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ksanija

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My bf and i had a serious chat about us about a month ago – i didn’t feel he was as serious about the relationship as i was, that he would prefer to be single and that i was feeling like a convenience... therefore, we should take a break until he could decide what he wanted from US.

 

As soon as i said those words, i could see it on his face, he was utterly in shock...why, i don’t know, as i had brought it up previously with him – and if i have a problem with anything, i tend to let him know.

 

ANYWHO, he promised me then and there things would change, and things have been great over the past month – he had said we’d do dinner once a week, movies couple times a month etc. I had told him i didn’t want him to feel we had to go out and spend money on things, just to feel that i was important to him and a priority...

 

Since then, we have been doing things together, we have been doing dinner (just us atleast once a week), the communication has always been great between us – i think maybe in 13 months, there’s only been a handful of times where we have gone a day without some form of communication.

 

Turns out his housemate (who is a major problem – not by any fault of his own – bf seems to feel indebted to him about their living arrangements) will be taking a job in another state and a couple months back, bf asked if it all came through would i consider moving in...of course i would!! He tells he misses me and he loves me and is overall quite affectionate...as i said things have definitely changed in the past month, he and i are both making an effort.

 

HOWEVER, common courtesy...is this something that often gets overlooked?? For example, we went to Sexpo last weekend and were given showbags, in which there were 3 ‘softcore p0r n0 mags and a couple of below average dvds. We watched the dvds together, had a quick flip through the mags and put them on the pile of Ralph and FHM mags on their coffee table. The other morning i was making the bed, and what’s poking out of under the bed on his side...none other than the magazines!! I honestly don’t mind...i don’t like the fact that he could be fantasising about other girls, but i guess that’s a reality i have to face, and the fact we went to sexpo together perhaps shows him i’m comfortable with it all...the thing is, i brought it up jokingly with him, ‘oh hey, you got some nice bed time reading under your bed’...and his reply was, ‘oh yeh, well can’t really leave them out on the table when roomie has his missus over (they’ve only JUST started dating), don’t want her to think we’re a bunch of perverts’...the thing is, as i said, i don’t care, but hey he can’t have roomie’s prospective gf seeing the mags, but i can find them in HIS room!!

 

Just like how he will clean up their apartment when he knows roomies gf is coming round, but whenever i’m over there, the place is an utter pig sty...i’m talking mould on plates or when if i leave on a Monday morning and not back til Thursday nite, the plates i put in the dishwasher are still sitting there unwashed...again, he goes to the effort to impress the roomie and gf, but doesn’t show me the same courtesy.

 

There have been a couple of other instances, he came over one weekend (normally my place is too far out as i’m about 50 minutes from the city when he is in walking distance), made out like he was doing this thing ALL for me, til i found out he’d offered his bed to his roommates friends who were in town for a concert. Another example, he was all ‘i really miss you, can i come over after work today’? of course!! I got a phonecall from him when he was on his way over, asking if any of his clothes were over at mine so he didn’t have to go home, coz he didn’t want to have to go home, he really didn’t want to go home...i thought that odd – but then i was speaking to his roommate later, and he had headed out to town...my BF has done this before when he’s know roomie is going out, so he doesn’t get persuaded, ‘oh, i don’t want to have to go home’...so again i felt like a convenience.

 

But yeh, as i said, common courtesy is big for me, i basically expect to be treated as i would treat people. I also tend to over-react as i don’t want to be taken for granted (due to bad experience with last relationship), so am struggling to work out what i should let go, when i’m over-reacting, when i should speak up etc...

 

I want to voice that he’s SO accommodating to other people, that he seems to sort of feel that we are one, that whatever he decides, he can talk to me like one of the guys, i’m always there for him (which i am). But i feel he’s starting to take it a little for granted and am wondering how to bring this up without being confrontational about it or sounding jealous...do i even bother?? Are these minor things enough to get upset about??

 

Other than this, our relationship has been fantastic!! We went for a bike ride on Sunday and had dinner out at an actual restaurant, VERY RARE occasion and he made a point in saying, 'see i told you things would change'...again he's talking about living together, and when we will next fly out to see his family from interstate - we spent xmas and new years with his family - we all get along great, his nan calls him constantly to tell him to tell me she loves me!! I'm having an operation in a couple of weeks of which he's very supportive, even offering me to stay at his place while i recover as i won't be able to drive. We're thinking of moving up north with our jobs - everything in the future he talks about involves US!!

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so am struggling to work out what i should let go, when i’m over-reacting, when i should speak up etc...

 

Other than this, our relationship has been fantastic!!

 

I think he's put in a lot of effort and you should give him more credit, it'll never be perfect as you already know but do you think you are in fact looking into this too much?

 

A lot of things you are worrying about sounds very minor, nothing to worry or even think critical of

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I think he's put in a lot of effort and you should give him more credit, it'll never be perfect as you already know but do you think you are in fact looking into this too much?

 

A lot of things you are worrying about sounds very minor, nothing to worry or even think critical of

I agree - it seems you are almost looking for things to have a grievance about.

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I think he's put in a lot of effort and you should give him more credit, it'll never be perfect as you already know but do you think you are in fact looking into this too much?

 

A lot of things you are worrying about sounds very minor, nothing to worry or even think critical of

 

I KNOW he's putting a lot of effort in, and i am too, as i do quite often overthink things. Guess i'm still trying to find the balance of letting things go, but not letting myself get taken for granted. I know these are minor things, VERY minor things, and in my bf case, he has never been malicious or would intentionally hurt me.

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the impressing the roommate's gf is understandable, she's new, she doesn't know! lol, you on the other hand, already know both of them so well... there's no point putting up a charade.

 

 

i do have a sense that he is taking you for granted in another way though.. and might even be manipulative or maybe it's just the way your post is coming off. either way, i don't recommend moving in with him when you're unsure. that will leave you with even more uncertainty and more hurt if and when it doesn't work out.

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