Hrm. This one may have been entirely my fault.

[mrpositive]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months in a rather dramatic fashion. She had been pulling away from me for a few days, initially because she was depressed. I wasn't very good at responding to her depression, and anytime I showed affection I seemed to be pushing her further away.

Her depression was serious, and she had cut herself. I tried to figure out *why*.. and in doing so kept blaming myself.

 

The actual break-up happened when I had noticed her repeatedly talking to her ex-boyfriend via text message. I had snooped on her phone and found that she had deleted the entire history of conversation. I also noticed a message to her friend that said about me (paraphrasing) "he is being very clingy and annoying, I think I'm going to end it soon". During the breakup I said some intentionally hurtful, regretful things. She became so angry that she actually physically struck me several times.

 

She's already spending time with the ex-boyfriend she had originally left for me..

 

Obviously I need to get my emotions in check, and learn to control my anger and tongue. A few days after the breakup I expressed interest in reconciliation but was strongly rebuffed. Since then I have gone NC and should probably remain so indefinitely.

 

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for shoving away someone I cared about so deeply..

 

The relationship likely moved too quickly, and we were both initially very enamored with each other. She had never gotten out of contact with the ex she had left me for.. but until a few days before the breakup it never seriously bothered me.

 

Any thoughts on this situation would be appreciated!

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not sure why it didn't bother you, that she was still in contact with her "ex" while you were together. What were you getting out of this? I'm not saying that she wasn't depressed, but that didn't stop her from still seeing her "ex", correct?

[mrpositive]

I suppose it did irk me a bit.. but I tried my best to hide it. I wanted to trust her.

 

It just hurts that she got involved with me when she clearly had unresolved "stuff" with him. I feel like I was a rebound or just a tool for jealousy.

[mrpositive]

Anyone else have any thoughts on this one? I'm pretty sure my emotional outburst at the end ruined any chance of her even talking to me again

[squirl]

Please do not beat yourself up or blame yourself.

 

She was abusive. Hitting is never ok. Neither is texting behind your back about you.

 

Please believe that this was not your fault. Healthy love does not look like hitting and cutting. The cutting and depression are serious medical conditions that need treatment. It's not a matter of trusting more, it's a matter of her getting help for the depression.

 

Perhaps you could talk to a therapist or counselor about your feelings. Or read up on some resources that talk about codependence, abuse, or victims of narcissistic personality disorder. Not saying she is that, or you are that, but the advice there can be helpful to see where your responsibilities end and hers begin.

 

Good luck. Hope you feel better.