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I'm Asian, my caucasian bf keeps making asian stereotype jokes


angela89

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I've been with my bf for almost 7 months now, both in our early 20s, and things are really great. We're absolutely crazy for each other, and nothing could be better...except this:

 

I'm asian, he's caucasian, and every once in a while, he'll make asian stereotype jokes around me and my asian friends, like how asians are bad drivers, making fun of the accent, loving video games, and being nerdy. I don't really get offended by these since i grew up in a white community, but shouldn't he know better?

 

Worst one yet: I invited him out with 2 of my friends (who all happen to be females and asian), and ended up getting drunk. While walking on a street, some guy (white) noticed our group, looked at my boyfriend, and gave him a wide smile and thumbs up and said "Nice going there!!!". My bf shouted back "Just go to asian wife link removed!!!" I actually laughed cause i was completely drunk and didn't really think about it, but after sobering up, i felt extremely objectified as an asian woman. I know he respects me as a person, but how am I to feel when things like this comes up???

 

Thoughts, opinions, experiences?

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Not cool. He needs to wake up and realize he's in the 21st century. These kinds of comments simply aren't acceptable anymore (never was really).

He may not realize how old fashioned he is sounded by saying these things. He's make a fool of himself.

 

Maybe take him aside and have a chat. He might not be aware of how offensive this kind of thing can be. You say he's a good guy, I"m sure he is, he might just be somewhat naiive as to what is funny and what isn't.

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Have you asked him why he acts like that? Maybe if you are not objecting he thinks you are totally ok with it. If it bothers you ask him to please stop.

 

He may also be just trying to press your buttons or thinking that is kidding with you. Some people tell short jokes around me. People tell my aunt Polish jokes (she's Polish) I agree - if you go along with it - he thinks its okay. Don't flip out when you talk to him about it - just say "hey ____, I know you like to tell Asian jokes. I know there are a lot of them out there and some people think its funny, but they bother me and I think its a little uncool. Why do you tell them around me?" or "I would really like it if we found something else to joke about."

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If it bothers you just tell him to stop. If he doesn't then it shows a lack of caring for you on his part. Really it is something he shouldn't do. If he does it then all of his friends will do it and that can really add up.

 

My girlfriend of almost 3 years is deaf and I hate it when people make jokes about it. I have yelled at 5 different people I didn't even know for making fun of her behind her back and for us signing which is how she talks. I have also had to get on my family and made them feel bad for doing jokes and things. The every now and then joke is normal but only if it is something that you have established is okay. My family and girlfriend all kind of joke around so it is alright as long as it stays at a certain level and if that is crossed then a look stops it very fast.

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seems like your being passive when he does this, furthermore giving him the green light thinking this is ok since you dont object to the 'jokes' he makes around you or your friends. my bf is white and im blk, sometimes he would make jokes about black people initially, at 1st i didnt take it personal but somethings he would go overboard with.

 

i told him after i didnt like it. and its no longer an issue. might be time for you to make it clear to him that its not acceptable.

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Well.

It sounds like you haven't even told him the Asians find your jokes offensive and in bad taste.

 

I can relate to this but from your BF's side.

I too tend to crack racist jokes at times where I should not.

Being Eurasian I tend to look at Asian as funny regardless.

 

We tend to be decensortized (sp) from the racist jokes, possibly because we are used to it.

Cracking jokes about all cultures.

 

He will not be doing this on purpose.

Just tell him the joke are not funny and the Asians are taking offense so don't say them.

It's that simple.

 

If you and your Asian friends only hang around Asian people most of the time, the chances are they including yourself will find the jokes offensive.

 

Shuttlefish is right on the money about what he posted even though they maybe offensive to you and your friends.

 

Better to face it for all that it is rather than to be ignorant of the truth good or bad....every race has it's dumb side.

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You laugh at his jokes so how is he supposed to know that you dont find his racism acceptable?

