Advice needed

[BackToYou]

My ex dumped me three months ago because she felt I neglected her. I did my best to get her back for two months with no result. She said she doesn`t want to be in a relationship right now ( or in next few years) but wants to keep me in her life as "a friend". Actually she told me in her email that we are more than friends, whatever that means.

She seems to be very afraid about loosing me completely. She`s contacting me constantly, mostly on msn. We spent last weekend together and went to dinner, coffee, movies etc. and had a long walk. She was the one who asked me out. She`s giving me crumbs every now and then like calling me honey etc.. But I have my reasons to doubt her motives to keep me in her life. After break up she has been very lonely and loosing me completely would be disastrous to her. She has told me that doing things together would help us to get over the break up. After that I have done my best to be "unavailable" to her except the last weekend.

What I am thinking now is to tell her politely not to contact me unless she genuinely wants to discuss about possible reconciliation. Do you think this would be the right thing to do? Or should I stay in her life as "a friend" and not to cut the ties with her?

[ksh1255]

If it is stopping you from healing, and she doesn't want a relationship - move on, it's the only way.

[shes2smart]

What I am thinking now is to tell her politely not to contact me unless she genuinely wants to discuss about possible reconciliation. Do you think this would be the right thing to do?

 

IMO, yes. If you want to be back together as a couple, then don't willingly take the role of Security Blanket or Fall Back Guy. She broke up with you....let her live with the first and obvious consequence of that -- no more you in her life, at all.

 

Or should I stay in her life as "a friend" and not to cut the ties with her?

 

If you genuinely want nothing more than a friendship with her, stay. Doesn't sound like that's what you want, though. In that case, settling for being "just friends" is probably going to end up being hurtful to you. (Could you see yourself being genuinely happy for her if she met Mr. Man Of Her Dreams tomorrow, it wasn't you and she was gushing to you about him?) Kinda don't think so.

 

Friendships should have some aspect of mutual beneficiality -- BOTH parties need to be getting something out of it. Preferably something positive...and preferably NOT just the faint hope that someday these crumbs may blossom back into a romantic relationship.

[Aviatormy]

I think you already know this answer.

 

Do you feel as if you neglected her? Can you give us more details as to why the two of you broke it off in the first place? How long were you guys dating before the break?

[Ms Darcy]

If you want to reconcile, then you are right. Tell her not to contact you unless she wants that and then CUT HER OFF.

[bridget]

Actually she told me in her email that we are more than friends, whatever that means.

 

I think what she probably means by that is that you know each other a lot better than other friends - that she really values you.

 

If she wanted nothing to do with you, then she wouldn't be contacting you or seeing you...so that's a good start. It doesn't sound like she is seeing anybody else seriously if she is investing time into you.

 

But why does she think you were neglecting her? Would you agree with that to any degree? I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about that, if you have any chance at reconciliation.

 

I would do that first, and if that doesn't lead anywhere, re-assess whether you can stay friends with her.

[BackToYou]

Thanks for the replies

 

I think you already know this answer.

 

Do you feel as if you neglected her? Can you give us more details as to why the two of you broke it off in the first place? How long were you guys dating before the break?

 

Yes, in my heart I have known the answer from the day one but I was afraid to let go.

We were together for 10 months and spent every minute of our lives together. We had an intimate and loving relationship and we enjoyed each others company. NONE of our mutual friends could not believe that she had broken up with me.

About month before the breaking up she got depressed. She had a lot of stress from school and had a serious problems in her family. At the same time she was neglected by her friends so she really felt bad. Sometimes she blamed our relationship (and me) for her problems due the reason she had spent too much time with me. Ironically she told me one month ago that she felt I neglected her at that time and she was not able to be with me anymore. I don`t know why but she`s still saying that breaking up was a mutual decision. In reality she literally dumped me. I cried, begged and pleaded for days.

Of course immediately after b/u I blamed myself a lot about everything. But now when time has passed and I can look at our relationship more objectively, I see that there was nothing I could have done better. She just decided to throw our relationship away in a heat of moment and I think she may feel guilty right now. That`s why she`s stringing me along, I suppose.

 

But now I feel I have really done everything to get her back. It`s time to move on with or without her.

[BackToYou]

Little advice needed again. The day after my last post in this thread I had an 2,5 h conversation with her about our situation. I told her again that I can`t be friends with her because I still have romantic feelings towards her and wanted more than friendship. She got a bit crazy of that and said she feels I am shutting her off my life and I am going to replace her with other people. I kept myself calm and told her I am not shutting her off my life completely but I can`t keep going on like this.

After that she said that relationship failed because she screwed up (somehow, she did not define) and right now she has no support from anyone. She said she felt I neglected and insulted her when she needed me most. I admitted that and apologized deeply. She said she was fine with that I do not want be in her life and ended the conversation. I went NC after that and I was sure I was not going to hear from her anytime soon.

 

FFD to yesterday. I just started to feel ok after the closure she gave me but then she contacted me. First she was just chit catting but then I told her politely if she just wanted catch up I needed to end the conversation. I told her that if she wanted to discuss about the reconciliation, I would be ready to listen. She said she`s still too hurt atm to discuss about the relationship but she wanted me to know that she misses me a lot. She wanted to go out with me someday. The conversation was short but it really got my hopes up ( not a good thing..).

 

I have been on NC/NIC for a 1,5 months and after the last conversation with her I have considered to go LC ( initiating contact once in a while). Do you think this would be a good move considering what she said? Or should I keep going on with NC/NIC?