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Tired of fighting a losing battle


summerschild

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Decided that I have had enough and will end it soon. Frustrated with always ending up at the same place - knee deep in crap and no way to get out. No matter what I do the depression and suicidal ideation always seems to hit. I have tried everything (therapy with and without meds, talking to friends, you name it) and no matter what I do I end up in the same place. I know that no one will miss me when I go. I am a wasted, used up excuse for a life. I am so tired of being torn in many directions and only being used for what I can do for the people in my life and not one of them wondering if they can do something for me. I am tired of living so that others won't be lonely. In my opinion that is a stupid reason for staying alive and in crippling pain. If my family truly loves me then they will be glad I am not in pain anymore. Right now I am so angry and frustrated. I wish I could end it tonight. But as soon as I get what I need then I am gone. I just need someone to talk to to keep me from killing them before I kill myself. Thanks

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*hugs* I am SO SORRY you are feeling this way. But PLEASE don't kill yourself, despite what you think, people WILL be miss you. No matter who it is, SOMEONE WILL. I PROMISE you that. I can relate to what you are going through. I too feel like people only want me when I can help them, because they know I will, even when I don't want to. It does completely suck.

I have been through so much pain and I still go through it. Life is HARD. Nobody said that it wouldn't be. And when I was younger, I used to harm myself (I still struggle, daily, but I don't do it anymore)

And as hard as things get, what I realized is, I don't think people want to DIE, they want things to CHANGE. And they CAN change. Sure, it can take time, but, they WILL change. You just have to find ANY little bit of happiness to get through it until things get better. It doesn't matter WHAT that happiness is. it can be something as small as hearing your favorite song or or ordering your favorite pizza. ANYTHING. As crazy as it sounds, it DOES help.

Please, feel free to pm me. To talk to someone that understands and won't judge. Just listen and try to help. I struggle with depression every single day, sometimes to the point of overwhelming, I do know how hard it is. So please, if it's not me, please reach out to someone, one on one and talk about it.

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Thanks but I know my family won't miss me neither will my "friends". They don't understand why I am in pain. They think that I should "just be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps" and "just tough it out". They think that once something is physically over that emotionally it is as well.

 

I have had to deal with childhood molestation (molested repeatedly by babysitter when I was 11. He said it was just an "old man's game" and that "everyone" did it). I have also had to deal with several abusive relationships.

 

My husband is a filthy bastard who cares only for himself. He is such a pig his own sister has disowned him. He refuses to bathe sometimes for weeks on end (he sleeps on couch in living room. I refuse to sleep with him). He will NOT help me around the house. I had to give up my dear puppy because my "husband" would not help train him and he was becoming mean. The puppy injured my eye and I almost lost the sight in it. I have been begging for help cleaning up the spare room for days now (have bad back and can't bend over for long. If I did it myself I would be down and out for days) and he puts me off.

 

We have a roommate. He is the boss here (we rent from his daughter). I have no rights here. He is constantly telling me to "fix" my husband even tho he couldn't and they have been roommates for almost 20 years.

 

Sorry this is so long and rambling. No matter what I try I end up in the same position. I believe it was Einstein who said that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". So I would by that definition be insane to keep trying. I feel that the permanent solution is the best. No one in my life will miss me and if they do it won't be for long. I would be the third suicide in my family so I have personal experience with this.

 

Again I am sorry for rewriting War and Peace. Thanks for listening to my nonsense.

I looked down at the submit button and it says "Post Quick Reply" ... I guess mine didn't quite qualify did it? (my sense of humor is a little off but at least it's still partially there).

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That is all TERRIBLE, especially being molested. I was never molested, but my mother was, by her father, when she was 4. I don't even claim him as my family, he makes me that sick. But what you need is NOT DEATH, it is to get away from all these assholes in your life that is making you feel like death is your only option. They are NOT worth it. Suppose you are right, suppose none of them would miss you, you deserve to find people that WOULD care when you die. It makes me so sad hearing people think that suicide is their only option. Because ANYONE that makes you feel that way is NOT worth it. YOU ARE worth living. It sounds to me like these people you are talking about are complete scum. I know you probably think none of us know how you feel, but some of us do. I can't tell you how much I often feel alone, and no matter how much I vent to people that supposedly love me, I end up feeling even more alone. Yeah, I know how that feels. Don't let other people make you feel like you don't deserve to be on this earth, screw them. you were put here for a reason. People that make you feel like you don't deserve life, are NOT worth having in yours. you have been through SO MUCH, please don't allow yourself to end your life just because the people in your life are crappy. You deserve to KNOW that life CAN be AMAZING. you DESERVE HAPPINESS. Just because you don't have it now does not mean that you need to just end your life. Because once you are dead, you are dead. there is NO turning back. And if you do end your life, you are letting these jerks win. And you are better than that. What you need is happiness, not death. Death is permanent.

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I'm sorry about your mother. That was horrible for her. I do want to die because no matter what I do I always end up in the same stupid situation. It seems like a waste of time trying something else because I know in the end it will fail. I know that if I leave my husband and roommate then they will be in a bad place and I can't seem to do that to them. I have been told that I am too tender hearted and can't do something that can hurt them. Even tho they have been crappy to me I can't seem to do that to them. I know life can be amazing for other people but that rarely seems to be true for me.

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