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How often do you seen and hang out with friends you consider to be close??


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Earlier I put up a thread about T (thanks for the advice but I took the thread down due to it being a bit TMI) and our friendship. I was upset that I didn't get to see him last weekend, this weekend and will probably NOT see him next weekend either (due to friends coming to town last weekend, parents this weekend, and some friend thing next weekend).

 

Normally I hang out with T and his bf on Saturdays and stay overnight there. We go out and do simple things like shop or go out to eat. I also play and spend time with the dog.

 

I was a bit upset that I won't get to see him for a few weeks and then people were telling me that friends don't see each other all the time.

 

If you had close friends that you talked to on the phone or text, every day, but didn;t see them for weeks or even a month or two, would that bug you?

 

Do you expect to hang out/see your clothes friends, every week?

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it depends on where they live. i have close friends that i actually don't even talk to every month! crazy, huh? one of my best friends, she lives in town. i used to see her 2-3 times per week but now that she has a new boyfriend, i see her 1-2 times a week. she lives in town though and we work 1 block away from each other. friends who live farther away, i don't see them as often.

 

i think instead of getting angry with T, just know that he and his boyfriend have stuff to do and when they have more time, they will hang out with you.

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I have the expectation that all friendships are different. Some of my close friends drop off the map for months at a time. Some of them I see a few times a month. Some of them I see weekly. I try to let my friendships have natural rhythms. There are lots of times when I am simply to busy to spend much time with my friends and there are times when my friends are to busy to spend time with me. It doesn't hurt my feelings, it's just the way the world works. And yes, if one of my close friends is going to be away from me for awhile and I know I won't see them, I miss them.

What I expect from my friends is that when they have time we will see each other. I expect them to be understanding of my schedule. I expect them to be understand of the other important parts of my life and I try to do the same for them.

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How often do you seen and hang out with friends you consider to be close??

 

Usually once or twice a week, but generally once.

 

I have 3 close guy friends that I play music with every week, and I have a couple reasonably close female friends that I talk to via texting almost every day. One of them lives accross the country, who I used to hang with from time to time when she lived here. The other one is just someone who has a drastically different schedule than I do, so we never have time to hang out in person. 95% of our friendship has been cultivated through texting. I always turn to her first when I'm feeling down.

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I see my friends about 1-2 times a week. Other friends, some of my best friends, I see maybe once a month, sometimes less. It's a basic understanding with us all that our lives sometimes don't match up and so we don't get upset when we don't see each other. We instead are just grateful that we know each other is there when we really need the time.

 

You're way too dependent on T, Renny. You need a life outside of him.

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As I've gotten older and my own life has become fuller I spend time with friends less since their lives have also gotten busier. I still text/email often enough, but in person it's a couple of times a month for those that live closeby and less for those that live longer distances away.

 

It's the quality of the time, not the quantity that truly matters.

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i am a firm believer that i shouldnt have to work at a friendship. if we see or talk a few times a week, or dont hang out for a year... it shoudlnt matter. im not a teenager anymore with free time. we are all grown adults and our friendship should be in tact no matter the frequency of contact. my very best friend and i may have a week where we talk everyday and see each other a few times, and then may easily go 3 months with out hanging. life happens.

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i am a firm believer that i shouldnt have to work at a friendship. if we see or talk a few times a week, or dont hang out for a year... it shoudlnt matter. im not a teenager anymore with free time. we are all grown adults and our friendship should be in tact no matter the frequency of contact. my very best friend and i may have a week where we talk everyday and see each other a few times, and then may easily go 3 months with out hanging. life happens.

 

Fully agree. That's how my friendships are.

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it depends on where they live. i have close friends that i actually don't even talk to every month! crazy, huh? one of my best friends, she lives in town. i used to see her 2-3 times per week but now that she has a new boyfriend, i see her 1-2 times a week. she lives in town though and we work 1 block away from each other. friends who live farther away, i don't see them as often.

i think instead of getting angry with T, just know that he and his boyfriend have stuff to do and when they have more time, they will hang out with you.

 

Annie said it well. I hope you don't think anyone was trying to come down to hard on you in that last thread, it's just that some of the stuff you said you did wasn't really appropriate for T and his partner, and it almost seemed shocking to me that you couldn't see how you were disrespecting T's boyfriend... it just seemed to need to be said, but only you can decide how you will conduct yourself. I think the best thing is like annie said don't get angry, just realize this is a couple and every sat night having you stay over might not be convenient for them all the time, and it is in no way shape or form a good reason to get angry. Instead I'd be really thankful that T's b/f was so tolerant and allowed it to happen at all.

