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He’s checking out…sigh…lonelier in the relationship than out of it.


Mauxly

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So after all the work we’ve put into this, it feels like the onset of a plane crash. He’s going to a counselor but he’s not talking to me about how he feels or what the counselor says.

 

His dad is in hospice. I feel awful for him and I know that he’s got to be suffering, but all I get from him is, “I’m fine, we weren’t that close anyway”…eheemm…bullshyt. I say, “I’m here if you need to talk about it” he says, “Men don’t talk about this stuff, we go to our caves”

 

He is gone a LOT so when he’s in town I like to see him. But lately, it is always me asking, “Do you want to spend the night? Can I spend the night?” Anymore I can’t stand seeming so pathetic, so I just don’t ask. Which means we don’t even sleep together very much.

 

Now we only have sex once a week, and I have to instigate. More than once a week? Forget about it, no amount of seducing/begging will help. The other day he woke up with a semi-hard on and started to get out of bed. I said, “No! Stay! I’ll fix it!” (I love to give head). He said, “It isn’t broken” and left me there.

 

I am sick to death of talking about this relationship with him. Open communication my arse. It is completely one sided. He acts like he doesn’t even want to be in this relationship, yet he tells me, “I love you”, “You may be the one…”

 

All of this started after his first trip of the season. He flipped on a dime. I think all he really needs in life is that job. His love is seasonal.

 

Ugh….this is exactly how he acted right before he cheated on me the last time.

 

I don’t think he’s cheated, or intends to cheat. But whatever, at this point I’d rather be single.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I really really love this guy. But this is so much work. And he’s just completely dropped his half of the load. Really, what is the point anymore.

 

Super sad right now.

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I tend to agree. If the sexual interest on his side is on the wane for whatever reason then your best best is to have a frank and candid conversation as to why. At least then you might know where you stand. Every relationship I've had there have been warning signs of 'checking out', this has the potential to be one such situation. My advice would be to communicate and go from there...

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Trxy, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have to be honest, though, this guy doesn't seem like he's worth the trouble. He cheated on you big time (I am a believer in mistakes, though), and he makes you feel worse about yourself than better.

 

If I were you, I'd have one last conversation with him about where you stand. At least pat yourself on the back for being a strong woman enough to forgive him and giving him a second chance when no woman would. I give you props for that!

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I feel sick about it. Nothing I can do to pull him back into this.

At one time we had the trifecta: emotional, intellectual, physical connection.

 

We don't have jack anymore, and I can't get it back on my own. I don’t know where he is at because he isn’t talking. His actions speak volumes though.

The weird thing is that I'm pretty much over the infidelity, I've worked through most of it. We should be on a happy road to recovery right now, instead...nosedive. I wonder how much of it has to do with the stress of his dad being in hospice. I’m trying to be understanding and supportive. Am I selfish because I feel like this is slowly killing me and I don’t know what to do anymore?

 

I'm seriously depressed. At least I'll lose a few pounds...not that I need to.

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Trxy, you can only do so much. If he won't open up to you and communicate, you might as well bang your head against a wall.

 

He may be stressed out because of this, but he's putting up a barrier to you by not meeting you halfway.

 

This is on him, not you.

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Hey Trxy..i've never posted on ure threads before, but i've read one or two and I have to say that I think you're the sh*t rolled in butter! you've been very strong and a joy to read.

 

A wise friend of mine once said this ( he is kind of like the acting guru counselor for our large community of friends). I talk to people all the time that start out with this great relationship that lasts from 6 months to about a year, and then at some point one or both of the partners shows their true selves. Once the relationship changes it just changes...its supposed to thru phases and you have to evaluate the phase for what it is. But ( he says) he sees people spend months, years, decades trying to fight to get the relationship back to what it was the first few months. I just wanted to say that hoping it helped you somehow. To stop trying to work towards what you had...because you'll never have that it will either get better or worse or just different, but you should try to evaluate what you have now and see if its worth it.

Best of Luck to you! I hope you get everything you deserve and even more

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Thanks guys. Really. I'm so glad no one is on here saying "I told you so..."

 

I know he wants this to work, or at least he did as of two weeks ago. I'll have a talk with him, find out what he's really able or willing to do. I'm not expecting perfection, too old and wise for that. But I do need to know if he's still in the game, and how hard he's willing to play to make it work.

 

If he's not...gosh...break my heart...I'll move on.

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Damn trxy I am so bummed for you I love your honesty and courage. When my exs dad died the sex went to almost nothing.and things degenerated from then on she stopped talking. I am either crazy or beyond stubborn cause I still haven't given up after 2x dumped

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Sorry to beat a dead horse (!) but this reminds me of something Al Turtle says about space. He says that there are times when one party or the other needs space--a lot of space---to the point where you should think of it as letting them out of the relationship while they're still in it, if that makes sense. In other words, you're giving them the feeling of complete freedom without ending the relationship, which is what they'll do if they can't get their space within it. Note: this doesn't mean freedom to sleep around. It means freedom from expectations/demands for a short period within a monogamous relationship.

