cheating? can I leave already?

[rocio]

Suppose your husband had recently moved to another city for work and he had been there for just 1 week when you went to visit him. What are the chances that he's NOT looking to cheat on you when:

 

1. Around midnight on Friday night, he's sleeping and you're up watching t.v. He gets a text on his cell so you check out who could possibly be trying to reach him at this hour. It's a woman. You read through the text thread and it starts off like "hey, this is _____. We met at the restaurant yesterday." and he goes on to ask her out to movies and for coffee.

 

You confront him and he says it's the little cousin of a colleague that he met at work. You probe and say "are you sure you met at your office?" he says "yes", but the text says they met at a restaurant. Plus, he had deleted all the previous messages from her from his phone, clearly trying to hide this woman.

 

2. You find that he's been surfing link removed and plentyoffish looking for local single women in this new city. When confronted, he says that internet dating sites are "porn" to him (can someone explain this to me??? I don't get how one could be a substitute for the other.. One is fantasy and one is reality. NO??)

 

Can I just divorce this guy already? I've told him I want divorce, brought him papers to sign, it's been a while I've been asking for divorce. He gets his parents on the phone and my parents and they guilt me into staying, telling me how much I'm hurting my child if I end the marriage. Even when I called my mom to tell her about these two things that happened over the weekend, she just says "well, maybe he'll change" and expresses how excited she is to see him next weekend. Maybe I just need someone on my side here, even if it's a stranger on the Internet. Both of our families make it seem like I'm the one who is breaking up the marriage. Meanwhile, I've been loyal, honest, faithful, kind, supportive, joyful.... He has betrayed me, disrespected me, lied to me time and time again, stole from me, visited internet dating sites time and time again, and refused to admit responsibility in any of it. (He's always the victim. I'm just a BtCh for getting upset about any of it.)

[guynextdoor]

He might not cheated on you just yet but it sounds like he's looking. Kick the douche to the curb.

[G-Snap]

If you are looking for someone on your side, it's me. Yea, divorce his ass.

 

I don't mean to say that lightly. I know you have a child and a history, but it sounds like you have been trying to get out of this and I think you should stick to your guns. Your mom or anyone else isn't married to him, no offense but whether you stay or go isn't their business.

 

You do what you KNOW is right, and I think you already know.

 

No, men do not sign up for match and plentyoffish for 'porn'. That is the biggest joke I have ever heard.

[Clarity]

It sounds like before these incidents, there was already trouble in your marriage ("it's been a while I've been asking for a divorce") so I would tend to believe that he is looking to be unfaithful, if he hasn't been so already.

 

Have you tried counseling? Do you think the marriage is salvageable at all?

 

I totally agree that the dating sites, whatever the motivation is inappropriate. The key is how it makes you feel and he should be willing to stop it if it hurts you.

 

I wish you strength and all the best.

[PrincessBOT]

Wow, Ok my disclaimer I have never been married so I may not be qualified, but I have an opinion to share. I am on your side that he is wrong for trying to go outside the marriage. However, it is my understanding that this happens when something, although it may not seem like it is not good within the marriage. It may be something that can be worked out and it may not be, but I think everything possible should be done before ending a marriage, especially with children involved. Have you tried individual counseling for each and then marriage counseling? If so were you consistent and followed all of the excercises and task the counselor gave. If you have not sought counseling then speak with him. You may have to present it in away so that its about the marriage as whole.

[Flywest29]

Ya this guy is a loser you need to leave him sooner then later. Your child will be better off too, instead of being raised in a loveless home. He sounds like he wants to be single so let him be and don't look back. The lamest excuse I ever heard about the online dating sites equating porn, I actually laughed out loud when i read that.

 

Goodluck with everything

[vonsalome]

As someone who is dealing with the emotional ramifications of a partner who cheated on me and lied about it (admittedly, without marriage or a child in the picture, so I imagine that can only make this harder), you'll probably feel so much better if you're the one to end this relationship before he replaces you with one of these women he's picking up. And I have to say, it does look like he's trying to pick them up and cheat on you.

 

I can't believe that your mom would say "maybe he'll change." Where's his incentive to change? You "caught" him about the texts and he lied about it. He didn't fess up or admit guilt or want to change. Is he in therapy? I might tell him that I know he is cheating and lying and if he is dedicated to saving the marriage that he has to go into couples and individual therapy otherwise I'm out. (That is, if I were a strong enough woman to do so. Sometimes, though you have to act strong even if you don't feel strong.)

 

But you shouldn't take your parents' advice or the advice of me, random person on the internet. What do YOU want to do in your heart? Do you want to stay with this guy? Because it sounds like you don't. And honestly, what might be worse for a child is staying with someone who is cheating, manipulating, lying and showing the kid that you, as his/her mom, will put up with that treatment. Children can learn life lessons about self respect and strength vicariously through their parents, and if you explain to your kid why you're getting a divorce, that your partner was unfaithful and you love yourself enough to not put up with it, you might actually be doing your kid a favor in the long run.

[rocio]

The lamest excuse I ever heard about the online dating sites equation porn, I actually laughed out loud when i read that.

 

I'm really glad to hear this. You completely lifted my spirits and made me smile. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with these excuses. I was born with common sense for a reason and I have to stop doubting it.

 

I know it's more complicated than just "kick him to the curb" but you guys have made me feel SO much better tonight. Thank you so much for responding.