 

I guess I wont go so far as to say your bf is a "racist," per se. But he definitely is ignorant.

 

I understand that you dont want to make a super-big deal about this BUT you will have to know that this is also sending him a (mixed) message that joking about race is ok with you. You cant have it both ways.

 

You either have to tell him that this bugs you so tone it down a little OR if you choose to remain quiet, then don't judge him for making these stupid comments around you after the fact.

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I'd say you have two avenues:

 

1) Have a talk with him and tell him some of these comments bother you

2) Start cracking white-people jokes and if he doesn't get offended, then maybe you can both have fun playing the race card in your relationship

 

Really, racism is defined as the belief in the superiority of one race over another. Racial jokes are often not racist, but rather just plays on stereotypes. I think this is important to note. Like someone else said, every race has its quirks and to poke fun at those isn't necessarily promoting a belief of inferiority.

 

In any case, I think the most important thing here is just to open an honest and direct line of communication with your partner.

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I'd say you have two avenues:

 

1) Have a talk with him and tell him some of these comments bother you

2) Start cracking white-people jokes and if he doesn't get offended, then maybe you can both have fun playing the race card in your relationship

 

Really, racism is defined as the belief in the superiority of one race over another. Racial jokes are often not racist, but rather just plays on stereotypes. I think this is important to note. Like someone else said, every race has its quirks and to poke fun at those isn't necessarily promoting a belief of inferiority.

 

In any case, I think the most important thing here is just to open an honest and direct line of communication with your partner.

 

^ Exactly!

 

Have the talk with him. If he changes, then that's good. If he doesnt change, then I guess you'll have to figure out if this is a big enough dealbreaker for you to break things off with him or not.

 

One question: does he only make "asian" jokes or does he make these kinds of off-color jokes about all races? if the former, you may want to question the fact why he chooses to be so derisive towards an ethnic group that his gf is a part of. just a thought ....

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I'm asian, he's caucasian, and every once in a while, he'll make asian stereotype jokes around me and my asian friends, like how asians are bad drivers, making fun of the accent, loving video games, and being nerdy. I don't really get offended by these since i grew up in a white community, but shouldn't he know better?

No, don't expect him to know. Similar to what OntheWire mentioned, some people are not offended by stereotype jokes... and some, like yourself, are and take it as racism. It's about tolerance and everyone has different levels of it. Instead, show him that it is unacceptable by communicating your thoughts and feelings him making such jokes.

 

While walking on a street, some guy (white) noticed our group, looked at my boyfriend, and gave him a wide smile and thumbs up and said "Nice going there!!!". My bf shouted back "Just go to asian wife link removed!!!"

I agree that kind of comment is very objectifying. It's something I would never say about my boyfriend either (who is Filipino btw). However... you giving the thumbs up and not communicating about this issue sooner is encouraging him to continue with these comments. It's time to talk.

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Hey angela89.

 

I'm of half european and asian decent.

While growing up I had been exposed to many arguments between my parents who are both of completely different ethnic groups, witch I later found out were driven by cultural differences, even though you were brought up in a white/cultural type of community like me, your inbuilt/inherited differences still and will remain no matter what. Some people just allow themselves to exploit such differences into some sort of harmless joke I mean, we are all immune to it, people calling asians small eyes, small dong, nerds ect . but given your circumstance it wouldn't be so harmless and more so completely disrespectful for your boyfriend to do that. Personally I think your boyfriend is a looser.

 

I have four friends who's parents are like mine, one spouce who is of an asian decent and the other of a european decent.. All of the four marriages don't exist anymore..

 

My suggestion to you is to try and find a guy who can embrace and respect the cultural/racial differences between you and him in a mature manner or simply find a white washed asian.

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Hey There! I can totally understand where you're coming from, I relate.

 

I think it's best to ignore it / overlook the comments he's making. I know they are annoying. If you find that you just can't take the comments anymore, then it might be a good idea to share your feelings with him (especially if you're considering a long-term romantic relationship).