 

To answer your question - I stopped doing sleepovers at friends' houses at the age of 17. I see friends when it is CONVENIENT for us both. I don't think a good friendship would cause hardships or hard feelings if we can't hang out every week. Heck I don't have any friends today that I see every week. I work all week long and get tired on the weekend and like to vegetate in my place on many occasions. I'd be upset if a friend wanted to have a spot on my couch every weekend unless we were dating.

 

I still say put yourself into the shoes of T's boyfriend and think of how you would advise HIM if he came to this site telling us the things that is going on with yours and T's friendship. How would you advise him?

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Ren, if you truly like T only as a friend not seeing him for just 1 month would not bother you at all. You have a very unhealthy "friendship" with T. You really need to let him go for your own sake. Do you think he is going to be available to you when things between him and his bf get serious and they take the next step in their relationship? No way. I can guarantee you this.

 

Let me give you an example. One of my very close friends is a girl. She would want to see me and spent time with at each and every opportunity. Once I went for a vacation for a month and she said "I got depressed after you left. I am so glad you came back". She was not even joking, she was serious. I asked her "What is going to happen once you get married? Surely your husband would not like it if you want to meet me frequently" and she responded "I would ditch my husband if he says I can't meet you often". At that time I was naive and even felt happy because I believed all the things she said. Here is the thing though. All those dialogues came when she was single. Now she has a bf and she is nowhere to be found. She has disappeared off my radar. Forget about hanging out, there is no emails, no phone calls, no text messages, no nothing from her. She has fallen in love with her bf and has practically disappeared. And its been like this the past 4 months.

 

I hope you understand what I am trying to say and stop kidding yourself. One fine day Mr.T will be gone, poof!

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Bergamot, T and his bf have been in a relationship for almost 12 years. I have know T for almost 16 years. Our friendship has gone up and down during those years and I have been in his life consistently for as long as he's been with his bf.

 

Even when I did date and had a relationship with someone, T has always been in my life as a friend. My ex was a semi-long distance relationship. He lived 2 hours from me. I talked to T on the weekdays as much, if not more, than I talked to my ex (mainly because the both of us had more flexible work schedules and could chat on the phone from work). There were many a times I would go hang out with T and chat with him on Fridays before I went to pick up the ex from the train station.

 

T calls me even when he goes on vacation with his bf.

 

As for seeing friends, I don't see my SCA friends that often. Today was the first day I saw them in months (went to practice). They hope I come and stop by practice more often. I do keep up with them via Facebook or playing WoW.

 

Other friends that I have, I keep in touch via email or a call every so often. Most of my friends live back where I used to live, so seeing them is not very convenient.

 

I have a bad habit of trying to establish a pattern with friends and trying to keep everybody to it.

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Our friendship has gone up and down during those years and I have been in his life consistently for as long as he's been with his bf.

 

T calls me even when he goes on vacation with his bf.

 

These two things that you said are worrisome for several reasons. I feel a sense of entitlement from you, that you feel because you have known him as long as the b/f, 'he's yours' as it were, or that you are at least on equal par as his b/f. You're not. You can't possibly think that you are or should be on equal footing as T's b/f? How would you feel in a relationship if someone you dated had an ex who felt this 'entitled"? I can imagine with the insecurity levels you have spoken of here you would be livid.

 

Secondly, when you say he calls you when on vacation with his b/f and when you said prior that he gave the b/f an ultimatum that if you don't come around the b/f can leave, I sense you feel really proud of this and thinks it gives you more worth as a person. Why is that? Why is how T views you so important? This man has a partner that he is treating like crap from what I can gather thus far, and he doesn't seem like he's treated you well either. WHy do you feel so proud that he reaches out to you in this manner when that is the only thing he seems to have done that is of any worthy mention?

 

I guess I am just really confused by the whole thing.

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Maybe that is because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

Latching onto this couple won't help your cause.

 

It just won't.

 

It will hinder you because you are spending valuable saturday nights at their house when you should be out mingling if you really would like to find a meaningful relationship.

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I don't see my close friends very often because they have their own things going on. Sometimes it could be once every two weeks, or once every month. There are even some that I would see once a year, but we carry on as though nothing ever happened.

