11 days post breakup - he is coming over tonight - question for dumpees

[BU191433]

Briefly, we dated for 2 years, lived together for 9 months, I broke up with him 11 days ago. He never said a word, I explained a little about why, but he was in shock and likely didn't hear any of what I said. he did call me about 30 minutes after he left asking if we could start over - I said no.

 

Since then we have only sent a couple of text messages back and forth and the only topic that has been discussed is his dog which I have been taking care of since the breakup. But I am leaving town tomorrow for a few days and he is picking up his dog and is coming to my place to do so.

 

I have no idea what to expect.

 

I have a question for those who were dumped. What should I do, should I attempt to have a discussion with him? Completely leave it up to him? Ask him if he wants to talk about it? Should I try to avoid everything, just make sure he gets his dog and avoid even eye contact.

 

I want to do whatever he wants to do, whatever will help him recover. I know the NC benefits, but I also think there is some benefits for him to know more about my reasoning - my only goal is to help him move on.

 

There is also the issue of the dog, I love taking care of the dog, but I wonder how long that is going to last, I expect him to bring the dog back on Friday evening when I get back in town. Granted his living situation is up in the air, but how long should I take care of the dog - doesn't that in some ways tie us together and make it harder for him to move on. Should I tell him, don't bring the dog back, you need to move on?

 

Thanks for reading and any thoughts would be appreciated. How awkward will the meeting be tonight? if he asks me how I am doing should I be honest (not very well) and tell him some details. Would it make him feel better as the dumpee to know I am really hurting also?

 

thanks

[JBaker]

If you do not intend to ever get back together with him then tell him so, but gently. Telling him that you are hurt about the breakup will give him hope. So if you do tell him that, be sure that he also knows that you do not intend on ever working things out.

 

As for the dog: give him all the time he needs to set up his situation so that he can eventually get his dog back. Don't rush him. That would be unfair to him and the dog.

[Psinic]

Hi,

 

As a dumpee 3 weeks past the event, I am still torn apart. Part of this is being caused, I feel, because i dont think i fully understand her reasons. I have so many questions, but am trying to go NC so can't ask.

 

It would help him to understand fully why you decided to leave, but only if he is ready to hear it. Knowing that you are hurting i think would also help him, as i am left with a feeling that my ex just doesn't care, but it is important that if you are sure it is over, you tell him this as weel to stop that glimmering beacon of hope that we dumpees cling on to..

 

Good luck - it will be tough, but then this situation is, you just have to get through any way you can.

 

Psi.

[BU191433]

Hi,

 

As a dumpee 3 weeks past the event, I am still torn apart. Part of this is being caused, I feel, because i dont think i fully understand her reasons. I have so many questions, but am trying to go NC so can't ask.

 

 

OK, that leads me to a question: Wouldn't it help you to have some of your questions answered before going into NC - wouldn't that help the healing process. Or am I wrong. But I would think the healing process would be stalled if you are always wondering why.

 

thanks for your response,

[FrenchFries]

If he's got questions answer them truthfully (but gently of course).

 

As for the dog, I'd give him a certain span of time, say a month, to find other accommodations for it. If you leave it open indefinitely he may drag out finding another place for it in order to keep in touch with you. I know this probably sounds mean, but if you do not ever intend to be with him again, it really is best that he knows that it's time to move on and cut all lines of communication with you.

 

I know I wouldn't want any false shreds of hope from someone who had no intentions of taking me back, just because they wanted to spare my feelings.

[BU191433]

That went about as badly as could be expected. He called me when he arrived - honestly if I didn't know it was when by the caller ID I would not have recognized the voice, asked if I wanted to come down, I said I would have to make two trips, so he came up. I opened the door so when he arrived so he could just walk in as I was getting the stuff together. The dog goes crazy of course when he saw his owner, but I didn't see that, probably would have started crying.

 

He walked in, did look good, didn't say hello, nor did I. Just told him what the stuff was, and I followed him down, no talking at all - there were soooo many things I wanted to say, so many questions, but I didn't say anything. When we got outside I mentioned something about the dog, said goodbye to the dog and walked away. Honestly I don't know if I told him goodbye or see you later. Obviously he didn't wish me a nice or safe trip.

 

The number of emotions going through me all at once was extreme, and it ruined my evening. I understand why NC is a must now.

 

Thanks for all your advice in their thread, but most of all just thanks for allowing me to vent.

 

He brings the dog back Saturday for I don't know how long.

 

Part of me wishes he would get mad at me, yell, say something, do something anything. Not that it would help anything, but that is what I feel