Ex gone GIGS - Need Advice!

[neverlost]

Hi everyone. I thought i'd share my story so here it is. I'll try to keep it short.

 

Girlfriend of a bit more than 2 years dumped me on Jan. 1st, saying she loves me but she's confused, she doesn't know, maybe in a few months… I go to beg and we see each other every day for the next month or so.

 

I learn that there's another guy in the picture that I never saw but she referred to him previously as 'just a friend'. By the way I'm 12 years older than she is, and the relationship was excellent before, one of the best match among my previous girlfriends.

 

I don't really think anything happened at that point with him. So I try for a whole month, with ups and downs to reason her by pleading, begging and all the usual things a dumpee do in that case. Except we go through that for a WHOLE month and a half!

 

Mid-February, we are still heavily in contact through Facebook / IM where she shares a lot of her life (she's writing a lot). She still says she's unsure, some days she tells me that there are chances of getting back together, some other days not a chance. Other guy still very much in the picture, but without anything really happening. She still sometimes sleep at my place, but without sex. Very trying times to say the least.

 

So at that point she ask me on IM what am I going to offer her for Valentine's day. I tell her that if she agrees we can go have dinner and i'll find a nice gift for her. She agrees.

 

I make reservation in a nice place and go buy a very nice necklace for her. On valentine's day I'm waiting patiently that she call but she doesn't. She finally send me through IM 'I will not come. Sorry'.

 

Didn't reply anything, shocked and confused. Removed her from facebook and initiated NC since then. We had a short chat after a week or so at the end of which she blocked me. fine.

 

She is with the guy shortly after, overdoing it, like putting herself 'in a relationship' on facebook the 5th day after they were together, things like that. (My sister updates me sometimes, she's still friend with her on FB).

 

Even as painful as it is, I still check her Facebook & twitter accounts, and can't really help but notice that she writes much more after I initiated NC. Something like 3 or four statuses a day whereas before it was more like 1 every 2-3 days.

 

I also notice that they fight a lot. She removed him from Facebook already once and they had at least 2 other fights.

 

I'm devastated to this day but NC & friends helps me a lot and I'm getting better, even if I still would want to get back with her.

 

Then last saturday I see her pop into my IM. I obviously don't do anything, but the next day she contacted me. Wanted to know how I'm doing, wanted to see me to which I replied that it's not a good idea. Polite, cold chat, no relationship talks whatsoever. She wishes me a good week-end and strangely insist that she will only work this week-end, which I found odd a bit.

 

Things I have in my favor is that I know her extremely well and also I know most of her friends. She's a foreigner but I lived with her in her country for a while and met all of her friends, her family (she has a cousin and a baby sister who are quite supportive of me).

 

So, what Am I supposed to do now ? I think i'm trying to move on but this chat (very short, something like 40 lines) makes it very difficult not to keep hope that her new relationship will soon crumble and that there are very real chances this is not over.

 

Anyone in a similar case ? Any specific advice ?

[minou]

She was a no-show for VDay at the last minute? Guard your heart! There is a cold-hearted selfish quality to her that you need to be wary of. This woman has hurt you so much. She would need to be on her knees to be given a chance and show how much she values you. Right now she just values herself.

[neverlost]

Thanks for your reply! Well that's what I did by going NC! But I must admit she wasn't herself during those pleading and begging months. And even right now, from what I can read she doesn't seem happy AT ALL. But you're right, she's only thinking of herself, but in a way it can be understandable to a certain extent because she moved to another country to live with me, and now she is in a complicated situation with no money, living in a very small room, so I guess that's also one reason why she freaked out so much.

[MikNomis]

Even if her new relationship doesn't work out, she will only come back to you until she finds a new person that interests her then she'll leave you again. I think you should let go of this girl.

[1guygirl]

LET

 

HER

 

GO

 

these peeps who GIGS out on us, well they make me laugh, im sorry but they do. they all use the same "need some space" rubbish and seem to have zero respect for their partners...they jus tottle off

 

well let them, cos what goes around with GIGS comes back on them from a very high height

 

in the meantime, work on you in every way you feel you need a tweak...you will feel better about yourself and if your ex crawls back...well...do you really want someone so insincere back? bailing last min on V day...i take it she had a last min surprise of the new guy ??

[neverlost]

Thanks for your answers, well that's somehow what I'm thinking, that she is stuck between 2 people, between the novelty and excitation of a new relationship and the security of the old. Over the course of those 2 years she has told me very very intimate things that, I think, I am the only person to know. She used to be my best friend as well as my lover. It just suddenly changed without any warning. Damn GIGS. But, as stated above, she seems to suffer really a lot and I think now the other guy is taking all the problems that I used to take, and I'm not sure he's really up to the task.

 

But yes, probably I should just let it go once and for all. Just she's the first woman I ever considered marrying. So it makes things emotionally that much more complicated.

 

Also, We always had a very strong relationship, she never even looked at another guy before. Somehow I think that she will, at some point come to the realization that she dumped me because of her own psychological problems and that now, I'm not there anymore, but her psychological problems still are.

 

Then again it's probably just that I try to convince myself that there's still hope.

