I'm Asian, my caucasian bf keeps making asian stereotype jokes

[greywolf]

It sounds like you two have a different style of humor. I, personally, don't have a problem with 'racist' jokes, but some people do. I think it's a compatibility issue.

My bf makes comments about asians all the time. It's just his way of teasing me.

[Dragunov-21]

Angela, if it's as you say, "occasionally", the jokes are pretty harmless (ok, the link removed one mighta been a bit stupid IMO, but only because it wasn't particularly funny), and you haven't actually told him it makes you uncomfortable, what's he supposed to do?

 

Personally, I'm disappointed how PC the world's become, but you will occasionally find people who are comfortable enough with each other to share such jokes. Unless you tell him you find them a bit off-colour (no pun intended ) and wish he'd stop, you can hardly blame him for not getting the memo.

 

Just tell him, if it bothers you so much.

 

Your bf clearly has an asian fetish.

 

And you clearly have no idea what the word "fetish" actually means. Learn yourself a book.

 

Speaking of which, racially-oriented jokes =/= racist. Get it right.

[Ms Darcy]

And you clearly have no idea what the word "fetish" actually means. Learn yourself a book.

 

Speaking of which, racially-oriented jokes =/= racist. Get it right.

 

I mean the word fetish in a colloquial sense ... as in the saying "asian fetish." You can find descriptions of it online.

 

I don't know what the phrase "learn yourself a book" means. I've asked a couple of people and they couldn't make sense of it.

 

Also, I never called him racist.

 

You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine. I think it's unfortunate when people get defensive because they don't like a characterization. In my opinion there is such a thing as "too PC" and on the other end of the spectrum there is such a thing as "too PC averse."

[Ellie2006]

The asian wife finder thing was tacky, but if he said "It's my cologne!" instead would you have thought it was funny?

 

Granted, neither joke is funny, and both are tacky. BUT in one, he's potentially insulting someone, in the other, he's insulting no one.

 

And no, I dont think this is being "too-PC" -- he obviously makes these comments enough times for the OP to notice and start to wonder if there's anything behind his so-called "jokes."

 

At the very least, it's disrespectful and insensitive towards the OP, his gf.

 

I dont know if the OP's bf is racist but as I said before, he IS most definitely ignorant; as if he thinks he can say this kind of stuff in this day and age and assume NO ONE will be offended? Give me a break.

[mattj]

My girlfriend is asian too, and i can kind of see where you're coming from- i don't think he means to be racist, but you should probably bring it up...

 

I make fun of my gf a little bit for being asian, but she does the same to me for being western, so it kind of evens out- one person doing it would be hurtful though.

(E.G. she makes fun of me eating bread all the time, i make fun of her eating rice all the time)

 

Another possibility- are you sure he's not just insecure about dating someone asian? I've noticed that western boyfriends of asian girls are stereotyped quite badly.

[guynextdoor]

Angela you gotta draw the line somewhere. After awhile the jokes will get old and you might lose some of your friends if you let him continue doing this.

[arcadefire]

Saying something like "Asian wife link removed" is horribly objectifying. I find it odd that no one in their right mind would say "black wife link removed" because they would automatically be labeled a racist, but not for other races (in the states). That doesn't make it right.

 

I would have a heart to heart talk with him saying that you don't appreciate how he is objectifying you, even if he doesn't mean it. And you can be harsh and say that if he's only dating you because of your race, then it's over, because a relationship built on a race fetish would not work out in the long run.

[greywolf]

I don't really think it was objectifying. I make 'racist' jokes all the time. I wouldn't do it in front of somebody I didn't know, but I don't really see a problem with it. I think people take themselves too seriously. There's nothing wrong with poking fun at people's quirks or flaws, and the taboo of it makes it funnier.

[angela89]

Hey thanks for the input everyone!

 

I talked to him about it, and now he wont stop apologizing! He said (along the lines of) "I had no reason to say it, i was being drunk and stupid, I shouldn't have said it, i'm sorry, you should have kicked me in the balls right there and then, etc."

 

And no, he's not racist...just a little ignorant (he admits it himself), but all is well

[guynextdoor]

You should've still kicked him in the balls for being ignorant.

[MakestheBest]

Look, I think everyone on earth has a made a racist joke here and there, but the fact that he keeps pointing stuff out means that he doesnt see you as a woman he see's you as an asian woman. That's not even a guess that's a fact. Ask yourself this...when that guy made that comment why didn't he just wink and smile and assume " good going " for getting 3 hot chicks instead of 3 asian ones...it would have been a funny joke if he hadn't made all of the many other jokes...so when do you get to just be "angela"...89 to this guy?

 

I had this friend who i was really cool with ( white guy ) i'm black...we went to art school together. One day during finals he grabbed me and told me lets swing buy a mutual friends house for a boxing party. The guy was mexican. We walk into together everyone at the party is white and strangers to us both, Some guy in there points out that he (my friend ) had a odd sized bottled of heineken with him...not the size of a forty i think it was 20 oz or something, had never seen one before. He says " yeah I stopped by the ghetto to pick these up". Whaat? So i poke him.