 

Honestly, I think it comes naturally to him. It doesn't sound like he's trying to be offensive or "racist". He's just being himself, trying to be funny, and is unaware of how hurtful or irritating his comments are.

 

I have experienced similar scernarios many, many times. I'm actually pretty accustomed to it. Life gets much easier when you take people where there are. Just ignore it, let it go.

 

If someone is purposely trying to insult you, or demean you, that's different. But when they say racist things and they are oblivious to it, it's subconscious.

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Mmm, I think you just need to have a chat about it. People do have different tolerances. Some here read it and think he is an ass for it, some (myself included) can see where he might be coming from and it doesn't seem necessarily offensive. It's about context and to a degree, just how you feel about it and knowing him and where his heart is, the relationship you have.

 

If a chat doesn't straighten stuff out, then maybe there is a bigger problem. If you feel he is genuinely racist, that's a big problem too. Part of it may be that he thinks it is ok bc he does it with his friends, and he is trying to transfer that over - maybe not appropriate or smooth, but not necessarily with a desire to offend anyone. Just awkwardness.

 

But he sounds like a guy like so many people I have encountered who use humour like that as a way to diffuse a situation that is somewhat awkward. Also, I don't know how comfortable or familiar he is spending time with folks with Asian background? Especially being the minority in the group? It sounds like he has jumped right in there and sometimes he may be doing it out of awkwardness - I can imagine some awkwardness for example with you and your gfs all tipsy and having to come up with some response to some dude on the street who is making comments.

 

I agree that you can't assume he will know better. He might, he might not, he may be more provincial than you originally thought too lol.

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^ I see where you're coming from as well but I dont know what it says about someone who chooses to "diffuse" a situation with racist jokes -- or homophobic/misogynistic jokes, for that matter. What, he's feeling uncomfortable so he puts down/stereotypes someone else to feel less uncomfortable? To me, it makes no sense but like you say, to each his own.

 

OP, again, I stress the importance of a) figuring out how much it bothers you and b) talking to him about it.

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Worst one yet: some guy (white) noticed our group, looked at my boyfriend, and gave him a wide smile and thumbs up and said "Nice going there!!!" My bf shouted back "Just go to asian wife link removed!!!" I actually laughed cause i was completely drunk and didn't really think about it, but after sobering up, i felt extremely objectified as an asian woman.

 

You feel objectified because you were objectified (although you actively participated in it in this case). Your bf clearly has an asian fetish. I doubt you'll break up with him or anything, and in such a case I think you are just going to have to get used to it. Of course, you can try to talk to him, but I don't get the sense that he would really take you seriously.

 

I'm sorry that happened, but you aren't really going to change the way he sees asian folks. I think your best bet is to either accept it since you love him or leave and find some one who isn't such a fool.

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You feel objectified because you were objectified (although you actively participated in it in this case). Your bf clearly has an asian fetish.

 

I was thinking the same thing too. I have friends who were like that and their Asian girlfriends dumped them once they caught on. Those types of relationships never last if you're only dating them because of their race.

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You have to talk to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. Most likely he'll stop. But you have to wonder about people like that. At least I do. There's a big difference between the occasional joke, versus what people like your bf do. To me I just feel like there's a reason they're fixated on your race. It has nothing to do with being offended at all, just kinda gets old after awhile.

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You feel objectified because you were objectified (although you actively participated in it in this case). Your bf clearly has an asian fetish. I doubt you'll break up with him or anything, and in such a case I think you are just going to have to get used to it. Of course, you can try to talk to him, but I don't get the sense that he would really take you seriously.

 

I'm sorry that happened, but you aren't really going to change the way he sees asian folks. I think your best bet is to either accept it since you love him or leave and find some one who isn't such a fool.

 

You know what - any person who sees a guy with a bunch of young ladies is going to say "good going". The asian wife finder thing was tacky, but if he said "It's my cologne!" instead would you have thought it was funny?

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