[alexinter2003]

There is a cold-hearted selfish quality to her that you need to be wary of. This woman has hurt you so much. She would need to be on her knees to be given a chance and show how much she values you. Right now she just values herself.

 

 

Hey Neverlost,

joined late this thread but would give you my point of view.

Totally back up Mjnou's opinion.

 

You should value and respect yourself.

Do not fall into the trap I (among others) have done of running back to her or letting her do it just because she feels like.

She might be confused or not.

 

Praise yourself and show her you have respect for yourself and she should too.

[neverlost]

Hey Neverlost,

joined late this thread but would give you my point of view.

Totally back up Mjnou's opinion.

 

You should value and respect yourself.

Do not fall into the trap I (among others) have done of running back to her or letting her do it just because she feels like.

She might be confused or not.

 

Praise yourself and show her you have respect for yourself and she should too.

 

Thanks Alex for sharing your opinion.

 

That's what I'm doing actually. I didn't talk to her for 2 month today. I have other threads about this.

 

Ironically, she seems to have had a pretty big fight yesterday with the new guy. Am I totally crazy to think that she may come back at one point ?

 

I also read extensively about Borderline Personality Disorder and she fits the description pretty much completely which makes me wonder about the differences between GIGS and BPD, or more accurately isn't GIGS a very mild form of BPD ?

 

If someone has an opinion about it, i'll be glad to hear it!

[AMR]

…she is stuck between 2 people, between the novelty and excitation of a new relationship and the security of the old. .

 

Yes. That is exactly what seems happens.

The “intensity’ of feelings proper from the “honeymoon” stage is with the new guy… affair, rebound…

Whereas the “old boyfriend” may portray some different feelings.

 

Love but at different stages.

Think this is important to recognize, because is when sometimes comes the “I Love you but I am not in Love with you…”

 

They may still love the “old boyfriend” but just in a different stage.

 

 

…

Over the course of those 2 years she has told me very very intimate things that, I think, I am the only person to know. She used to be my best friend as well as my lover. It just suddenly changed without any warning.

 

Well, that shows a lot about the type of relationship you guys had. Seems was something really nice and honest. And should make you feel really proud.

Though I know is sad to see how it comes to an end…

 

…

Damn GIGS. But, as stated above, she seems to suffer really a lot and I think now the other guy is taking all the problems that I used to take, and I'm not sure he's really up to the task.

 

Seems he is her emotional support. Whether he handles it properly or not…is another subject does not concern to the “old boyfriends” I think.

 

…

But yes, probably I should just let it go once and for all. Just she's the first woman I ever considered marrying. So it makes things emotionally that much more complicated.

 

Well, obviously letting someone we love go is really tough. But we must accept with dignity this person does not want us in our lives as did a while ago. Whether is GIGS, we do not match her expectations anymore… Is just how it is.

I was in a similar situation (marrying issue) and know it suck a lot…. But that is life.

 

 

 

 

 

…

Also, We always had a very strong relationship, she never even looked at another guy before. Somehow I think that she will, at some point come to the realization that she dumped me because of her own psychological problems and that now, I'm not there anymore, but her psychological problems still are.

 

Yes sometimes is ironic. Happened the same to me. She was the one always worried about other women. Always jealous. I guess showed her insecurity…

Guess moving with her affair (in my case) helped her boost her ego.

 

…

Then again it's probably just that I try to convince myself that there's still hope.

 

Do not get me wrong. As long as we live there is hope for everything…(not trying to philosophy).

But maybe the hope is for you to find someone with the same values and commitment as you have?

Maybe to reunite with her?

 

Who knows.

 

Only think I came to realize that under these circumstances:

 

- we should just move on. NC !!

- you may have done your best but there are decisions we cannot control as are not ours

- At first I kind of hated her despite still love her (ironic right?)

- Then I accepted she did just what she thought was better for her. And for that kind of I do not blame her. I think she made a huge mistake but well, that’s life I guess. And maybe she would be fine with this new guy (I doubt it) or find another.

- People are not better or worse for going GIGS. Is just how they are. We are human and try to do the best for ourselves.

- Though all GIGS or affairs things usually have the dumper recovering emotionally quite fast after being in a relationship and the flip side of the coin are the dumpees. Who try to find whys? If’s… And get really hurt.

- Immature? Well, they pursue their happiness. Whether it lasts few months or not… who knows. But they just try to be happy.. and think we should not blame these people for that.

 

In my case I honestly thank her for 4 great years. Told her I understood she was doing what she thought was the best for her. And wished her sincerely the best in her life. Ah… and when she asked me “no hard feelings?”… I said “no”.

 

Neverlost, just depending on how good or bad the split was, how many lies, cheating… that one could ever consider reconciliation.

What seems to happen is that when going GIGS people tends to be really confused and then is there when they really screw up !!! baaaadly !!!

Lies, cheating, playing games… and things only go worse from there and reconciliation gets then almost impossible. (in my opinion)

 

Best of luck with your NC !!

 

 

 

 

my thread is in case curiosity sparks

[hexaemeron]

She had the nerve to say "What are you offering me for Valentine's Day???" What a golddigger. You're better off.