 

Then later on we are watching a pre fight. Black guy vs a latin looking guy ( think he was philippino)...he's backing the black guy i'm backing the lil latin guy. He says " come'on, kick his little jalepeño ass!" Did I mention we were in a mexican guys house?

 

I left the party and I never spoke to him again. And he and I were REALLY cool at the time.

 

Okay so this is the thing. He had made other sh*t head comments before that I blew off ( a lot of my black girlfriends hated him, but i always stuck up for him ) , but what became clear to me that night was how he thought. We were in the south, he walked into a house full of white people and he prob felt uncomfortable, maybe we looked like a date, so to impress a bunch of strangers he completely played me. And in his limited insecure mind, all white people think ghetto jokes are funny and he made himself cooler by putting distance between us. Also to him, its not a thing to make mexican jokes in a mexican guys house. What an idiot!

 

By the way he was off his nut i was the coolest thing IN that party as always

 

I think you need to determine if Your bf is saying this because he isnt' really connecting with you: If he thinks of you as asian first and then angela second or If you are his "asian girlfriend". Then you need to rethink him. Because to him you may be a cute "phase". And honestly you sound really cool to me.

 

If you stick it out with him you NEED to say something. Its not only disrespectful to you, but your friends and fam. I know its uncomfortable. I had to finally talk to a Laotian friend of mine and tell her she needed to stop using the N word...it took me years. I really tried to stick it out because I know it made her feel closer to me, but it made me really uncomfortable and she said it IN PUBLIC...i finally said something when I heard her guy repeating the word on a vmail mssg. It was tough because I know it hurt her feelings but dude...I love you but you CAN'T SAY THAT

[MakestheBest]

maybe make him the butt end of a joke and see how he likes it

White jokes don't work..Unless he's a hillbilly and THEN you might have something to work with.

 

Originally Posted by Dragunov-21

Speaking of which, racially-oriented jokes =/= racist. Get it right.

 

I dont' agree. There are a lot of shades of grey in the world.

[Ellie2006]

There's nothing wrong with poking fun at people's quirks or flaws, and the taboo of it makes it funnier.

 

Wow I hope you're being ironic here. If not, well to each his own, I suppose.

 

To the OP, hey, I am glad you got things resolved with your bf. Although it might not have been the easiest thing to bring up to your bf, I think you did the right thing by speaking up and letting him know your mind AND ALSO, giving him the chance to explain his position, without immediately writing him off.

[MakestheBest]

Whoops...missed that info...didnt know you had spoken to him. Feel free to ignore bits of what I said. Lol.

[arcadefire]

Look, I think everyone on earth has a made a racist joke here and there, but the fact that he keeps pointing stuff out means that he doesnt see you as a woman he see's you as an asian woman. That's not even a guess that's a fact. Ask yourself this...when that guy made that comment why didn't he just wink and smile and assume " good going " for getting 3 hot chicks instead of 3 asian ones...it would have been a funny joke if he hadn't made all of the many other jokes...so when do you get to just be "angela"...89 to this guy?

 

If he thinks of you as asian first and then angela second or If you are his "asian girlfriend". Then you need to rethink him. Because to him you may be a cute "phase".

 

Agree 100%. He places the race first, and then the individual you second. But I'm glad with the update he's agreed to stop saying things like that.

[greywolf]

Wow I hope you're being ironic here. If not, well to each his own, I suppose.

 

I was completely serious.

[Dragunov-21]

Also, I never called him racist.

 

Ack, sorry, should have separated that better. That wasn't directed at you at all.

 

You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine. I think it's unfortunate when people get defensive because they don't like a characterization. In my opinion there is such a thing as "too PC" and on the other end of the spectrum there is such a thing as "too PC averse."

 

I just see a huge difference between racially-based jokes and racism, most importantly because most of the "racist" jokes I've seen/heard/made in public are making fun of the stereotype itself, rather than the race.

 

Plus a lot of it is in familiarity, and the intent. I've made jokes, and have had jokes made to me, that would invite a punch to the nose if said to a stranger. But mates and I make them all the time, no harm no foul.

 

Hey thanks for the input everyone!

 

I talked to him about it, and now he wont stop apologizing! He said (along the lines of) "I had no reason to say it, i was being drunk and stupid, I shouldn't have said it, i'm sorry, you should have kicked me in the balls right there and then, etc."

 

And no, he's not racist...just a little ignorant (he admits it himself), but all is well

 

Good to hear

 

I dont' agree. There are a lot of shades of grey in the world.

 

Mistake on my part, I meant that racially based jokes are not neccessarily racist. Which is a distinction a lot of people seem to miss.

[Ellie2006]

 

I just see a huge difference between racially-based jokes and racism, most importantly because most of the "racist" jokes I've seen/heard/made in public are making fun of the stereotype itself, rather than the race.

 

Plus a lot of it is in familiarity, and the intent. I've made jokes, and have had jokes made to me, that would invite a punch to the nose if said to a stranger. But mates and I make them all the time, no harm no foul..

