 

She's hard on herself for not having me around to help her through a difficult time...yet all I want to do is support her in her depressed times.

 

I don't see this coming around for me. Not if she's just ignoring her feelings.

Damned if I do...damned if I don't

 

If I respect her wishes for space...we both hurt...fail the #1 necessity of a relationship - commmunication.

 

If I call her...she feels she cant' trust me...and walks away feeling overwhelmed.

 

i feel alllll of this because i can't communicate any of my feelings with her.

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In my experience, it is important to look at what people do, not what they say. You can read story after story on this forum about people who were certain their ex still loved them, and sure that their ex was just confused, and sure that their ex broke up with them to work on their own issues, yet in the end it didn't change the outcome.

 

Breakups are tough for both sides, especially if nothing major happened to prompt the break up. It's normal to have 2nd thoughts and to be unsure. However, it takes time to reveal whether or not those 2nd thoughts are genuine, or just a reaction to change.

 

Give it time.

 

I would agree with this. I think there are some specific reasons why this won't work in the long run, but in the end it's YOUR relationship and you have to be happy with the choices you made.

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I am sorry you are going through this right now.

 

As others have said respect her need for space. I would not contact her either annoymously or other wise. I know it would be tempting, but really she would most likely know it was you or would find out and then resent you for that.

 

Let her miss you. She needs to clear her head, so even if she initiates it try to keep contact to a very low minimum. If you want her back then I wouldn't leave her completely alone for the whole 3 weeks. Text something short like, I heard (name of song or name of movie you two liked, or some special memory like I drove past the park) and it made me think of you. I love you and am always here for you. And leave it at that.

 

I know it is hard. But if you two do end up back together then things will be so much better because of this break. This a chance for you both to grow and re-evaluate your relationship and your lives. I hope everything works out for you, best of luck.

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Contacting her 'anonymously' is dishonest communication. If there's something she can't/doesn't want to share with you, attempting to pry it out of her 'anonymously' shows no respect for her boundaries. What do you think she would feel if she discovered your deception? How would that improve things.

 

I have to say, I get a real sense that you look at her like an innocent child. Like I said in another post, if you can't see her as an equal, and see yourself as her protector or guardian or guide, your future together has a very limited potential. The mere fact that you want to communicate with her 'anonymously' suggests that you think you know better than she does what she needs right now. Because what she has decided she needs right now, is time apart.

 

I also have to say, I agree with the poster who said to look at her actions, not her words. Words are sometimes used to soften the blow. It IS possible that even if it hurts her, even if it isn't what she wants, it is still possible that she has decided that the relationship isn't right. You can love someone, and still know, there is no future. It's hard to let go, and it's painful to do, but people still make the choice because they feel they have to.

 

My advice is to keep the door open, but don't sit there waiting. She may not come back. Plus, you seem to want to control and direct the outcome of this, so waiting may turn to contemplation, and you may begin a self-destructive path of devising schemes (like 'anonymous' communication), to try to force this back. Those games and manipulations will only backfire on you. Besides, if you have to trick her into coming back, it won't last, because it won't resolve whatever it was that drove her to leave.

 

Because even if you truly believe that she left because something else is going on (which may very well be true), it brings to light a problem within your relationship. Why? Because whatever she is facing, she should want and need your support. But for some reason, she doesn't. What she wants, is space.

 

I'm sorry if this is not things you want to hear. But I think you may be confusing her compassion for your pain, with still wanting to be in a relationship with you.

 

And I may be completely wrong. She may come back to you in time. But you cannot know that, you cannot control that, and any effort to expidite or manipulate the process will only sabotage it.

 

So in the meantime, you need to move on with your life, grow from this, and be open to other relationship opportunities. Take this time to explore your own behavior in the relationship and whether or not your approach is likely to encourage the growth of the kind of relationship you want to have.

 

I hope something in there helps.

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I know it would be tempting, but really she would most likely know it was you or would find out and then resent you for that.

 

What do you think she would feel if she discovered your deception? How would that improve things.