[G-Snap]

I'm really glad to hear this. You completely lifted my spirits and made me smile. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with these excuses. I was born with common sense for a reason and I have to stop doubting it.

 

I know it's more complicated than just "kick him to the curb" but you guys have made me feel SO much better tonight. Thank you so much for responding.

 

Anytime dear. Please listen to your gut. It isn't steering you wrong.

[Ellie2006]

Can you leave already? That's such a hard question bc it's difficult to assess now how much potential your husband has to change (and how much he WANTS to change and how much he WANTS to save your marriage).

 

If you've been asking him for a divorce for a while, though, I am assuming that this is not the only issue -- only the proverbial final straw, i suppose.

 

If it's worth anything, I think that you should leave (and I say this without really knowing how much your husband is willing to change. I say this only because I know that you've been unhappy in your marriage for a while now and I am assuming that he has done little to remedy the situation).

 

At any rate, you cant allow anyone to persuade you one way or the other. It's not like his parents, your parents, etc. can live your life for you.

 

You are the only one that has to live with and put up with the consequences of your actions/decision (either to leave or to stay) and if you think you cannot take it anymore, well, who knows you better than you?

 

So sorry to hear this, Amber.

[Keyman]

Yea, divorce his ass.

.

 

I disagree. Divorce all of him, not just his ass.

[G-Snap]

I disagree. Divorce all of him, not just his ass.

 

Agreed.

 

Absolutely.

[arcadefire]

Don't let this go so far that he will consistently lie to you for as long as you let him. Not worth the trouble whatsoever. If he's lying about this, he definitely has the immoral disposition to do it to your face again and again.

[mandyc]

yuck. that just sounds awful. Being continually guilted into staying in an unhappy marriage. I never really understand why people say things like stay together for the kids. Kids aren't stupid, they are fully aware if their parents aren't getting along or aren't happy. I'd rather show my child that I stuck up for myself and that I did something to change my life and make it better then oh hey I can keep on going in a bad situation.

 

You have ovbiously been trying to get out of this, and I think it is completely not OK that people are trying to make you feel bad about getting out of an unhealthy and unhappy relationship! Your mother should want you to take a stand for yourself and to be happy, even if that means getting a divorce.

 

Do what you've been wanting to do for awhile, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting a better life!

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, of course he is cheating on you. If you have been asking for a divorce, he is planning ahead. I remember back a long time ago when you were about to leave him. It was over then I think. Best to move on, amberella.

[OptomisticGirl]

I am all for trying to make a marriage work for the kids (me being a child of divorce myself) and no, there is no concrete proof that he has cheated, but I'd say kick him to the curb.

 

Not because a random woman who was a 'little cousin of a co worker' texted him at what, midnight? Not because he is surfing link removed because 'it's like porn' (really? I laughed when I read that). Do it because you want out, and have for a while. Yes, your child will have a hard time with it in the beginning but hey, I was a divorced child and I turned out alright. At some point you have to start worrying about your own sanity...

[annie24]

any updates amber? i am really sorry. i've been following your story. honestly, i think you are a kick-ass woman and can do so much better than this guy. he is beneath you, i really think so. if he's not cheating, he is about to. Agreed with the others who say that looking at online ads is like 'porn' to him. pffft! I would rather date a guy who looked at porn than surfed link removed. because he's not going to meet up with any of these porn stars or Jenna Jameson or whoever. But he can easily meet up with any of those girls on link removed!! blah. double blah.

 

of course he is lying about his 'coworker's cousin.' even if that was his coworker's cousin, why is it appropriate for them to be texting at midnight and meeting up for a date??? this guy is such an awful liar.

 

anyways, i hope you get your divorce. don't let your family pressure you.

[sidehop]

I agree with others, can he come up with anything more lame about the woman and the dating site?

 

And calling his parents on the situation? I can't believe he's playing that type of game involving the child to making you stay. If I were you I would gather all evidence and keep them in a safe place. You'll have a better ground in divorcing him and getting a custody of your child.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he's on other dating sites, use his username, email address and pop it in Google or sites like link removed and see what comes up.

[Sanesoul]

Damn the torpedoes....

[rocio]

No real updates. The problem now is that he's in a different city, so he'll be flying down to visit about every second weekend or so. I don't know how we're going to arrange this so he can see his daughter.

 

At first he was very apologetic and sent me roses. But when I continued to insist that it was over, he turned on me. He insults me, threatens to hurt me. I don't want him around but don't know how we can arrange for him to see her.

 

Maybe I can leave town every second weekend and he can stay here with her? But how long can we keep that up?

 

It's also complicated because we've just closed the deal on a house, and now he's saying he's going to cancel the deal. Which I understand, if he's not going to be staying there. I can afford the mortgage payments on my own but we need both of our names on the mortgage to get lender approval. Before that, he threatened to jump off the belcony if I didn't forgive him.

 

Hopefully he'll get through all this threats and insults soon and let me move on with my life.

[annie24]

i think it might be time for you to consult a lawyer, or perhaps you two need to get a mediator to figure out a plan. he is so immature and disrespectful.

[rocio]

I'll look into a mediator. Where would I find one?

[annie24]

oh gosh, i don't know. can you contact your local court system and see what they say? i had a friend who graduated law school and then spent a few years working as a mediator for divorce cases. i think it was a government job.

[rocio]

i've been able to track some down. Thx