 

It doesn't bother me as much because I know that they have their own lives and they're just trying to get by, like I am.

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It really depends on how convenient and how much space I need. I try not to see friends everyday. I need a breather. Come to think of it, I only see the friends I commute with everyday for roughly an hour in the morning and even then it becomes exhausting and annoying.

 

In high school, my bestfriend and I were attached at the hips. Now, not so much, we see each other a couple of times a month. We go to two different schools. If we see each other more than that, it's probably because of serious need for comforting (like a bad break up lol) or just to study together (at the library.. and we barely talk, just sit next to each other).

 

Most of my friends, I just see during the week on campus. I keep the weekends for myself (or bf but i havent had one for almost 2 years now), unless it's a birthday or a special event.

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Maybe that is because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

Latching onto this couple won't help your cause.

 

It just won't.

 

It will hinder you because you are spending valuable saturday nights at their house when you should be out mingling if you really would like to find a meaningful relationship.

 

The problem is, how do I mingle with others (aka meet guys to date), esp if I don't have a lot of friends down here and I spend the majority of my time alone, or doing a few social activities that I haven't met anybody to date in.

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The problem is, how do I mingle with others (aka meet guys to date), esp if I don't have a lot of friends down here and I spend the majority of my time alone, or doing a few social activities that I haven't met anybody to date in.

 

I can't really answer that for you but I can emphatically tell you that nothing is ever going to happen meaningful for you if you spend every saturday night sleeping over at your ex's and his b/f's house.

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Ren, it does not matter how many years you and T have been friends. It still is a very unhealthy friendship, at least that's how I see it. Just last week I met one of my friends for lunch. We met after a break of 5 years and we have been close friends from 1993. He is married with a kid and I am single. But everything went very smooth and natural and we just continued from where we left off. It would not affect me at all if I did not see him for very long periods of time, let alone just 1 month. The fact that you are almost paranoid that it is going to be 1 whole month without you and T hanging out is a big big red flag. He is JUST A FRIEND and nothing more to you. Period.

 

Why don't you go to nightclubs every Saturday evening? Or some salsa classes or yoga or something where there is a possibility of meeting new people and developing meaningful friendships and relationships??? Any day that would be a better option instead of pining over a "friend" that supposedly doesn't care for you in the same way.

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It depends where I am... in Liverpool I would see my close friends there at least once a week. But in Cumbria they all have serious jobs and some are married so maybe I only see them once a month.

 

I consider my girlfriend to be a close friend as well though, and soon I'll be seeing her every day. Looking forward to that.

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Ren, why did you stop going to fencing for such a long time?

 

After I lost my job earlier this year, I felt like hiding out and avoiding people so became hermitlike and stopped doing a lot of my social things.

 

It's been only lately that I've wanted to get back out there.

 

I feel weird without a job and have wanted to hide out at home more often.

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i am a firm believer that i shouldnt have to work at a friendship. if we see or talk a few times a week, or dont hang out for a year... it shoudlnt matter. im not a teenager anymore with free time. we are all grown adults and our friendship should be in tact no matter the frequency of contact. my very best friend and i may have a week where we talk everyday and see each other a few times, and then may easily go 3 months with out hanging. life happens.

 

I actually think the opposite and believe that people SHOULD make an effort to maintain a good relationship -- otherwise it devolves into ... no contact with your friends!

 

This doesnt mean, however, you can insert yourself into your friends' lives without regard to their schedule/relationships/etc.

 

As for me, I could go for months without ever seeing my friends bc I'm busy, they're busy. BUT this is why I think it's important that I make an effort to keep in touch, even though the gesture might be something as small as sending them a text once in a while, or them calling me at the office to catch up via a brief phone convo, or IM-ing. And when I DO have time, I make sure to call them up and see if they can also make time to meet in person!

 

Anyways, I didnt see your other thread, Ren, but I think G-snap is spot on; T and his boyfriend are a couple and they need time to spend as a couple.

Both are probably busy during the week so the weekend is a prime time for them to be together, to reconnect, and do couple-y things.

 

I dont think it's right that you get upset by not being able to see your friend for the next couple of weeks -- as a matter of fact, if you ARE a true friend to T, wouldnt you want him to spend these next few weekends with his bf -- just them alone so that they can better their relationship?

 

In the meantime, you DO have friends who want to see you more often -- your fencing/WOW buddies. Dont forget that you DO have friends closer by to hang out.

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