LLammas Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 The ex and I literally JUST broke up yesterday. He wanted to be "friends," and I told him I'd rather not. My story is here if you're interested: Although I told him I did not want to be friends, he egged me on claiming he'd talk to me later when I calmed down and came to my senses. Today, he texted me to ask how I was feeling. I'm going for No Contact and I don't want to read too much into it, but did I screw it all up by replying? My reply was a simple "I told you I do not wish to remain friends and I had hoped you would respect that by not texting me." Is this only going to drive him further away, or is it a good starting point for NC? Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxJustMexX Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I read your other post up until I saw the word bipolar and didn't even bother reading further... A bit of a background... I'm bipolar... and boyfriend of 8 months is also bipolar. We're "on a break" right now because he doesn't know what he wants. I too get on these when I cycle as well... I've been on both ends. I've been the dumper and the dumpee... Matter of fact I'm kinda there in BOTH those spots right now with him and my ex before him... I dumped my ex of 4 years because I went into an episode, got with my current ex for 8 months, and then he proceeded to do the same thing I did to my ex because he went into an episode... Anyway... my ex wants to "be friends"... I knew he was like this as he's friends with ALL his exes... Being bipolar myself, I know this is a way to keep people around due to insecurities... I'm not that bad, but my ex is... A bipolar person will keep people around because of insecurities... They need constant reassurance that they're cared about. Again, I'm not that bad, but I see it in my ex... If he loves you, he'll come to realize it himself when he comes out his episode... When you're in an episode everything is jumbled in your mind... It's anxiety x100... it's just not the time you want someone to think logically. I personally would leave him be for a while and let him come to you when he's ready. You should also somehow make sure he's not in an episode when you speak to him because if he is, there's no use since nothing a bipolar person says when they're in an episode is really valid... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxJustMexX Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 My reply was a simple "I told you I do not wish to remain friends and I had hoped you would respect that by not texting me." Is this only going to drive him further away, or is it a good starting point for NC? Help! Oh, and to add... I would simply tell him that you will contact him when you are ready to speak to him. I know it seems like a game, but this leaves the ball in your court. When a bipolar person loses control, it drives them crazy and they want to gain it back... It won't drive him further away, it will more than likely have him thinking of you even more... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLammas Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 Thanks for the advice, XxJustMexX. After I texted him that, he shot me one back saying "Sorry you're upset. We'll talk about it some other time." I responded again, but I shouldn't have..."You don't get it. I don't want to be friends. Just want you out of my life." Is this going to drive him nuts or over the edge? I'm not trying to be a horrible person, here, I'm just trying to stress that I don't want him chatting me up about my feelings right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxJustMexX Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 It depends on where his cycle is... If he's depressed, that might make him more depressed, and if he's not, that might cause him to be depressed... That's what caused my "break" with my last ex... I said something very mean and it just flipped a switch with him and he's been depressed ever since. He went into this whole huge "I don't know what I want in life" trance that bipolar people go through... If you don't want to speak with him right now, just say so and tell him you'll contact him if and when you're ready... This will most likely cause him to go on a cycle though... Which cycle I don't know. Neither is safe as depression isn't very fun, but neither is an extreme manic episode. I'd hate to say it but us bipolar people are really difficult to deal with... When I'm upset I usually get manic and go on spending sprees, drinking sprees, etc... My ex is the opposite, he's more of a depressed type... (I'm an extreme manic and he's an extreme depressive one...) I think you should try to figure out which side he leans more toward because this will give you an idea of how to deal with him if you decide to eventually get back with him... As for tip-toing around his cycles, it's up to you whether you're up to it... As great as it is to be with a bipolar person because of the "extreme" love they give, it's also frustrating during an episode... It sucks I know... Are you planning on getting back with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I guess I'm not completely clear on what you want from him... I don't have a lot of experience that I'm aware of with bi-polar people. That said, do you treat these people any differently than other people or do you treat them like you treat everyone else? Again, not knowing everything, if I dated anyone with a mental health issue, they would not get much from me at all in the way of a relationship unless they were in therapy and on meds and consistent with trying to be in control of their illness. Not much different than dating a diabetic that doesn't take care of themselves and I have been there and done that. I can't help or support anyone that doesn't help themselves. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't let anyone use anything as an excuse for bad behavior and I don't stick around to support someone that doesn't help themselves at all, not for the long term. So once again, what is it that you want to happen here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxJustMexX Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 That said, do you treat these people any differently than other people or do you treat them like you treat everyone else? They shouldn't be treated "different" per se... but if you're aware of a mental issue of a loved one, you should know better and learn about the illness instead of just passing it off as nothing... I personally wouldn't treat a depressed teenager the same as a happy chipper one... That wouldn't make sense. If I know someone's on the brink of committing suicide or something why on earth wouldn't I do all I can to help them? It seems almost inhumane to just "be whatever" about it... Telling an emotionally together person something like let's say "you're