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The rollercoaster crashes


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Let me begin by saying that this is my second post -- I usually just read the posts. But I've found it hard to keep everything bottled in, especially since some of the posts here have really seemed to be good advice. I have taken my situation and dissected it so many times and in so many different ways. I have also been pretty hard on myself because in all reality, I have always been my own toughest critic. I guess that I am tired of beating myself up and want to know what someone else thinks. It seems that there are some of you that have the wisdom of old souls.


I have been in a relationship with a lady for about 2-1/2 years. We are both in our 30's. We have now been apart for 6 weeks with no contact. This relationship that we have had seemed like a roller coaster in the amusement park. You know, like one of the really exciting rides, at times the highs have been real high and the lows have been real low.


To be honest, we have had some real basic relationship issues. You know, the growing pains you experience in getting to know somebody. We at times were both stupid and stubborn. But, honestly, in a passionate relationship, who isn't? In all relationships, I believe that the dynamics of it is basically like a tide, it ebbs and flows. You have ups and downs, through it all, if you really love somebody, you find that this is something you just accept as the nature of things. When you have someone's back, you have it, through thick and thin. I am not one to readily follow the grass is greener thing.


Through these basic trials of the relationship, I have found that it seemed that most of the time, I had to be the one to right any wrongs. Whether they were my wrongs or her wrongs, I had to be the one to always point out that in the big picture only love mattered -- not who was right or who was wrong. She on the other hand found it hard to get past things, and never really accepted much fault for anything. Not that I wanted to place fault anywhere, but I wanted her to take some initiative in getting past things. I am talking about basic, stupid things that arise, not anything really major. You know, I have big shoulders and I accepted that I had to be the one to straighten the ship. Through these things, I know that she cared for me and was just tough in her demeanor, but she still had a heart. I did want to marry this girl.


Now we have also had a couple major issues. About 2 yrs ago, her mother had passed away, it was a pretty tragic event actually. This was an event that I believe eventually doused the flames of our relationship. About 7 years ago, I have had my father die and I experienced a death at work some time after that. I know the pain and grief one feels. Well, she took her mom's death pretty rough, as can be expected. As time passed, she got better, but she became tougher than she normally was, not all in such a good way. She became cold and callous, numb to the feelings of people around her. It took longer for her to get past things, she sometimes did not seem to care for my feelings at all. She eventually stopped being intimate with me. But considering it all and what had happened, I accepted the way things were and tried to show her that love is a good thing and that it can work all things out.


Now after some more time, let's throw in a family issue. She was to be a bridesmaid for my brother's fiance in their wedding. The two women did not really know each other and for whatever reason they had a disagreement. My brother's fiance eventually decided to renege on my ex being a bridesmaid. You know, I think that this was all in all a really stupid issue between two people and could have been worked out differently, but I found myself between two stubborn people. As rational as I tried to be, my advice was not welcome on either side. So, long story short, I still wanted my ex to go to the wedding as my guest regardless of the bridesmaid thing. No matter what I had said, how much I said it would mean to me, and how much I would appreciate it, she could not swallow her pride and do this something for me. Something I had told her meant so much to me. I wanted the person I loved by my side. I would have gone through hell for her if she needed me to. This became the beginning of the end.


I tried to get past this, but could not always forget that she could not do this something for me. My brother's wife and my ex basically hated each other and they refused to be around each other. This became especially hard at family functions or holidays. I would get jabs from both sides. I could not always deal with it and sometimes I responded to my ex with an equally mean demeanor. We argued more and we eventually broke up the first time.


I felt emotionally wrecked. I was not proud of allowing myself to follow her suit in the way she dealt with things. I did not want our relationship to end on such a sour note. After many emails, and me basically begging her to try again, we did get back together after about 1 month.


After about 6 months of being back together, we recently broke up again. I know that I never allowed myself to become mean to her again, no matter what she did to me. Some of the things she said and did to me during the course of things hurt me deeply, but I just did not follow her ways, no matter what. I tried so very hard to make things right in our lives, and I tried so hard to get her to see that I truly above all wanted good in her life. She supposedly wanted love, but did not really allow herself to be loved or to love me back the way that I so badly needed her to love me. She never really invested herself back in our relationship and I think eventually just found some excuse to get out of it.


So I find myself on this roller coaster full speed and instead of doing what it is supposed to do, it crashes into a wall of separation. That is the way that I feel. I have been so stunned and numb for the past six weeks. My heart and soul have been going through a withdrawal of her. Oh God, does it hurt, it has know been twice. I feel that I had been there for her through all things good and bad, happy and sad, and now she betrays me and leaves me.


Through all this I find myself so emotionally torn and wanting to contact her. Today is her mom's birthday, and I just wanted to see if she is ok, beyond our relationship. I just want to know if she is ok. Deep down inside, my heart wants to do this, but my mind is telling me that she wants us to be where we are at, and not call her because she will shun me and not appreciate my compassion.

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