 

I'd say if you get the message that he wants space, let him go. Don't invite him. Don't seduce him. Just let him go do his thing. Do it in a loving, supportive way. Don't make a big deal--just quietly loosen your grip and be pleasant whenever he resurfaces. If you can do this for him, my prediction is he'll not only come back, but he'll come back faster and more fully. And he probably won't want the space as much in the future. Worked for me ; )

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Thanks guys. Really. I'm so glad no one is on here saying "I told you so..."

 

I know he wants this to work, or at least he did as of two weeks ago. I'll have a talk with him, find out what he's really able or willing to do. I'm not expecting perfection, too old and wise for that. But I do need to know if he's still in the game, and how hard he's willing to play to make it work.

 

If he's not...gosh...break my heart...I'll move on.

 

IMO, this is one of those moments when more communication may not be the best thing. You want to have this conversation because you want his reassurance. He wants to disengage for whatever reason---may not even be about you---but your need for reassurance may be too much for him at this particular moment. So, do an experiment. See if you can convince yourself that everything's fine and everything's gonna be fine. Meet your own needs this once and let him have some time and space to meet his. Give it a couple of days and see if things haven't improved on their own.

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Well, its moot. I went over there to get some of my gear. He said,"what's going on?" I asked, "what's going on with you? There has been a major shift in the relationship and you aren't talking about it."

 

He then told me that he didn't want to work on it anymore, that I wast the right girl for him. And its over.

 

He was so fine and loving prior to his last river trip. After that he shut down. I've been giving him his space for three weeks, not pressing him. I'm sorry, but when you are working through an infidelity, communication is the key. Turttles stuff about massive space goes out the window when you are trying to regain someone's trust.

 

So all I can say is I tried. He blew his last shot. Not that he cares.

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I think coolchick is absolutely right. His dad's in hospice. He's let you know that's hard for him. When a guy needs space, and sometimes they really DO and that's just fine, don't go in for the TALK. That just repels them. Get to a place where you can fill the emptiness when he's not giving you what you feel you need. You'll be so hot, if the passion can still be there, he'll come running when he's ready.

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Well, its moot. I went over there to get some of my gear. He said,"what's going on?" I asked, "what's going on with you? There has been a major shift in the relationship and you aren't talking about it."

 

He then told me that he didn't want to work on it anymore, that I wast the right girl for him. And its over.

 

He was so fine and loving prior to his last river trip. After that he shut down. I've been giving him his space for three weeks, not pressing him. I'm sorry, but when you are working through an infidelity, communication is the key. Turttles stuff about massive space goes out the window when you are trying to regain someone's trust.

 

So all I can say is I tried. He blew his last shot. Not that he cares.

 

Oh my God. I am so sorry... Like seriously, my heart thumped all the way down to my stomach when I read the middle part of your post...

 

That has got to hurt so bad. I am so sorry! *hugs*

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Aw, Trxy, you totally rock. I know you'll be ok.

 

I have to agree with CoolChick and minou. They are wise women.

 

This is tricky. Remember his dad is in hospice. This is the stuff of life. This is one of those times that try the strength of people. Sex may not be on his mind right now. It doesn't necessarily mean he's checked out of the relationship permanently, or indicate cheating. He may be checked out of a lot of things in life. Maybe work is the only thing that eases his mind right now.

 

Yes, you have the trifecta - friendship, sexual attraction, emotional bonding. But not all of these have to be working all the time. It's commitment that ties them together.

 

Love can sometimes mean patience. If you push him at his weakest time, yes perhaps that shows to him that you are not the right girl for him.

 

You're understandably wary. You have history. Maybe the past damage to your trust cannot be overcome. But his dad being in hospice is not likely to reoccur, sadly. If you can get through this you can get through a lot.

 

You said he said he loves you. You said you don't thing he's cheating. The optimist in me wishes you could take these at face value and just let him know you are there for him in this tough time.

 

Only you know whether that is a situation you can live with.

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Thanks you guys! Actually, now that the shock has worn off, I'm totally fine. Relieved actually. That relationship was so much work! And I'm glad I did it. Glad I put in the effort, learned so much! But I'm also very glad it is over.

 

He did me a huge favor by ending it. Right now, I'm not sad at all. I deserve, and will someday find, someone who treats me better.

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Thanks you guys! Actually, now that the shock has worn off, I'm totally fine. Relieved actually. That relationship was so much work! And I'm glad I did it. Glad I put in the effort, learned so much! But I'm also very glad it is over.

 

He did me a huge favor by ending it. Right now, I'm not sad at all. I deserve, and will someday find, someone who treats me better.

 

Yep. Being in a relationship where you don't think someone is cheating is not worthwhile and you'd only be selling yourself short by sticking around. A worthwhile relationship is one where you know your partner isn't cheating. It never even comes into question. Trust. It's the foundation for everything. Once that goes, everything else goes with it. There's nothing to build on. You deserve so much more than that.

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