worthless" is nowhere near the same as telling a depressed person that. One can end up getting you laughed at and flipped off, and the other can end in a suicide. Saying "oh well" is just well... can't find the word for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLammas Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 I guess I'm not completely clear on what you want from him... I don't have a lot of experience that I'm aware of with bi-polar people. That said, do you treat these people any differently than other people or do you treat them like you treat everyone else? So once again, what is it that you want to happen here? I've given him more space because I know he's on an emotional rollercoaster at any given point, but I really don't treat him any differently than anyone else I've dated. He doesn't get to treat me badly and use his mental health as an excuse. To clarify, he is on antidepressants but can't always afford to keep current with the prescription. When he's got necessary meds in his system, his cycling is minimal. He'll occassionally get mopey or unwilling to clean up after himself, but that's about it. The last time he asked to be "just friends" he was off of the meds he needs because he didn't have enough money to renew the prescription. I was upset, but I let it go after he apologized and explained what had happened. He gets into a panicked state without them and it seems like everything, including me, is smothering him. What I want is for him to snap out of it and for us to get back together, but I have no intention of hanging around as a friend and letting him use me as a "safe date" or a "back up." I want him to miss me and come back, and I want him to be safe, sane, and healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 What I want is for him to snap out of it and for us to get back together, but I have no intention of hanging around as a friend and letting him use me as a "safe date" or a "back up." I want him to miss me and come back, and I want him to be safe, sane, and healthy. And you have clarified all of this with him? Or in other words, clearly stated your terms? If so, then I wouldn't worry about it. Keep doing NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLammas Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 And you have clarified all of this with him? Or in other words, clearly stated your terms? If so, then I wouldn't worry about it. Keep doing NC. I have more or less made my terms clear. "Either you're sticking with the relationship, or you're not contacting me anymore because I don't want to be just friends." I'm not really sure who's court you could say the ball is in, but fingers crossed NC will work for me. I want him to snap out of it and come back, but only time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I have more or less made my terms clear. "Either you're sticking with the relationship, or you're not contacting me anymore because I don't want to be just friends." Well in that case, YOU GO GIRL! I told my ex the same thing and I made it very clear; commit to the relationship or delete my number. And I don't regret it. That doesn't mean that I don't care about him or sometimes wish that he would call. But I will tell you this, the more time spent away from him and the relationship, the easier it is. Time and distance has created a healthy uncertainity. And that is the beauty of NC, though I haven't been ultra strict with it. I do know what my limits are and I've kept contact limited to email. I also deleted his number so I could not call him. This works because I saw him a couple of weeks ago and he didn't see me and I had a weak moment. If I would have had his number, I would have called and had a MAJOR setback. Anyway, welcome to ENA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgirl Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I told my ex the same thing and I made it very clear; commit to the relationship or delete my number. Gee uncomfynumb, you are very sensible! I think this is the best advice on ENA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLammas Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 Uncomfynumb, I did do the whole number deletion thing so I won't be tempted to call or text. I guess that's why I'm so annoyed with his texts today. I spent over an hour removing all old texts containing his number so I wouldn't be tempted to put it back in my address book, and here he is texting me just after I finish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Gee uncomfynumb, you are very sensible! I think this is the best advice on ENA. Well... thanks! I think I got a little beef about it at first from some posters but that was perhaps before they knew or understood the situation and also because my ex was under a lot of stress at the time, it might have seemed a little harsh but gee whiz! Life is hard for all of us sometimes and if that is all the reason one needs to bail on a relationship, then the bottom line is that I can't be all that special to him. That is the cold, hard truth. But the truth, will set you free! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Uncomfynumb, I did do the whole number deletion thing so I won't be tempted to call or text. I guess that's why I'm so annoyed with his texts today. I spent over an hour removing all old texts containing his number so I wouldn't be tempted to put it back in my address book, and here he is texting me just after I finish. Got to delete it from the sim card or whatever they call that damn thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Yeah, but try not to look too much when deleting things. You know, I tried deleting all his missed calls from my land line so I'd have no access to his numbers. Unfortunately there were like 50 missed calls. And while hitting "delete" 50 times it's almost like my brain just made a last-ditch crazy attempt to hang onto him, and by the time I put down the handset somehow I'd managed to memorize all his numbers. Over the next two months from time to time they would pop up in my brain, almost as though my brain was refreshing them to make sure they didn't fade away and I didn't lose him totally. Despite having his numbers stored in my mental address book, I never did call him, though. Eventually I just somehow switched over to remembering the numbers, but not thinking of them as numbers I could call any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I definitely don't remember my ex's whole number but I do remember the last four digits. That is a good thing. If I had had his number that night I had a weak moment and actually tried to call him, then I would have been a success at getting through and no telling how I might feel right now, probably worse. So, if there is a chance that you might remember the number, have a friend delete them for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.