SVenus113 Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Hey Y'all, So my ex (of eight years) broke 31 days NC last week. He called around 7pm on my birthday. The call was very brief, literally 25 seconds. I was out at karaoke with my work friends. I could hardly hear him, but he sounded excited to speak w/ me and said a "Happy Birthday!" Seeing as how I could not hear him well, and surprisingly/fortunately the thought of leaving the karaoke room to talk with him further did not even enter my mind, I said "I'm celebrating my birthday! I'll call you some other time!" I'm happy about how it went. I think it was well played. The best part was it was incredibly natural for me. BUT, now the question - when do I call him back? The phone call/my bday was Thursday, the 11th. His birthday is this Saturday, the 20th. I'm thinking maybe a Thursday evening call to wish him an early happy bday/give it a solid week in between phone calls? That's what all of my friends are recommending I do. I don't know his plans on Sat anyway, and I'm sure he'll be busy, and I will likely be out of town, too. So calling before Sat seems best. Anyway, it has been hard for me to make it this long without calling. I'm worried he'll be mad I took so long to call back . . . but that's foolish, I know. Our mutual friend mentioned that he (my ex) mentioned wanting to ask me out for coffee or something, so this could be a good thing. As long as I DON'T jump the gun, make any assumptions, take it slow, and I suppose toughest of all, BE PATIENT. Ok, I guess I'm not asking for anything here really . . . maybe I just needed a forum to sort out my thoughts and feelings? Because Thursday really seems to be the best day for me, even though I want to call tonight!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lockdown91 Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 I think that's a great idea! The call did go well. And I think if you call Thurs and mention you aren't sure if you'll be around this weekend but you wanted to make sure you wished him a happy bday and you didn't know his plans...you're showing that you care, but you have your own life, and you respect that he has his. This may drive him crazy, and maybe it will give him the opportunity to ask you for coffee if that is what he's planning.... I hope it works out for you guys!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I'd wait and call him on his birthday just like he did you. If he doesn't pick up, you can leave him a message. I'm really happy for you by the way. You've done exactly what you were supposed to do. I wish I would have done that. Let us know how it all goes ok? And happy belated birthday! ((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Don't call him back - unless just doing like what was said - a birthday message, but on his birthday so he is not expecting that you want to see him on his birthday. This way you won't appear desperate. I think you have to decide what you want, though. Do you really want to get back together with him? Or is your intent something different? I know talking like this doesn't mean you will be an item again, but just don't get ahead of yourself and take things one thing at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 Thanks for the advice . . . . I would be calling him back to say Happy Birthday/say hello. I mean, we were together for eight years and then just went to NC . . . I wouldn't mind saying hi. I'm really trying not to expect anything, and I don't think that I do. But here's the thing: would it be rude to take ten days to call him back if I wait until his birthday? I don't want to make him think I ignored him. BUT I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing, right? You're supposed to go AGAINST what your emotions are telling you I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 But here's the thing: would it be rude to take ten days to call him back if I wait until his birthday? I don't want to make him think I ignored him. BUT I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing, right? You're supposed to go AGAINST what your emotions are telling you I suppose. Alot less rude than breaking up with someone you dated for 8 years... You owe this man nothing anymore. He made that decision, not you. If he loves you and wants you back, then he will be happy that you called 20 days from now. Besides you are not ignoring him. You are busy with your life. He didn't ask you to call him back even. You volunteered. And you were having fun, you forgot until you remember his birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 LOL I guess you're right. It's just so hard, I'd really love to call him tonight. But patience is a virtue, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saudade Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Sorry for invading your post..but I have kind same situation. My bf broke up with me 11 days ago...It has been really hard. It was really dramatic and I asked for NC. He seemed upset about it when I asked for it as he still wanna remain friends but he has been accomplishing it...And so have i. (God knows what I am going through) We see each other on msn almost everyday but we dont talk. Havent spoken since the breakup at all. Friday is his Bday, should I send a msg to wishing him a Happy Birthday or just leave it.? And my bday is coming up two weeks after his. I didnt want to fail my NC challenge but I dont want him to think that I dont care anymore. What should i do? Do you have any advice ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 I know how you feel . . . that's a tough call. I think a lot of people would say DON'T CALL, since he broke up with you. By not calling him it may really be a shock to his system. However, I know how it hard it can be, so I understand if you did call him. Sorry, that probably doesn't help much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobD70 Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I didnt want to fail my NC challenge but I dont want him to think that I dont care anymore. Actually you DO want this. IF you were to ever reconcile successfully it will be when he