 

Honestly I would think I just needed to be more open in my communication and not sugar coat it because i thought they couldn't handle something. I would know they actually cared.

 

The only reason is a converstion could reveal new information. LIke "Hey girl I'm [firend of mine that she's only heard of]. I've been in your exact situation before so i know what you're goiing through." If I get far enough I can say. "just be honest with him and he's ready to understand and move on. love is not the feeling of butterfiles. love is the feeling [she got when her and I did, enter something my ex and i did]"

 

Let her miss you.

 

I think she's trying to ignore the fact she's still in love with me. She's acting clearly clearly clearly that she is in love and realizes it - but is trying to convince herself it wasn't real

 

She needs to clear her head, so even if she initiates it try to keep contact to a very low minimum. If you want her back then I wouldn't leave her completely alone for the whole 3 weeks. Text something short like, I heard (name of song or name of movie you two liked, or some special memory like I drove past the park) and it made me think of you. I love you and am always here for you. And leave it at that.

 

Is that becoming needy? I don't want her to think I'm just going to always be waiting. That's sorta pushing her to find another guy anyways - I'll be a fallback

 

I know it is hard. But if you two do end up back together then things will be so much better because of this break.

 

I also have to say, I agree with the poster who said to look at her actions, not her words. Words are sometimes used to soften the blow. It IS possible that even if it hurts her, even if it isn't what she wants, it is still possible that she has decided that the relationship isn't right. You can love someone, and still know, there is no future. It's hard to let go, and it's painful to do, but people still make the choice because they feel they have to.

 

I felt that was when we finally saw each other (the day she got her things) suddenly she felt a rush of emotions. She didn't want to leave. That was very clear. She let me kiss her. That was very clear. She ever went home to tell her friends she doesn't know what to think anymore.

 

Her words said we needed time. Her ACTIONS said she didn't want to leave. her actions almost said she regretted her desicion. What about her femily/friends pressure. All anyone advice is EVER anymore is to GIVE UP. This forum is FULL of it. People that haven't spent a SINGLE day talking to us decide..."yeah well he must not be right for you move on."

 

An anyonymous contact would at least be informative...and give her the information that says LOOK, they are saying what they are TOLD to say in this situation. The second she announced we broke up people started congratulating her. She said to me the "comments she recieved sure don't help the way she feels"

 

I'm fighting against ignorant people who think they just KNOW what's right.

 

I'm not asking ANY of you to tell me what right for ME or HER. People here think they alreay know what's she's after. Why do we have to assume we have limited potential? HER parents met at 18 and are married enough to have her.

 

It's making me angry because I feel like my questions are getting ignored as.. "no look this is REALLY what you need to ask

 

 

The mere fact that you want to communicate with her 'anonymously' suggests that you think you know better than she does what she needs right now. Because what she has decided she needs right now, is time apart.

 

Besides, if you have to trick her into coming back, it won't last, because it won't resolve whatever it was that drove her to leave.

 

i never said i was trying to trick her I just want to tell her things that I can't directly becase it's the eNotAlone "no no" to contact her. It can resolve things if I have information. I think it HAS been solved by the original NC. She's made it apperent at least a few times that she may be second-guessing herself

 

Because even if you truly believe that she left because something else is going on (which may very well be true), it brings to light a problem within your relationship. Why? Because whatever she is facing, she should want and need your support. But for some reason, she doesn't. What she wants, is space.

 

This is actually a big part of what i learned in the first 5-6 days of NC. I understood how she shouts out her problems and am confident a relationship after would be so so so much more in tune. I don't know what she doesn't want me. maybe if my "friend" asked her. She sure talks aobut it to other people. I feel like I deserve to know because it would at least stop me torturing myself over guesses.

 

I'm sorry if this is not things you want to hear. But I think you may be confusing her compassion for your pain, with still wanting to be in a relationship with you.

 

I got a little bit of both. Yeah she was hurt because she knew I was in pain but we also both understood it was right for her at the time. Even i understand it needed to be done. I just want to get back on track and develop the friendship we had again.

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