 

I guess continuing on with this convo is kind of moot since the OP's dilemma has been resolved but I am interested to hear how you (Dragunov-21) define the specific difference between "racist" jokes and "racially-based" jokes.

 

I am genuinely curious bc UNLESS it is clear from the onset that the joke is intended to subvert racial stereotypes, how does one know if it's racist or simply "racially-based"? And plus, even if the joke was told with the intention of challenging/poking fun at racial stereotypes, what happens when it is misconstrued and brings about the opposite effect?

 

Yes, this is taking things too far and making it not fun. But that's my point. This is a complicated issue that one can't simply write off by saying "it was all in jest," which I think is a completely irresponsible way of addressing this matter.

 

And yes, I know that everyone has their prerogative to make whatever jokes they find funny. And I know that people are sick of the "too-PC" atmosphere where everything under the sun is scrutinized. But I'd err on the side of caution if the alternative means that I unintentionally offend someone. And yes, I acknowledge that might "just be me" and other people dont take this as seriously.

 

Ultimately, the distinction between "racist" and "racially based" is not even necessary in this particular situation since it is clear from the OP's post that her boyfriend's comments were closer to "racist" rather than "racially-based" jokes bc he obviously was NOT making fun of the stereotype.

[Dragunov-21]

Okay, I'll try...

[Ellie2006]

Okay, I'll try...

 

Thanks for your post. I'll read it more closely later and maybe (?) respond, but for now, I've stepped off the soapbox about this matter.

[Ellie2006]

I was completely serious.

 

oh ok. well I guess you know what works for you.

I just hope that your jokes never miss their mark, you always find yourself with an audience who doesnt consider your jokes tasteless and are people who can't be touched with the remarks of a person who cares little about the ramification of their words. I also hope that you never find yourself in a situation where insensitive and ignorant jerks harass you with their version of what's funny and shrug it off by saying "geez, lighten up, it's just a joke."

[Unknown1607307972]

Well, I have to admit I make fun of the Danish *constantly* I mimic their accent, I insist that they include pork in literally every food they eat and that their national anthum is Barbie Girl by Aqua. I also do a "Stoooopid Viking wears helmet to hide that he has no brain, is only good to rape and fight" impression whenever my boyfriend does something...well...stupid!

 

He makes jokes back about the English so it's all cool.

 

But still I don't exactly make Danish jokes around Danish people till I know they'll accept them, because I don't want to offend anybody. I make the jokes to one of his friends because I know he won't get offended but to the other one I have met I will wait to be sure. I make mild Danish jokes to my boyfriend's parents though, such as at dinner when I am visiting I insist that the desert has bacon salt in it because else it isn't real Danish food. There's a line though, and you have to be careful of people's limits and how seriously they'll take such jokes. Your boyfriend, I don't believe he's a jerk I just think he needs a little more tact

 

I'll always remember when my mum drew a quick picture of Ireland which was a potato field with four stick people representing Boyzone or Westlife, to wind up her Irish friend It was hilarious, they both thought it was very funny.

[MakestheBest]

you also have to use your common sense. Some groups are the butt of cruel jokes on a regular basis. I don't think that includes the Danish, so its not as bad especially in the right context and crowd. But you need to be more careful around say gay friends, mexican friends, indian friends,pakistani, arabs or blacks. Because dangerous and hurtful stereotypes are par for course, you have a lot less room to poke fun without it being misconstrued. And honestly sometimes it isnt' misconstrued, just because you don't mean to go all gestapo with the little comment or joke that you made doesnt mean that it isnt' harmful. Actually more harmful because people don't pay it any mind. The terms "thats so gay" or "thats so ghetto" piss me off royally more than any real racist term because it is so common and accepted.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Does he realize it's getting old?

 

I make those jokes with my chinese guy friends all the time. I got him a "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt for his birthday (it's really close to St. Patrick's day). He makes jokes about being asian all the time. Four of my friends live together in a large apartment on the other side of town. Two of them are chinese and the other two are not. They have two bathrooms. One is called the "Yellow fever" and the other is the "Cracker Hut". They have a ton of fun making fun of their nationalities (the other two aren't American either).

 

Some people love those kind of jokes. However, this clearly bothers you and your boyfriend needs to tone it down. It would get old fast if you aren't into it to begin with.

[greywolf]

you also have to use your common sense. Some groups are the butt of cruel jokes on a regular basis. I don't think that includes the Danish, so its not as bad especially in the right context and crowd. But you need to be more careful around say gay friends, mexican friends, indian friends,pakistani, arabs or blacks. Because dangerous and hurtful stereotypes are par for course, you have a lot less room to poke fun without it being misconstrued. And honestly sometimes it isnt' misconstrued, just because you don't mean to go all gestapo with the little comment or joke that you made doesnt mean that it isnt' harmful. Actually more harmful because people don't pay it any mind. The terms "thats so gay" or "thats so ghetto" piss me off royally more than any real racist term because it is so common and accepted.

 

Are you trying to say that it's ok to make jokes about certain races and not others?

 

Also, I used the word 'gay' all the time.