thinks he will lose you for good. The best thing you could do is act like him dumping you doesn't bother you and you are fine without him. Being too nice and acting like you would take him back with open arms takes away in incentives to want to try again. People value what they can't have/difficult to obtain so you basically have to play hard to get now. Human nature sucks but if you ignore it then you'll end up sabotaging yourself. With NC, you can't screw up. The best course of action is to ignore him, even if he contacts you. It will try him crazy if he thinks you stopped caring and moved on. I know from personal experience and it was a hard lesson for me. Took me like 2 years to get over a girl I dumped after she moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 So, RobD, or any other dumpers out there, you're saying it will have a greater effect to NOT call on a birthday . . . but then when DO you contact them? I mean, in my case he did contact me, so I suppose the ball is more-or-less in my court as to what to do now. Saudade is in a different situation. I suppose maybe in her's I'd say don't call. I know what the answer is here for all of us dumpee's: move on. But in my case, I am happy to have received contact and do want to reciprocate, just looking for the proper way . . . . But again, lessons here are same as always: BE PATIENT, DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING, and MOVE ON. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uncomfynumb Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 LOL I guess you're right. It's just so hard, I'd really love to call him tonight. But patience is a virtue, right? Yes patience is a virtue and that is one that I don't have! I disagree with RobD70 only because his advice seems to delve into the realm of game playing. While I agree that is best to hesitate rather than give a quick reponse and it is good not to appear too eager, the bottom line is that two people can't have a relationship, friendship or otherwise, without honesty. I think you are clear that you want to reconcile but are you clear on your own terms? And that is the real magic of waiting, not to play the game to increase their desire but to determine what is in your best interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saudade Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Thank you guys for the replies. Today....day 12(NC) it s been so emotional for me...Argh!! i hate feeling like this. Well, I decided not to msg/txt for his Bday. I ve been thinking if he really cared whether or not i would've remembered his birthday, he would not have broken up with me 2 weeks prior to his birthday on the first place. Today i am angry ... I got a low grade in my midterm. (he broke up with me the wkd prior my exam, couldnt focus at all) This website has been helping to build up my will power during this though time of my life. Thanks to all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 Stay strong, girl! Much hugs to you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squirl Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Svenus, In your situation, I would call him "some other time," like you said. This is assuming you want to seem like a consistent, together person that means what she says and is in control of her actions. I think you can let him know your absence without being a flake. If you want to call him for his birthday, call him on his birthday, just like he did on yours. Or call him afterwards and say hey getting back to you - happy late birthday btw. The question of how to respond to contact should to be taken in the context of how things were left. Look at it from his side - why should he be calling you again when you said you'd call him and you didn't? How would you feel if someone took your call from a loud nightclub, said they would call you some other time and they never did? It's not rude to take your time. And if you had said "Thanks! Talk to you later," it would be fine not to call too. But see it from their point of view. When you say you'll call and don't, it doesn't necessarily show that they don't have you. It shows you don't do what you say. Mirroring back their initiation of contact builds trust and comfort. It shows you are cordial, but not working hard at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squirl Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Sorry, my last reply was for SVenus. In Saudade's case I would not break NC for his birthday. You left it that you wanted no contact, and that is what you should be doing. Hope you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVenus113 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 Mirroring back their initiation of contact builds trust and comfort. It shows you are cordial, but not working hard at it. So I think I get it. Basically repeat what he did and call on the birthday . . . ugh, patience is a * * * * * !! I really wanted to call tomorrow lol. This will pay off in the end in some way or another. Whether we get back together or not, this test in my patience has to pay off somehow . . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saudade Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 So this the day. His bday. It s hurting so much that I wont be there to celebrate with him. Today it has been 2 weeks since the breakup and NC at all since I asked him for it. I still debating if I should or not send just a txt aknowlegding his bday. I think if I do that it would show that I am fine with the breakup now and not holding grudge then it would be a good start for him to get in touch with me again, no?! Im thinking that because isnt one the goals it is to show the ex that you fine and moving on? i am confused!!! I think he thinks I hate him. Because this the last thing I said to him. I was angry and upset. I know him well that if he thinks Im still upset about it he wont contact until i do. Ignoring his bday isnt too mean? Argh!! Am i too nice?. =( Oh God its so hard to decide what to do. Please, please some guidance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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